What’s Life
By
Lamont Fraser
Synopsis
Vanessa is a 17 year old mother of fraternal twins, Janet and James. After the twins’ father denied them, Vanessa only had her best friend Lisa by her side; until Lisa decided to move out of state. With no one to turn to, Vanessa becomes suicidal and constantly injects illegal drugs into her body.
As James grow from an adolescent into an adult his mother's way of life slowly rubs off on him. It gets worse when he finds out he might die young. Janet tries to stray James on the right path, but she is no match for her mother. Vanessa hates life so much that she even wants to see her kids do badly. She targets James because she knows stress has him weak. Follow Vanessa, Janet, and James as they give you their definition of life.
Acknowledgements
First I would like to thank God for blessing me with such a great talent. I have been writing since the age of nine. Writing means everything to me. It is one of the few things that solve my problems. It allows me to see things in different aspects.
Second, I would like to thank my family members that have always been there for me. Whether it involved helping me emotionally or financially, I just want to say thank you. That includes my friends as well; the distant ones and the close ones. You guys are like my extended family. You all are a prime example for the meaning of real friends.
Last, I would like to thank you. I would not be this far in the successful world without my readers and critics. No matter what an author should never forget to thank his readers. The author should always be willing to sign an autograph or even go out there way sometimes. I do believe in giving back to my community.
If you ever need to contact me, I can be reached at Frasertheauthor@yahoo.com. I reply to all e-mails daily. Website is coming soon.
Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner
Man, I am telling you H.S. 575 could not have been anymore boring than it is now. You would think that since it is in Brooklyn, New York it will be one of the liveliest schools ever. Especially since 1991 has been a great year so far.
I am sitting in this English class, bored out my mind. I am glad that Lisa and I are in the same class. Lisa and I are best friends of twelve years. It was on and off due to her parents moving her around the country. We go back all the way to Kindergarten. Both of us went to P.S. 44 in Bedford Stuyvesant, better known as Bed Stuy, the home of the late Biggie Smalls, Big Daddy Kane, Jay-Z, and a few more great Brooklynites. Lisa and I sit close so that we can whisper to one another during class.
“Hey girl. How ya doin'?” I asked.
“What’s up? I’m good, you?” answered Lisa. Lisa was the type to usually ignore you in class, but I guess today is different than other days.
“Yo, I am super bored,” I said. “I’m glad it is only two more minutes until this dumb ass school bell rings. I gotta go home and chat with my baby.”
“I thought we were kickin’ it this afternoon,” she said in a clueless way. I forgot that we were supposed to hang out this afternoon. Lisa remembers every occasion as if they are mandatory. Like I tell her all the time, I have a life.
“Girl, you know you my best friend,” I said. Even though it is something she already knows. “We gonna kick it sometime tomorrow. We got all weekend, so why are you trippin?”
“Okay,” she said. The bell finally rings after what felt like an eternity. Lisa jumps up in a heart beat with all of her stuff already in her book bag. That is how I know she is upset about us not hanging out today. She usually waits for me and joke about how slow I am. If the sound of us not hanging out is bothering her, then she should say so. It pisses me off when someone does not say when something is bothering them.
“Alright Nessa, well I guess I will call you tomorrow.”
“Alright. Bye,” I said. I did not even bother to baby her. I was just on my way home to talk to my baby, Victor. Victor is this twenty-eight year old guy from Los Angeles, California. Although I have never met him in person, I still refer to him as my boyfriend. We have been talking to one another via Internet for approximately one year. I know he is a little old, but older guys are better. The guys in my school are so damn immature.
As soon as I arrived at home, I hopped right on my computer and read my emails with joy. I am probably the only student in my high school with my own computer. Just don’t ask me how I got my hands on one. I received an e-mail from Victor. The e-mail stated that he will be coming to Brooklyn tomorrow to visit his adopted brother, and he wanted to know if he can swing by my way to see me. I had to think about it at first, but then I figured what the hell. I replied to the e-mail and gave him my address. I asked him what time he is coming, but he never replied for the night.
Since I woke up this morning I have not felt like doing anything what so ever. When I first awoke it was 1:00 pm then by the time I turned around, the clock read 3:00 pm. I do not know where two hours went. Time sure can fly when you are lying in the bed.
I just stayed in the bed reminiscing and contemplating as I heard the next door neighbors play in the hallway of my apartment. I can’t let them know that I live in here by myself. Since they never liked my parents, I am sure that they would call child protective services and rat us out in a heartbeat.
Child protective services consist of people that take kids from their family when they are in a horrendous situation. They have no problem taking your kids away from you. Plus you’re a lie if you think they have any sympathy for you. Sympathize and empathize are two words that are just not in their dictionary.
My mother Ann was a nurse, and my father Joseph was a boxer. I loved my mother, but I hated my father with a passion. When I was younger I would overhear him and my mother arguing and throwing things around the apartment. Some nights he would come home drunk and just beat the shit out of her for no apparent reason.
I hated men that beat on women. He can come home and beat up his wife, but he couldn’t do that to his opponents in the ring. Out of approximately thirty matches, he only won nine times. That is why he was unknown. I never understood why my mother never left him.
One day, at the age of twelve, I woke up and my father was not around for the entire day. I was happy, because my mother and I spent the whole day together. Another day went by with my father not being around. Then a third day passed without my father around. It went from three days, to a week, to a month.
After a month and a day, we finally realized that he was not coming back. At first I just thought he was with one of his other women, because he was continuously having an affair with other women. My mother did not even know if he was still alive. Her husband was gone without a trace.
