Heart Beet
Copyright by Dave Lassut 2012
Published by Wonky Books at Smashwords
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
Important note: Don’t forget to laugh.
EPUB ISBN: 978-1-908796-22-6
EBOOK ISBN: 978-1-908796-23-3
email: frankielassut1@aol.com
HEART BEET
Dedicated to Gail, the trigger and inspirer, and member of the group, The Fork Handles.
Inspiration?
I was talking to Gail on My Space. She said ... “I was just staring at a jar of beetroot on the shelf, and wondering ‘where are all the men with good hearts?’ I was scribbling a poem about it too”. She was on hubby No 3, and has three kids ... but, she was in the process of divorcing him, because he was boring and uncreative.
I took it that the beetroots represented hearts?
Well. Obvious isn’t it?
**
Gail sat in her kitchen, in the zone, staring at everything, smelling herby kitchen smells, and daydreaming at the same time. She was a creative lady, but she tended to choose uncreative men to drag to the altar and sire a future.
Her eyes wandered uninterestedly along a shelf, supporting jars, containing pickles, jam, chillies etc, and then, her head lifted slightly and she focussed her eyes into zoom mode, as she stopped at one which seemed to draw her to it ... she didn’t recognise it.
It was one of those really big ones too.
It had a label.
She got up and walked to the shelf and looked closer. The label said “Heart’s Pickled Beets”... the contents?
Well ok, beetroots, but still, the contents ‘sort of’ looked like, well; ‘hearts’?
She picked it off the shelf and read the contents, on the rear label.
Contains:
Malt Vinegar
Good men’s hearts.
“Good men’s hearts!?”
She was shocked!
She nearly dropped the jar.
At the bottom of the contents list was a note.
“Please tear off contents label, there is an instruction ‘book’ folded underneath.”
She did. It was one of those that unfolded.
She replaced the jar on the shelf, sat down, and unfolded the instructions.
She read ...
“No Way!” she thought ... “No freaking way!”
INSTRUCTIONS
1:
Firstly, before you begin to grow your ‘Man with a good heart’, you must first find out which of the hearts really belongs to you, so to speak (which we choose from the finest ‘destiny’ hearts available, by the way). It will hopefully be too cool in your kitchen for you to discover the heart that belongs to you, so, take the jar, wrap it in a towel, and put it in the airing cupboard overnight.
The next morning, look in and see if you can see which one of the hearts is beating. If you can’t see through the sides of the jar, the heart must be in the middle somewhere. If it is ...
2:
Put on a pair of rubber gloves if you’re squeamish, and then tip the hearts into a clean sink which you have disinfected. It may also help if you get a tissue, and tape it to your face so you don’t breathe germs over them, as they’re delicate.
It may also be handy for you to wear an apron, and a shower cap, like a hospital surgeon ... hearts are pretty sensitive things you see (well, these ones are, because you see, we at Heart Beet select only the finest, most sensitive hearts).
3:
Notice the pumping heart, and put it into a bowl, and cover with cling film. Don’t worry about it beating, it doesn’t need blood (yet) ... our hearts are specially treated to pump for ages and ages without the life sustaining fluid.
So. She folded up the instructions and put them in a place safe from hubby and kids, in the back of a kitchen drawer only ‘she’ used.
She then followed the instructions, found the heart, put it in a Tupperware bowl, and covered it with cling film. It beat on, pumpety pump, pumpety pump ...
She then wondered if she should keep it warm or put it in the cool pantry?
Hmmm?She got out the instructions again.
4:
Cover the bowl with a towel and put it in the airing cupboard. Then, have a rest, it’s been a bit of a surprise for you. Now be nice to yourself. How about you go out and get a DVD and a bottle of wine ... you deserve it.
She followed the instructions, and then went to the off licence, and got what the instructions had said (plus a bar of chocolate!)
This was the life!
She slept soundly that night, no dreams.
The next morning was Saturday, and hubby was taking the kids away for the weekend to see his parents. As soon as she’d hugged them and kissed them all goodbye, and they had disappeared round the corner at the end of the road, she ran to the airing cupboard and looked at her heart through the cling film. But, she couldn’t see it because of condensation, and she panicked! Should she remove the cling film and check if it had stopped?!
If it had, would she have to use open heart massage like they did in hospitals?! Ugh! She hoped not. She put it back into the warm airing cupboard, and rushed downstairs ... instructions! Instructions! Instructions!
Her own heart was almost jumping out of her chest, because, after all, ‘her’ future happiness depended on this.
Relieved. She got them from the drawer.
