The Hell-Raising Rock and Roll Adventures of
Alice Pooper and Iggy Popsicle
Copyright by Dave Lassut 2011
Published by Wonky Books at Smashwords
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
Important note: Don’t forget to laugh.
EPUB ISBN: 978-1-908796-06-6
EBOOK ISBN: 978-1-908796-07-3
email: frankielassut@aol.com
Good Golly Maam!
Cover pictures by Gracie McStacey, age 7 (although she was 6 when she drew Wog and Honky and didn’t know what racial hatred was).
It’s said, “Ask and you will receive”
But … be careful what you ask for, and try and be clear in your asking, you may just get it! (Ask any shellfish what happened to its ancestors) …
***
‘Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The trouble-makers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules, and they have no respect for the status-quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify, or vilify them. But the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.’
Steve Jobs.
***
The
two ragdolls in this novelette were made by a very talented woman
from the North of the country. She has a shop full of dolls. She
carves the faces from wax, sometimes depicting people she knows (she
buries the corpses afterwards … population 2,456
4), and I ‘dare’ any of you to spend a night in the shop. That’s
because some who have taken the challenge tend to disappear, and then
another doll eventually appears in the shop (I’m joking of course).
If, however, you’re extremely brave (and can stay awake all night?)
and you fancy the challenge (no alcohol allowed, that’s cheating),
please send your measurements via e mail to me, as Gilly may just
like your face. I’ll pass them on prior to your meeting, as there
is no point in her having to remove some of one end of you (usually
the legs, as chests are hard to hack through) to make you shorter to
get you into a ‘guessed size’ woodland grave. She likes to dig in
advance (guessing the size of the hole wrongly then having to make
adjustments wastes valuable doll making time). She also hates having
to carry an axe as well as a shovel when she has a body slung over
her shoulder.
I’m joking (not). Her work is ‘amazing’ and it takes her around the world. A beautiful hand crafted doll of your child, or wife? What a memento!
Photo by me (that’s my mother, second left, large hat)
INTRODUCTION
Once upon a time, if I remember correctly (as I lost the newspaper cutting), a shopkeeper in Cheltenham put some ragdoll golliwogs in his window. Bad move apparently, as this was considered racist, politically incorrect, and offensive, and he was arrested and sent to jail for a while. There were also lots of other racist golliwog stories going around.
There was another guy who had his radiator grille golliwog ‘arrested’. He had a lot of trouble from the white middle class too; or people who would like to imagine in their wildest dreams that they’re middle class (they should at least ‘try’ being human first). His best friend was a black woman who loved golliwogs ... I contacted him, that’s how I know.
A lovely girl I worked with once got into trouble for apparently coming out with a racist statement; her husband was black. I also remember watching American detective/police programmes in the seventies, and recall the black people calling the whites, ‘honkies’. The term may even have been used in a 60s British sitcom called ‘Love Thy Neighbour’. Let’s also not forget the wonderful Warren Mitchell as Alf Garnett, and his favourite word, ‘Coon’. I thought of a way to make golliwogs or golly-neutrals? Neutral? Hmmm?
One day, it came into my head (do I need medication?). How about a white golliwog, or a gollihonky to balance the sides? Then who’s calling who?
Wog and Honky were born; they’re proper names now. They’re non racist obviously (some can see that, some can’t). But. There was a problem. A grey area; grey isn’t a racist colour either I don’t think (black and white?)
I got an MP to read it. He enjoyed it and handed it to his grandson, who I think enjoyed it too?
I gave it to a friend’s son, who enjoyed it too, but his mum let slip ... “He liked it, but probably didn’t understand some of the stuff in it”. That’s one of my ‘make myself angry’ thoughts. Lots of people don’t give a s**t about the world, but they don’t mind putting children in it.
Hmmmmm?
