All Rights Reserved Asad Shabbir 2012.
Dedicated to life, for there is nothing more valuable.
“But
in the end one needs more courage to live than to kill
himself.”
― Albert
Camus
I looked down, watching the blood on my arm trickle to the edge of my elbow, before falling twenty eight stories. I had never been particularly scared of heights, except this one time where I almost fell of a pair of stilts.
I guess I’m not afraid because of everything that’s been going on my head right now. My mind is seething, literally seething right now. I looked down again, watching small ant-sized people go about their business and the diminutive cars drive around the bustling city. Pausing my mental activity for one brief moment, I calculated where I would land. It doesn’t matter anyways, I decided, remembering that most people die due to heart failure even before they hit the ground.
I wanted to do it. Every moral fiber in my body screamed for it, I cried out as I told myself that there would not be much time to enjoy the pain. What a stupid term, enjoy the pain. Yet I was the one who just spent a good three quarters of an hour artistically cutting my arm. I know other people who cut themselves but I am different. While the enjoyment of pain is an aim, I try to push my limits. My intentions are to make as big a hole in my body as possible, without dying. So far, I have succeeded, as you might observe.
But this was different. I knew this would make one hole that will allow death to finally conquer me. And I was not fully sure of whether I wanted to switch myself off or not. A part of me wanted to, but my logical side kicked in and wasn’t letting me. If it were not for my logical side, I would have jumped long before and wouldn’t be having this conversation with you.
Wow, I hadn’t noticed… there are people down there who just noticed me. Ah crap! Now they will send an ambulance and some idiotic policeman will come and try and talk me out of it. This actually increases the level of stress on the person. If you want to commit suicide, and are considering whether to do it or not and everyone starts interrupting you, it’s not good. You will most likely hurry you’re thinking process and make a rash decision. It’s funny how cops always presume mass psychology.
The door burst open behind me. I did not have to look back. I knew who it was.
“Dude, I’ve been looking everywhere for you.” Said Paul, clearly tired from climbing stairs.
I didn’t reply. I did not know what to say. It was embarrassingly clear that Pal was simply trying to make a conversation and delay my actions.
“Don’t you come a step closer!” I warned, lifting one foot. I watched myself balance on one foot, on the edge of a tall skyscraper. Fighting the temptation to keep my pose and get Paul to take a picture, I replaced my foot and resumed thinking.