Desi–Pun!
Yo! Pun Intended
Almost 25 Indiastic Short Stories
Mohit Sharma
(Trendster)
© Mohit Sharma, All rights reserved.
There are quite a few synonyms of “Contrast” like Dissimilarity, Variation, Gap, Difference, Divergence, Unlikeness and Disparity etc. I want to add one more word in this list “India”. This crazy country is beautiful, vibrant & deep. When you think that you know a lot about India it presents some new permutation & combination leading to countless invisible probabilities. These ‘punny’ stories attempt to cover few related yet contrasting aspects present in India.
I wrote many write-ups during my school & graduation years & I have quite a few promising ideas in my rugged jhola. I will continue to explore India & write on imperative aspects related to Bharat.
I would like to thank my friends, teachers, colleagues in UPES - Dehradun, Lucknow Christian Degree College, IGNOU, Rani Laxmi Bai Memorial School, NGOs. My virtual yet powerful people on Indian Comics Communities, Storywrite Website, Allpoetry Website, Blogger Website, MRAs etc. Thanks for being so efficient & so willing to help in all occasions.
The last thank you goes to my family for everything!
Mohit Sharma
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- Sorry! Smt. Maneka Gandhi ji
Who are these people? Animal Rights Activists? Why?
People working on behalf of others without payment for their time and services. Animal rights, also referred to as animal liberation, is the idea that the most basic interests of non-human animals should be afforded the same consideration as the similar interests of human beings. Why? This is super socialism. They are spending billions on animals when hundreds of people in my mega slum die annually. I am struggling for all the basic necessities like food, water, shelter, clothing, then why should I adopt a dog? I know how to read and write but I am not listening to them and I don’t want their pictorial pamphlets. They say we are brainwashed….I don’t understand their logics and statistics. Maybe they are right but we are hungry!
Away from my slum, in this dark cold night, I was feeling very sad and frightened at the same time. I had never committed a murder before but today I had do so in order to save our lives. I didn't want to ruin my life just for this tiny little stupid thing. I had made up my mind. I would murder him in the dead of night and no one would ever know what happened to him. I was looking forward to a very happy life with my beautiful love. But first I had to kill this witless git. I sharpened my knife and with a loud thud, his life ended. Feeling not a little feeling of regret in my heart, I started burying him. Poor dog breathed his last in the ‘backyard’ of my hut and I felt very relieved to end this fiasco. Having some serious hatred with animals especially dogs, (and humans) I would never had let this stupid moron in my house but my wife was insisting to keep him with us. Stray Cows, Buffaloes, Goats and other plants, grass eating animals are okay as they never demand anything except causing few accidents on roads and injuring Bikers, pedestrians and rarely those rich people in their Air Conditioned Cars. But Dogs, no they are not okay because they want bread. This was the main reason of our ongoing problems. When I will get a decent job then I will gift her 1…no..2 dogs. I crossed my fingers to pray for the poor thing and started moving towards my home where a ‘happy’ life and beauteous love was waiting for me.
The End!
Author Notes:
*) -
Smt. (Shrimati) is an honorific (Hindi) used for women.
*) -
Maneka Gandhi is an Indian politician, animal rights activist,
environmentalist, former model.
2) – Henna Arrest
The Namasteys and have a seats and then after few seconds the business.
“Will
you be paying?” the saloon in-charge asked my
mom.
“Yes."
“Rs. 50 each side,”
said the in-charge. “that makes Rs.200/- for both hands of a
person."
“You want to have henna on both sides of
your hand?” my mother asked me.
She is
a great actor. Her dream to see me as bride and write off her ‘social
liability’ (or maybe Bad Debt) is coming true. I am helpless,
feeling like a lost warrior. Almost 9 years back, when she started
arranging “Handsome, Settled” groom for me. I begged for
some time so that I can pursue my dream in Clinical Research. She
agreed, never said anything after that…though her acid eyes
regularly harassed me as if asking “Is that ‘some time’
over?” and finally her patience paid off, I surrendered. There
were times when I was close to achieve my dream but records say that
I did almost nothing during these 9 years.
"No only on
the upper sides," I told my mom.
“Ayesha and Sonia
take this girl and apply henna to her hand,” said the manager,
“and make it fast."
The two girls, who were about
my age, took me to one of the outer sides and told me to sit on a
bench while they took a seat just in front of me. Opening the seal of
the cone they started making designs on my hand.
The scent of
henna filled the air, putting my senses on full alert, like a coffee
bean though more soothing. I looked around, making sure not to move
my hand.
