DISCLAIMER
Thank you for downloading this ebook. This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. A redditor’s life was published with the written permission from Reddit, Inc. However, a redditor’s life is not endorsed or directly associated with Reddit, Inc. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any other information storage and retrieval system, without the written permission from the publisher. This ebook is based on a true story. However, the names, places, characters, situations, and incidents may be supplemented by the product of the author’s imagination to be used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or non-living occurred by complete coincidence. All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof any form whatsoever.
A redditor’s life…
Copyright © 2012 by F&I Publishing Group, LLC
At Smashwords
WORDS FROM THE AUTHOR
I wish to dedicate this book to the entire Reddit community. I want to thank my friends, mentors, and family for their continued patience throughout the years. I extend special appreciation to Reddit, Inc for granting permission to write about their amazing community. I consider myself incredibly fortunate for the opportunity to use my passion to express my interest. Without the unity of these forces, this book would not exist.
I firmly believe that dedication and perseverance are the keys to a happy, fulfilling, and prosperous life. If you haven’t yet discovered your passion in life, you have not lived to your potential. If you haven’t yet experienced the feelings of losing what you love most, you have not lived to your potential. If you wake up in the morning with nothing to lose, you have not lived to your potential. Whatever inspires you most, I encourage you to pursue it. Don’t allow the weight of negativity to discourage or hinder you in your acquisition. As big as this world is, there is that one thing that you enjoy doing the most. Although you may be overwhelmed by the uncertainty that comes with ambition, never give up! There’s always another opportunity for reservation. You may hesitate because of the high probability of failure. You may procrastinate because you are haunted by the fear of rejection. Whatever the reason, you have no chance unless you give it a shot. So go for it…!
a redditor’s life
by
Augustus Savage
&
Edited by Jennabeth Ward
Chapter 1: Harvey Stone
THE DISCOVERY
“My name is Harvey Stone.”
Although our glorious union on that incredible day occurred fortuitously, I felt a peculiar sense of familiarity that can only be explained as a convergence of a previous reincarnation. She appeared simultaneously foreign and natural. “This may seem strange, but I feel like we’ve met before,” I said. She continued looking into my eyes in silence. As I pondered this juxtaposition, the significance of this inevitability struck with the force of a cartoon anvil. She is a manifestation of my dark sense of humor, social awkwardness, and pursuit of knowledge. Our unlikely collision on that day has since revolutionized my entire life with a dominating force that can only be comparable to an addiction to heroin. I need a minimum of three daily fixes to ensure the normal functioning of my biological mechanisms.
We share a beautiful relationship that becomes increasingly amazing as the years roll on. As I stand at the pinnacle of our happy life together, I humbly smile upon the millions of redditors across the world who understand my emotional attachment to her allure. If she was a temptress on the Sirenum Islands, I would’ve definitely crashed my ship. She is the front page of the Internet. More importantly, she is the front page of my heart. Her name is Reddit…
THE DAILY ROUTINE
My alarm rings annoyingly! After a series of snoozes, I eventually rise to meet the penetrating rays of the luminous sun. I reach over for my computer and immediately log into the Reddit world.
[Not sure if I slept too much; or too little - Futurama Fry]
After quickly pondering my overwhelming sense of fatigue in the early morning, I realize that I stayed up late surfing Reddit. “Damn! When will I learn?” I asked as I continued to wonder about my fatigue. “Ah ha!” I lost track of time last night when I was reading a thread about intelligence. When I put down the computer and tried to sleep, I realized that I was still thinking about the topic. It’s difficult to sleep when the volume in your mind is blasting. “Okay. Time to wake up,” I declared as I sat up to browse Reddit!
After a 30-minute fix, I proceed towards the bathroom to undergo the usual transformation from a zombie to a slightly more presentable derivation of the original zombie. Sometimes I wonder why we first-world laureates are required to hide our flaws and abnormalities behind the superficial covering of hair gel, make-up, fashionable clothes, and a minty fresh breath. I begin to imagine myself in the Dark Ages. I think about foul conversations with my neighbor as the green fume lines of their disgusting breath penetrate my olfactory defenses. “Okay, I’m glad they invented toothpaste,” I thought as I squeezed the tube onto my toothbrush. “I really hate speaking to people with bad breath.” I wonder if there’s a TIL that can enlighten me about the historic version of toothpaste,” I asked. I proceeded to do a quick Internet search. According to the top hit, people used twigs, urine, and leaves to combat bad breath before toothpaste was invented. A good scientist always checks the credibility of any claim! Because I’m in a rush, I’ll blindly assume that people used urine to combat the horrors of morning breath before toothpaste was invented. A fine opportunity to collect some valuable upvotes!
