This first part is just partial poems, so you could see part of each poem (without the punch lines, naturally) when you viewed a sample on Smashwords. If you search for the word “realbook” in the document, it will take you immediately to the beginning of the real book, where the complete poems start!
12.5 CENTS A LAUGH (23 Funny Poems)
By Jay Jana
©2010 JJANA
ELEMENTARY!
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went out camping one fine day.
Into the Blue Ridge Mountains, yea, they hiked a long, long way.
They set up camp, cooked some grub and gobbled down their fill
Then laid back for some shut-eye in the evening dark and still.
Now some time later Holmes awoke and opened up his eyes;
Saw stars in countless thousands stretched across the open skies.
He woke his “pard;” Said, “Take a look! Now what can you divine?”
Thinks Doc, “Don’t matter what I say; here comes that stupid line.”
“Element’ry, My dear Watson!
Element’ry, give it a shot son!
Element’ry I don’t know why you can’t see,
‘Cause it’s element’ry, my dear Watson! Element’ry!”
“He’ll say I’m wrong, I know he will, but anyway here goes…
THE PIRATE
Long ago there was a pirate from a rough motley band;
Had a peg leg; had an eye patch; had a hook for a hand.
Sure and one day some one asked him how he lost all his parts.
Well, he heaved a great sigh and then this story he starts.
“We attacked a Spanish galleon on a dark, moon less night.
I was climbing up a grapple to get into the fight.
Someone reached out from a porthole and he hacked off me leg.
But they patched me up right smart and they gave me this peg.”
“That’s how I lost it. I think they tossed it
Over the side and into the sea.
I didn’t mind it, but if you find it,
Do me a favor; just let it be.”
“Well, the next one was a merchant on a cold blust’ry day…
ANY LANDING YOU WALK AWAY FROM (IS A GOOD ONE)
Now the pilot, he was feelin’ mighty grumpy,
‘Cause the landing he just made was mighty bumpy!
He knew he’d have to face those passengers as they got off the plane!
And he’d cringe at each indignant glance; each comment of disdain!
But, for the most part the people left in silence;
Not a trace of hostility or violence.
So the pilot thought, “Well this time I’m one very lucky guy,
And I won’t have to fall back on the pilot’s stock reply.”
“Any landing you walk away from is a good one!
Be glad you’re standing after the landing when your flights done!
It don’t even matter if you leave a crater…
THE FLATULENT TIRE
There by the highway dejected I sat;
Starin' at a tire that was flatter than flat.
Back in my garage I could see my old jack
I used on my wife’s car and forgot to put back!
Then along come this codger in an old pick up truck;
He stops and he looks; says, “I think yer in luck.
My jack will most likely work; you can try ‘er
‘Cause I see that you got a flatulent tire!”
And I says, “What?” And he says…
GET OUT THE WAY
The captain, he was on the bridge one dark and stormy night,
When, way off through the raging storm, he saw a feeble light.
That light was on the very course on which he was intent.
And so he gave the signalman a message to be sent.
“You’re in my way! You have to move! Now veer off to the west!
Just five degrees I think will do, though ten degrees is best!
Now send it sailor! Send it fast, the whole and nothing less!
And just to make my meaning clear, you send this here P.S!”
“Get out the way; I’m coming through!
Get out the way, or I just might run over you!
Get out the way! Now don’t you get it!
Get out the way or you’ll regret it!
An answer soon came flashin’ back. It pierced the gloom and thick…
FISHING
I went fishing out on the ice on a balmy winter’s day.
The sun was warmin' me up real nice and the snowflakes kept away!
Only trouble was the fish wouldn’t bite! At least not for me, but over to my right
This kid was pullin’ up fish by the ton! So I asked him, “What’s your secret, son?”
And he mumbled,
“Hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm!”
That’s what I heard…
THE LOWEST FORM OF HUMOR IS THE PUN
The lowest form of humor is the pun!
But people they still tell em by the ton!
We shake our hears and moan;
We roll our eyes and groan!
But we can’t wait to hear another one;
The lowest form of humor is the pun!
Two silk worms they were boasting, as silkworms often do,
And each of them was saying, “I’m a faster worm than you!”
