Copyright Bhaskar Khem Dandona.
2011 All rights of the author reserved.
XVX ONE: GOD IS A DJ
BHASKAR KHEM DANDONA
I
AN INTRODUCTION
FROM THE R.E.
TEACHER.
Hello, I want to explain what the rest of this book is about.
If none of the rest of this makes any sense to you at least this bit will be of benefit.
This book proves that we are all linked. It proves that the boy or girl sitting next to you only appears to be separate from you.
So what? Well if we are all part of one big thing it won’t do to be starving some of us, beating others up, making others out to be stupid and so on.
We’ve got to work together on this.
AN INTRODUCTION
FROM OFF HIS HEAD
There’s your motivation art students.
A big piece of advice students, don’t do what I am about to do and that is have a big spliff because then I will no way be able to talk about what I need to. Right now the ideas are hanging out there saying take me, take me but nooo I’m
going to have a spliff first and then regret the decision, see you in a mo.
Ha ha, let’s try this then. We’ll start with feelings. All of you have feelings. You could put the word in a category marked, “Things all of us have,” and where do you have those feelings?
When you are bored you are bored in your head, you don’t feel it in your arm. You feel it in your imagination. We all have imagination in which we feel.
The normal thing to think is that we each see things differently.
After all the talking and thinking and experiences I come to realise this story is mine.
It’s a sad point to come to.
I wanted it to be about us.
I know we are too far apart for that to happen.
I am left with one thing, me and I will draw no restrictions on my self.
JUDAS ISCARIOT
Off His Head
Birmingham
5/12/97
To: The XVX’ers
Thought
Dionysius
Off His Head
Lakshmi
Jesus H. Christ
Mother Nature
Demeter
Re: The State of Play.
Dear Sirs,
May I start this letter by saying what an impressive list of names the above is. It’s only a shame that no one knows who we are. It might be best if I indicate early on that this letter is probably going to irritate and annoy some of you but you are probably used to that by now.
All I am seeking to do is throw some light on a situation that has been going on for some time. The reason for this being that I feel my private fantasies may have journeyed too far into the land of schizophrenia. As a twenty five year old man with responsibilities I feel I must do something to rectify this situation with a view to re-prioritising the time I have dedicated to certain areas of my life.
Call this attention seeking if you will. Call it immaturity’s end. Mr Off His Head waking up to the real world at last. “Stupid arse, we have all been trying to get you to wise up for some time.” you might even say. Well, in my meagre defence may I blame my incredibly supportive upbringing for some of this. The rest of the blame will have to rest squarely on my deficient mental condition and my refusal to grow up. Sorry.
So the point is…
a) Writing this letter is a lot more fun than doing my ace secretary/receptionist job at Link
Recruitment Services in Birmingham.
b) I would like a bit of open discussion to find out what everybody feels about themselves and
each other. Not just the affirmation of what good mates we are but a deeper exploration of some of the things we may have held inside for a number of years. I have always believed a modicum of non-verbal communication goes on between us about these, “Secrets,” as Demeter so aptly calls them but now because of certain incidents I don’t feel wholly comfortable in relying on this mode of communication, advanced as it may be.
c) We should then know clearly where we all stand and can go about our lives in a more informed passion.
I think I should go back to Stirling 1991 when two little innocent boys met each other. I feel very self-indulgent doing all this but it has very measurable therapeutic value to my self so I would like to persist.
I think this is where it started to go wrong, possibly through excessive amounts of drugs and developing a healthy addiction to hashish.
Mr Lakshmi and I seemed to have a profound effect on the audiences we were playing to once our respective teeth had been cut. I might even go as far as saying we played a few sets on the cutting edge of progressive house. Nice girly
vocals mixed with banging type breaks – always uplifting. We weren’t just good, we were shit hot and inspirational. I think all who were present would agree. Exhibit A.
Exhibit B. Rather than have it spelt out to them how good they were the two boys had to rely on their own confidence in themselves. Remember the boys are in the DJ box, they are not on the dance floor. They are busy creating while the crowd is feeling. Yes we had some very good feedback but not one person sat down and spelt out just how good we were.
On top of this some older members of the University took it upon themselves to, “Keep your ego in check.” Rather than actually saying,
“Hey boys, you did good.”