The saloon was made of two perpendicular walls. One
was half covered by a big rectangle mirror beneath which a long
wooden desk was installed against the wall, containing all the
equipment and accessories in its shelves while the other had posters
of brides and models smiling at the passersby. Two long benches were
installed on the opposite side of the wall. A pillar supported the
ceiling from the open side.
Even though the people were from
different sects the place had a homey feeling about it. A lady in the
saloon opposite to me was having her hair dyed. To the right corner
side a lady was buying sandals for her grandchildren. A couple of
woman were gossiping and sipping tea.
My cousins were
chatting about the wedding, what they were going to wear and
competing over who would look best. My mom kept stating the fact that
the bride would look beautiful. I kept my opinions to myself as I
don’t like weddings and consider it the most boring event I
would ever witness.
My back was aching badly. The constant
scratching of the henna cone against my palm was overbearing. It took
all my strength to keep my hands from moving.
My cousin was
poking me to make sure I was all right. It was irritating. It was not
her mistake though, my mom was probably driving her crazy telling her
to make sure if I was ok. My mom is over-caring which can be
irritating at times. She was probably thinking of the bad things that
might happen and since I was sitting on the outer bench, out of her
sight, I can't imagine how she must be feeling.
"Here you
are done!" said Ayesha to me, flipping the cone through her
bun-tied black hair. I was taken aback at her remark. Looking at the
pattern on my hand, I tried to memorize the design, just so I could
make it whenever needed.
"Is something wrong?"
Ayesha asked
"Nothing," I replied.
"We
got to go." My cousin poked me.
The End!
3) - Social Modeling
A young couple from a European Country Tom and Trisha were on a World Tour. After few weeks of mixed adventure in African Countries they reached India.....their first stop in Asia. They were roaming on the bumpy roads to get the real feel of India.
Tom - "Darling, look at that...."
Trisha - "Who? Mahatma Gandhi?"
Tom - "Why do you have only four guesses for every new thing and surprise in India? There are billion of people and things In India apart from Taj Mahal, Kama Sutra, Handicrafts and Of Course Mahatma Gandhi."
Tom - "Look at that poor soul on the side of the pavement."
Trisha -"Oh, wounded, poor man, is using a copy of 'Public Times' to hide his privates."
Tom - "We must help him."
The couple rushed towards that 'Poor Soul'.
Trisha - "Tom, give him your old...err...new shirts and trousers."
Tom - "We should call the Doctor first and offer him some packed food. He is shivering...BIG TIME. 'Hey man, we are right here for you. You need something? Feel free to ask anything.'"
The Poor Soul stares at Trisha and Tom alters his promise in his earlier sentence.
Tom - "....I mean not anything."
Annoyed Poor Soul shouted.
"What's your problem man?"
Tom - "You are wounded, you were shivering...we want to help you."
"O, Come on! Not again. For Mango's sake.....this...that's why I was 'shivering'."
Poor Soul setting his long hairs back showed the couple his latest I-Pod and ear plugs.
Trisha - "An, I-Pod....you have...."
"Ya, I have an I-Pod. By the way, do me a favor..."
Trisha - "What?"
"Please download the latest anti-virus on my Lap Top and Leap Top. These Fuckers, I meant Hackers are making my life hell."
Tom - "We thought that India is a developing poor country and you surely looked like a Beggar."
"Well, mates, this is my profession."
Trisha - "Begging?"
"O, no....no...I am a Social Model."
Tom - "...and What's that? Never heard about Social Modeling before."
"Actually, I regularly travel in various states, cities and villages of India and work temporarily for Non Governmental Organizations (N.G.O.s) working for many social causes. According to the needs of my clients I pose in different make-ups, get-ups receiving money, gifts, help, aid, etc, from the members of N.G.O.s....they use my photos to gather money and grants from Public, Government, Corporate and he he...Foreign Countries. I was waiting for my client and you people just...."
After few minutes Doctor (called by Tom) arrived at the scene and was attending Tom and Trisha....both fainted in shock.
The End!
Author Notes:
India is estimated to have around 3.5 million NGOs (2010).
4) – ‘Disputed’ Champions
Saurav and Shazia (India) got wild card entry in Mixed Doubles category of Tennis Slaves Series. In international sports, the term (wild card) is perhaps best known in reference to big international sporting events such as Olympic Games or Wimbledon. Countries which fail to produce athletes able to meet performance requirements to compete are granted "wild cards", which enable them to send competitors tournaments even if those competitors' abilities are below the required standards. Though, there were few better ranked Tennis players in India but they were busy in other tournaments, injured (and some popular celebrity showing off their stardom by statements like we are focusing on Olympics...skipping 'small' tournaments).
