Chapter 1
Patricia Pickett
Copyright 2012 by Patricia Pickett
Smashwords Edition
I was sure it was probably the most selfish and horrible thing a girl could say, especially about her sister, but the day that my sister died was both the worst day and the best day of my life. I know you are reading this and you probably feel sickened. You are probably looking at these words with disgust in your heart, but the truth is, the day my sister died was the beginning of a new life for me.
I loved my sister, Carmen, more than any words could ever express, but my life has been pure hell for so many years. You see, she was everything to my family ... but me, I was nothing. I was just a big mistake that my mother begged her husband to forgive her for. So, basically, I have spent most of my life paying the price for my mother's affair.
My real name is Camille, but everyone in my family calls me Snow, short for Snowflake because I look different than them. I have light hair, light eyes, and skin white as the snow, unlike the rest of my family who all have dark skin, darker hair, and brown eyes. Our family is Spanish, full blooded, except the probability of me.
My mom, her husband, my sister, me, and a pit bull named Rowdy all lived in a small apartment in Fremont, California.
The day Carmen died, it poured down rain as if the angels were crying. That was crazy because earlier in the day it was hot outside, hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk. I remember every minute about that day too. I remember the sound of my mom's husband, Tommy, car as he drove us to the swimming pool. I hated his car, too, it was loud and always smelled like cigarettes and gasoline. He'd always let my sister sit in the passenger seat. He said it was because she was the oldest, but I knew the real reason why. She was his princess.
I can still picture her smiling at me through the side mirror as she sang the lyrics of Mariah Carey's We Belong Together.
I giggled because I knew she was singing about a guy named Diego.
She had met him at the mall a few weeks earlier and it was ‘love at first sight’. My sister was that girl, the one who fell head over heels in love, at least for the first couple of weeks after meeting a guy. “But, Diego is different,” I remember her saying while making her bed as she cleaned her side of the bedroom we shared.
“How do you know?” I ask her.
“How do you know that chocolate taste good?” That was my sister, always saying things that didn't make sense at all.
I had to admit, he was really cute. He had long, black, curly hair and dimples, and according to Carmen, he kissed really well, too. He was a year older than she and I could tell by the way he looked at her that he liked her a lot. Diego and his friends were who we were meeting with at the pool that day.
When Tommy dropped us off, there was a line outside to get into the pool. The sun was high in the sky and baking my scalp. I kept putting my hand on top of my head to keep the sun from cooking me into a little red lobster, but no matter what I did it found the pale flesh of my skin.
“God, it’s hot out here,” I complained
“ Geezus, I wonder what's taking these putas so long,” Carmen said
“I know they better hurry up, I'm burning up,” I complained.
I heard Diego call out to my sister, he was already inside the pool area.
He smiled when she looked his way. “Jump over the fence,” he begged my sister, his dimples looked like the white icing on chocolate cupcakes.
She looked my way, I guess awaiting my approval. “No,” I said
“Come on!” she begged. “You said you were burning up, right?”
“No, because if we get caught they'll call Dad and you know who will get in the worst trouble.”
“Well, I'm not standing out here,” she said, leaning on one hip with an attitude.
“Fine,” I said, “but if you get caught, you better not put me in it.” She smiled and gave me the money for me to get in and get a soda.
“Take my bag and put it in the locker for me, too.”
“Anything else, your majesty?”
“Don't be a bitch. Snowflake, you know I'd do it for you.”
“Yeah, whatever,” I said, a little bit jealous that I was too afraid to do it myself.
She got over the fence without getting caught, and I watched as her and Diego disappeared from my sight. I remembered how happy she looked, how pretty she was.
The line dragged along slowly. Every time someone left they let someone in. Time slid by and when the skin on the back of my neck started feeling like fire, which was when I finally got inside. The locker room always smelled like they poured way too much chlorine into the pool and it was seeping into the structure of the walls, making my eyes burn. I was almost outside when the stupid, older, fat lady that watched the door yelled at me to get in the shower before I could go outside to the pool. I walked back inside and stood under the shower, and the freezing water hit my skin like icicles piercing my flesh. I hated that rule.
As I wandered out to the pool area and I searched for Carmen, I couldn't see her anywhere. I took a seat by the shallow end of the pool, laying down my towel and hoping she'd at least find me. It was bad enough that I had to wait in the line, but to get out there and be all by myself made me even madder. I looked around for Diego, but I couldn't find him, either. .
The pool was filled with the heads, arms, and legs of kids bobbing in and out of the water, making it impossible to find anyone. I watched as some kids slid down the slide, splashing into the pool while some laughed and joked, throwing their friends in the pool, girls screaming and boys laughing. That was when I noticed Diego. He was at the deep end holding on to the edge of the pool. I got up and walked over to him. Before I could ask, Diego said, “Where's your sister?”
“I don't know! Isn't she with you?” I asked.
He looked up at me, the sun or chlorine burning his eyes. “No, she said she was going to look for you.”
“Well, I haven't seen her,” I said, clearly annoyed.
He looked around intently before saying, “Maybe she went to the bathroom.”
I shrugged my shoulders and sat on the ledge of the pool, dipping my feet into the cool water. I closed my eyes, enjoying how cool I felt, when a small breeze blew past me, sending a chill up my back.
The sound of kids screaming and water splashing filled my ears. Diego looked around a little more before one of his friends came up.
“Dude, you should get on the slide.”