Right or wrong this has an effect on the person at which ego checking is directed. It adds to internal insecurities that the person may hold. Insecurities that are already amplified by the fact that the person is wishing to break in to a career field that is notoriously difficult to enter. The question to self,
“Am I any good?”
is not answered by those around. Remember the boys are in the DJ box.
We struggled through nevertheless and I must say I thoroughly enjoyed my fourth year antics when those older members had left and there were no bruised egos in the way. The buzzes we got in, “Wet Without a Lakshmi,” were stunning toward the end of that year and I believe a few of you could confirm that through your presence at the final one.
Tiddlywinks.
I must thank Dionysius for his incredible support both mentally and financially during this year. It was a great opportunity to learn and meet some of the world’s leading DJ’s. Again there were some incredible buzzes even if it was a little quiet but here ladies and gentlemen is where it starts to get a bit complicated.
Mr Off His Head feeling a responsibility toward creating a solid atmosphere for crowds to enjoy had to begin searching very deep inside of himself to create this atmosphere. This is because there were only thirty people on the
dance floor. That is a mental strain that I know Mr Lakshmi has had to endure in Northern Ireland too, but it did not matter because we had the rest of the seven characters around us and I know that I am not wrong in saying that by now there was a myth flying round between us that we were a very powerful little group in the spiritual sense. Each with a unique capacity that eclipsed all others on the planet now, before and in the future.
Now this could be where my mental illness begins to creep in and if so I would be most glad if people can openly respond to this letter and correct the misapprehensions I have been labouring under. Do any of you others feel that way about yourselves? I know I relied on that belief to create atmospheres and so things have become a little twisted in my head. How can what I am thinking be wrong if I have near physical demonstration of it in front of me week in and week out? Can you see that? So my first real desire here is for everybody to share with me what is going on in their pretty little heads. More reasons for this to be done follow.
As far as Thought is concerned a simple,
“You know the score,”
will do mate. As we have often shared our thoughts on these matters I feel I know your mind well. If I’m wrong please inform me. Speaking of Thought this comes to seem a childish enterprise, this letter. You all know he
is a father of many demanding children now and must have an awful lot to cope with. So all this gobbledegook is not what he has time to be bothered about or deal with but I really feel Thought knows what is at the back of all this.
Does anyone else feel we are here to achieve something specific, that we have a life mission, a destiny even?
Lakshmi is Lakshmi. He’s worked really flipping hard to become an accountant and I’m very proud of him. In many respects he has to take a back seat in the chasing of this heavenly goal. We two are one, or so I thought. Where I am mad he is sane. Where I am blind he is not. While one is searching for an answer the other stands guard. Is that fair to say Lakshmi? If that is the case then you like Thought have done all you need to.
Dionysius, mate. Again, thank you for Tiddlywinks and Viva. They were some of the best moments of my life and I know how much you had to sacrifice to make them happen. I do feel I tried to put some of that back on to the dance floor at Viva. Using your character to bring the crowd up but one thing mate, and this is a bit of a delayed response because recently it has chilled out, stop making me feel like I am an immature twat.
I admit to being full of the joy of WONDER. That wonder is totally central to any atmosphere I have ever created. If I destroy that I destroy me.
I am sorry if this is out of place for me to say but one surrounds oneself with wise friends so that one can share in their wisdom. Not have extra pressure from an intellectual giant placed on them from close brotherly range. Yes I am a fool but there are some good sides to me too. Demeter, who both of us trust, keeps reassuring me that if I were to change and become the mature controlled individual I sometimes feel everyone wants me to be then I will have
lost who I am. That is not good. I am getting it all out in this letter so there are other things in the past to clear up.
Mother Nature.
One of the best friends I have ever had. I cannot even measure how much you have done for me from keeping food in my belly to a roof over my head. I will always be in your debt but I know that. Do you know what it was like to start chasing the book and have you stop bothering about it? It made me feel alone in this quest to somehow present to the world what we seven are about. The sole carrier of the physical burden to translate this feeling into words that make sense.
That is where my pain comes from. I feel I really am the only one out of all of us trying to make something to share with the world. I know we all have commitments but so do I. I come home from work and I start again. Writing, thinking, trying to find an answer to questions the whole of humanity has not been able to solve so far. Not easy and definitely a strain on my mental capacities.
I better finish this off because it’ll go on forever if I don’t. Just one thing left.
Jesus H. Christ.
