Heartbreak
Book Five in the Parkside Community Church Stories
By Katie Crabapple
Copyright 2011 by Katie Crabapple
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This is the fifth and final story in the Parkside Community Church Series. Book one is available for free. Amy has only had one desire in her life. She wanted to be a mom. After eight years of marriage, she’s still childless. When her doctor informs her the only way she’ll ever have a child is to do in vitro fertilization, she must deal with the knowledge that she may never have a child of her own.
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Amy sat patiently in front of the doctor’s desk and waited for him to join her. He’d asked her to come in for this meeting with him, and she was nervous. Her pregnancy test had been two days ago, so maybe their efforts had finally worked. She’d been on fertility medication for almost two years with no positive results. Was it even possible?
The doctor, a dark-haired man of medium height, walked into the room and sat across from her. He got straight to the point. “Your last test was negative.”
She sighed and looked down at her hands. “Please God, don’t let me start crying,” she prayed silently. “Okay, so we do another round of Clomid? Do I need to do injections this month?”
He shook his head sadly. “The medication isn’t working. Now, I know you said you didn’t want to do in vitro fertilization, but it’s time. There’s nothing more that can be done.”
Amy and Tom had talked about IVF when they first realized they weren’t able to get pregnant on their own. They had come to the conclusion, together, that IVF wasn’t an option for them. Now Amy wondered if she’d been too hasty in agreeing.
When they’d initially talked about it, they’d both agreed that medication to help stimulate the growth of eggs in her body was okay, actively removing the eggs and putting them with the sperm then replacing them in her body was something else entirely. There were even ways to choose the sex of the child when you did that, and neither of them was willing to play God.
At least, they weren’t in the past. Now she thought maybe it wasn’t playing God after all. It was just using the medical technology that God had given them. That wasn’t wrong was it? Or was she just trying to come up with reasons that it was okay to do what she wanted to do?
“Are you sure there’s nothing else?” she asked softly, trying to hold back the tears.
“I’m sorry, but it’s your only option.” He gave her a kind look. He’d told her when she first started seeing him that he and his wife had two children by IVF. He certainly understood the struggle they were going through with infertility, but he wasn’t a Christian. “You need to go off the meds for a couple of months regardless. They’ve been in your system too long.”
She nodded. “I’ll talk to Tom, but I really don’t think he’s going to agree to IVF.”
“I understand. Call us when you’ve made a decision together. If you decide to proceed with the IVF, we can start the cycle in September. That will give your body enough time off the medicine. Once the cycle starts, it’s a two month process.”
She’d done a lot of reading on IVF, knowing this day could come. “Thank you. I’ll be in touch.” She stood and headed for the door, walking almost blindly. Surely she could convince Tom that God had created this form of medicine so that people like them could have children. He’d listen. Wouldn’t he?
She got in the car and glanced at the clock on her dashboard. She had just enough time to navigate the Fort Worth traffic and get back to Arlington. Her closest childhood friend, Anna, was getting married in less than two weeks, and tonight was the fitting for her bridesmaid gown. She needed to sit down and talk to Anna, but there would be too many other people around tonight. She’d just have to smile and act like everything was okay.
When she got to Anna’s house, she brushed the tears from her eyes. Pulling down her sun visor, she peeked in the mirror and cringed. Her eyes were rimmed with red. It was obvious she’d been crying. She took a deep breath and went to the door. She couldn’t hide how she was feeling, and she wouldn’t be late.
She rang the doorbell and waited. Lee opened the door, and after one quick look at her face, pulled her into her arms and hugged her tightly. Lee had been someone she’d gone to over and over during the past two years. She’d gone through infertility before and after Anna was born. She was the one person who understood completely. She buried her face in Lee King’s shoulder for a moment and pulled away. “I’m sorry.”
Lee shook her head. “There’s no reason to be sorry. I understand completely. Did you see the doctor today?”
Amy nodded. “Yeah. The only thing left to do is IVF and Tom and I decided that we wouldn’t go there years ago. I’m going to talk to him tonight, but I doubt he’s going to agree.” Fresh tears sprang to her eyes as she said the words.
“I’m so sorry. Whatever you two decide will be the right thing for you. There’s just no one way that everyone looks at IVF. It’s a matter of personal conscience.”
“I know.” She shrugged. “We’ll figure it out together. We can’t keep the others waiting.” If Lee understood it was a matter of conscience, maybe Tom could be convinced. Lee was one of the strongest Christians Amy knew.
Lee led Amy through the house to the dining room. Anna was sitting at the dining room table in front of a sewing machine. Kennedy, whom she had only met a couple of times, was snacking on some cheese and crackers with a glass of lemonade in front of her. Next to her was Mary Anderson. Amy had heard some things about Mary, but with as close as Mary was to Anna, she didn’t think they could be true.
Anna took one look at Amy’s face. “Did you see the doctor today?” she asked kindly.
Amy bit her lip absolutely refusing to cry in front of women she barely knew. She nodded.
Anna whispered, “We’ll talk later.” She handed Amy the dress she’d just removed from the sewing machine. “All finished. Mom?”
Lee led the women to her room to try on the dresses. She and Anna had been working on them together. She closed the door behind the women and walked down the hall before turning to Anna. “The doctor said the only thing left was IVF. Tom won’t agree to that.”