“I was going to, but I'm waiting on Carmen.”
“It starts out slow, then it whips you all the way down. I'm about to go again.
You wanna go?” he asked him.
“You should ask Carmen's sister, Snow. She looks bored.”
“Where is she at?” he asked, overlooking me.
Diego looked at me, then his friend, and then pointed my way. “Her.”
He looked me over before saying, “Wanna go?”
“Sure,” I said and got up. Diego's friend was tall and skinny, too skinny, and he had bad skin, but I wasn't going to complain. There wasn't anything else to do, so I went with him. There was a line going up the steps to get on the slide.
He looked at me, and said, “Wow!
You don't look anything like Carmen.”
I couldn't tell if he meant it in a good way or a bad way, so I asked him, “What's that supposed to mean?'”
“No offense, but you look white. So what, are you adopted or something?”
“Something like that,” I said without hesitation
“Don't get me wrong, you're pretty an' shit, you just look different than your sister.”
“Thanks,” I said.
“So, what grade are you in?”
“Eleventh. You?”
“I would be graduating this year, but I got kicked out for selling weed.”
“Oh, dang.” I didn't know what else to say about his situation except it would suck to get kicked out before graduation.
“So, I bet your family is real mad, huh?” I asked him.
“Not really.” He shrugged.
“Really? My family would probably throw me out.”
“Yeah, I would've been the first in my family to graduate. Truth is, it was kind of their fault, but they're cool as long as I'm making money to help out.”
I didn't ask, but I knew exactly what he meant by that and I felt bad for him. The similarities between our families weren’t surprising at all to me. I mean, a lot of families in our part of town would much rather have their kids helping with the bills than getting an education. The difference was that my family didn't know I was alive. Half of the time, I was a ghost who lived and breathed in the Castillo house.
I thought back to a time when I had been doing my best in school. I had made the honor roll and was so excited to come home with the perfect report card. My mother and Tommy were sitting in the dining room at the table discussing bills when I came in. I handed the report card to my mom, waiting for her to hug me and tell me how proud she was, but instead, she just glanced over it and said good job before she asked my sister to see hers. I looked over at Carmen, and she squinted her eyes at me as if to say, “Thanks a lot.” I knew she was worried. It read on her face because she hadn't been doing her work like she used to. I was saddened that no one cared for longer than a second about my grades. Tommy reached out for my sister’s report card as she started stumbling over her words about why her grades weren't as good as mine.
As she made up excuses, Tommy said, “Of course, your grades aren't going to be as good as Snowflakes because she looks white. You know how racist these white teachers are, you are going to have to work ten times harder.”
I couldn't believe what I heard. My heart felt like an anchor that just sunk to the bottom of my stomach. It wasn’t bad enough that they didn't care about how hard I'd worked, but they made excuses for my sister that weren't true. Nothing will ever be good enough, I thought to myself. The line up the steps of the slide began moving and Jeremy put his hand on my back to guide me to step in front of him as the stairs narrowed.
“You go first.”
“What if I don't wanna go first?” I said, joking with him
“Then, I'll go first if you are too scared.” He laughed
“This is kiddie stuff. I'm not scared, just wanted to laugh at you when you started screaming,” I teased
“Won't happen, I'm not afraid of anything,” he said with confidence. Somehow, I believed that.
We reached the top and as I sat down on the slide, I looked back at Jeremy. He had a
sweet smile. “See you at the bottom.”
The big, blue slide whipped and turned, and flipped my body around before I plunged into the cool water. It was fun and I wanted to do it again. I couldn't wait to tell Carmen. I jumped out and watched as Jeremy plunged into the pool.
“Let's see if Carmen and Diego want to come,” I said
As we began our walk to find them, we watched as the lifeguards began whistling and screaming for people to get out of the pool while a young blond dove in. That very minute was the most terrifying, most painful moment of my life. If having heartbreak was truly fatal, I would've died on the hot cement in my blue bikini that very moment. I watched as the lifeguards flipped the floating body over. I recognized the peace necklace the girl wore as the sun glinted off the piece of gold on the girl’s neck. I then realized it wasn't just some random girl, it was my sister. Chapter 2
No one knew how it happened. Diego said they were diving for a quarter at the bottom of the pool and Carmen never came back up. The police said sometimes it happened when the pool reached capacity. When my parents arrived, I felt my mother's heart breaking into little tiny pieces. I watched her as she dropped to her knees, overcome by the pain. Tommy stood looking into the pool as if that would or could bring my sister back.
I couldn't get the images of my sister's lifeless body out of my mind. I replayed them over and over again. Her beautiful face was expressionless to the sky above. Her hair floating at the top of the water as they carried her out. The gold necklace with the peace sign my mother bought her on her sixteenth birthday that she never took off. Suddenly, I felt like throwing up.
Rain poured down and I went to the locker room to get my clothes and my sister's bag, the one with neon peace signs all over it. She loved peace signs. We teased her, called her a hippie. As I opened the locker door, the smell of her favorite perfume tickled my nose. I broke down. I didn't know what else to do but cry. The only person in the world who actually loved me was dead. I got up off of the floor and went outside to meet my parents. I ran in the rain to the parking lot looking for our car. It was pouring, thunder boomed in the sky. I searched and searched, but my parents and their car was gone.