I was happy that my father abandoned us, but I would feel sad whenever I see my mother cry. I don’t know why she was crying over that son of a bitch anyway. After a while my mother never really talked. She was very soft spoken. I tried my best to keep her happy, but it was only so much I could do.
When I was fifteen years old, my mother abandoned me. I guess she caught the abandoning act from my father. I have been living here, on my own, since then. Everyday I wonder where she might be and why she just left her daughter to fend for herself. If I ever see her again that will be the first thing I ask her. I do not know if I can ever forgive my parents for running away from their responsibilities. After two years of feeling unwanted, I just decided to move on with my life. Like they say, “Do not feel sorry for yourself. Life is too short.”
When I finally got out of the bed, I went in the bathroom to take a shower and brush my teeth. I remembered that Victor was coming to visit today. I still do not know what time he is coming, thank God my place is always clean. I just had to straighten up a little and wash a few dishes.
In the middle of washing dishes I hear someone knocking rapidly on my door. It better not be a game. These dirty kids in my building are always banging on my door and running away. One time I snatched one of them by the shirt and dragged them into my place. I locked the door and began to beat the shit out of him with my black cow skin belt that I purchased from Wilson’s Leather. When I was through with beating him, I kicked him out the door. He ran up the hallway holding his but cheeks with whelps on his arms. I have never seen him since then. I guarantee you that he would not mess with my ass again.
Some idiot is still banging on my door, like they are the police or somebody. “Coming, hold your damn horses!”
I opened the door with the chain still on it. I have to do it that way since I don’t have a peephole. You have to be very cautious in Brooklyn, especially if you live in Marcy Houses Projects. There is always someone getting shot, stabbed, or held up out here. I don’t know why everyone is killing out one another. We are all one, no matter if you’re from Bed Stuy, Crown Heights, East New York, Flatbush, Harlem, Southside Bronx, Southside Jamaica, or anywhere else.
When I looked out my door I saw a nice chocolate man, who stood about six feet. He was well groomed - clean nails, white teeth, low haircut, suit and tie with Stacy Adams on his feet. He stood there holding a dozen of roses and a box of chocolate with a bright smile on his face. This was like the man of my dreams.
“Hi, I’m -” he said, attempting to genuinely introduce himself.
“Victor, I know. Come on in.” Just him saying hi alone, got my draws wet instantly. This is the kind of gentlemen that will have a lady at a lost for words.
“So, what’s up Nessa?” He asked with a nice Colgate commercial smile. “You have a nice cozy place here. I love the decorations and your color scheme. Red is my favorite color.”
“Thanks, red is one of my favorite colors,” I said flirting hard as ever. “I like purple as well.”
“Those are two sexy colors,” he said. “Is it okay for me to use your bathroom real quick? I have been holding in my urine for the last couple of hours.”
“No problem, it is straight down the hall,” I said directing him to the bathroom. As Victor walked down the hall, all I was thinking to myself is damn. I was just in the daze, having the time of my life until some idiot decides to ruin it by blowing up my phone. Boy I tell you, some people timing are surely impeccable. Let me see who the hell this is now.
“Hello,” I said in an aggravating tone.
“Hey, hey, hey Nessa!” shouted Lisa.
“Oh, hey Lisa,” I said. “Guess what?”
“What? Tell me,” she said excitingly.
“My boyfriend!” I shouted. Lisa began to scream for joy as if Victor was her boyfriend.
“Where is he?” she asked. “What are y'all up to? How do you even have time to talk to me? When are ya'll going to -”
“Damn Lisa, one question at a time,” I said. When Lisa is excited there’s no limit to her questions. “He is in the bathroom at the moment.”
“Uh oh, you know he’s preparing to get him some,” Lisa said. He’s probably in there with one big ass smirk on his face, and images of what he’s going to do to you tonight.”
“Yeh, I guess,” I said as if I was clueless. Lisa then began to laugh hysterically. “Why are you laughing?”
“Cause you said you guess,” she said. “Nah girl, you know he is getting ready for some. So I guess we’re not kickin' it anymore?”
“We’re gonna chill tomorrow,” I said. “I doubt Victor is going to stay the whole weekend. He is coming out the bathroom now. I’ll speak to you later, bye.”
I hung up before I heard her reply. I know that I’m going to hear her mouth about it later. But I think it is worth it.
“So Nessa, are you still a virgin?” asked Victor.
“Um, sort of,” I answered. “I am currently waiting on Mr. Right.”
“Well, don’t you think you’re staring at him in the eye right about now?” he asked conceitedly.
“Hmm. I do not know,” I said, attempting to kill his joy. “You know what they say, looks are deceiving. You might think you found the right one, when you actually found the total opposite.”
“Well that’s not me,” he said. “I promise. Do you want to do it now? I’ll go slowly for you.”
“Well not to sound tough, but your speed is the least of my worries,” I said. “Do you have protection?”
“I’m clean, Honest,” he said.
“Alright,” I said. Now I know you’re probably calling me stupid and other criticizing words, but I was horny and he was sexy. I know he should be wearing a condom right now, but I don’t feel like waiting for him to run out and buy a condom.
Before we started, I got up to put in an old Adina Howard tape. I love Adina Howard. I lit some candles and turned off all the lights.
As soon as the lights went out Victor threw me on the couch. Pretty rough, but I think I like it. He then began to give me a little massage and soft kisses on various parts of my body. Victor then stop at one specific spot; and you know exactly what spot I’m referring to. He begins to use his tongue to do a little licking in that spot. Now this is what I call cat got your tongue. Next thing you know, I feel him going in and out of me rapidly. It hurts, but at the same time I love it. I know I was the same one saying speed is the least of my worries.