They raced! It was so close! A photo finish! Me oh my!
And wouldn’t you know it…
THIS IS THE PLACE (where Jesus walked on water)
(based on a joke by Mark Twain)
We were trekking through the holy lands, my brother Sam and me.
Our wand’rings brought us right up to that oh so famous sea.
Yea, we were by the very place where Jesus took his stroll.
And as we gazed upon it, well, I set myself a goal.
Says I to Sam, “We’re going out there right where Jesus was!
Of course, we’re gonna have to hire ourselves a boat because
We sure can walk on water! Mercy, I can barely swim!
But wouldn’t it be something else to be out there like him?”
This is the place where Jesus walked on water!
This is the place the waves he did defy!
This is the place where Jesus walked on water!
I’m going out there, too, or know the reason why!
We flagged the only boat in sight down and he landed on the beach…
MEAT LOAF AND CHOCOLATE CAKE
Ole and Lena were married. Two happy lovebirds were they!
But the first time they sat down for dinner to Ole these words sweet Lena did say.
"Ole, I got a confession and I need, ya, to clear up the air;
I afraid, when it comes down to cooking there's only to things that I can prepare.
Meat loaf and chocolate cake! That's all I know how to make!
But as sure as the stars shine in heaven above,
I know we can learn how to live just on love
And meat loaf and chocolate cake!
Well, Ole, he gazed right at Lena with a look of bewildered…
POCKETS
It was going to be the banquet of the year and all the "A list" people would be there.
So she’d bought a dress with slits way up to here and a neckline that was down to who know where?
But she’d also caught a sniffle; her nose wouldn’t stop. Where could she put a hanky or two?
Her clutch purse was useless; it was only a prop! “Now think!” she groaned. What am I gonna do?”
And she wandered ‘round the house and muttered,
“Pockets! Give me pockets!
It’s for pockets, for pockets that I plead!
Pockets! Give me pockets!
‘Yea, it’s just some pocket that I need!”
Well, she stuffed two hankies in the top of her dress moaning, “This is something I don’t wanna try.
Yea! for now they feel OK I guess but it won’t be long ‘til they will not be dry!” (eeew)
PINK FLAMINGOS
I'm lying here in keen anticipation; this special day has just begun to dawn!
I'm excited as a little kid at Christmas; today's the day I get to find out what is going on.
The days have gone so slowly by while waiting and wond’ring what it is you have in store.
But now my curiosity has got the best of me! I'm getting up! I can't wait any more!
Today is the day the day we were wed!
I’m all excited as I crawl out of bed!
You said you were planning a special surprise.
I open the blinds and what a sight meets my eyes…
SOMETHING COME DOWN
I called my buddy Friday; said, “I can’t come to town.
I know we’re on for poker but something just come down.”
“You mean that it come up.” That was my friends reply.
“Ya heard me right the first time,” I answered with a sigh.
I was gonna be there. Oh, yes I really was.
But I couldn’t make it and the reason is because something come down,
And it was …
HE LOOKS LIKE ME
Your brand new bouncing baby boy was born this very day!
We’d like to offer our congratulations, if we may.
You surely have a right to all the pride you now display!
But, still we have to chuckle each time we hear you say,
“My baby boy got a big, round tummy
And his smile is toothless, pink and gummy…
YOU HAVE CALLED ME BY MY NAME
To the IRS I'm one- oh- one- four- two- five- six- five- three.
And I'm M- one- sixteen- four- oh- nine- two at the DMV.
Ma Bell knows me as four- four- seven- twenty- twenty-two,
And the guy at the lot where I park my car, well, he thinks my name's "Hey You!"
But You have called me by my name!
To the folks who call round dinner time I'm just another sale…
CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN
Well, I read very slowly through the Bible,
Yea, I read it from the front right to the back.
Oh, I did it in the hopes that I’d be liable
To find me out an answer that I lack.
Will there be any choc’late up in heaven?
This is something I truly got to know!
‘Cause if there ain’t any choc’late up in heaven
I got to fill my pockets ‘fore I go!
Well, I read up in heaven they got…
THE FINAL DAY OF SCHOOL
It was the final day of school and, as might be expected,
The academic subjects, all, were purposely neglected!