I know and he knows who I thought he was. He has let me think this for a number of years. Recently I went to him and said I know what I want to do. The actual way I want to make us go public. He said,
“I am sorry this has taken this long,”
in reference to us all being old farty people now but that’s cool. I’ve learnt shitloads on the way and I don’t regret having to have waited this long. He said he was committed and wanted to be involved. I pushed the boat out and asked him to display the talents I thought he had hidden under that pearly Irish skin of his. This upset Jesus and he said basically I was mentally ill. Cheers mate. A bit of fucking sensitivity once in a while goes a long way.
You all know fine well that out of the lot of us I have the least internal vision. I really think that sometimes you should make an allowance for the struggle I have to go through. It can be a huge pain in the arse being surrounded by super-beings when you have nothing but blind faith and hope to go on. I have had to do all this research and writing to maintain some kind of credible stance next to you lot. So Jesus, when you have let me believe certain things about you for a number of years I think it is way out of order to be such a cunt when I take a step of courage
and discuss it in the open.
The end result.
I finished the book. It needs a couple of changes but they are surface alterations only. That’s it though, I ain’t doing anymore. Fuck saving the world because I am not doing it on my own. The book stays on my computer and I’m off to join the real world because all you get for taking a risk and wanting to do some genuine good is to be laughed at for being an arsehole.
Who’s hurt by this? Not you lot who are set up in your lives but the people who really give a shit and want us to succeed more than they want their own lives. See y’all later. I would hope some open discussion ensues. Though I am prepared for you to just say fuck off Off His Head and sort your head out.
There’s nothing to actually sort out. All I need to do is stop being bothered about making a difference.
Yours faithfully,
Off His Head.
Title withheld because it’s not true and he’s actually a schizo.
XVX
II
XVXII BEAUTIFUL SYSTEM
INTRO FOR THE INTERESTED READER
The beautiful system is the mind of God.
ACT I
THE AGE OF
PROTECTION.
(SEVEN DAYS IN HEAVEN)
CHAPTER I
ABSOLUTE FAITH,
MYSTERY AND GOD.
SATURDAY NIGHT’S FOR
FIGHTIN’.
Do you want a fight? I am afraid I cannot give you a fight because I am too stoned. Sorry.
Its late, I am here with a long way to go. Oooops. Don’t think I’ll get much done right now as it is 3am in the morning. We do need to get some monologues going though otherwise this book will look like a play and plays are for poofs.
GOODNIGHT
SWEETHEART.
It’s not nice when you realise that you have done things that other people find offensive or immature or stupid. You think,
“Oh no what have I become?”
The question is do you improve yourself? Bodily cleanliness is a must so we’ll go with that. Nobody’s trying to interfere with younger days when we slobbed about every now and then. We’re drifting.
The point here is that it depends on what’s inside you, what you are trying to give, who you are, what you are capable of, what you make happen.
I am not at my full potential. What am I going to do about it?
Absolutely Nothing.
I owe them more than that though. I am easily distracted. I drift instead of tending to the job in hand. I am arrogant.
I am losing it now. Just sitting here looking at it. I think I am a bit bored of the commitment. It is a mental commitment I make. Now I’m so deep in it I don’t think turning around would be easy.
It would be a total collapse of who I am, who I thought I was. Is that what nervous breakdown feels like?
EXPLANATIONS.
JUDAS ISCARIOT
I keep stopping and starting instead of flowing. It’s slowing me down. I want to finish this, I so do. I keep having the thought that the trick of the modern world is to make us forget how fucked up it is.
DJ T.A.B.
emotion, emotion, emotion, emotion, emotion, emotion, emotion, emotion, emotion, emotion, emotion, emotion, emotion, emotion, emotion, emotion, emotion, emotion, emotion, emotion, emotion, emotion, emotion, emotion, emotion, emotion, emotion, emotion, emotion, emotion
ARTEMIS
self love, self love, self love, self love, self love, self love, self love, self love, self love, self love, self love, self love, self love, self love, self love, self love, self love, self love, self love, self love, self love, self love, self love, self love, self love, self love, self love, self love, self love, self love,
ARTEMIS
AWESOME POWER.
Confidence is what I am lacking now. Confidence in what this book is the beginning and end of. It’s an all or nothing situation really. The amount of thought I have put into it makes it that way.
DJ T.A.B.
ACT II
THE AGE OF
CREATION.
CHAPTER II
MY HOUSE
IS YOUR HOUSE
AND YOUR HOUSE
IS MINE.
ACT III
THE AGE OF