This was second year of Egypt’s Tennis Slaves Series. There were 16 pairs in the Mixed Doubles Event. The only unique rule was the two players should be of same country which happens in
big International events like Olympics, Asian Games, Commonwealth Games, etc as nations also compete in composite Medal Tally of all the events. 3 Rounds before Final (First round of 16, Quarter Finals, Semi Finals). The Indian pair, scheduled to play Chadian players, was very excited and happy as their rankings were better than the Chadian duo and the players from Chad were unseeded.
Just before the games a bitter Civil War broke out in eastern Chad and all the International Flights were cancelled. Indians progressed to Quarter Finals with a W.O. or Walkover win. They practiced for 2 days before their next match. Their opponents were Markal Bass and Cindy Pass from Nepal. But on the eve of match Cindy was disqualified by World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) for doping violations in the last round of 16 match. Saurav and Shazia got their second Walkover and they were in the semis. They were happy and "Only 2 Steps...." was the only thing in their mind. Russians won their first 2 matches and were scheduled to play Indians next.
Zafira Nova, Top-seeded International star was main attraction in women's singles of the same tournament. She got injured in her singles semi-final match. She retired from the match and from the Mixed Doubles Event. Indian pair was now in Final of Egypt’s Tennis Slaves Series.
Shazia - "Everyone is focusing on singles events....media and all, no news of us 'making' it to the final?"
A reporter heard this line of Shazia when she was practicing with Saurav and quoted it in the next day's National Newspaper. Now, not "everyone" but many were talking about these two players. SMS and Internet Jokes circulated everywhere. "Register your names and you are a finalist! Hurry!"
Next, top-seeded Israeli pair. They were called Mixed Doubles Specialist with 29 titles to their credit. They were super professionals and favorites in the Sunday final.
Saturday evening, some Palestinian extremist kidnapped Israeli Players for their multiple demands. Authorities had no clue of the players on Sunday and reserve day, Monday.
Indians were declared the champions of Mixed Double Event of Egypt’s Tennis Slaves Series. The joke changed "Register and be a Champion plus a free foreign trip!"
The End!
Author Notes:
*) - A
walkover or W.O. is the awarding of a victory to a contestant because
there are no other contestants, or because the other contestants have
been disqualified or have forfeited.
*) - The World
Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) is an independent foundation created
through a collective initiative led by the International Olympic
Committee (IOC) to promote, coordinate and monitor the fight against
drugs in sport.
5) – Fire’s Sermon
"Shyama!"
This word, this name is placed in my memory with an audio file. Voice of my neighbor Mr. Sumit Talwar calling his wife loud and…Sounding...harsh. Though, Shyama was often heard laughing and seen standing on a balcony smiling. Few neighbors residing close were amazed by such contrasting voices. One thing was sure that she was happy and everyone was unable to decipher Mr. Talwar’s expressions and actions to say that A 'muscleman', his every action and word was like a semi-slow motion and surprisingly delicate considering his heavyweight frame. Mr. Talwar’s first impression to many was ignorant and rude. Almost zero social circle, very poor attendance in festive or social gatherings, almost no facial expressions like Rahul Dravid batting on the Fourth Boring day of Cricket test match heading towards a Draw.
Yesterday was like any other day. Then I heard a blast. It was like a Bomb blast. But bomb blasts were ‘far away’ from majority of India. People rushed (or many looked) outside to expect something thrilling to change their ordinary day.
Half the house of Talwars was on fire. The cooking gas cylinder burst while Shyama was preparing food in the kitchen. Besides, Sumit was badly injured. Burnt part of his formal office clothes sticking to his body. Inert and burnt Shyama was in his hands. I don’t know about the degrees of burns but her body was a black sticky mess.
I called 101 (Fire Service) for a Fire Brigade. They told me that someone already informed them and the fire brigade is on it's way.
Sumit was crying and shouting random things. He was doing everything he never did or probably he never showed anyone except Shyama. He was repeatedly kissing her, talking to her. His trademark slow motions vanished as he jumped, bumped and ran moved like a 'Black Cat' Commando. His car was in a service station so he ran to all the houses in colony and asked for Help or Car to rush to Hospital but before anyone could respond he moved to next house as if he was waiting for that person’s reply for quite some time.