Allesandra's Bequest
By R. M. Fraser
Copyright 2012 R. M. Fraser
Smashwords Edition
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One Way Out, Always - Part One
Flashpoint (Upcoming Horizon) - Part One
Final Plea (Don't Walk Away From Me)
One Way Out, Always - Part Two
One Way Out, Always
(Part One)
The life that goes by
Through
the future that has passed
Cannot hold a candle
To the spirit
that's aghast
Its soul worn thin
But held firmly together
By
the strength of its
Love, devotion, and emotion
She comes to in a panic, sitting upright, her arms holding her body up in her bed. These nightmares have been disturbing her sleep for years. Her breathing begins to slow in pace and the fog in her mind clears. Realizing it was another one of her bad dreams, she looks around the room, and something is not right.
“It's the door”, she tells herself. “It's in the wrong place.”
As she gets up to walk towards the door, she makes a mental note in the recesses of her brain that her bed is far too small. Later on she will remember this. What attracts her focus is the dress she is wearing. Enough light spills in from the slightly open doorway to help her see that this dress is familiar, but not what she wore to bed. She remembers going to sleep in flannel pajama pants, but this is a dress. It’s the dress she wore as a child and incredibly short on her, for that matter. She hasn't seen this dress since her father called her 'Less. It was his nickname for her, and the thought of his voice uttering it again repulses her, making her shiver in spite of the sweat on her body. It has been twelve years and now she can't shake the feeling that this is, in fact, twelve years ago and not the present.
The open door beckons her forward and she slips into the hallway, revealing her childhood home. The stairwell is directly in front of her and she makes out the faint light from the living room downstairs. Inside, little 'Less pleads with her to not go down, but grown up Allesandra doesn't understand the voices coming from the living room and must figure them out. 'Less knows what's to come and she curls up in the fetal position inside her older self. Allesandra takes her first step down.
As she approaches the landing, the voices become clearer, and her growing fear becomes affirmed. She steps on the landing, turning the corner to see her mother. Allesandra's heart and stomach sink deep within herself as her mother shrieks in terror. A fist from her father comes into view, finding its mark on her mother's cheek, and knocking her back. He moves into her and one more fist follows another into her mother's face.
Allesandra doesn't notice the tears streaming down her own face as she begins to whimper. Her fear rises up from her belly as her inner child instinctively covers her ears for protection. She tries to suppress her small sobs, her inner child's emotions have taken over and she is afraid he will hear her cries and turn his attention. Her mother is now screaming through the thudding fists in her face and tries to strike back. She catches him on the cheek, and he momentarily stops to feel his face. He realizes it's merely a scratch, and a sickening grin spreads on his lips. He slams a fist so hard into her face that she crumbles to the floor without a sound. He stands over her, seething, but no longer assailing her.
Unable to watch anymore without reaction, her inner child finally breaks, forcing her to scream. The utterance is long, painful, primal, and everything else around her blacks out.
And the likeness of the
light
Beaming upon in the darkness of night
Always there, but
not always seen
Is the only way out of this suicidal dream
She opens her eyes, drained from what she has just witnessed and the futile effort put forth to remain calm in the face of it. The voices are gone, and the images begin to fade from her mind, yet the blackness still remains. There is no light anywhere. Waving her hand in front of her face, she is unable to see it, sparking a new fear that grips her body.
Quickly it turns to anxiety as thoughts begin to dizzy her. Her heart starts to pound in her chest and her sense of balance fails her. She falls to the floor and sobs uncontrollably. The memories of her father's beatings replay in her mind again and again, as if on a loop. The only assurance she has is of the floor below her. It's her only bearing in this brutal storm of emotion. She lies down on her side, curls up like a baby and allows herself to continue wailing, nearly choking on her own cries. Behind her, the door lies ever so slightly open and a pale light glows underneath. She doesn’t see it as she cries herself to sleep.
Track One
Izz walks out of the bar, spent from the performance that he and his band mates put on not long ago. He's happy with the results and what he earned after splitting the cash raised from the door cover. All the equipment was loaded into his drummer's truck and they all left. He is the last to leave. It's how it usually ends up, which is perfectly fine with him. The only thing he brings home with him is his guitar and his cut. He unlocks the doors, puts his guitar in the back seat, and gets in the front seat, ready to go home to her.
He turns the ignition and starts to back the car up. He loves to listen to jazz on the way home from a show. It's quiet, and generally mellow, which serves as the counter to the loud set they play for the crowds. It's a ritual to have his favorite Miles Davis CD cued up in his stereo and ready to play. Instead, he hears her voice come over the car's sound system.
My Dearest Izz,
You know how much I love you
I
just want you to hear it again
For everything you've done for
me
Has made me the best I've ever been
I regret to admit to you now
That
despite all this, it's not enough
To keep me here and to live life
with you
I've tried to be strong, but I'm not that tough
You've given me something that I
thought I'd never have, Izz
Happiness, at least for a while
But
seeing my sister's body, the bruises he left her
It's brought back
everything vile
I never knew I had blocked out so
much
The names, the rapes, the beatings
I cut myself again,
though it hasn't eased the pain
It's not fair you see this
repeating
So this is it, Izz, my final
good-bye
Realize you're better off without me
Please understand
that I've always loved you
But I'm far too much weight to carry
Good-bye
He tries to reason with himself that she means to divorce him and leave, but his instinct tells him better. He chides himself for not seeing it and slams on the gas, screeching his tires as he pulls onto the street. His anxiety builds up inside him with every passing second. He is aware that he may be already too late, still he pushes it away, unable to afford such thoughts. His mind is solely focused on getting home before she goes through with it. He has to stop her.