[TIL that people brushed their teeth with urine before toothpaste was invented]
After the daily migration, I finally arrive to the lab. Currently, we’re investigating the effects of carbon nanotube alignment on the efficacy of organic solar cells. Climate change represents one of the greatest challenges of our generation. Without crucial research in photovoltaics, our world will suffer irrevocable changes that will permanently influence future generations. Since nuclear energy is such a politically volatile issue, it seems solar energy is the most realistic option we have.
[What if climate change is fictitiously created by Big Brother; and we’re the idiots for believing it - Conspiracy Keanu]
Our work parallels the general turtle-pace of any scientific research laboratory. After the brief morning meeting concluded, I begin the daily experiments. Solid-State Physics is extremely automated once the software programs and experiments have been correctly designed. I simply press a couple buttons and allow the experiment to run. “Sweet, an hour to surf Reddit,” I said as I brewed my elixir of youth. While enjoying my morning coffee (black), I obtain my second fix. In case you’re wondering, I specified black coffee to display my masculine domination over those weakly creatures that use coffee additives.
[Ran out of creamer; doesn’t need it - Success Kid]
After finishing a couple of experiments, I pick up my books and walk to the library. While I walk, I text-message my team and inform them to interpret the data that I just acquired. Every successful research laboratory requires efficient collaboration and open communication to achieve its daily tasks.
After studying for 6 hours, I have earned my daily privilege to enter the cathedral of the university gym. Although the gym is an amazing source of therapy, it is typically plagued with hyper-masculine buff guys.
[Lifts 80lb; Thinks it’s 800lbs - Scumbag Buff Guy]
The animalistic behavior is similar to a pride of lions on those nature shows. The basic premise is 10 males trying to impress a single female in hopes of an unlikely mating opportunity. The general symptoms of hyper-masculinity include: grunting, flexing, and an overuse of the word “bro.” I wonder if these futile attempts actually work. Then it hits me…
[The tough guys actually get the girls; and I’m the loser that goes home empty-handed - Conspiracy Keanu]
A few weeks ago, one of these “tough guys” actually had the audacity to make fun of my use of seemingly light weights. “Dude, you lift like a girl, bro,” laughed Steve as he walked towards me.
“My goal is not to get huge muscles. I prefer defined muscles that I can hide,” I said as I finished my last reps. Other than big muscles, this guy has the sex appeal of a urinal. When you actually consider it, it makes sense that he relies on the physical augmentation of his body to attract mates. If you don’t have an enticing personality, intelligence, physical attractiveness, or a sense of humor, it explains this behavior. In addition, bodybuilding gives him a sense of community and belonging. Maybe I consider high-fives after every joke to be stupid. However, it may not be for him.
“Bro, chicks dig these. You’re fooling yourself with that nonsense,” exclaimed Steve while kissing his biceps. In a strange interpretation of this conversation, he’s actually trying to give me advice. Although I think this advice is ridiculous, he is genuinely trying to help me. For this, I am grateful.
“Maybe you’re right,” I responded as I defused the awkward situation, I couldn’t help but internally laugh. Perhaps it’s difficult for him to fathom, but people exercise with different goals. I can care less whether chicks dig me or not. In fact, I would rather stay away from the women that are attracted to those types of guys. In the likelihood that I actually do date one of those girls, I would have to constantly deal with her “tough guy” friends. I rather not. Also, he is probably unaware that I am an avid boxer and can easily disassemble his arrogance. Having associated with gang-members for the majority of my life, I learned to fight at a young age.
[You have threatening muscles; How cute? - Condescending Wonka]
As my workout neared its natural conclusion, an epiphany about my lab data struck like the first sound of thunder. I believe the gym to be a catalyzing environment that nurtures developing ideas to their maturity. I immediately walk to lab to write down my findings.