I waited for what seemed like forever. “How could they have left me behind?” I got up and walked in the pouring rain with no jacket or pants. The only thing in my mind was the sound of rain and my heart beating. My life had hit an all time low. I couldn't believe Carmen was dead. It felt like a bad dream and in a minute I'd wake up to the sounds of my mom in the kitchen frying chorizo and the smell of coffee brewing. I'd wake up and Carmen would be talking on the phone, giggling with Diego. Everything was going to be okay, well as good as it could be with two parents who couldn't stand the sight of me.
I finally reached our apartment building and saw Tommy's car wasn't there. I got to the door and unlocked it, thinking maybe my mom would be sitting at the table freaking out because my sister died and now they had no idea where I was and she was worried sick. Instead, no one was there except for Rowdy, who didn’t move from his sleeping spot on the sofa.
“Get down, Rowdy! You know you aren't supposed to be on the furniture,” I yelled. He opened one eye, but didn't move. He didn't acknowledge my existence, either. I dreaded the walk to me and my sister's bedroom. I still hoped I was in a dream, a bad dream. Soaking wet, I took off my clothes and slipped into a jogging suit. I laid down on my bed, my mind racing, terrible images exploded throughout my head. “Oh my God!! It’s true!” I screamed.
It was true my sister was gone. I cried for what seemed like hours until I fell asleep. When my parents came in, they were screaming at one another. Not one of them came to the room to check in on me. I was scared to face them. I knew the fibers of our family were falling away like leaves on trees in the last week of October.
“Shut up, Tommy! She's my daughter, too!” my mother cried.
“Well, you better figure it out. It's either her or me! That's it, Bev!”
“I can't believe you are making me choose between my husband or my only daughter. Tommy, you can't take this out on me. I did nothing wrong.”
“The hell you didn't. If it wasn't for your Sancho's baby, none of this shit would've happened.”
“It's not Camille's fault that Carmen died. You just want someone to blame.”
“Bullshit! If she would've been sitting with her sister like she was supposed to be instead of out whoring around, she would have noticed when she went under and didn't come back up. But, she wasn't and there ain’t no telling how long she was under that water.” He began to cry.
“I refuse to live with her, so you make the choice, Beverly!”
Then, the door slammed and my mother began to scream at the top of her lungs. “Why me! God! Why me!”
I wanted to run out of my room and hold my mom. I wanted to tell her I was there and I knew how she felt. I wished that I had the courage to tell her that her husband wasn't worth it, that I needed her and that she needed me. But, I felt like my legs wouldn't carry me to her. I felt like I'd be wasting my breath.
She screamed for my sister. “Carmen!
Carmen! Oh, God, why did you take my baby girl!”
I fought my fears and walked the hallway that seemed like a long tunnel, the longest tunnel in the country. I stood at the end of the hallway as I saw my mother on the floor in the fetal position crying her eyes out.
“Mom,” I said.
She looked up at me and began to cry harder. “Mom, what are we going to do?” I asked as I got closer and sat on the carpet next to her. I reached my hand out to touch her hair. “Mommy, I'm sorry.” I cried.
“Why, Camille? Why did God take your sister?”
“I don't know,” I cried.
“I loved her so much.”
“I did, too, Mom,” I said as if I had to prove my love of her to my mom.
She sat up and looked in my eyes. I was trying to read her mind; I searched her face for something. She looked at me blankly, and said, “I think it's time we find your father, your real father.”
My heart jumped inside my throat. I knew my own mother was considering getting rid of me.
That night, the room felt so cold and lonely. My sister was gone and my future was up in the air. I laid on Carmen's bed staring up at the ceiling, wondering where she was, how she was. And, no matter how I tried to block the images out of my mind, I couldn't. I kept racking my brain for answers as to what could have kept her from coming up for air. She wasn't the best swimmer in the world, but she wasn't a beginner. I prayed that God would heal the pain in my heart, my mom's heart, and especially in Tommy's heart. He may have had no love for me, but he did love Carmen.
My mind switched gears as I thought about leaving everything I knew behind me. I couldn't imagine being away from everything I had known for seventeen years of my life. It may have been rough, but it was the only thing I had left.
The next morning, I sat at the dining room table with my mom. She hadn't slept a wink all night, and Tommy hadn't come home, either.
My mom grabbed a cigarette, lit it, and told me to take a seat.
“I think it's time for you to know the truth about your father,” she said as she blew out a stream of smoke.
“Okay,” I said.
“I was twenty years old and it was my first month working in the hospital, I was eager to make a good impression. Tommy and I were having some problems, he was having a hard time finding work and we weren't getting along. You know, some men's pride is everything to them and Tommy, well… his pride was everything to him. He felt like a failure not being employed, he hated the fact that I was the only one working. He was playing the housewife role at night while I was working the graveyard shift. So, I looked for a babysitter for Carmen.” A tear rolled down her cheek as she said her name. “I wanted Tommy to be able to get some sleep at night so he could get up in the morning to look for work.” While she was talking, she got up to pour herself a glass of orange juice.
“So...anyway, one night he tells me he's going out with some of his friends and he doesn't come home for nearly two weeks.” I gasped.
“I'd called all the hospitals, the jails, everywhere. No one had seen or heard from him. I had no idea what to think. So, I continued to work every night and every day, and I hoped and prayed I would hear from Tommy. I loved him so much that I felt as if I couldn't breathe. Trust me when I say this, one day you will understand what I mean.” My mother stepped a few feet from the table, pulled a bottle of vodka from the cupboard, and poured some in her glass.