The Colonists and Romans too from Hist'ry had departed.
The voyages of Columbus were no longer being…
I’M GONNA STAY
Based on a story from Mark Twain’s “Life on the Mississippi.”
Way down in Memphis Tennessee, beneath a gravestone, peacefully,
There lies a steamboat pilot, brave and strong,
Who gave his life to save his crew and the passengers, he saved them too.
His story is the reason for this song.
It was a day like most, we know, when suddenly, way down below
A fire broke out and then began to spread.
So quickly did it rend and rip that a cry went out, "Abandon ship!"
But the pilot hollered, “Stop!” and then he said…
WHEN YOU SAY TUT
If you buy our product, you’ll have lots of friends!
If you buy our product, the fun never ends!
If you buy our product, great things you’ll achieve!
That’s what the commercials would have us believe!
But how ‘bout an ad that’s a little more true;
That doesn’t inflate what the product can do;
That makes all its shortcomings perfectly clear,
Like this ad for a second rate beer?
When you say Tut, you said a lot of things that no one shoulda said!
When you say Tut; it is a recipe for beer now rediscovered!
This recipe was found in King Tut’s mummy crate.
They should have left it there ‘cause it just ain’t that great!
When you say Tut Kammen, you said too much!
When you say Tut, you said a lot of things that no one shoulda said!
When you say Tut, This is a beer was made by brewers so…
EQUAL
Big Jim was the meanest, toughest hombre ever had a 45 revolver strapped down to his thigh,
So everyone was speechless when old Tom, he said, “You stole my herd; I have ‘em back or know the reason why!”
But Big Jim said, "I swear it wasn't me, I didn't do it. Didn't even take one lousy steer or calf!
But you can have ‘em back again; You only have to fight me for em!” And he gave a nasty laugh!
Jim, then, pushed aside his dirty over coat uncovering the gleaming 45 he always wore.
Old Tom, he snorts and looks at Jim; he says…
AND AS THEY DIED SO DID THEY FALL
(It’s not what it seems, really! Read it all the way to the end to find out!)
I see them there.
Some lie in rows, but most are scattered ‘round in disarray.
I see them there.
What force on earth could all so swiftly steal their lives away!
For they are dead!
For they are dead and as they died, so did they fall!
It cut them down,
That gray and mournful wind like none I’d…
THE SEND OFF
Now, I been playin’ the bag-pipes since I was just a lad.
For weddings, wakes and big parades, all dressed in Scottish plaid.
So when they asked if I would pipe at the grave of a homeless man,
I said, “Yes! I will and I’m proud to play!
Yes! I will and I’m proud to play!
I’ll send him packin’ heavens way the very best I can!”
But oh, alas, the grave was in…
GONNA SEE SOME FOOTBALL HERE TODAY!
Warm the TV set up! Find your lucky get up!
Pull up the recliner where the view is finer!
Grab yourself a cold one! Time to have some real fun!
We’re gonna see some football here today!
Our defense is smarter and they…
THE NORSEMEN AND THE ELEPHANT
(after “The Blind Men and the Elephant” by John Godfrey Saxe [1816-1887])
Five men of Scandinavia, who weren’t too very quick,
Went off to see an elephant; an interesting trick!
‘Cause each and ev’ry one of them was blinder than a brick!
They called for Ole’s taxi cab; it was a rusty Ford
And, being very masculine, directions they ignored!
The missed the zoo and ended up at Lena’s Smorgasbord!
The first went to a steaming pot and said…
LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER
(based on a character from John Sandford’s book, “Naked Prey.”)
Don’t never talk to strangers! Don’t play out in the street!
Don’t be so wild and noisy! And don’t forget to wipe your feet!
You got to listen to your mother! You got to do just what I say!
You got to listen to your mother! ‘Cause if you don’t I’ll make you pay!
You ain’t no good for nothin’! You’re dumber than a…
*****************************************
THE REALBOOK WITH COMPLETE POEMS STARTS HERE!
12.5 CENTS A LAUGH (24 Funny Poems)
By Jay Jana
©2010 JJANA
ELEMENTARY!
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went out camping one fine day.
Into the Blue Ridge Mountains, yea, they hiked a long, long way.