Finally, I return to the safety of my small apartment to replenish my depleted body with the glorious bounty of instant noodles. As a student that is aspiring to become a surgeon, I can see the hypocrisy. I’ll admit that these noodles are nutritiously empty, but any college student can testify on behalf of the unrivaled taste of their MSG packets.
[TIL MSG (Monosodium Glutamate) is a sodium salt of glutamic acid that can actually ruin food-flavor when used in slight excess]
My favorite noodles are the spicy ones you can only find within the deepest nooks of Chinatown. Besides, my budget prevents me from purchasing healthier alternatives. Although I prefer to significantly replace my intake of macro-nutrients with the rejuvenation of micro-nutrients, this is currently impossible. My ideal breakfast and lunch consists of apples, mango, celery, broccoli, carrots, spinach, green beans, beets, lemon, and cilantro. However, this type of diet is incredibly expensive and currently unattainable from my humble existence. If you calculate average student loans and consider the accruing interest over 20 years, you actually pay back approximately twice the original amount. Basically, if you spend $1, expect to pay back $2. To make matters worse, student loans aren’t dischargeable through bankruptcy. This debt shouldn’t be taken lightly because it can realistically ruin your life. This is why I eat instant noodles.
As I sit with my girlfriend, Leah, in our small dimly lit apartment, my mind often wonders about all the changes that have occurred to me in the past four years. I’m so fortunate to be sitting in the calm and relaxing environment of academia. Understanding the juxtaposition between my current life and my previous life is the steam that powers my motivation. People from my neighborhood rarely escape the toxic tethers of poverty, especially after being deeply entangled in the corrosion of peer-pressure. As I log onto the Reddit world, I continue this spiraling thought into the early morning.
Chapter 2: My Previous Life
THE DAILY DRAMA
“I heard you talkin’ shit bout’ my crew. You think this is a game,” I demanded as I pushed Jackson against the wall. In my youth, I discovered that surprise provides a significant tactical advantage during any conflict.
“Yo’ we didn’t mean it like that,” exclaimed Jackson while attempting to maintain his composure. I sensed the fear in him by the shaking of his voice.
“Nah. Nah.” As I thrust my fist into Jackson’s right eye, his friends quickly scattered. He was now outmatched four to one. I continued the blitzkrieg on the fallen Jackson. It wasn’t much of a fight. “What set you wit’!”
“None,” screamed Jackson while curled in a defensive ball. At this point, he was badly bloodied, but not to the extent that required hospitalization.
“Stay down if you know what’s good,” I exclaimed as I began backing off. After another sudden series of kicks to his stomach, I spat on him and walked away feeling confident. I felt like a badass for winning an unfair fight. We returned to the safety of the local convenience store to celebrate our short-lived taste of power. Power is addictive. Once your lips touch the succulent nectar of its allure, it’s difficult to let go. It’s hard to sit in a classroom and subject yourself to the superiority of the disenchanted teacher. Most of the teachers in inner-city public schools are not the heroic type you see in movies. Although we all would wish for a passionate teacher that forces us to learn calculus during the summertime, we are not so fortunate to receive such motivating educators. When my teacher told me that I amount to nothing, it’s not surprising that I purged the idea of academia at a young age. Sometimes, my emotional side desires the satisfaction of proving that teacher wrong. I want to show my face and declare his predictions incorrect. However, I realize that his prejudicial assumptions were made with good reason. I was the leader of a gang and regularly cut class. Why would he believe in such a person with such a callused mind?
In impoverished neighborhoods, the source of a violent situation is often sparked by mere rumors or speculation. Unfortunately, sometimes the heat of the moment can escalade the issue beyond repairable surface wounds. Imagine ruining the rest of your life in one moment of immature adolescence.
As you hopelessly squat behind the constricting bars of your prison cell, you fantasize about the life you could’ve had. You begin imagining the cozy life of your happy family. The evenings spent sitting beside the crackling fireplace in your warm and comfortable home. As you listen to your wife reading to your two beautiful children, you confidently know that you are creating wonderful memories for them to reflect in their adulthood. You feel the exhilarating thoughts of success as your body is ferociously pumping pleasure-feeling neurotransmitters into your brain.