So, I could see it was a bit too old for kids, but maybe a bit too young for adults, and ... it’s about helping save the world; something lots of children’s parents, as stated, don’t give a flying f*** about ... so, it was stuck. Lost in limbo. I’m then thinking how to get out of the grey area, and the Universe obviously heard, as it always does.
I put the TV on late one night, and Never Mind the Buzzcocks was on, with the great Alice Cooper hosting. He told the story about how he and another rock God broke into a loony bin to get Iggy Pop’s drugs to him (proper rock God drugs, not medication). I thought that was funny and saved it in my mind. The next day, I was giving my guardian angel a lift home from work, and I told her about it, and straight away she said “The adventures of Alice and Iggy”.
That was good! And it’s always nice when someone else comes out with the inspiration. So, I’ll write it using Ricardo Semler’s rules ... ‘Ask forgiveness rather than permission’ because if you ask for permission you’ll wait forever. So, please forgive me, and if you can’t, sue.
Rock on man!
BALANCE.
Balance
is what a healthy life is all about. That in mind; if we put a
ragdoll Wog called Alice on one end of a toy seesaw,
and another called Alice on the other, the seesaw may balance in a
‘physics’ sense (that is if one isn’t a fat Wog
Alice and the other a thin Wog Alice). What if
though, you had ‘two’ boy (or girl) toys, made sure they had
‘different’ skin coloured material, dressed them both the same,
made sure they both had the same diet, bone structure, stuffing etc …
and stuck one on each end of the seesaw?
Would we then get proper balance? With a hint of communism in the uniform perhaps.
(They are friends remember, and difference should be ‘celebrated’).
Or, would we go to Jail for being politically incorrect and racist?
Talking about communism. I have a mate who used to travel to Russia a lot, and see all the ‘communist’ people, who strangely all look the same. He asked them what they thought of communism. They replied “We cannot wait to try it”. He then, because he was very musical and came from a town where Morris Dancing was born, taught them a Morris Dance. They, Cossacks, mixed it with a Cossack dance and got a Morros-sack dance; which is a tough Cossack dance, similar to a sack race, with bells and sticks with vodka bottle tops rattling on them.
They had no pheasant tails (feathers), and so they got locals to write sad stories, and used peasant tales instead; which they put in their hats.
I’ve
been threatened with arrest for offering a couple of police the book
to read, and, I got told that guardian angel Yvo and myself were
kicked out of the Stratford Writers Festival (a middle class bore
fest) for having both ragdolls on stands, and this book in paper
form, because one of the committee was black
un-white and neutral ... we packed up and walked.
The only people who haven’t taken offence were ... wonderful black people.
“Difference,
especially in skin colour the amount of black make
up applied by Alice,
should
be appreciated and celebrated and not used as a pitiful, ignorant,
excuse for hatred. After all, look what can happen when skin
colours different amounts of black
non-white make up and little make up get their heads together to help
this pummelled world.”
***
There’s Something Wrong With It’
By Aimee .... written when she was 13
There is something wrong with it,
The world and its entire people’
It doesn’t convince me one bit,
That this is all we can live for.
We are just like selfish ants,
Devouring our habitat,
And when we can’t stay-when everything’s gone,
What are we going to do about that?
Leave? And DESTROY another place?
When our Earth is left with ‘nothing’?
And leave a trail of our ‘disgrace’,
Where NOTHING can keep on living ...
It’s a shame really, isn’t it?
That it has to be that way,
Maybe that’s why we were created,
To live out that life day-to-day.
So next time you look up at the sky,
And see the world around you,
Don’t question or ask yourself why?
It’s what our race was meant to do?
But! If we could change ‘everything’,
And open the eyes of the world,
We could change their minds, and how they think,
Maybe then we could save our world ...
?
‘There’s still time to change the road you’re on!
I hope so!’
Led Zeppelin. Stairway to Heaven.
***
GOOD GOLLY MAKE UP!
THE WONKY ADVENTURES OF ALICE AND IGGY Rock God Ragdolls.
Rock On Baby!
