Melting in the Body of Wax
Landon Johnson
Copyright 2011 by Landon Johnson
Smashwords Edition
Suffocating In the Lost Time of Love
Panic Switch on the Bitch That Gave Me This
Two Flashes Gone...Past/Present
Ramblings of a Love Crazed Madman
Foreword
I have been writing poetry since I was 13 years old. I used it as a release when I had nowhere else to turn to. I didn’t so much as care about the form as I did the power behind words. I found trying to put structure to the chaos of emotion was more frustrating than a free flow. There is no rhyme or reason to my poetry, just chaos. Sometimes they are in melancholy form and others in nonsense. All I ask is not to judge the way it is written but what is written. Because sometimes it isn’t about the structure but what is being said.
-Landon Johnson
No Sleep
I close my eyes to fall asleep
But my eyelids don't fill with
darkness just your smile
The ache in my soul as the void grows
deeper
But silence are my words as I outwardly let you go
I
don't say how many times a day I cry
The absolute pain that sears
through my heart
Sometimes it becomes so paralyzing I can't
breathe
I miss us but I need to let that go
I remember your
kiss so vividly
The absence of your lips brings on waves of
agony
Only with you did I feel intimacy in the way they wrapped
around mine
Like I wasn't able to breathe without u breathing into
me
Who could ever love a man like me?
I'm so broken and not
able to repair
I belong in the filthiest part of the landfill
Rotting with decaying food and maggots
I hate how empty I
feel
Empty stuffed with absolute guilty agony
I have officially
made myself unlovable
I'm about to go stand in a population full
of people
And not one person will see me let alone know I
exist
Pure isolation as I stare out a window
The dread of the
unknown and separation from all I love
Yet as the world is
spinning out of control around me
All I can think about is you
And play over and over all my mistakes
"the greatest
thing you'll ever learn
Is just to love...
And be loved in
return."
I blew that chance
I always swore I would never
live my life with regrets
and now that's all my life has become,
one big regret
I, Alone
I
awoke feeling the sensation of being alone.
The loneliness so
thick I almost suffocated.
An ache, a void that has been left in
my soul,
Stripped from every comfort, every ounce of love.
I
open the door as the sunlight burns through my pale skin,
the
earth eating me alive and leaving me in a blind state.
I go
throughout my day trying to avoid thoughts of you,
but no matter
how hard I push you are always there.
My house is littered with
little reminders as I bag them away.
In my car more reminders as I
collect them and hide them.
As I sit waiting at a stop light your
face flashes across my windshield.
Missing you isn't what hurts
the most;
it’s the fact that it's a one way street.
I alone
miss you more than the world.
But you don't think twice and have
already forgotten my existence.
Suffocating In the
Lost Time of Love
I
feel her soft blonde hair rest against my cheek
as the luscious
scent of her shampoo disengages me.
The warmth of her body curled
into mine.
Her slow breaths send a swarm of comfort
throughout.
Only the moments entangled with her do I finally
relax.
She pulls her head back and looks into my eyes.
I see
the oceans swim throughout her iris.
Her pupils so black and so
consuming I can't help but fall.
I nuzzle my forehead against the
smoothness of her skin.
A secure force field is built around us as
nothing else compares to this home.
She is my security, my only
ounce of hope.
But now I am left with coldness,
a
stillness that leaves everything unsettled.
The anger and
resentment for everything I've done.
I sit in this quicksand and
watch myself sink.
No matter how hard I try to get out to reach
her,
I only sink faster and harder.
She stands in front of me
with pleading eyes.
She wants me but hates me.
The people
around her whisper in her ear,
conditioning her and telling her
lies.
But I keep sinking,
I deserve to drown and asphyxiate in
sand.
I came baring gifts of nothing but pure love to fix that
past,
but they were tossed aside and forgotten,
only the
unhealed wounds and scars are visible and vibrant.
I close my
eyes and remember with great detail the way our bodies became
one.
The way my hands would glide across her back,
my cheek
connected to hers and my lips yearning to taste her neck.
The
desire brewing silently between us as I would gauge each
step,
Wanting her, needing her, believing in her.
The
entrapment of her movements and her intoxicating scent,
I was
locked in her seduction,
the naturalness to her ways.
I
open my eyes and look up to see she is standing above me,
still
surrounded by her confidants.
The sand has engulfed my body and is
rising to my chin.
It will be a matter of slow moments before I
never breathe the air again.
I close my eyes again and through the
sand I can smell her scent crawling to me.
The pink sway of its
desire working towards me on hands and feet,
having an erotic
dance with my senses and the memories it pushes forward.
The
memory of her lips to mine as the electricity ignites,
our bodies
pushed into one existence.
My hands tangled in her hair as our
breathing is in sync.
This memory is cut off like a hand
clapped over my mouth.
I inhale and feel the heavy burden of sand
fill my lungs.
My eyes desperately look for her,
begging,
pleading for her to see within and see the love that I have.
I
hear them speak of the ill things I had done.
And now I am finally
getting what I deserve.
She still watches me as all around her
they give high fives.
A celebration is in order due to my
demise.
Tears start drowning the suffocating sand.
I love her
and I can't tell her and I can't show her.
Every ounce of
pain is stampeded in my loneliness.
Every piece of suffering
drowning out my memories,
reminding me of a lost time,
a lost
time lost in love.
I feel the world start to blacken around
me.
Stars ignite in and out of this darkness.
Although the sand
is heavy around me,
I start to feel lighter.
