LAUGH OR YOU’LL DIE
By
Ron Shillingford
SMASHWORDS EDITION
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Laugh or you’ll die
Copyright © 2011 by Ron Shillingford
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Tanya could not hold back the tears as she walked off the stage to boos and abuse. She buried her head in Felix’s embrace, bawling like a baby.
“Don’t worry babes, that was a really tough crowd. You were still good.”
“They were so mean. They just didn’t give me a chance.”
“Dying on stage is part of the process. You’ll bounce back.”
“I’m booked at the Comedy Review on Wednesday. May have to pull out.”
“Don’t make any hasty decisions. Let’s get home.”
Tanya hardly spoke on the tube to Laughton. Her performance at the Bethnal Green Hospitality Club was destined for misery as soon as she walked on and someone shouted to a wave of laughter: “Show us your tits, love!”
The fact that the abuser was a woman summed up the situation.
Tanya had performed in front of rough crowds before, but this mix of knuckleheads were only marginally more cultured than Neanderthals.
She tried some local material first to win them over.
“Hi everyone. I’m Tanya Frederick. Great to be in Bethnal Green, where some of Britain’s greatest boxers, footballers and entertainers began their careers.”
The crowd nodded approval.
“But Bethnal Green’s best known exports, were, of course, the Kray twins, Britain’s most notorious gangsters. What did the Krays’ nephew tell his uncles when he failed his school exam? ‘They questioned me for two hours but I never told them anything!’”
Tanya smiled, expecting a good response. Total silence.
“Are you taking the mickey, bitch? We loved the Krays.” The heckler was applauded.
“They were my uncles.” Another man said. “Really good to me, too. That joke was about me.” He got up and stepped towards Tanya but was pacified by his wife who ordered him to sit down.
Now scared as well as nervous, Tanya moved swiftly on.
“The British economy is in a bad way, eh? Not as bad as Greece though. Did you know that the Greek government is in so much trouble they’ve halted production of hummus and taramasalata? Yes, it’s a double dip recession.”
A few smiles but mostly silence and groans.
A fat drunk man in a red polo shirt and white flat cap stood up, pointed at her and screamed: “My Nan could tell better jokes … And she’s been dead 10 years!”
That got the biggest laugh so far.
Tanya struggled on bravely.
“Any football fans in the house? Police in Florida have recovered the arm of a British shark attack victim. It was identified by a tattoo that said Liverpool will win the Champions League next season. In a statement the police said not even a shark would swallow that!”