Unwanted Gifts
Isobel Herring
© Copyright Isobel Herring 2011
Published by Ethics Trading at Smashwords
Electronic Edition first published - December 2011
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On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a partridge in a pear tree.
December 25th. Christmas day.
It's not snowing, no White Christmas for me this year.
It started out just like the song, which sounds lovely when you're singing it.
On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a partridge in a pear tree.
A knock at the door, a tree with a mess of red ribbon round the bare trunk, naked branches poking from the top. More like a stick in a pot, really, but it's definitely a little tree. And a small, very cold parcel. Not gift wrapped, but wrapped securely in what feels like several plastic bags.
All presented with a wide grin and a warm hug.
At least it's a potted, young tree that I can plant in the garden. What a lovely thought, shame I don't actually like pears. At least not that much that I'd give garden space over to a tree. They take up a large chunk of space and resources you know, they need care, pruning, feeding, training. Fruit trees also take time to mature so there won't be any pears for a few years yet. Apples, now, that's different, I love apples. An apple tree would be worth the effort as long as it was the right variety, on a dwarf rootstock so it didn't get too big. Spartans are nice, crunchy and crisp with a sharp sweet flavour. Perfect. I suppose the pears might make nice crumble. Apple and pear crumble? Yes, that would work. Probably. If I had a bigger garden, and if I had an apple tree. Or if I even did much gardening, or if I was into growing my own food. I suppose I could try. After all, how hard can it be to keep a tree alive? Are pear trees even self fertile? See, I know something about fruit trees! Do I need two?
Thank you, I think.
A partridge though? Please tell me it's ready for consumption? I've never had partridge before, how big are they, and how do I cook it? Hell, it had better be oven ready or it's not staying. Where am I supposed to keep a pet partridge?
Phew, it's vacuum wrapped and already plucked and gutted, at least that's something. Did you bring stuffing? Not that there's much meat on it or really much space for stuffing. If I wrap it in bacon it might make a nice roast, for one. If I remember to defrost the bacon. Stick it in the freezer and I'll find a recipe later.
Google is my best friend. As will be my slow cooker once the bird is defrosted, probably sometime next year. I think slow cooked with some herbs and a bit of juice until it's so tender you can carve it with a spoon. Served with roast potatoes and glazed carrots and parsnips in pools of rich gravy. I think I'm going to enjoy that.
Novel gifts though, unusual and I can see you've put a lot of thought into it. I love thoughtful gifts, and unusual ones too.
Thank you.
See you tomorrow?
On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree.
December 26th. Boxing day.
It may not be snowing but it's cold and the garden is frozen solid where it's not an icy swamp. No tree planting can commence in the near future. I hope the tree will survive being just dumped in an icy puddle outside the back door. No way was I going to walk down the garden in the dark, and anyway it's sheltered by the back door so the tree should be fine. Aren't they dormant if they have no leaves? Sort of like hibernating but without a cave, or fur.
So, I've showered and cleared up some of the mess from yesterday when there's a knock at the door.
There he is, with a pot with a stick in, a plastic wrapped bundle and a birdcage.
On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree.
What? Another tree and another bird? Or is that the same tree and partridge from yesterday? Please tell me it's the same ones from yesterday? How did you get the tree from the back of the house? And have you been in my freezer?
It's not the same one is it?
I thought not. Bring it in then, and whatever else you have there.
Great. OK, two oven ready partridges. This one is organic, and humanely farmed, nice touch. There's not much meat on each one so just pop it in the freezer. There should be plenty of space, tuck it in a space somewhere, beside the one from yesterday would be a good spot. There's plenty of turkey and ham left from yesterday, and that needs eating. It should take us until mid January at this rate. I have to batch up and freeze a load, which is why there's space in the freezer, I knew I'd need it for the left overs. Why do we buy in so much extra food for Christmas anyway?
The pear tree can go outside, beside the one from yesterday. Although, quite what I'm going to do with two pear trees is beyond me. An orchard perhaps? A pear orchard. I wonder how you make pear cider. Or pear wine! Now, there's a thought. I think there are a couple of demi johns in the garage, I imagine that might be interesting. Of course, first I have to clear some space in the garden, plant the trees and somehow keep them alive until they finally fruit in a few years time.
No, I haven't planted the tree from yesterday yet, the ground's too cold and hard for any sort of digging and have you seen the weather? It's freezing and wet. Snow would be an improvement and I have no plans to even set foot outside the house for several days yet. Pop that partridge into the freezer would you, it can stay in there until I find another tempting recipe, or until we run out of turkey.
Yes, I know the freezer's looking fairly full, I stocked up so I wouldn't have to go shopping until New Year.
Gee, thanks.