INSTRUCTIONS
5
By the way, get yourself some chocolate too. We at Heart Beet want ‘you’ to be happy. Sorry, we should have mentioned the chocolate in No 4
She nearly fainted! The instructions reflected her ‘desires’.
5 cont: If you have already tried to check the heart, and feel a little panicky because of the condensation, worry not, it’s ok; believe us. We understand your need for love and happiness, and you may think ‘it ‘might’ have stopped?!’
Don’t be concerned, it can’t, not in this early stage anyway; ‘our’ cardiac muscle is very special and strong and tough (tougher than the Milky Bar Kid!)
So, the next thing you need to do, is get the bowl, take off the cling film, gently wash the heart in warm water, and then put it back in the bowl.
Then, if you have one, spray it with one of those plant water spray bottles to moisten it, and then re - cling film the bowl and put it back in the airing cupboard. Please remember to dress in facial tissue, apron and shower cap while you are looking after your good man’s heart.
She did all that, and then wanted so, so much to go round her friend’s house and tell her; she had had some men too who hadn’t been what she wanted, although she had thought so at first. In fact, her friend’s husband and hers, had turned them both into golf widows!
She finished her tea, and was about to leave the house, when she had a strange feeling ... she needed to read the instructions again; she ‘had’ to.
INSTRUCTIONS
6:
Don’t tell your friend just yet please. Keep it to yourself for now.
That was the second time she nearly fainted that day.
6 (continued): Listen. Try not to wait for something, because when the mind does that, it slows your desire down by thinking of ‘lack’. So instead of thinking about what you think you haven’t got, distract yourself by enjoying yourself!
Go do something you really ‘love’ to do. Go practice that new piece on your bass guitar. Go raise your vibration. Love will come when it’s ready, and in your case, it must ‘grow’. And, don’t worry, because if you worry about it, you’ll lower your emotional vibration, and attract the subject of the worry, that’s how Heart Beet works. We’ve done enough research to know just what you choose, yes choose, and want in a ‘desire’ sort of way. Trust us, and trust yourself. We’ve already made sure that it’s going to happen. So called ‘mean’ time is goodtime.
Take the word ‘mean’, look at it, can you see the hidden word? ‘Amen’, which means, ‘It is so!’
Your heart’s desire is preparing itself in the airing cupboard.
If you are not satisfied with the product in any way though, please return it, stating when and where you bought it, and we will refund you in full.
Third near faint.
She thought about this, and went to look at the jar, just in case.
There was no address on the label.
She looked at the instructions again. She was angry!
7
No need for a return address when there’s absolutely no need for you to worry, is there?
She relaxed a little. She was sorta getting used to this now. She placed the instructions in the drawer, and went and battered a few strings on her bass ... heaven!!
She did the airing cupboard heart tend for one week, as per instructions.
One morning, hubby was at work in the golf course shop, and she was dusting, when she heard the letterbox open and shut, and letters and stuff falling on the floor. She loved letters and all the other delights that the postman brought.
There was one in particular which was in a white envelope, and in the top left hand corner, had a beetroot jar. She wondered for a second, and then opened it. Inside was a small book.
WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW NOW IN ORDER TO GROW YOUR OWN HAPPINESS i.e. a MAN WITH A GOOD HEART.
She gingerly opened it. The first page said ... please refer to the instructions from the jar. Please don’t turn the pages any further yet. Ta.
Okkkkkkk.
She got out her ...
INSTRUCTIONS (it’s a week later remember).
13:
Congratulations on receiving your free book, sent with our love and best wishes.
It is now time for your heart to be taken from the airing cupboard, and put in a longer Tupperware box, as a round one is no use anymore. So, go to the shops if you don’t have one twice the size, and buy one. Get some wine and chocolate for later; treat yourself. Remember, you’re special, God made you in her own image and likeness after all, and so, you deserve everything lovely and nice: that’s the law of the Universe and life.
She went out and bought one (and some wine, and some chocolate, and a DVD ... The Shawshank Redemption; again).
INSTRUCTIONS
14:
Take heart from airing cupboard.
Place cling film covered Tupperware box on sink unit. Open your new book to the first ‘dream-wish’. Place it next to Tupperware box containing the beating heart, so it stays open.
There was a poem on the page.
14 cont
Place the new Tupperware box, open (in fact, the lid wont be needed, cling film is best), by the other side of the original box on the sink unit.
Please note, our instructions were written by Precise Instructions Plc, who, we are glad to say, work exclusively for us, and not companies who sell TVs and Videos etc. If you’d like to complain, please; you’ll not need to.
Dress appropriately.
Take heart from original container, and place in new one. Make sure you’ve washed and disinfected it.