I didn't say anything, but she must have felt as if I should because she looked at me, and said, “I lost my daughter yesterday,” as if to say, “Don't judge me.”
“Mom, I thought you said my dad was dead?”
She sat back down, picked up her cigarette from the ashtray, and pulled from it. “I thought it would be best not to confuse everyone's lives. The only reason you already know that Tommy isn't your father is because there wasn't any way to hide it any more. I mean, look at you. It's pretty damn obvious.”
“Does he know about me?” I asked.
“No,” she said, and took a sip of her drink. “But, he's going to now.”
I began to sob a little bit because at first, the thought of plucking me out of my life scared me to death. “Don't you cry,” my mom said. “Your sister's body is sitting in the morgue and you want to cry? I need a break. Dammit!”
She had no idea that I had heard everything her and Tommy had argued about the night before. I couldn't believe how she had no feelings about me. God, I felt sick to my stomach.
“I'm trying to tell you something, okay? So, please, listen.”
I nodded my head and listened as she told me the rest of the story.
“You father was a doctor in the hospital I worked at. He was young and handsome. One night, most of the staff went out for drinks they'd invited me along. I was only twenty, but no one questioned it. We talked a little about work and when I told him what I was going through, he was there to comfort me. It was one night and nothing else happened between us. A few weeks after Tommy came back home, I found out I was pregnant. I never told him what happened until after you were born. He promised to love you like you were his, and that's what he did.”
Inside of my mind, I wanted to scream. I wanted to tell my mother that everything had been her fault. I wanted her to know I never felt love from Tommy or her and that the only person who loved me was my sister...but I didn't. I just watched as she drank and smoked, and celebrated in her own little pity party.
“So, how are we going to find him?”
“Don't worry about that until after Carmen's funeral,” she said as she took another large sip from her glass.
Chapter 3
I woke up to the feeling of sadness. It was the day of Carmen's funeral. Since her death nothing had been the same, not even my own dreams.
The bedroom even felt different. No late night giggling or eating cookies with the moon. Just a space with stuff that belonged to her and I.
I got out of the shower and was doing my hair when I almost sensed her near me. I had to look behind me to make sure, maybe I was losing it. Maybe I wanted her back so bad that I was recreating the sound of her slippers on the kitchen floor, or the smell of peach lotion and Pantene hair spray. Diego called to see if he could go to her funeral. He was unsure if Tommy would let him, and he said he was going to bring Jeremy if that was okay. I told him it was fine, but not to say anything to Tommy because there was no telling what he might do. It was bad enough that I was there when it happened, but if knowing that the boy was there that his daughter was with when she drowned might cause a reaction, and with Tommy, at that point, no reaction was going to be good.
The sound of baby birds chirping was a welcoming feeling, as if life still went on. The sun was high in the sky, no clouds in sight. Carmen loved nature and everything about it trees, birds, butterflies, and sunflowers. She was such a beautifully poetic type of girl. I didn't know how I'd be able to go on in life without her. I kept thinking about how I could have been there what I could've done to stop her from drowning. I wonder if she would've stayed in line instead of jumping the fence, would she be alive today?
We arrived at the church early to spend time with Carmen before everyone else arrived.
Even in her casket, she looked like an angel. Her long, black hair was full of spiral curls, framing her pretty face like a halo. I loved her so much.
My mother made sure to dress her in lavender because it was her favorite color. She looked so peaceful lying there. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. I touched her hand, and it felt weird. I didn't want to leave her side, but I was pushed out by my parents so everyone else could get a turn. Am I being selfish because I want to stand there alone for as long as it takes to tell her how I feel? Probably, but I didn't care because at the end of the day she was my sister, my teacher, my best friend.
Looking around the small church, I noticed that it was filling up with many people. I noticed lots of kids from high school; mainly the senior class was in attendance. She was truly well liked and well loved. I looked toward the back of the church and noticed Diego and Jeremy. I couldn't believe that they had come and hadn't said anything. Diego’s face looked a little freaked out and I could tell he didn’t want to see her like that. No one did. Jeremy smiled my way and I remembered how ironic it was that one of the most fun days I ever had was the same day that she left us. The memory felt, but tasted sour like a lemon. I smile back and turn toward Carmen's coffin. My chest felt tight, like taking one more breath may include passing out. I thought if I said the words in my head she would hear them.
You were right, Diego is different. He loves you.
I smiled because I could hear her saying, “I told you, bitch,” while laughing to herself.
To ward the end of the service, Tommy's sister sang her own version of I Will Remember You, causing the entire church to break down in tears. Tommy especially, he loved Carmen deeply. He didn't get up to say his goodbyes because it was too difficult. I looked at him suffering like a puppy locked in a cage. He didn't look at me, not even once. We are all given a single lavender balloon to set free outside of the church. I took a black Sharpie and wrote on mine, To heaven, please, give this to my angel Carmen...Love Snow. Then, Celine Dion's In the Arms Of The Angel began to play from the speakers and we all lined up to exit the church. I was crying like a baby as we set the balloons free.
Afterwards, when the balloons were out of view, we went inside the church where there was food and refreshments; arroz con gandules, mofongo, pollo guisado, white rice, and tres leche cake.
The smell of fresh brewed coffee made me think of mornings with my mom and sister.
Everyone was standing around eating and consoling one another. My mother told stories about Carmen, funny stories to make people laugh.