Then reality suddenly resumes with its cold emotionless jolt! Peer pressure is powerfully enticing when you’re a teenager. Although it’s easy as an adult to refuse accompanying your friend to rob a liquor store; this choice is different when you’re young. The repercussions of abandonment or even violence from your friends can make this a simple decision. After all, nobody wants to be the scared kid. You always think that you won’t get caught. You always think that this time, will be the last time. Unfortunately, it never is. As you rot in despair, you realize that you are nothing more than the predictable consequences of your lifestyle.
In hindsight, the most pivotal difference between poverty and academia is the culture. Sometimes, it’s difficult to fully fathom the actual weight that culture has on a developing mind. The environment surrounding you controls the way you dress, speak, vote, eat, and think. In the Elysium of Reddit, I’m encapsulated with motivated people that strive to better themselves and the world. As a result, I devote every waking minute working on the enterprises that will increase my functionality on this planet. Before making my physical transition, I successfully thought my way out of poverty with the enlightening open dialogue of Reddit. Although redditors spoke of foreign ideas that I was unable to conceptualize, it kindled the embers that later engulfed the flames of my motivation.
As I think about my previous life, I wonder why I was never caught for my repeated acts of stupidity. Perhaps the overarching eyes of Zeus favorably sought the continuation of my life. Maybe I’ve been blessed by the gods to see to the end, the fruits of my potential. Probably not…
[Doesn’t deserve a second chance; got one - Success Kid]
I’ve recently discovered that my old group of friends got into more trouble than their usual misdemeanor offenses. Because it’s been years since I’ve disbanded them from my life, the news of their predicament was particularly shocking. Although I anticipated this outcome, I was surprised when the news story of their involvement as the local drug-lords aired on TV. Apparently, they graduated from petty crimes to controlling much of the drug trafficking that occurred in the neighborhood. The police announced that they owned several real-estate properties, an arsenal of weapons, over two-hundred thousand dollars in cash, and hundreds of kilograms of various drugs. I was in disbelief as the reporter revealed the operation’s hierarchy. The leader was a quiet guy I used to give advice to. During my transition period, I urged him to reconsider his path in life. At this time, he was still a minor and had yet made any real mistakes. It wasn’t too late for him to start over. Unfortunately, the allure of fast money was too enticing for a young mind to refuse. Although he is solely responsible for his actions, I’m saddened to learn of his fate. Before he became a monster, I knew him as a nice kid. Nevertheless, the judge sentenced him to 15 years in prison.
I visited his mother a week later to provide some measure of support. She’s a first-generation immigrant woman with a strong work ethic and high expectations for her family. When I arrived at the house, I thought she would be in emotional ruin to lose her youngest son. Strangely, she wasn’t.
“How are you Harvey?” asked Mrs. Gonzalez, as we sat under the dim light of the round kitchen table. I felt the electrical currents of pain and struggle flowing in the room.
“Good. Things have been good for me. I hope you’re holding up alright ma’am,” I said as I extended my hand to hers. When I first met her, she assumed that I was just another malice-filled youth. After spending much time in her house, she has slowly counseled me with her motivational stories. As an immigrant, she only wished for a better future for her family. I was inspired by her strength to persevere despite the desperation of her most traumatic experiences. During her fourth attempt to smuggle into the US, her false promising transporter repeatedly raped and savagely beat her for 3 days. Although he successfully smuggled her into the country, he forcefully snatched her last shreds of innocence. The product of that heartbreaking event was the birth of my friend. After so many years, she has perfected her display of surface stoicism. However, I know that deep down, the memories of that tragic event still consume her with great potency.
“I’ve accepted what’s happened,” she said as she sighed. She continued, “Tell you the truth, I wasn’t surprised. It was his stupid friends. They poisoned his mind. He changed, and I couldn’t stop it,” she said while slowly drinking from her cup of hot tea.
“I shouldn’t have left. I shouldn’t have given up on him. This is my fault. I could’ve helped him,” I responded. During my transition period, I felt a reconstructing force in my mind. After so many years of wrongdoing, my brain finally surpassed some immeasurable threshold of dissatisfaction and I decided to change. I attempted to transfer the wisdom of this newly discovered fluidity to him, but to no avail.