She did
14 cont
Now. Look at the still beating (we told you!!) heart, and read the first poem.
She looked at the beating heart, and kept glancing at the book, obviously.
Oh my dear heart
The one I’ve looked for all my life
Please become much more ... once more make flesh
And be the greatest love of mine
I can wait for you
To come to me
And when you do
I know you’ll make me happy.
She expected something miraculous then ... but nothing changed, and the heart simply kept on beating, steadily ...
Bugger. Why couldn’t it turn into a tall dark handsome stranger like in those magic movies? Ka tum ka tum ... steadyyyy
She looked at the book again.
Under the poem, it simply said.
Please don’t turn the page yet. Refer to instructions.
INSTRUCTIONS.
15:
Please place cling film covered box somewhere cooler. Please spray with water twice a day now too. Wear a tissue mask when doing so. Thanks. Don’t tell anyone.
And she (Gail) did.
And so, using meantime as intended, the heart began to grow flesh around it ... muscle to be exact. There again, what’s the point of me, the author, telling you, the reader that ... because you knew didn’t you. Her husband and kids never ever caught Gail tending to her new, perfect man’s heart; why?
INSTRUCTIONS
16
Don’t worry about getting caught tending your ‘perfect lovers heart’ by your family, and of course, we here will make sure they don’t disturb you.
Gail watered her perfect lover’s heart as per instruction, which was now surrounded by newly developed muscle, and as everyone knows, human tissue is at least 85% water.
She imagined him. Strong. Dynamic. A sense of humour to leave the best comedians standing. A body like ... ooooohhhh! ... You knowwww! ... Purrrrfection in a body; although it looked slimy and butcher’s shop windowy at the moment. Never mind though, she trusted the instructions and the book.
INSTRUCTIONS.
17:
Today. The heart should be covered in enough flesh and the beginning of ribs, to merit a new Tupperware box. Go out and get one twice the size ... we’ll need it.
So. She did. She also underwent the instructions, and soon, a few days later, found herself swapping Tupperware again ... on the sink top ... with the thin handbook.
Oh my heart, who now has flesh
Pump oh pump away
Build my lover, who will be mine
I love him more day by day.
Make him handsome, make him fit
Make him perfectly into my life to sit
Happiness he will bring to me
Oh how I’ve longed for this perfect life bit.
She then swapped boxes, and put cling film over the top of the new one ... and recycled the lid.
The trouble was, the instructions kept insisting on a bigger Tupperware box, which was a pain, which was eased by the happy love poems, which were enough to melt hearts. Soon though, she would have to abandon the sink top ritual, as the constantly growing beautiful (in all aspects) male was getting too big for her to pick up, never mind fit into the airing cupboard.
Where next?
She would have to put him in the garden shed! That was the solution!
Thankfully, that wasn’t a problem, as her husband never ever went in there, and the kids had no toys stashed.
While the perfect man was still carry-able, she moved him late one night when everyone was flat out visiting the land of Nod.
She sometimes made her own whispery songs up in the shed, as she stared at the meat filled box, and glanced through the condensated cling film ... boy, was he giving off some moisture ...
Oh you’re soon to be my perfect man
Fill my life, I know you can
Make me happy, I know you will
To my life, you’ll add a thrill ...
And the body in the Tupperware box grew, slowly, using meantime, which is ‘almost’ invisible ... except when it’s revealed by time lapse photography.
INSTRUCTIONS:
26:
Now we have a problem. Nowhere, we know because we had some of our people check; nowhere will sell the next size up box. So, that is what’s called a BIG problem. Also, the next BIG problem, is to do with your own bodily strength ...
This was getting hard to read, as Gail had folded the instructions so many times now, that the folded bits were going to fibre, and getting fuzzy.
Bodily strength? Did it say that?
Next bit.
Yes, please do 100 press-ups a day, or visit a gym. The reason why we say this is because he’s going to get hard to move to the next box.
We’ve decided to be very helpful here, and the next box will be seven feet long, to give plenty of space for his head and legs ... he’s tall. Also, the box has to be four feet wide, to allow his shoulders; we absolutely ‘will not’ short change you, tall dark and handsome you requested in your mind, so; ask and you will receive.
We are glad and happy to oblige.
We will now give you ten weeks to build yourself up to be able to move him into the next box. It will come by courier ... we have paid for your happiness. Lots of love to you. You will need to be in next Wednesday morning to sign for it. It has no lid. You can supply the cling film ... 4 packs.
Gail built up her arms and those big muscles underneath the arms by exercising in the gym, and at home. Honestly, she did feel better for it. She began to look fabulous, like one of the women gladiators (from the NIA Birmingham, not the Roman era).