ALICE POOPER AND IGGY POPSICLE HELP ‘SORT’ THE WORLD
Alice likes non white make up, and puts it on generously.
Alice Pooper and Iggy Popsicle rag dolls were hell raising rocker blood brothers, because they had the same mum, who loved black make up, which Alice adored, but Iggy didn’t ... It mattered not though, as their mum wasn’t racist. Their mum was also very nice and quite world wise. She’d also studied the psychological profiles of guests on the Jeremy Kyle show, and could see where people went astray. She was therefore a good mum, a great communicator, and a person passionate about the planet which she lived on; and she wanted ‘it’ to be healthy and balanced when Alice and Iggy’s rag kids were ready to go out and savour life in the fast lane. In order to accomplish this, she, like the ‘Red Indians’, always thought seven generations ahead when doing anything which would affect the world. Using these life skills, she nurtured the good values of rock n roll and life on the road into Alice and Iggy, and they grew up as well unbalanced individuals; which always goes on for a while when hell raising is on the agenda ...
Alice
and Iggy were great friends too, and realised that although they
looked very different as far as make up colour went, it only added to
their friendship. For what use is a candle guy
without so much make up, without the black heavily
made up guy with black hair , to balance him out? What is the day
without the night?
What is a black shirt without a dog collar (Hmmmmm?)
There was just one thing that Iggy was slightly jealous about as far as Alice was concerned, but that was a very small problem and in the field of trouser genetics, so we won’t go there.
Alice and Iggy didn’t have to have, or rather ‘need’ proper jobs, because Alice had become wealthy through the royalties he surprisingly received from the jam industry. He couldn’t believe it when the cheques popped through the door! Ride on black make up! Thanks mum! He hoped they didn’t find Ozzy. Yes! Royalties for a) using his image, and b) for badge sales. He shared his spoils with his family. They filled a lot of time in doing nice things for others, including going hell raising around old folks homes (which the old folk liked better than crappy visiting entertainers) and doing an Alice and Iggy Minstrel show. They liked the costumes so much, they wore them all the time (with changes of course).
They, like their mother, were both planet lovers, and thought long and hard about how they could ‘favour’ the planet for the day that their rag kids were old enough to go out and hell raise in it themselves,. Even though rock star kids usually do sensible things; this wasn’t of course at the expense of their own ‘normal avoidance’ enjoyment of the world, and they always put themselves first. By that, I mean that they figured if they made the world into a place they could enjoy rock n roll, and collect wisdom major highs from, they could then pass all of that onto their ragdoll kids, etc (or not, as the case may be).
By putting yourself first in the pursuit of un-normal craziness, you automatically put ‘at least’ your loved ones first too, which means, lots of other beings could benefit from your actions.
***
ADVENTURE 1. THE PLASTIC PLANET
One day, Alice and Iggy had been walking the streets talking about interesting hell raising memories (rock n roll maaaan!), when they couldn’t help but notice the number of plastic carrier bags and bottles laying around and blowing in the wind (there was lots of other litter and refuse too, and we have the gall to call pigs messy). This is of course the result of tired minds and ignorance of probably the vast majority of the population.
The population sucks man!
They discussed this problem, and it actually seemed, to them at least, that the bag’s journey to the pavement was a result of one of the most certain things the universe offers us … ‘ask and you will receive’ (but, be careful what you ask for …)
You see, their interesting conversation theme went like this:
Once upon a time, a fish looked from the water and thought it might be an interesting idea to be on the land. So over a long period of time and a lot of practice breath holding, some fish ‘evolved’ into land breathers, and gradually stood up without using razor shells for crutches.
They developed arms and legs, lungs, etc, and eventually became humans. Unfortunately, in a lot of cases, the brain didn’t evolve, but, this proved useful not long after someone invented football, for where else would supporters and rival ‘firms’ come from?
All was not well though, the balance was out. Shellfish became jealous of fish, and they collectively thought ‘we wish we could get onto dry land’.