He got me screaming at the top of my lungs. I’m sure my neighbors can hear me, but I don’t give a damn right now. Like they say, “to each his own.” Suddenly I feel Victor’s penis getting harder and harder by the millisecond. He then begins to scream, so I know he has reached his climax. With being a quote unquote virgin and all, he scared the shit out of me when he screamed. That right there cosigned his climax for real.
“Aww that shit was beyond great,” he said. “I need to do virgins more often.”
“No you are not,” I said in a serious manner. “I am the only one.” He began to laugh like a little boy.
“Nessa, I was just messing with you,” he said. “But overall it was great.”
“You better be joking, cause you could get your ass kicked right now,” I said. I see I will have to put my foot down with Victor from jump.
“No love,” he said with a sad puppy face.
“Good. So what’s next? I don’t really know what to do.”
“Oh, na I’m good,” he said. “I’m about to bail.” As soon as he said that I my heart melted.
“Aww Victor so soon?” I asked.
“Yeh, I gotta run,” he replied nonchalantly. “I have to go to visit my brother before I head back to the West. I will be sure to stay in touch with you as long as we both live.”
“Yeh, you say that now,” I said. “What I know about men is that you all say the same thing. Like now you will stay in touch, but eventually you would find some other brawd to fool with.”
As Victor put on his clothes and shoes, I began to miss him already. Isn’t that funny? I miss him, and he hasn’t even stepped foot out the door yet.
“Nessa, I forgot to ask you what do you mean by you are sort of a virgin?” asked Victor.
“It’s something that – well it’s a long story,” I answered.
“Alright baby, come see me to the door,” he said. “Talk to you later.”
He said bye, then he gave me a hug and a gentle kiss on the forehead. After I closed and locked the door, I went straight to the bathroom to begin a relaxing bubble bath. Sometimes a girl just needs some time to unwind; although the time with Victor was by far amazing. After this is bed, cause I have to go out with Lisa tomorrow. I am completely sure she has not forgotten.
Time is the Judge
Damn it felt like the night had come and gone in like ten minutes. I got up, brushed my teeth, took a shower and put on my sexiest clothes. Now as I sit outside my apartment for Lisa to arrive, I regret putting on these clothes. All of these dirty hoodlums trying to get at me. I don’t know what’s up with this new so called fashion trend that these males started doing. I do not know what cause them to think that people want to see their dirty ass draws. I mean a little sagging is okay, but if it’s going to get to the point where your draws show it should be banned.
“Boo!”
“Lisa what the hell is wrong with you?” I asked, with my right hand on my heart. “Don’t be rolling up on me like that. You could have gotten shot.”
“Shot with what, your finger?” said Lisa, in a sarcastic way.
“Funny Lisa,” I said. “What are we doing today? I need to eat first though.”
“Look at your hungry self,” said Lisa. “Let’s go to Coney Island. We haven’t been on a ride in a minute, or at least I haven’t. I forgot about the night you had. I’m still waiting for details.”
“You’re just full of jokes today, aren’t you?” I said. “For that you shouldn’t even get any details.”
“Come on Nessa, we’re girls,” said Lisa. She looked at me as if she would die if I don’t tell her anything about my night with Victor.
“I know we are,” I said. “But really, there isn’t much to tell. It was just like any other couple that engages in sexual activities. The only thing is that I have been feeling sick. I don’t know if it’s because I miss Victor or what?”
“You probably just miss him,” said Lisa. “But you should go to the doctor if the feeling gets worst. Anyway, enough sadness, let’s have fun.”
“Yeah Lisa, you’re right,” I said. On the inside I was feeling like shit, but on the outside it seemed as if I was having fun. I did not want to wreck Lisa’s day once again. I already feel like a burden to her because I am always dropping my personal issues on her. I mean, she says it is okay but let’s be honest here. What best friend would come out and tell you that they are sick and tired of hearing your problems?
A friend is a person that you should regard with affection as well as trust. But nowadays you can hardly trust anybody. They may appear all nonchalant, but who knows how they really are. People usually do not notice someone’s true colors until they get into an argument or hear stories about that specific individual.
I had so many backstabbing friends in the past this is why I am sometimes suspicious about Lisa. Like I had a homegirl name Sandra back in Junior High School 258. She was the only friend I had during that time. I told her almost everything about my life. One day, in eighth grade, we had an argument during gym and she intentionally blurted out everything embarrassing I have ever told her and twisted it around to sound unorthodox.
One time I told her that I was raped by my uncle. In the argument she told everyone that my aunt and I slept with the same man. Another thing is that I told her I sold drugs one time to get abortion money for my mother. She told everyone that I was pregnant and doing drugs.
I had just given up on messing with females period. In my first semester here at H.S. 575, I had a male for friend. I don’t really regret that because he never did anything to physically or mentally hurt me. See the thing I realize is that males are better friends because they don’t gossip as much as females but they can fall for a girl very easily.
My male friend name was Ed. He was the best and was always there when I needed a shoulder to lean on. But I guess we got too close because one day he came out and told me how he really felt about me. He said that I was his first real love and he could see himself being with me forever or close to it. I thought it was kind of weird because I saw him as a brother, but clearly the feeling was not mutual.