We left the church and as we rode in the family limousine to the cemetery to say our final goodbyes, we all sat in complete silence. Nothing could be heard besides each other's sniffles and the sound of the car moving. My heart felt like it would burst into a million small pieces. My mother, who sat in silence, her eyes were swollen and red. She looked like her life was completely over.
Expressionless and quiet, I tried to imagine if we would ever get over this. Honestly, I thought my mother would never come back from the deepest sadness of Carmen’s death. I almost felt like I didn't belong. I'd always felt like the outsider in my family and it showed even more as I watched my mother stare into the emptiness of the air. There was no comfort or affection from her to me as her still living child. I wanted to sit next to her and comfort her, hold her hand, and tell her it would get better someday, but I didn't. I
didn't believe it myself. In some twisted part of her brain, I thought she held me responsible for everything bad that had ever happened to her, like the bump in her marriage and the loss of our sweet Carmen.
I could almost see an invisible wall growing between Tommy and my mother because no words were exchanged, just few fleeting glances.
Tommy's mother and sister must have felt it, too, because no one wanted to say anything to either of them.
We pulled up to her final resting spot and I smiled because I saw she would be settled in next to a large oak tree. Its trunk was huge and its branches were so long, they looked like they could stretch out for miles. I could envision her sitting on one of the branches, her feet dangling staring out into the stars. Carmen always loved climbing trees.
I got out of the car and walked toward her grave. I was surprised when I saw a peacock standing near with its beautiful feathers out like a fan. I knew right then and there that everything would be okay.
When everyone said their final goodbyes, I watched my mother as she stroked the surface of the casket as if it was the softness of Carmen's skin. The sound of Mom’s cries made my heart ache. It felt like a knife tearing away at the muscles in my heart. I got up and walked over to her. I held her tightly while she broke down in my arms. We cried together and for the first time in my life, I felt as if I was her strength, the pillar that kept her from falling off a cliff. She held me tight like a mother would a daughter.
Not only did I bury my sister, I buried the last seventeen years of my life.
Chapter 4
It only took three calls for my mom to find my father. Turned out he had moved from California to Colorado to start his own practice. She spent hours on the phone explaining to him about me and about what happened to Carmen. I spoke to him once, but only for a few minutes. He told me that he was sorry about not being there for me, but he never knew anything about me. He sounded nice.
They made arrangements and a week after speaking with him for the first time; I was sitting on a plane headed to Colorado. When I left my home, I knew it was probably the last time I'd ever see it. It felt crushing and exhilarating all wrapped up in one emotion.
From their bedroom, I heard Tommy say, “Tell her I said goodbye.”
“You aren't going to come out and say anything?” my mom asked him as if it was a surprise to her.
“No,” he said.
My mother came out of the bedroom, helping me with my bags. We walked out the door, I turned around and looked at our apartment one last time before we headed down the stairs. I imagined Carmen in the window waving goodbye.
Mom sobbed all the way to the airport. She said she couldn't believe she was letting me go, but it was what was best for all of us.
I told her that I didn't agree with her choice, but that I would always love her. She sobbed a little more, and then I told her that no matter what happened it my life that I would never forget her or Carmen.
She said, “And Tommy?”
I gave her a side glance without responding to her question.
She told me she'd always love me, too. The words stuck to me like honey and I cried as I hug her tightly.
I checked in my bags and watched her leave. Her image got smaller and smaller, and before I knew it she was gone. My heart hurt like someone punched me in the chest. I'm scared to death and I think it's churning into anxiety. What happens next? I asked myself.
While waiting to board the plane, I question my whole life, my entire existence, and even God.
When I step on the plane, I noticed it was pretty full. I was thinking maybe Colorado was a good place. I sat down in my window seat, and then a man in a business suit sat down next to me. I thought about my father. I wondered what he would look like. I pictured him to look similar to the guy next to me. My brain was racing. I thought about the look on his face when I stepped off the plane. I wondered if he'd even recognize his daughter. I questioned what he would think, if he would be real nervous like I used to get when I'd have a test in math, or even worse, a presentation in front of the entire class. I looked out the window. I've never been anywhere before, especially not in the sky. As the plane started rolling, I felt butterflies in my stomach like I used to get when I swung real high on the swings in elementary school. I watched nervously as we left the ground, rising higher and higher until there was nothing but the sky surrounding us and the ground looked like a patch quilt.
I knew if Carmen would've been there she would probably be smiling the entire time. I remembered the last time we went to Santa Cruz beach boardwalk and rode the rides. Carmen was in heaven, she loved the Giant dipper roller coaster. I whined as she drug me with her because I was always scared of heights. She laughed because I threw up after we got off. Then, her and Tommy rode the bumper cars while me and mom laughed as she rammed him a thousand times. We ate hot dogs on a stick, and laughed and screamed out loud inside the haunted house. It was Carmen's sixteenth birthday, the day my mom gave her the peace sign necklace. It was one of them memories that would be forever etched in my mind. It was one of the only real days I remember that Tommy didn't give me a hard time.