“Don’t ever think that,” she declared while suddenly pounding her fist against the kitchen table! “This is not your fault. You did good with your life,” she said as she stood up.
“But, ma’am…” At this point, I was speechless.
“But ma’am nothing! You were one of the few good influences in his life. You were always polite around here. You aren’t like him. Go live your life. You have a good life now. Doctor is best profession. Forget this place.”
“I can’t just forget. As horrible as this place may be, it’s responsible for who I am today.” As much as I was attempting to escape, I realized that I would always be a product of this neighborhood. Whether for good or evil, I was the result of its governance.
“I came to America with dreams too. I dreamed to send my kids to college. I worked two jobs I hated for 15 years, but now for what? You were the son I should have had. I’m broken inside right now, but I can still say this. You changed your life around. Your clothes, your talking, you’re different. You’re a man, a real man. I’m proud of you...” As I said my final goodbye to her, we hugged. On that night, I bid my farewell to her and the neighborhood. Since crossing the train tracks that geographically segregated that city from its prosperous neighbor, I haven’t returned. Nothing remains in this place for me now. There is nothing to go back to.
My Reddit conversations have since modified my perspective to understand the obligations of a humble person. Upon establishing a flourishing career, I must use my financial abilities and professional reputation to return to my community and uplift its looming circumstances through education, mentorship, and charity. As a surgeon, my duties will extend beyond the operating rooms of medicine. Because few share the privilege of studying medicine, I must use my opportunities to inspire the prospects of future generations. In other words, there is much to return to.
THE ENVIRONMENT AT HOME
A particular memory, albeit a common recurrence, is imprinted in my mind because it represents the volatility and instability of my childhood. It always began with the elevated voices of my parents in the kitchen and the shattering of a glass as my father hurled it against the wall. He was an alcoholic. I lived in fear as I anticipated these events every single day and was always extremely relieved when we survived the night without conflict. However, when it did occur, I distinctively recall sitting in the corner of my room, crying as the shouting escalated. A person that hasn’t experienced this type of emotional damage can never truly fathom the impact of watching your mother continually sustain patriarchal tyranny through verbal and physical abuse. As a result, my mother suffers from low self-esteem, poor health, and depression. Without the physical ability to seek outside perspective, the advice conveyed through Reddit saved my life. Without the calming words of online strangers, I wouldn’t have been able to withstand the enticing desires to watch him suffer as he struggled to cling to life.
My father once said, “a man will shed blood before he sheds tears.” Unfortunately, this was the type of patriarchal culture that I was raised in. Because of my father’s traditional belief of masculinity, stoic aggression was always expected of me. Often, he would whip us with his belt just to test our manliness. We were whipped until we stopped crying. Imagine the irony of that! As a child, I used to fear him. As an adult, I can clearly understand the reality of his cowardly behavior. Anyone can bully a physically weak woman and children. The true display of strength is the ability to consider your wife’s contrasting opinions and generate a rational response. Instead, he considered even the slightest opinion of opposition as a blasphemous insult. Anyone can allow the fires of anger to govern their actions. It takes true discipline to contain the rage and think clearly even during your most emotionally compromised moments. I’m proud to announce that I am a man of discipline and reason. I imagine my father as an anti-role model. As long as I strive to become the opposite, I will always be headed in the right direction.
Fortunately, the unbreakable brotherhood that I shared with my siblings was always strong enough to withstand even his worst binges. I often romanticized the thought of driving the kitchen knife into his throat while he was sleeping. Although seemingly extreme, the severity of this thought is quickly rationalized as you witness your mother getting repeatedly punched in the face. In my adult life, I sometimes wonder how a person can live such a terrible life. How can a person terrorize people with such a lack of regard for their well-being? How can a man treat his family in such a way? Ironically, the acquisition of my stoicism is simultaneously responsible for my normal life as an adult. In the academic world, my life is calm. The greatest challenge in this world is balancing a heavy course load with extracurricular activities. This is why I love learning. The effort invested in these academic challenges will drastically improve my life. Every piece of information downloaded through the USB wire of my brain measurably improves my understanding of the world.
THE GLORIOUS CHILDHOOD MEMORIES