I let Ed down easily, at least I thought. I kept asking him if everything was okay and if he understood where I was coming from. He continuously said yes, so I just dropped it. That was the last time I have ever heard from Ed. So guys can be good friends until feelings are developed.
After everything I have been through in the past, I still think that Lisa can be trusted. I mean she do not have any friends besides myself. Plus she does not speak to anyone, she is very unpretentious. But you know what they say, “the quiet ones are the sneaky ones.”
I love Lisa because I have no family and she is all I got. I just have to stop being so damn paranoid, like the whole world is out to get me or something. Anyway, I need to stop thinking so much and get back to acting like I’m fine before Lisa realizes.
“Nessa, you alright?” asked Lisa. “You don’t look so good.” Speak of the damn devil.
“Lisa I am alright,” I said. “I think I’m just ready to go now.”
“Me too, I had enough fun for a day,” she said. “We can start walking to the train. I just wish I could’ve recorded your scary self though. You were hilarious.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” I said. “Those rollercoaster rides weren’t shit.” Lisa then begins laughing hysterically as if my tactic was a Cosby Show episode or something.
“Help, help!!!” shouted Lisa, teasingly. “Does that ring a bell, Nessa? Whew, that was some funny stuff.”
“It’s funny shit,” I said. Lisa is always substituting curse words for other words.
“Say funny shit, not funny stuff. I don’t see why you always replace your words. You mindless well go ahead and curse.”
“Look chick, different strokes for different folks,” she said, sounding like a psychologist or like she was getting ready to sing the theme song from Different Strokes.
“Not everybody wants to sin their soul like you Nessa. Plus I replace what I wanna replace. What the freak?”
“You’re retarded,” I said. “But like you said different strokes for different folks. Fake ass Mr. Drummond.”
“Yeah, imma give you the facts of life next,” said Lisa.
“Go ahead stupid,” I said jokingly.
“Here comes my train,” said Lisa. “You’re gonna be alright by yourself until your train comes?”
“Imma be okay, I’m a big girl,” I said. “Call you later.”
“Okay,” she said. “I think you’re just missing Victor, but don’t forget to go and get checked out sometime this week. See ya.”
“I will, Later,” I said.
Little did Lisa know that when I said I will it meant that I will forget to go get checked out. A week passed, then two, then three. Shit I practically ignored the whole thing. I think I ignored it because the pain went away for a week. After that it came back couple times in every week. I kind of figured that I might be pregnant anyway.
If I’m right, I just hope that my child does not turn out to be a procrastinator or a loser like me. This hard life has to stop somewhere. It started with my great grandparents and proceeded to me. The cycle has to be broken somewhere. The last thing I want is for my child to go through half of what I been through. I still have nightmares of when I was raped by my uncle in law when I was just nine years old.
****************************************************************
I swear every time I went to my aunt Lori’s house it seems like her relationship with her husband was just flying south. Every night he would come home drunk to the fullest. Some nights I will hear him beating the shit out of Aunty Lori. Till this day I do not know why she stuck with him. I know they say till death do us part, but it has to be some limitations to it. Why should someone stay committed to a person that is verbally or physically abusing them daily or at all for that matter?
I loved my aunt because she let me do what I want at her house. It’s like she was strict but fun to be around at the same time. You do not find many adults like that. It’s either they are too strict or too laid back. One night Aunt Lori let me stay up until I felt like going to sleep. I was in her living room with a couch and television all to myself.
I stayed up all night watching my favorite shows. Three’s Company, The Cosby Show, A Different World and more. I do not know when I fell asleep but I jumped up when I heard a door slam. It was Aunty Lori and Uncle Rich going at it again. I guess she kicked him out the room, because he came into the living room with a blanket and pillow. Now that he see me out here I know he is about to start running his mouth.
“Nessa girl, I see you!” screamed Uncle Rich. He said I see you as if I was trying to hide from him or something. I can tell he is drunk. He is standing approximately seven feet away from me and I can still smell the liquor.
“Hey Uncle Rich,” I said, pretending to be happy to see him. “Why are you coming to sleep out here?”
“Because of your lunatic ass aunty,” he slurred.
“Yeah, she’s the lunatic,” I mumbled under my breath.
“You said something Nessa?”
“No Uncle Rich”
“Get up so that I can figure out how we can both lay down on this sofa,” he said, as he scratched his head. “Okay, I’m going to lay down and you can lay in front of me.”
“It’s okay Unc, I can just-” Out of nowhere he just backhand me. I swear for a whole minute I could not feel the right side of my face.
“Girl shut up and do as I say,” he said. I was scared to death because I know he was drunk. There was nothing I could of done besides cooperate. When I laid down in front of him he began feeling on my private part and pulling my hair.
“Unc stop!” I pleaded repeatedly but he never stopped. I thought it was bad enough when he was feeling on me. Next thing you know he got on top of me and started to stick his penis inside of me.
All I could feel is pain. I was crying my heart out and screaming to the top of my lungs. He did not cover my mouth until like fifteen seconds later, so I don’t see how my aunt did not hear me.
When he was done he said the famous line for all pedophiles, “tell anyone and I will kill you and them.”
I just lied in the couch looking up to the ceiling with tears still falling. I saw a shadow of a women walking towards my aunt’s room. I don’t believe this. Aunty Lori was standing there while I was being raped. I don’t know if she saw the whole thing, but the fact is that she knew I was being raped and she did not do anything to stop it. I can’t believe this. My favorite aunt, my mother’s flesh and blood, just stood there as her niece was being raped on her sofa.