Nothing further needed to be said. Anna hurt for her friend. Since they were small children, the only thing Amy had ever wanted was to be a mom. She’d been the little girl who played with dolls and refused to join in the outdoor games. She’d married young, straight out of high school. She’d wanted babies right off, but they’d just never come.
They’d had such high hopes when Amy had started seeing the fertility specialist a couple of years ago. The only result had been for Amy to get moodier and moodier. They both knew she’d been on the medication for too long, but hated that Amy was now faced with no real hope for a family.
The door opened and they checked the fit of the dresses. After they’d changed back to their regular clothes, they all congregated at the table and munched on the crackers and cheese. Amy listened to the buzz of conversation around her as she tried to figure out how to talk to Tom about IVF.
The other two women left relatively quickly, and Amy turned to Anna. “Did your mom tell you?”
Anna nodded, grasping Amy’s hand. “I’m so sorry. Do you think you’ll adopt?”
Amy sighed. “I’ve always wanted to adopt, but I wanted at least one or two of my own first. I want the whole experience of feeling the baby kick inside me and breastfeeding. I feel like I’m being cheated, and I just don’t know why. What have I done that was bad enough to deserve this?”
Anna shook her head. “You know it’s nothing you’ve done. God just has other plans for you.” Anna said a silent prayer the plans would be revealed soon. Her friend had suffered so much.
“Then why did he give me this overwhelming desire to have a baby? Do you have any idea how long it takes to adopt? It’s crazy!” Yes, she was still young now, but she didn’t want to be the sixty year old mom picking her daughter up after school.
Anna sighed. She knew her friend was hurting, but she really didn’t have a solution to offer her. “I wish I knew what to say.”
Amy sighed. “No one knows what to say. No one knows what to do. I should just adopt and be grateful for my health. I know that! It’s just driving me crazy. Every time I see a teenager who’s pregnant, I want to hit her. I want to tell her she’s not old enough and demand that she give me her baby!”
Anna agreed silently. She didn’t think it was fair either. Amy would make a fabulous mother. Why did she have to go through this? “I hope your talk with Tom goes well.”
“I really want him to agree to the IVF. I know we said we wouldn’t do it when we first started seeing the fertility specialist, but I thought I had hope back then.”
“I know. You’re just going to have to talk to him.”
Amy looked at the clock on the wall above Anna’s head. “I need to get home. He’s probably sitting there wondering about my appointment. I usually call as soon as I leave the doctor’s office, but I just couldn’t make myself do it today.” She pulled her phone out of her pocket. She’d silenced the ringer before going into the Kings’ house. “I’ve missed three calls from him. I’ve got to go.”
She stood and wandered toward the door. Anna followed hugging her tightly. “I’m here if you need to talk.”
Amy laughed. “You have enough going on. I don’t know if I’ve told you yet, but I’m really happy for you.”
“Thank you. That means a lot to me.”
Amy suddenly realized that she’d been a wet mop on Anna’s little party. She’d come, but made it all about her. “I’m sorry I made tonight about me. It should have been about you.”
Anna hugged her. “I don’t need to be the center of attention any more than you do. I’m not upset at all. I just wish everything were going better for you.”
Amy went to her car and drove home. She didn’t call. She didn’t think she could even start this discussion on the phone. Tom was sitting in his favorite chair in the living room waiting for her. “You haven’t called. Is there something you wanted to talk about in person?” His eyes were bright and excited. She knew right away he thought she was pregnant.
Amy shook her head sadly and walked into his waiting arms, crying softly into his shoulder. His arms wrapped tightly around her and he held her. “I’m so sorry. Maybe next month.”
She pulled away and led him to the couch, where they could sit side by side while they talked. “There’s not going to be a next month. I’ve been on the medicine too long already. Our only hope is IVF.” She watched his face carefully, hoping he’d tell her IVF would be fine.
Tom’s face fell. “I’m sorry. We’ll start researching adoption agencies right away. I know you wanted one of our own.” He pulled her to him. “This has been so hard on you.”
She took a deep breath. “I want to try it, Tom. Just one month of IVF. I know it’ll be expensive, but we’ve been saving, and we have enough for a couple of rounds.” Please let him say yes. Please let him say yes.
His eyes widened in shock. “We decided years ago that we would never go that route. I don’t think we should play God.”
She nodded. “I know that’s what we said. I do.” She paused trying to find the right words. “I just always expected the medication to work. I didn’t think it would come down to this. I can’t give up now.”
He shook his head slowly. He couldn’t live with himself if they went through the IVF procedures. He would feel like it was sinning against God. “I’m sorry, Amy. There’s no way I can agree to that. I love you, and I don’t want to hurt you, but I don’t think IVF is right. I wouldn’t feel right with God if I did that.”
Although she’d expected the words, Amy felt inexplicably angry with him. “So you don’t love me enough? Is that what you’re saying?” She knew she was being unfair to him. None of this was his fault, but she was so angry with him. Why wouldn’t he do what she wanted?
He closed his eyes. How could she believe that? She was the only girl he’d ever dated. The only girl he’d ever loved. The only girl he’d ever kissed, if you didn’t count that time with Anna when they were both two. “You know that I love you more than anything on Earth. But I can’t go against my conscience to sin against God, just because nothing else works. I can’t do it.”
She buried her face in her hands and cried. Her whole body shook with the sobs that were wracking her body. He slipped his arm around her. She jerked away; she didn’t want him touching her. “Just leave me alone.”