Ask, and you will receive …
Once upon a time, long ago, but not long after the shellfish had asked for what they desired, a stone age ancestor of the brilliant outdoor survival expert Ray Mears, stood at the edge of the stretch of water where this massive group of jealous shellfish lived, in hope. He and his team, being hunter/gatherers, began to cook and eat the delicious shellfish. They threw the shells, millions of them, into a big pile. Evolution then saw them crushed and gradually they turned into oil. George W Bush and Tony Blair then got their dumbed down jarhead droids to carpet bomb Iraq, and took the oil which consisted of this group of jealous ex-shellfish. The oil was refined, and quite a bit of it was made into plastic shopping bags and bottles. They then ended up on dry land and in trees!
Well done shellfish, you got it!
Laughing at this ‘true’ theory (for how else can it of been?), Wog and Honky calculated, using calculus or some other complicated maths, how many discarded bags and bottles must be on the streets and in the trees of Britain? Millions was the answer. In fact, they calculated that if they collected all the bags, and melted them down, they would have enough plastic to injection mould a ‘plastic planet’ about half the size of the moon! This could be launched from NASA, and populated with convicted plastic throwers. It could even be used when this one was unable to support human life, although there might be a bit of a scuffle for places. They figured that the planet would also have to have a sea and some shellfish, in case the same ecological disaster happened again in a few billion years.
Would this be popular with shellfish? As they would have to get eaten ‘again’ in order to get what they want again … Hmmm?
***
Happy Shellfish.
A song (to the tune of Streets of London).
So, how can you tell me you’re sa a aaaaad,
And say for you that the sun don’t shine.
Just think if you were a shellfish, and to get hap hap hap hap happy,
On YOUR slimy little body, someone would have to dine.
***
THE LITTER COLLECTION
One morning Alice and Iggy got up and decided over bacon, eggs, beans, BLACK, and French truffled WHITE pudding (for a balanced diet) that ‘this’ would be the day to begin their collection of plastic shopping bags and bottles.
Armed with bin bags, they came to a rather rough looking estate, which had quite a lot of bags and bottles scattered around. Some of the houses had “NF” written on the walls. Some had “Long Live the Aryan race” written on them too. This didn’t deter Alice, as he’d done his yellow belt in Akido.
They decided to do a close each, (this meant knocking doors and asking if they could take the plastic rubbish) as there were two, and then alternate houses each on the main street, and end on the grass starved green.
In his close, Alice was suddenly surrounded by some white guys and women in hoods and caps.
“What
you doing you fuckin nigger!? heavy black make up
man? You’ve got it all over your face you know. Who showed you how
to apply it? Ozzy the Wizard!?”, asked and advised the female
general of the NF, Aryan ‘Classical and Middle of
the Road’ Music Perpetuation society. She asked because Alice just
looked like a rock n roll hell raiser, and not an elevator music
producer such as Eric Satie.
Alice, knowing that this was a reaction from someone who had had their mind poisoned from probably a young age because their mother had made them listen to Mantovani or Chico Arnez, forgave the girl immediately, and said:
“I’m
collecting plastic shopping bags and bottles.with my white
anaemic looking, very little make-upped hell raising blood brother,
Iggy Popsicle. I’m Alice Pooper by the way. We’re rock Gods:
Pooper & Popsicle, we rock man!
“Alice? But that’s a Gi ...”
“I know! We are going to have all the discarded bags in Britain melted down, and made into another planet around half the size of the moon through the process of plastic injection moulding.”
The girl thought, and said:
“Hey! That’s cool Alice!
Would that mean that people who discard plastics with no thought for the environment, and therefore the future of our children, could be arrested, and placed on the plastic planet?”
“That could be the case, yes.”