I never told my parents about the rape. I just told them that I did not ever want to go back to Aunt Lori’s house. When my father asked why, I just told him that him and mom quarrels enough. I told him that I don’t want to go to Unc Rich house to hear more quarreling. He replied with okay and that was it.
Something told me that he didn’t fall for that. But my father was not a man of many words. He was better with actions. I have never heard from Aunty Lori since the day of my rape and I heard that Unc Rich was murdered. I always wondered if my father had something to do with his death. Not that I give a damn anyway.
Call me heartless, but I showed no remorse when I heard that Uncle Rich was murdered. They say not to talk bad about the deceased, but I am just being real. If you were raped, you would’ve felt the same way. Thanks to rapists, it will be hard for their victims to show love to their kids and other loved ones. Not saying that it will be impossible, but it might be hard sometimes. A rape might not impact a person right away, but in due time it will. Time is the judge.
****************************************************************
This is the fourth week since Victor has left. I had been through nothing but hell. My days began with me throwing up numerous times and more. I still have not gotten a reply from Victor after trying to reach out to him through both email and phone. I began to call Lisa because I just do not know what else to do. I know she’s going to get on my case about not showing up for school. I’m preparing myself as her phone rings.
“Hello,” answered Lisa.
“Hey Lisa,” I said in a calm tone.
“Nessa!!!” screamed Lisa. What the heck you been up to? Why have you been missing school and ignoring my calls? Why -” As I mentioned before, Lisa was the type of person to ask you questions on top of questions without waiting for an answer. Especially when she’s mad or worried about something.
“Look Lisa, I do not have time for the lectures,” I said. “I need to go to the hospital as soon as possible.”
“I think you’re pregnant Nessa,” she said, as if it wasn’t obvious.
“No shit Mrs. Einstein,” I said sarcastically. “I took one of those at home pregnancy test and it indicates that I’m pregnant.”
“Studies show that those tests can be incorrect.”
“Oh for real? Do studies also show that I might end up kicking your ass if you keep on feeding me these irrelevant facts?”
“Look girl, do you want my support or not?”
“Yes Lisa. Meet me at the hospital in like two hours.”
“Why so long?”
“Because you know how the emergency room is all of the time. I will end up sitting there for hours before I’m seen. I don’t want you sitting there that long.”
“True. Alright, see ya then.”
“Bye.”
As soon as I hung up, my phone rings again.
“Didn’t I just say bye to you?”
“Uh, no. Not unless I’m going crazy or something.”
“Oh Victor? Why the hell you have not been returning my calls?”
“My house phone broke so I have to buy a new one.”
“Ok, so what about the email?”
“I haven’t been to the library in a while. Anyway, what’s up? I’m back in NY for a day.”
“Good so can you come over? I have something to tell you face to face.”
“Then I can lay it on you?”
“What? Look, just come over. This is not a joking matter.”
“Okay, so open up the door. I’m outside.”
I opened up the door to see the man I call myself in love with. He looked the same but my hormones are disagreeing with my mind right now. If he thinks I felt for that my house phone broke fib, then he got another thing coming.
“Oh so you a big shot with a cell phone now?”
“No Nessa! Why you gotta start an argument all the time? Can’t you just relax and go with the flow for once?”
“Negro forget you. Kiss my ass”
“No Nessa forget you! I’m fed up with ya little mood swings. It’s like you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia or -”
“I’m pregnant!” I swear after I blurted that out it got so quiet that you could’ve heard a pin drop from another room. Victor just stood there speechless. I didn’t know what to do, so I just repeated myself. “I said I’m pregnant.”
“I heard you, but unfortunately I can’t do anything about that. I have nothing to do with that.”
“You left your sperm in me, but yet you don’t have anything to do with me being pregnant?”
“Survey says, correct!”
“Everything is a joke to you. Let’s see if you’re going to have jokes when a man is feeling on that ass. I can get you arrested by telling the cops how you impregnated a seventeen year old minor. To make it worst, you’re twenty-eight. Now let’s see if you can do anything about that.”
“So tell bitch. Then they will know that you are living here all alone because your mother is deceased.”
“Now you watch it with me you low life. My mother is not deceased.”
“Well junkie, runaway, dead beat, whatever. The point is when they find out you live here all alone, straight to the foster home you go. Not being able to ever see your baby again. So go ahead, do your baby a favor…that’s what I thought. How do you even pay rent?”
I was speechless, but there’s no way I can allow him to leave me in this situation all by my lonesome.
“Where are you going Victor? You can’t just go back to L.A. and leave me here like nothing happened.”
“Well I am. Hah.” He begins to laugh as if I told a joke.
“Get out of my house!!!”
Victor slowly walks out the door and continues to laugh. I just hit the floor and busted into tears. Somehow I still managed to make it to the hospital. I went to the emergency room for Kings County Hospital. The doctor just told me that I was pregnant, just like I figured. I waited three hours to be told what I already knew. Lisa seemed way more enthusiastic than me. I’m just worried about what I am going to do now. I’m already one month pregnant.
“Nessa you should be happy. You’re about to bring life into the world.”
“Yeah, but think about it Lisa, I’m only seventeen. Plus what makes it worst is that I won’t be able to finish school.”
“You should’ve thought about that a few weeks back. I mean, it’s a harsh thing for me to say but it’s the truth. Second, it might feel like the end of the world for you but it’s not. You can bounce back when you feel comfortable to let someone babysit your child. You can study to take a General Educational Development test.”
“Take a GED test? You know lots of people will just be laughing at me.”