I knew it was wrong, but before I left I took a few things that belonged to my sister; her journal, a pair of butterfly earrings, a t-shirt that had the Eiffel tower on it, a Jane Austen book, and her digital camera. My mom would just have to understand. I pulled out her camera and flicked through her photos. I giggled when I came across a few where she was making crazy faces, crossing her eyes and sticking out her tongue. The man next to me looked like he wanted to peer over my shoulder to see what I was looking at, but he didn't, he smiled at me and continued to read a magazine. Her pictures were all amazing, even the one where her and Diego were kissing. There was one of her and Tommy in the living room. Plenty of our dog, Rowdy, dressed in t-shirts she randomly liked to put on him. There was a picture of me and her the day she teased our hair, turning them into big afros. There were some from school and many, many pictures of trees, flowers, and the clouds in the sky. She wanted to be a photographer when she graduated. That was one of her many dreams, making clothes was also one of her many passions. I remembered one time she told me she wanted to own her own animal shelter. Carmen was so great in so many ways.
During the rest of the plane ride, I shuffled back and forth through her pictures until a huge, empty feeling overwhelmed me and I wanted to cry. I sat back in my seat and closed my eyes. I wanted to block out everything around me and focus on my new life, but I couldn't. I felt as if happiness was a hot air balloon and it didn't matter how many times I jumped, I would never be able to reach it.
The sound from the captain woke me up, I sat up and looked out the window. I couldn't believe it we had already landed at Denver International Airport. I was actually there; I was minutes away from meeting my father. I was in Colorado. I had left the ocean and my mom behind for my dad and the mountains. How crazy was that? It was a good thing that people were hurrying to exit the plane because I felt like I couldn't move fast enough, walking the long corridor to get inside the airport seemed like the longest walk of my life. I got my stuff at baggage claim, hoping someone was there to claim me as well.
As I stood waiting, a man, a tall man with eyes the color of the deep blue sea came up and asked, “Are you Camille?” I looked at his face and knew instantly that this man was my father.
“Yes,” I said, but it was only a whisper of my voice that came out. A tear dripped from my right eye. “Hi” He reached out, put his arms around me, and held me tight, like I was a long lost friend.
“I'm so glad you are here,” he said, still holding onto me.
“Me too,” I responded. He let go of me and took a long look at me. We definitely mirrored one another.
“How was your flight?” he asked while reaching for my luggage.
“Scary,” I said.
“You don't like to fly?” he asked.
“That was my first time,” I said shyly
“Well, me either.” He chuckled. Then, he asked me if I was hungry.
“A little.”
He looked at me and smiled. “Well, we'll fix that.”
We walked out to passenger pick up where he unlocked the back of an SUV that waiting at the curb and put my bags inside. The passenger door opened and a woman stepped out.
“Hi, Camille! I'm Joyce, your father’s wife.” I smiled at her and shook her extended hand. “I’m so excited to meet you. Me and your father have been so anxious since the moment we found out.” The back passenger door opened, and I noticed a little boy and girl sitting inside.
“Hi, sister!” they said nearly in unison. They seemed very excited.
“Oh, and this is your brother, Andrew, and your sister, Chanel. They couldn't wait for you to come.”
“Hi, guys!” I said as I slid into my seat.
My new sister and brother couldn't stop looking at me, they were both adorable. Andrew sang a little song while playing with a matchbox car as we rode down the street and Chanel watched me the entire time as she played with a curly lock hanging on the side of her face.
We pulled up to a place called Dave and Buster's, and inside they had tons of video games and food. I order the largest cheeseburger ever before I took my brother and sister to play Ski-ball. They jumped up and down every time I won more tickets. I was pretty good at the game and rounded up enough tickets for them to go and pick out prizes. We played more video games and I tried to shoot basketball hoops, but I was not very good. We headed back to our table where my dad and Joyce were looking very happy, smiling and laughing with one another. Dad paid and we headed home.
My dad hadn't said a whole lot after we left the restaurant. I hoped it wasn't a sign that he was having second thoughts about me. Joyce was cool. I really liked her a lot, she was very talkative. She was a pretty woman with black hair and green eyes, and was in really great shape. She later told me that she used to be a ballet dancer when she was younger and she added that she stayed slim by chasing the kids around. We pulled up to the house. It was large and beautiful, and I felt like I had just popped inside a reality show.
“It's beautiful,” I said as we entered.
The walls were painted white, unlike my home in Cali, and the floors were wood. The first bedroom at the top of the stairs was mine.
My heart fluttered as I walked in and saw that the walls were lavender, Carmen's favorite color. I had a TV and a queen sized bed all to myself with a purple and white comforter. I had my own bathroom and a computer desk with an actual computer. I plopped down on the fluffy carpet and looked around the room. I almost had to pinch myself because I couldn't believe it. Joyce entered.
Do you like it?” she asked.
“I love it.”
“Good. I'm glad.” She told me my dad had a bad headache and went to lie down.
“It's not because of me, is it?” I asked with worry.
“No. Don't ever think that,” she assured me. “He gets them sometimes.”
“Okay,” I said.
“Go ahead and get settled in. I'll talk to you in a little while.”
“Joyce?” “Yes,” She answered as she turned around stood in the doorway of my bedroom.
“What should I call my dad?”
She smiled. “Dad works...unless you don't feel comfortable.”
“No, that's fine.” I got up off the floor and begin going through my suitcases. After I emptied one,
I sat down on the edge of my comfy bed and looked around my room. I still couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe any of it. I smiled and fell back on my bed.
“Carmen, can you believe it?” I asked her as if she was standing right there.
Before I knew it, sleep had consumed me.