Like my body
being drug out of my hell and back into life.
I sputter and cough
as I feel hands upon my body,
massaging the sand out of my
lungs.
I open my eyes to the blazing sun
disoriented and
confused.
She kneels before me wiping the sand away.
I reach up
to her face as she nuzzles in her cheek.
Am I dead?
"It's
going to be OK" she whispers as she wipes more sand from my
face.
A hand appears on her shoulder
she stands up, envelopes
herself with her comrades,
takes one more look
and forever
walks away.
"It's going to be OK?" I ask
myself as I watch her fade away into the sunset.
I was prepared to
die and suffocate.
End it all and let it fade.
But why keep me
alive?
..So I can replay the time and space of us
and suffer
the endless void.
A
lonesome being, a body in a form in this empty chair.
Fast paced
movements all around me as I long to stand still.
A moment to
inhale peace and exhale chaos.
Misery in the form of scars
tattooed throughout this body.
A story never told except through
voices of lies.
Only I know the bitter truth,
and bitter is
too tasteful for the sour spill in my soul.
As my body sits erect
and present
my mind and soul lost on a journey far
away.
Presenting stableness is easy as the chaotic tides take
flight.
It’s keeping the swells of the waves from splashing down
my eyes, that is hard.
I created a monster;
I destroyed a life
and made my own Frankenstein.
Let the dead die because you can't
bring anything to life,
at least not with a lie.
No matter
what past I run from it will always find a way back.
Might as well
deal with it now because it's always worse later.
She's Not Coming
Home...
She's
not coming home...
I know this by the drone of silence.
She's
nowhere to be found,
except bound and gagged in my memory.
I
never meant for it to be this way,
as me, I never knew the right
things to say.
Does she remind me? Oh yes she does,
of a
hush hush time where forensics were lost in gloves.
A memory state
of mind, defined in the blind,
too ashamed to show anyone my
kind.
She's not coming home...
I know this by the hole in
my soul.
Bowling controlling of the mastermind's condoling
confines,
a hierarchy of a lost tomb.
One last week of the
meek and lost,
my heart turning cold, and the silver love turning
to frost.
Desire runs cold as the future will unfold,
of the
time line of the blind and controlled.
Death in a bed with
everything left unsaid.
Bullshit no longer fed and my veins are
drained and bled.
She's not coming home...
but she is...
I
heard the phone....
2:18 AM
it’s
not like I can say anything,
breathe a word.
Nothing
just
lost in my head.
Selfish, yea maybe,
no, maybe I am, but I
don't like it.
I want to be your world, the destination in life
you've longed for.
But I’m a broken mess.
A misery, a piece
of nothingness that everyone regrets.
Bright sunny shine pink is
what I want to be for you,
but I’m nothing but black
see my
red door?
Yea, you want to paint it black.
so many road cruises
and so many times I play regrets in my head,
but with you, I want
you to suffer my regrets,
understand them so you know how much you
mean to me.
I’m so lost without you.
Your anger and your hurt
I want to take,
its mine, I gave it to you.
Let me suffer it
and make it right.
This world is a mad place that I don't
understand.
My love for you bursts.
It’s so real and so alive
I can't imagine life without you.
The Glass House
It doesn't matter what I do
It
doesn't matter what I say.
I live in this glass house where no one
can hear me.
I scream my achievements, I scream my delights,
but
my windows are too tinted to see.
I scream my abandonment and
scream my pain,
all I can see is my family screaming at me.
This
wound bursting in my chest has now been engulfed in flames.
My
agony tears can't stream fast enough.
Just love me, just accept
me, just fucking take me as I am!
But they don't see or hear me;
they just paint on the glass what they want to see.
The paint
creates a mirror and reflects their own wants and distastes.
It
creates the burdens they wish to exert their anguish upon.
No
matter how much I want touch and I want affection,
they only kiss
and love their own reflections.
Locked in this glass house wishing
someone could see me.
Wishing someone could love me.
Wishing
someone would actually miss me on the inside.
But to miss me is to
know me,
and Father Time knows that no one has paid him a visit,
to understand the lonely guy in the glass house.
Naturally
I stand and watch as my
destruction fades into the waves of emptiness.
To run a business
and succeed...it's to manipulate someone better than you....
But
then naturally, things come together
in bliss, in
chaos....
somewhere it all makes sense...
blocking comes so
easy...it's intuitive...it comes naturally.
And like a storm it
erupts...
breaking boundaries, walls, things never imagined
like
jumping off a cliff into nowhere...
finding serenity and
understanding
finding that euphony
bleeding through ice and
into the ocean...
salt and warmth
the old berry of black
reminds me of the past,
that past that I need to let go of.
I
don't want to die in a manipulative game.
I want to die digging my
grave.
Shovel, dirt and sweat...feel the dirt on my face,
the
entanglement of elements burying me.
The sun caking the ground
that I’m digging
the rain moisturizing the clay...
grass so
indefinite you forget that you live in the sand hills
air is so
pure, it makes you feel tortured after nuclear air
towers of the
past as the sky burns with intoxicants.
Funny to live on a farm in
nuclearville,
and then live in the city of lopers eating
corn.
Destruction is an inevitable presence
but naturally the
rain takes form
clashes break barrier as the earth collides with
light
the sun, a force of nature
it comes naturally.
Faith?
That brilliance
Is taken away from you.
You can't think or breathe,
It’s just gone.
No matter how much sanity, how much faith
You know it's gone