“It’s better than not accomplishing anything at all. No a GED is not on the same level as a high school diploma, but that’s only now. If lots of people will be laughing at you for going to college, after you receive your GED, will that change your mind about enrolling?”
“No, but -”
“But nothing, you gotta do what you have to do in order to get by. Just remember to always take it one day at a time.”
I knew this bitch had a point. She gets on my nerves when she does that, but I still love her.
“I guess I’m just going to have to do what I gotta do for my baby. I will remember all that I been through so that none of my kids go through this same lifestyle. I don’t want to be a dead beat like my parents. I want to be the best parent in the world.”
“And you will Nessa. You will.
God’s Gift (8 ½ months later)
All I can hear is Dr. Jack screaming push, while I am just screaming at the top of my lungs. This is the last child I’m ever going to have or push out for that manner.
“Push Vanessa, push. That’s it,” said Dr. Jack.
“I am Doctor!” I said.
“Come on, come on…you’ve got it,” he said. “There we go. This one’s a girl. Let’s see the next one.”
“Um excuse you!” I screamed. “Come again. I think I misheard you.”
“I said that you have one more to push out,” he said.
“Oh no doctor,” I said. “Oh hell no!!!”
“No one told you were going to have twins?” he asked. “I thought you were coming for check ups throughout the pregnancy.”
“I was but I didn’t want to know the sex or anything,” I answered. “I wish I did so that I would’ve known I was having twins. Doctor I quit. I don’t need both of them. One is enough. Right, Lisa?”
“No Nessa,” said Lisa. “Now come on. Listen to Dr. Jack.”
“Yes, listen and push,” said Dr. Jack.
“No, one is enough!” I screamed.
“Now that’s just silly talk, push,” he said.
I’m laying here pushing like crazy. I don’t see how some people have mad kids like it’s nothing. I guess that’s why my mother only had me. She was never the type to sit through pain. Not even a little splinter or paper cut.
“There we go Vanessa. This one’s a boy. Fraternal twins, good job. What are you going to name them?”
“Whew,” that’s all I said because I was relieved. “I don’t know what to name them. But I do know I always wanted to name my girl Janet Vanessa. Lisa, what do you think I should name the boy?”
“I was going to say Malik, but since the girl name begins with a J, the boy name should also begin with a J,” Lisa suggested. “The middle name would’ve been Victor but I know you hate him. So how about James Vincent?”
“Yeah I like that,” I said. “You got that doctor?”
“Yes,” answered Dr. Jack. “So your daughter’s name is Janet Vanessa Williams, and your son’s name is James Vincent Williams. Do you have any questions for me?”
“No not at the moment,” I answered.
“Okay well Janet and James are fine,” he said. “You gave birth to two healthy babies. You all are free to go. I will give you a card with a number for you to call anytime you might have questions.”
“Okay,” I said, relieved. “Thank you so much doctor.”
“Who’s going to be helping you with these twins, because it’s not going to be an easy task,” he said with concern.
“I guess that will be me doc,” said Lisa.
“You’re a good friend Lisa,” said Dr. Jack.
“Yes she is,” I said.
“Alright you guys take care,” he said.
Lisa and I headed home with the twins. I know that this is just the beginning of hell on earth. I am glad that I have Lisa here with me or this would take me under. When we arrived in my home she began helping me out already.
My Buddy
“Lisa I just want to say thank you for being here for me,” I said.
“Um, you’re welcome Nessa,” she replied with a sad look on her face.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“Ok my mother and I have not been getting along lately,” she replied.
“So, hasn’t it always been like that?” I asked.
“Yeah Nessa, but this time it’s worst and I can’t take it anymore,” she answered. “I told my dad and he said that I can come and live with him whenever I want to.”
“But doesn’t he stay in Baltimore?”
“Yeah and I like it out there. Even though some of them always hate on New Yorkers and all, but it’s cool. I have my half sister and brother there and I get along with my stepmother. So it’s not like I’m going from one bad situation to the next.”
“But you can’t go. How you just gonna leave?”
“I never said I was. I was just thinking about it. I wish I could spend the night with you but my mother is going to trip if I don’t come home tonight.”
“It’s cool, I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Bye.”
Something keeps telling me that she’s going to leave, but I don’t think she would just go off to Baltimore and leave me here. This is going to be on my mind the whole night. Janet and James are already crying. When one cries, the other one cries. I can’t stand this. The single black mother, raising two kids on welfare, issue begins. I am already a statistic. As tears drop, I am seriously thinking about adoption.
I had no sleep what so ever. Lisa just showed up at my door, after what just felt like two hours.
“Hey Nessa.”
“Hey it feels like I just saw you. I had no sleep at all.”
“Damn, I can only imagine. Hey James, why are you crying? Tell aunty what’s wrong?”
“He’s actually calming down.”
“That’s because he finally has something good to look at.”
“Ha ha, funny.”
“I’ll take Janet from you in a minute.”
“Girl, I wish I had the ability to rewind time. Sometimes I wish I had just kept my legs closed and stayed the way I was. Well at least until I got married or found a good man. I’m sure he won’t be better than you though.”
“I’m flattered.”
“Oh no, please don’t flatter yourself.”
“Dumb one.”
“Say dumb ass, not dumb one.”
“Go ahead, joke on me all you want. I’m going to miss it as rude as it is.”
“What you mean by miss?”
“Nessa I just came over to tell you that I’ve decided to go and live with my dad in Baltimore after all.”
“What? When? Why?”
“Look, I’m the only child of my mother and me and her are not seeing eye to eye. I’m going into my last semester in high school and I do not need the stress from her. I feel like I have nobody here in New York, not even my best friend.”