His speed increases down the street as he misses the first red light and purposely runs through the next. All he thinks of is her and what she has implied she will do. The finality in her voice warns him she will follow through if he doesn’t get there to stop her first. "Get there, get there", is the only thought in his mind.
The cars ahead of him begin to pull over and he hits the accelerator harder. It is now that he hears the sirens and sees the flashing blue lights in his mirrors. The police are chasing him. He mutters “Fuck”, telling himself he’ll deal with it after he gets home. He presses further on the accelerator.
About two miles later he slams on the brakes and pulls over out in front of his house. He rips the keys out of the ignition and opens the door, circling the front of his car to cross the yard as the policeman exits his cruiser. The officer yells for him to stop as he draws his pistol from its holster. A gunshot fires from the second floor of the house. The officer flinches behind his car, but Izz screams in terror as he continues up the porch to the unlocked door and tumbles inside.
Izz runs up the stairs as another cruiser pulls up to the scene. He sees the bathroom light on and turns down the hallway. If not for grabbing the doorway molding, he would have overrun it. She is not there. Frantic, he looks back down the hallway towards the bedroom and sees the light on under the door. He sprints down the hall and lowers his shoulder into the door to find nothing but muted pain shooting down his arm. He straightens upright as he turns the handle, opening the door. She lays face down, the red pool growing bigger on the floor.
"Allesandra, no!" he screams as he falls to his knees beside her, wailing her name in agony. He doesn't hear the footsteps of the three policemen coming up the stairs, nor does he notice their surprise to the scene that lay in front of them. He is now perfectly still beside her, though his tears flow freely. Cautiously, the first officer approaches Izz to pull him away from her body and out of the bedroom.
Flashpoint
(Upcoming Horizon -
Part One)
The door slams in his face, followed by its thunderous echoes throughout the hall. All of his clothes lay on the floor around him. He knows that any attempt at salvaging their relationship is worthless. Andrea is obviously done and will have nothing to do with it any further. He sighs heavily and kneels down to pick up his clothes, stuffing them under his arm. It takes him several trips up and down the three flights of stairs from her door to his car and his frustration builds with every shirt, box, and red Chinese dragon statue he carries down. After getting everything packed into the trunk and back seat of his Civic, he angrily heads out for a drink at a local bar.
It takes him several months to get over this break up. He was so sure that she was the one, but he's now come to terms with the signals he chose to ignore. It just wasn't there and finally being able to admit was like lifting an immense weight off of his shoulders. He spends the next two years having several non-committal relationships, which is to say he's had nothing but one night stands on a regular basis. It was great at first. There was no pressure to get involved and he didn't have to think about anything. He had decided he needed a break from the serious and this cycle of behavior served its purpose over the first sixteen months or so.
Unfortunately for Izz, the final seven or eight months gradually depressed him. He no longer wanted the superficial, but was having trouble breaking his newly formed habits in dating. Everything ended up as a one night stand whether he wished it or not and it was mostly that he wanted the company of the women he slept with for more than just a night. The women, however, only got the impression that commitment was not on the table, and they never came back as a result. His growing sullenness hasn't been helping either. It's been one silent rejection after another, creating a small seed of doubt manifesting upon itself until now, where he is afraid to engage a woman. He feels all but ready to give up and be a hermit indefinitely - that is, until he sees her.
I've been on this road for some
time
Tryin' to find my way back home
But you left me in this
cursed land
Can't find a path to call my own
For several weeks I've been on
this road
No attractions or upcoming shows
Sky is all around,
but nothing takes these blues
Just wish I knew where I could go
Someone's on the horizon
The
image is too vague
My life's there in the horizon
When the
smoke clears I'll catch her
Driving in his car, he spots her walking down the street. The way she walks gets his attention and his eyes lock onto her, refusing to look away. He slows down the car as he witnesses this beauty getting into hers. He slows down more to let her out in front of him. He makes an impulsive decision to do something he has never even considered before and follows her car to her next destination. It's only a few blocks before she pulls the car into a space in front of a coffee shop. He pulls into a nearby spot, watching her get out of the car and walk into the small café. When she's out of site he starts to chide himself for being so creepy. It was as if he couldn’t help himself and it alarmed him considerably that he lost self control. Trying to shrug it off, he backs the car out and heads for home.
Hey Andrea
Later that night Izz finds himself awake in his bed. His mind races with images of her and he struggles to understand why he let himself follow her like a creepy stalker. The notion this was the pinnacle of infatuation was a fact he accepted. He'd been infatuated with other women before, but to go ahead and act on an impulse like that scared him. Not only did it unnerve him to lose self-control, but his logical side also told him there was “something more” to this woman. Given his track record over the last couple of years, not pursuing this would surely be another missed opportunity and that “something more” could be greatness.
He tells himself that he will do whatever he can to seek this woman out. He has to meet her, though he is unsure of how. He lies awake a few more moments pondering this, trying to figure out just what to do and how to go about it. Before anything solidifies in his mind, his thoughts trail off in a tangent and he drifts into slumber. Now thinking back to Andrea, his first love, and how they met completely and totally by accident.
Hey Andrea
Where did you
go?
I've been lookin' for ya
On the ships below
And when I
think I have you
You slip out in the snow
One lesson twice
relearned
From long ago
But I
Never saw my mistake
Couldn't
quite see why
Misery came in your place
From the tears I
cried
I thought I knew you
But you were ever so sly
Thought
I had you on the ground
But you -- took off in flight
Hey Andrea
Wipe the stains from
your face
'Cause you can’t burn your past
In the
fireplace
Please give it one more chance
Won't know 'til you
try
Just one jump from the nest
I know you can fly
So
Let's
see all the places
You've wanted to go
We can go into the
city
Catch the midnight show
We can make castles in the
sand
Forts in the snow
Build our lives together
On the ships
below