Chapter 5
A few weeks had passed so quickly and I barely slept a wink the night before school started. I stood in the mirror looking at myself. My hair was all over my head like a sandy brown lion's mane. I needed to get a perm. I thought about Carmen and I remembered when we were younger she stole a perm from the store. My mom said I was too young for one, but my sister felt bad that I had to struggle every morning with my hair. I remember how I felt the night I first got the perm. I felt so different, I felt pretty for a change. My sister always looked out for me. A tear dropped from my eye, smudging my mascara. I plugged in the flat iron and headed downstairs for cereal.
After I got ready, we left out. I could feel the butterflies in my stomach. I knew I shouldn't be feeling so nervous, after all, I was in a new school. I had new clothes and a fresh start. It was as if my previous life was like an old, beat up piece of furniture and now I had a new family who had put a fresh coat of lacquer on me. I still felt new to them and sometimes I just wanted some time to myself. I think they understood though because they didn’t bother me when I didn’t feel like being bothered. I heard their quiet conversations and the worry that they had about me being unhappy and it wasn’t that I wasn’t happy. I was a new tree and my roots were still planting themselves into the fresh soil.
I entered Overland High and picked up my schedule from the office. Joyce gave me some money and said she'd see me later. With my brother in sister in tow, she left. The building was big and nice, unlike my old school filled with graffiti and trash. A few kids passed me in the hallway. A tall girl with a long pony tail gave me a small smile. I looked at the map of the school and walked to my first class. Who wants to do Geometry first thing in the morning? Yuck, I thought. I already hated my schedule.
Inside the lunchroom, I was expecting to feel uncomfortable. After all, I didn’t know anyone yet. But instead, I got my food, sat down at a table, and began to eat.
“The pizza is good, but I wouldn't trust anything else they make,” a girl said as she sat down her food.
“It tastes better than the food from my last school,” I said as I took a bite from my sandwich.
“Where you from?” she asked while texting without looking up.
“Cali.”
“That's cool,” she said, and then she put her phone in her purse and ripped open a bag of Sun Chips. She was pretty. She had black hair with red bangs, long lashes, and a piercing above her lip.
“I'm Jamie,” she said, chomping down on a chip
“Camille.”
“Were in Chemistry together, and I figured it's got to suck being the new kid in school and not knowing anyone, so I figured I'd introduce myself.”
“Too cool,” I said, sipping on a Snapple iced tea.
Two more girls sat down next to her. One white, one Mexican.
The Mexican girl was super pretty with Chinese bangs and piercings. She had dark purple lipstick and pretty, almond shaped eyes. The other girl looked similar to Jamie, accept she had blue eyes and she was very fair skinned. You could tell she was popular but the way people had greeted her. Her name was Destiny.
“Watch out for this girl here, she's kind of an evil diva.” Jamie laughed as she pointed to the Mexican girl named Marissa.
“Whatever.” Marissa rolled her eyes. “Jamie is the biggest diva around here.”
“Hi! My name's Lee -Lee,” another girl said as she sat down next to me.
Before I knew it, the entire table was full. I looked around and noticed that
all the girls at the table were very pretty. There wasn't a question that they had to be the most popular girls at the school.
At my last school Carmen was very popular, which made me popular without really ever having to prove myself to anyone. The new school's vibe was different. It seemed like they were more worried about how everyone dressed than anything else. It wasn't that easy at my last school with all the different gangs and dance crews.
The girls talked about their crushes, boys they wanted to get with.
Jamie asked me if I had a boyfriend. I lied and said we'd broken up when I moved, but the truth was I had never had a boyfriend. The closest thing to being with one was a game of Truth or Dare when Ricky stuck his tongue in my mouth in the courtyard of my apartment complex. I was totally grossed out by it because it wasn't anything sexy or romantic like you saw on TV, it was just his wet, dead tongue in my mouth. There was one boy I liked for a really long time.
I used to daydream Curtis, he was one of the most popular boys in the junior class. He was tall with hazel eyes and he always smelled like expensive cologne. His clothes were neatly pressed and his Jordon's were white as the snow. He had teeth so perfect he could have been a smile model, if there was such a thing. But, Curtis didn't know I was alive. Most boys at my school knew I was Carmen's little sister and for one reason or another, avoided me like the plague. There were rumors that they thought I was stuck up. I wasn't, I just never had any freedom like my older sister did. How could you know if you were great when you had no idea what greatness was? My life was different from Carmen's, I had to keep good grades, clean the house, and it seemed I always was in trouble for something or another.
Marissa studied me as if I was a germ under a microscope. She didn't say much, either. I finished my ham and cheese sandwich, and the bell began to ring. Marissa blurted out, “So, what are you?'
“What do you mean?” I asked. I mean, was she about to crack a joke about me, call me an alien?
“Are you Latina or are you white?” she asked as if the world would stop spinning on its axis if I didn’t answer the question with the right answer.
Kind of surprised, I answered, “I'm both.”
“I knew it, you don't really look white, but you are pale as hell.” She laughed as she threw a piece of gum in her mouth.
I didn't say anything as I grabbed my stuff. She looked the thought maybe she had offended me, and then said, “It's cool, I'm Mexican.”
“I'm Puerto Rican and white.”
“Well I'll catch you lata then. Are you going to the spot after school?”
“Um, I don't know,” I said. I had no idea what the spot even was.
Lee-Lee grabbed my schedule. “What class do you have next?”
“I think Home Economics.”