“What are you talking about Lisa? If you haven’t noticed, I was pregnant for the last nine and a half months. I now have two babies to look after and I’m going through a lot of stress. Can you please show a bitch some mercy?”
“Mercy? I have always shown you mercy. When you would go weeks without calling me, I’m the one that’s running to you to see if you’re okay. You’re never asking me how I feel. You know what your problem is Nessa? You’re selfish to the bone. You just take, take, and take. You never give. So don’t tell me about stress. If you never had sex with that old fool earlier this year, then you wouldn’t be in this predicament now.”
“Well excuse the shit outta me! From what I recall, over the phone that exact night, you were the one that directly encouraged me to have sex with him.”
“No you encouraged your own darn self, I -”
“Damn self. It’s damn self!”
“Whatever! I never came and placed an AK47 to your temple and say sleep with Victor or die. We were supposed to hang together that night, but you chose not to. I guess you were to dick happy to give a shit. Matter of fact you always talked about we gonna kick it tomorrow, we gonna kick it next week, and we never kicked it. I’m surprised you came to Coney Island with me. I always thought that I needed a friend. Well, I guess I don’t. Now bye, I don’t need you.”
“Put my child back in his crib.”
“Gladly tramp.”
“You know what Lisa? I don’t need your ass.” I know she was mad because she never cursed. But I didn’t care. You don’t call me a tramp in my house.
“I guess I see you sometime in the future Nessa.”
“How about never again?”
“Fine.”
She stared into my eyes for a couple of seconds, and then just stormed out of the apartment. I guess she was waiting on an apology or something. After a few hours I realized that I was wrong so I kept calling her house like crazy and no one answered. I know I’m gonna need all the help I can get. I was seriously thinking about adoption but I can’t abandon God’s gift.
I have an aunt in Canada that has always been telling me to come to Toronto to live with her. I kept saying no, but now I regret it. I’m glad I kept her number and address, now I just have to persuade her into letting me come. I don’t want to stay there anyway, but I have to do this for my kids. If I stay in New York I will lose this place. My mother has been receiving eviction notices for the longest now. I’m just going to leave for Toronto first thing in the morning.
I’m not going to bother calling my aunt, I’m just going to show up on her doorstep. I know for sure she hasn’t moved. I’m of West Indian descent. Caribbean people never move. They can stay in one spot for years. If they finally do decide to move, they take their whole house with them, literally. I saw my grandfather do that in Guyana once when I was a young buck.
Anyway, I’ll be back in Brooklyn once I get back on my feet. I can’t leave Brooklyn forever, it’s in my blood. I am going to miss this place though. Maybe one day I’ll be back to visit. I just can’t move back to the projects though. Good bye Bedford Stuyvesant.
From Sea to Sea
Finally on my aunt’s block in Canada, after a long ass bus ride to this country. I’m telling you this baby thing isn’t working for me at all. Make it worse I have twins. It is dark and raining like crazy. Thank God I finally made it to my aunt’s doorstep. Even though I know she would never turn me around, I still was a little nervous. She’s married now and I know how that can get. You have to make sure that your spouse is okay with someone coming to visit or live.
As I ring the bell my mind is telling me to turn around and just forget the whole thing. I hate having a funny feeling about something. When that happens I usually go with my intuition. Every time I ignore my intuition it seems like the worst happens. I’m going to ring the bell one more time and if no one answers I’m gone.
“Who is it?”
“It’s me.”
“Well I don’t happen to know someone by the name of me.” People from the islands are like the rudest on Earth. I know I shouldn’t have said me, but her response was just unnecessary. What’s life without West Indians? Boy I tell you.
“It’s Vanessa, Aunty Shelly.”
“What the hell! Vanessa.” My aunt opened the door with speed. She looked stunned with her hands covering her mouth.
“Yes aunty, it’s me.”
“Oh my God give aunty a hug. Wait a minute, who are these two little ones?”
“These are my babies, James and Janet.”
“Leonard!”
“Yes mommy!”
“Come help with your baby cousins! Nessa girl make yourself at home.”
“Thank you Aunt Shelly. Where’s your husband?”
“He’s at work. You’ll meet him in the morning. Girl it feels good having you here already. Now I’m not the only lady in the house. I get tired of living with all men. If they aren’t leaving the toilet seat up, screaming during sports, or leaving the house in a -. Wait, this boy aint come down yet? Leonard!”
Man nothing has changed. Good ole Aunt Shelly. Still fretting and carrying on crazy. This takes me back to when she use to bring Leonard over to play with me whenever she came to America. My cousin Leonard and I are the same age. We usually call him Lenny. Aunt Shelly calls his government name whenever she’s fed up with him.
Lenny was my boy. In Brooklyn we use to through rotten eggs off the rooftop. Most kids will wait until Halloween time to do that, but not us. We were like Bonnie and Clyde minus the Romance. No incest over here. I remember when Aunt Shelly use to send us on flights to Guyana together. That was like the worst she could’ve ever done. We tore tail back home. One time a teacher tried to beat Lenny with a tamarind whip. He took the same whip and whooped her ass with it. Up to this day, students from the primary school remind him of that counteraction. No matter what, you can never bring back the old days. You have to just try to make the best out of the current ones.
“I bet you Leonard’s up there glued to that damn computer game.”
“It’s alright. He’s going to come down sometime.”
“You got that right. Especially when he smells food. Anyway you just relax I know you’re weary.”