“You know what! They could be fed using plastic utensils etc, and when they have finished eating, they could dump their stuff in one of the many millions of large tubes in the ground, all of which would lead to the centre of the plastic planet. Their waste could be then melted, and through the process of plastic injection moulding, in a ‘centre of the plastic planet’ factory, the waste plastic could be squirted to the surface and made into houses, fast food outlets, casinos etc, or even plastic mountains and things!”
“I like that idea”, said Alice. “Could you all help? It would save a lot of time.”
“Yeah
sure!” said the leading lady “Were all sick of the sick
NF pea brained racist crap anyway. middle of the road,
easy listening Mantovani day in day out anyway. Come on everyone,
let’s help this lovely ‘non Aryan imposter fake Brit’
‘heavily black make upped hell raising rock n roll star, with his
mission. For it is now ‘our’ mission too!”
So,
The National Front, Whiteman Close group the
‘Classical and middle of the road’ music perpetuating society
helped Alice and Iggy, who was helped by the Negrito Close,
Black, ‘We hate white honky trash!’ local mugging and mobile
phone acquisition action group’, local ‘Less Black
make-up For Hell raising rock Gods’ group, which got the job done a
lot quicker than expected too, in an unfathomable, clever way (which
is in keeping with the way of the universe).
***
A National campaign was soon started, and prefab Alice collection stations were placed everywhere. Soon, Alice and Iggy had enough plastic shopping bags and bottles to merit building the first part of the Plastic Planet. Iggy rang an injection moulder, who agreed to do it very cheaply seeing as it was to help the Earth, and just a fraction of Alice’s jam promotional profits and personal appearance covered the cost of the whole planet, plus shipping costs to NASA, who wholeheartedly agreed to transport it into orbit round the Earth using five or six shuttles, and, if needed, a little ‘outside’ help from Area 51. All NASA wanted was a small plastic space station on it, which seemed an ok idea (but would plastic satellite dishes work? Not Alice and Iggy’s problem though. Rock n Roll Maaaannn!).
Well. To cut a long story short. The Plastic Planet was shipped section by section, and put in an extremely large field near NASA, where it was assembled. It was then Blessed by Anthony Robbins, Wayne Dyer, Deepak Chopra, Susan Jeffers, Marianne Williamson, and God’s best buddy himself … Neale Donald Walsch! Before being lifted up by six shuttles, and joined by a strange looking craft from Area 51, which got underneath and gave some impressive ‘up-shove’.
A few days later, the Plastic Planet was in orbit around the Earth, complete with some synthetic soil and some excess sea water from Earth (the wrong answer to rising levels due to global warming) and ready for its first ‘plastic litter’ visitors.
***
Funnily enough, sometime after Plastic Planet was put into orbit, and populated with plastic litterbugs, people on Earth saw that the project was being done in all seriousness; and they stopped dropping plastic litter (was it because there was no TV on PP?), and began taking it to collection centres. Each month, tons of plastic litter were taken to PP (although some was re cycled on Earth), together with excess sea water (melting icecaps). This plastic became PP.
Also, a ‘Plastic Satellite’ project was launched, where a number of small satellite planets were created to orbit around PP. These would be used as emergency ‘Earth Plastic Supply’ units, in case we on Earth ran out of plastic; after all, disappointed shellfish may go celibate through stress and ruin it for future generations. If we needed plastic, we would just collect a few ‘Plastic Satellites’ and pull them back to Earth, where they could be melted down again. The process was circular.
The hell raisers were given special medals for their contribution. The only question was; what would the dynamic duo come up with next?
Rock n Roll Man! yeah!
***
ADVENTURE 2. EXTRA PLANETS?
One morning, Alice knocked on Iggy’s bedroom door.
“Enter Rock n Roll Blood Brother!” shouted Iggy.
Alice entered his room. He sat on the end of his bed, and told Iggy what he’d been thinking about during the night, and he felt that maybe they had left the ‘job’ half, or even a third done? There was by the way a TV, a wardrobe, and a fish tank in the garden. Their mum had put them there to make it obvious there was a rock God in the bedroom.