“ I think Destiny has the same class, she'll show you where to go.”
“Cool,” I said, and with that we walked the hallways till we got to our classroom.
Destiny liked to talk. She told me everything from the reason why she just dumped her last boyfriend to why she took prescription meds daily. She talked so much, I felt like my ears were going to catch fire. Once inside the classroom, I was separated from her as the teacher paired us up in groups of threes and fours. It figured I'd get some girl who smelled like cigarettes and seemed to have no interest in cooking in class. A few moments later, a cute guy named Ezrah joined our group.
Ezrah was tall and cute. He had blue eyes and dark brown hair. I giggled as he slipped a little apron around his tall, muscular frame. “Hello, ladies,” he said, exuding confidence. Smokey The Bear rolled her eyes.
“Hey,” I said.
Ezrah shot me a glance and smiled while looking me over. “Looks like I get to show the new girl how we get down in this here kitchen.” He laughed.
Miss Julie told us to wash our hands, and then she instructed us as to what we were making and what order we needed to cook our stir fry and rice.
Ezrah made me laugh as he twirled around the kitchen in a half dancing, half serious mode, turning an Eminem rap into his own version of a cooking song. I heard the giggles coming from other girls in the kitchen next to us. I could tell Ezrah was favored in the class and otherwise.
“Can you handle the rice?” he asked the other girl. She looked annoyed and blew a stream of air out her mouth that blew her bangs up out of her eyes.
“How about just boiling the water then? Too much to ask?” Ezrah asked.
She filled the pot and put it on the stove, and then she leaned back against the counter top and continued to look like her life was over.
“What should I do?” I asked him, trying not to let him catch me staring at his biceps.
“You can cut up the vegetables, I'll fry the meat,” he said as he winked at me.
Such a player move. I thought, but I still found him irresistible.
I watched him as he took great pride in frying the meat.
“So, where you from?” he asked while taking a piece of a green pepper and popping it into his mouth.
“California.”
“Oh, you fancy huh?” He laughed.
“Why would you say that?” I ask him.
“Big city girl.”
“I wouldn't say that.” The truth was, I didn't get to do too much when I lived with my mom.
“So then, why'd you move here?” he asked, stirring the meat.
“Well, if you must know,” I said, putting the veggies in the pan with the meat, “I'm in the witness protection program. Wait, am I allowed to tell you that?” He laughed.
“I knew you were a thug,” he said. My mind drifted to his lips. God, he was cute.
Smokey squeezed past us and poured the rice in the boiling water.
“My educated guess is the rice won't be so good,” he whispered to me. We shared a light laugh together.
“So, how do you like it here so far?”
I shrugged my shoulders. “It’s okay.”
“ Just okay?” he asked as if I should have had something more exciting to add.
“Yea.”
“Well, maybe you haven't had the right guy to show you around.” He smiled.
“Oh, you think so?” I asked, peering into the pan, wondering if we were making our food right.
“I know.” he says looking at me.
“You're not very confident, are you?” I say sarcastically.
“I'm just saying,” he said but I didn't respond. “I think we should plate our food.”
After we got the food ready for presentation and Ezrah went to get Miss Julie to check our food, a girl walked past me and said, “I wouldn't waste your time. He's a dog.” I knew exactly who she was talking about.
I didn't respond and when Ezrah came back, he asked, “What did she just say to you?”
“Nothing.” He looks her way and cut his eyes at her.
I felt the need to break the ice, so I asked, “President of your fan club?”
He chuckled and his big, pretty smile almost made me melt all over our test kitchen.
“No, you are.”
“I don't think so,” I said.
“Why not?” he asked, looking at me like it should have been a requirement.
“I'm already the president of my own fan club.”
“Really?” he questioned.
The teacher looked over our food and we barely had time left to eat before the bell rang.
As I grabbed my folder, Ezrah passed me, and said, “See you later, Fancy.”
My heart felt like it skipped a beat. “See you,” I said, and headed down the hallway.
*
The hallway emptied out pretty quickly as I struggled with my locker combination. I was too embarrassed to ask for help, so I kept trying. I was already tardy for class and it was my final class of the day. Inside my locker was my cell phone and my purse, I needed both of them. As my frustration set in, I finally heard someone say, "You might as well call Mr. Tucker because those lockers are impossible to open once they get stuck."
"What makes you think it’s stuck? I think I have forgotten my combination," I said.
"Trust me, those lockers are always stuck. I had the one next to yours last year."
The dean of students, Mrs. Johnson, and Mr. Tucker rounded the hallway. The girl yelled out, " Hey, Mr. Tucker, newbie’s locker is stuck." She looked at me and smiled. "Perfect timing." I was thankful for the girl’s help. God only knows how much longer I would have fought the losing battle.
Mr. Tucker yanked and pulled until he finally got it open, and promised me they'd have it fixed by the following afternoon. Until then, he advised I shouldn't use it. I was relieved because I didn't know Joyce's number by heart and I had no idea how to get home.
I walked toward my next class, and Destiny was on her way somewhere down the hall and caught up to me.“Hey, girl! You're late!” She laughed.
“I know, my retarded locker was stuck.”
“Where you heading?” she asked.
“Life Skills,” I said as I read it off the paper.
“Ew, I hated Life Skills,” she said, her pretty faced scrunched up into a look of disgust.
“That bad?” I asked her.
“Borrrrring.” She exaggerated the word.