“Aunty Shelly, I want to thank you for letting me stay here and for everything you’ve ever done. I really do appreciate it.”
“Nessa you don’t ever have to thank me and you know that. So stop your foolishness. You hear me?”
“Yes Aunty Shelly.”
“You can stay here as long as you like. As long as you’re my niece, you can never wear out your welcome.”
“So what if I am no longer your niece?”
“Ha. You are damn comic.”
“I might be stressed, but you know you bring out the humor in me.”
“Of course, someone has to. You shouldn’t be stressed anyway. You have two beautiful babies. They might be hell to raise but it’s worth it. One day they’re going to turn around and take care of you. Right now they are just a blessing in disguise. Trust me. On Monday you’re going to sign up for school here. I will be damn if I let you flunk out of school. Education overrules foolishness young lady. In due time you’re going to get on your feet. You understand?”
“Yes Aunty Shelly.”
“Then you can move back to Brooklyn if you want to. First you have to finish school here and have a plan for if you choose to move back. In the meantime you will be just fine here. You’ll see.”
Back to the Stuy
It has been six months since I have been living here in Canada and I already have my high school diploma. I have to thank God and my aunt Shelly. Without my aunt, I do not know if I will still have my Janet and James in my possession. I am not even sure if I would have been alive today if I did not make the move. With all of that being said, I think I am ready to move back to the Stuy. That’s right, straight to Brooklyn. I enjoyed living here for the past few months and I am happy of what I’ve accomplished, but it is about that time.
My aunt said she believes that I am ready to go off on my own again but should not rush it. I don’t think I am rushing it. If anything, I am moving way too slow. My cousin Lenny hates the idea of me moving back to Brooklyn. He came up with every excuse ever created by man. He said I can get shot, thrown in a ditch, problems with the Italian mobs, and other crazy things. I don’t know why it is so hard for him to just say he’s going to miss me. That is why I tease him about it every time he comes forward with a different reason for why I should stay.
I am going to miss everyone more than they are going to miss me. I love this family dearly, but it is time for me to go out and raise my own. I already found an apartment and arranged my move in date with the landlord. As for a job, my current manager hooked me up with a cashier position at a Pathmark Supercenter in Brooklyn. I didn’t know that she could pull strings like that, good thing I stayed on her good side unlike most of the employees. You never know when you might need a person’s help.
Today is the day that I am finally leaving Canada and starting off my independent life again. This time around it is with my babies. Janet is amazing and isn’t a handful like many babies. As for James, he is already bad as hell. I could tell going back on my own is not going to be an easy ride.
Janet
It is finally senior year for me and my little brother. Yes, I know that James is only like a minute younger than me, but he is still my little brother. No matter how much little brothers piss us big sisters off, we still love them. I still don’t know how James and I ended up in the same English class. Then our teacher, Ms. Prescott, gets mad when we whisper to each other throughout her class. I see why she gets mad at my brother, but not me. I have the best grade in this class. My brother on the other hand, is a different story.
“Hey James, did you do your homework last night?”
“No. Yo why you always sweating me about doing homework?”
“Well, for one, we are in the same class and I got an A. So how you got a D?”
“So what Ms. Perfect. At least it is better than an F.”
“Oh, name calling I see. So tell me this James Bond, how can you get a D in the language you have been speaking since you learned how to talk? That is when you were like close to the age of two. Which was what, fifteen years ago?”
“Yo Janet I am so glad that this is the last and only class that I got with you.”
“Mr. and Ms. William, would you care to share your conversation with the class or with detention after school?” asked Ms. Prescott.
“I’ll go with detention,” replied my smart ass brother.
“Shut up James!” Here goes my brother with his smart ass mouth again.
“What was that James?”
“I said no Ms. Prescott.” The bell finally rings. Thank God.
“Yo James you need to cool it. We almost got detention because of you.”
“It’s not my fault Janet. Ms. Prescott needs some dick in her life for real. Anyway catch you outside by the car, in a few minutes. I gotta tell Young D, Hakeem, and DMC something real quick.”
“Iight. Imma hit up Kelly because I know she’s itching to talk. Don’t take long.”
“I won’t. Tell Kels I said hi.”
“Will do.” Kelly Slims, called Kels for short, is my best friend. We met during my freshman year here in H.S. 315. She lives in Crown Heights and I live in Bedford Stuyvesant. Also known as Bed Stuy. These are two of the most notorious hoods in Brooklyn, New York if you do not know by now. I always tease Kelly about coming all the way to Bed Stuy for school as if there are not any ones closer to Crown Heights. But then again, there are Brooklyn residents who go to Manhattan just for school. Kels has her ways but I still like her. Everyone has there ways.
“Damn Janet, you just pulled a disappearing act on my ass.”
“Kels, girl you stupid, it is not even like that. I knew you were gonna meet me at our locker like you always do.”
“I know. I’m just pulling your leg. Hey what’s the deal with you and ya tall, dark and handsome brother?”
“Ill, don’t ever say that again.” Kelly had a thing for my brother since our freshman year. I don’t know why she thinks I want to hear about it. I keep warning her to watch it though. My brother is the straight hit it and quit it type. But she doesn’t want to hear that.
“Why you said not to say it again?”
“Because. What the hell do you see in him?”
“Sexiness, exactly what I need at my party this weekend.”
“You make me wanna puke. Wait a minute homie. Did you just say party?”
“Yep. My parents are going to Orlando this weekend and they are leaving the crib to yours truly.”
Download this book for your ebook reader.
(Pages 1-32 show above.)