The Thinking Man,
Paralysis by Analysis
(Illustrated)
Nadina Boun
The Thinking Man, Paralysis by Analysis
(illustrated)
Copyright by Nadina Boun, 2011
SmashWords Edition
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Chapter I: Rules of the ShagNQuit
Chapter II: Rules of the Drink Host
Chapter III: Rules of the First Date
Chapter IV: Rules of Expecting Expectations
Chapter V: Advice to the King
Chapter VI: Rules of the Interested
Chapter VII: Rules of the Ego
Chapter VIII: Rules of the Heart Vows
Chapter IX: Rules of the Princess of the Castle
Chapter X: Rules of Jealousy
Chapter XI: Rules of Sensitivity
Chapter XII: Rules of Misery
Chapter XIII: Rules of the Break-up
Chapter XIV: Rules of Loneliness
Chapter XV: Rules of Death
To my brother Charles, for having inspired me in compiling this book.
To my sister, my mother and my friends for their enormous support, encouragement and feedback upon the subject.
Preface
The thinking man rules are based on the depiction of the cycles of life and the ever growing need for humor in our daily human conduct.
These statements are not meant to diagnose, treat or cure any disease or situation, and have not been approved by any governmental, medical or private entities.
Chapter I
The thinking man, having experienced a troublesome morning after a certain shag, pondered on the existence of such rules, as ones to protect him from further troubles and misunderstandings. For it seemed what was meant to be a one night passing pleasure, turned into a morning after hassle.
He did not want to appear impolite nor rude, and yet he wished for a set of rules he could provide his passing ladies, without the need to verbalize his thoughts.
Image:
Vlado / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Being the king of his own castle, he thus concluded, following his reasoning, the first rules of mankind's opposites’ interactions, thus naming it the rule of the ShagNQuit.
He thought it helpful, if one could place a little alarm clock under the lady's pillow, should she decide to stay the night, and hence upon the ringing of the chime she would awaken to the rules.
The rules of ShagNQuit
Upon the hearing of the chime, rules must be adhered to as set here-forth as the rules of this castle:
If by chance thou wakest to see daylight, please vacate the premises Immediately.
Never attempt to wake His Highness.
Breakfast shall never be served, period.
Please collect all evidence of thy stay and discard in the outside garbage bin.
Never attempt to contact His Highness, beyond this encounter. Any further contact shall be made by him.
There must be a minimum of a two week period before the next shag IF desired by His Highness.
Should His Highness, by fatal error, plant a seed in thy belly, make thyself as scarce as can be, close to invisible.
Donations welcome!
We are sure you enjoyed your short stay and the pleasure was all yours.
Thank you for visiting the Cockpit of Air Highness!
Written in association with Hung li-git (aka legit), His Majesty's lower brain, and Hung lao-xi (aka lousy), His Majesty's upper brain.
The thinking man felt much better once his rules were laid out in the open. Since then, no damsel entered the castle without prior awareness of the rules, and plenty have indeed entered.
Image: Salvatore Vuono / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Chapter II
To celebrate his happiness, upon the creation of the rules, the thinking man, prepared a sumptuous dinner and invited all his friends and acquaintances to flatter him on his deed, and perhaps learn from him.
Once the invitees evacuated the premises, the thinking man felt terribly sad, seeing how a joyful event had turned into a swiping chore the morning after.
Thus, he pondered to himself: “alternatively, there must also be rules for invitees,” and he called these
Image: digitalart / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Rules of the Drink host
Should His Highness ever invite thee over for a drink, acceptance is mandatory.
Always bring His Highness a nice bottle of scotch regardless of what thou drinkst.
Plenty of refreshments will be provided by thee, please make sure His Highness' glass is always full.
An invitation is by no means a contract to a shag.
A Shag requested by His Highness on the other hand is mandatory.
Please treat the castle in regards to cleanliness only, as though it were yours.
Upon the last tune, make sure thou do not findst thyself lounging on couches.
Whence His Highness is no longer in sight, please find thy way to the exit door, promptly.
Do not attempt to make a toast unless thou art boasting about His Highness.
If by chance thy hands are full and a toast is proposed by His Highness, thy glass must be raised using one or another of thy limbs.
Vacate the lavatory immediately regardless of thy position, should His Highness attempt to open the door.
No fornication is to be allowed on the premises unless it includes His Highness.
Lastly, thou shall never lay thy hands on His Highness’ last bottle of scotch, else thy punishment is death in exile.
Thank you for accepting the terms and conditions of the drink invitation.
Image:
digitalart / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Chapter III
The thinking man's joy was enormous, in thus encrypting the should-be set rules for his castle. That particular night, His Highness was offered a deal he could not refuse. A certain unmarried maid, with fortunes beyond count, was seeking husbandry. He obliged the call of his faithful consul in meeting with her and thus accumulate his riches if possible.
Image:
xedos4 / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
The date did not turn out as pleasant as he had hoped, and upon his return to the castle, the thinking man wondered whether rules must be set for a first date encounter.
Thus, were born the Rules of the First Date
By no means, thou shall consider the courtesy of opening the door or pulling the chair as a sign of a promise for an ongoing deed.
Thou shalt not interrupt His Highness when speaking.
Thou shall keep thy problems to thyself at the dinner table.
An invitation is by no means a request for a shag. However, should His Highness desire it afterward, thou must oblige with a smile.
No scene is to be indulged in, should His Highness' eyes wander about other breasts and behinds.
Thou art to keep questions to a minimum. This is by no means an interrogation.