What are these? Turtle doves? Very pretty dear, but where am I supposed to put them? They are lovely though, and that coo they made is very soothing. They're a bit like pigeons though, and I'm not really that fond of pigeons. What do they eat?
There's a dovecote in the garden? Really, I must go and see!
That's not a little dovecote, that's as big as a garden shed! Why is it so big......
I'm starting to have a funny feeling about this.
On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree.
December 27th.
On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree.
The day began bright and early and just as the sun was rising. I woke, worried that the damned turtle doves had been eaten, or escaped, or just flown away. But, no, they were happily sitting on the roof of the dove cote and they appear to have been decorating. Lovely. It's a good job you left some seed for them. It was sort of fun feeding them this morning. Scatter some seed and watch them come to eat. They are rather cute, very decorative. I suppose they'll stay as long as I keep feeding them. Would they survive if I let them go wild though? The sun, when it came up fully was gloriously bright, although still very cold. I need a large, strong coffee with my breakfast, or I'll not function through today.
Another partridge. Oven ready, vacuum packed, fair trade and humanely farmed. Not locally sourced. No bacon and no stuffing. Put it in the freezer with the other two. Now I have three frozen partridges. What if it turns out that I don't like partridge to eat? Did you think of that?
Thought not. I'm sort of impressed at the novelty of the gifts but I'm starting to see a pattern here. I really, really hope that the novelty will wear off before day six and beyond that, I think there may be repercussions.
A third pear tree. Pear wine for sure. And crumbles and pies. That's assuming they all survive and fruit. Also assuming I even get round to planting them, or even keeping them. I hadn't planned on turning the garden into an orchard of any kind, and definitely not all pears. How big do pear trees get? Aha, they should be kept trimmed to between six and eight feet in height or the weight of fruit will break the branches and kill the tree. I'll need some pruning shears at some point then, but at least they can be kept under control and at a reasonable size. I don't need a forest instead of a garden, regardless of whatever it produces. But three pear trees? Really? What are you thinking?
Doves, oh yes, that would be why the dovecote is so damned BIG. Chuck them in and hope the two already in there don't kill them. The other two are cute, by the way, very pretty and that sound they make is sweet. But did I really need any more?
French hens? Lovely! They're gorgeous, all salt and pepper dappled, dark grey and white, like a cuckoo, and so small. I thought hens would be bigger. These are bantams? Right, mini chickens that lay smaller eggs but still plenty of them. That's brilliant. Fresh eggs every day will be lovely. I've always wanted to keep chickens. I assume they are all girls? I'm not having any cockerels waking me up at stupid o'clock. I refuse to have any cockerels in my garden.
They have a coop and run too? Even better. Cute little bantams, very pretty and will lay eggs come Spring. And they'll help provide fertiliser for the garden and consume weeds too. I love this one. This gift has me grinning and skipping about happily. Practical and fun at the same time. I can't wait until Spring. Unless.... How old are they? Around twenty weeks. I see, I'm going to have to do some research on them and find out when I can expect eggs. Enormous hen house and run for three small hens, that's brilliant, they have plenty of room.
So, they're Cuckoo maran bantams, a French breed and oooh, they lay eggs with dark brown shells that look like chocolate. With them being around twenty weeks I can expect eggs from late March onwards. They'll need names. No! Roast, Pie and Curry are not an option.
But, what happens tomorrow? If there are any more pear trees then I think I may have to ask you for receipts so I can take them back. Maybe I can swap them for some other fruit trees, like apples. Maybe I can get a refund. Shame, really, because the idea was nice. Festive and a gift that keeps coming.
On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me four colly birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree.
December 28th.
It's raining. It's cold and the rain is a steady patter on the windows. The rainclouds are making everything grey and dull. I wish it would snow.
The four turtle doves are sulking inside the massive dovecote. The three French Hens are bedraggled and miserable looking huddled underneath the hen coop. They're refusing to venture into the run and I don't blame them. For now they're known as "The Girls" and I'll decide on names in a few days when I get to know them a bit better.
The three pear trees are fine. At least, I think they're fine. They're standing in a puddle that's getting deeper.
The bank holidays are over people are getting back to work. The post Christmas sales are on and I'm going to have to find somewhere to get food for these birds. And some recipes for partridge. Or perhaps I'll just rehome them. I wonder if he'd be offended?
I've checked on the doves and hens and would you like to guess what I found? No, not an egg, a HUGE pile of poo. How do such small birds produce quite so much poo? They're scratching up the grass in the run too and it won't take them long to wreck it all. Both pairs of turtle doves seem to be tolerating each other although they do appear to be occupying opposite sides of the dovecote. Not exactly bosom buddies yet then, but at least no bloodshed.