1. A Mug of a Different Colour
Current mood:Spirited In The NOW. :D
Ro let me use her pink scooter mug today.. I accepted her invitation to brighten my outlook. I usually go for the 16 oz. mug and I enjoy the feel of the wide mouth, and yeah, I'm really digging the change of routine.
I'm sitting here, letting a guy draw a picture of our conversation.
His name happens to be one of my favorite male names, ever.. (Nikki Trivia for ya.) Speaking of new eras and intellectual information...
A New Yorker. Yes, I'm speaking with him. In his desperation of how the Portland scene has seen him, and how his cultural differences didn't fair well when he first arrived.
He was boisterous and hit the wall with the hipsters and supposed movers and shakers of this town just as I have, but for possibly differing reasons; but he seems very similar to me.
Here he is. Trying to make it in this community, seeking minimum wage jobs and feeling distraught with the way the economy is going.
I have felt a lot of spiritual enlightenment today.
I thought I was going to write about how I felt as I went to sleep last night, with my head spinning around silly relationship issues, and how I really have a great station in where I am in my life and my overall goals; yet I still seem to get caught up in my feelings and my psychic messages.
I mean, here are people who want me to take them with me, but they also want the power in their lives to make their decisions and stay loyal to objectives and people in their own lives.
I must allow the individuality I love to prosper and continue to germinate. Why would I want to change something I love so much? Stagnation and suffocation are devastating.
I must avoid altering the direction of self-perpetuated wisdom and experience. I am only a spectator. With a wild and vibrant spirit, capable of sensing the most subtle of human workings. (Maybe I'm just making stuff up, again.. I don't know.)
When all I really want to do is say: hey, look at this. Why are you fighting with the idea that someone will disagree with what you have been given in a positive light? I'm not going to lie to you, the people who see me as posing some sort of rift would be right.
She, as an overall term for the conceptual partner with whom the relationships subsides currently do feel and see what I'm doing, and in a moment last night, I felt myself in a light I hadn't seen myself.
Here I am, this girl who introduces people into an environment for the sustainability of a venture and I have a great level of respect for, and with that comes fear from individuals who know I could pounce upon any opportunity to arise and take advantage of my position.
Yeah, I don't know if I'm the one being greedy or not, but I can tell you, I am aware of the possibility within me to do so.
Awareness is the greatest form of understanding when dealing with the fears we will face. Awareness of ourselves is much more important. I am willing to say, yes, this is how someone may see me in this position, but the actions I take will prove my understanding of the dynamics of being placed in a role of opportunity. Will we abuse our power, or use it as a tool?
The one thing I think most people are concerned with is an ability to shift paradigms of current and stale situations to offer up new change. This word is quite popular right now as our future growth depends on it, but if change is the only thing we can rely upon to be a constant, we need to see the word for the concept it reflects. Change is life.
Sometimes people aren't very fond of change, the only thing we can offer up passively is inspiration. It's been the most difficult part about some roles in my surroundings. I want what I want. I don't always get what I want.
Which is good, because I gain more understanding of the surroundings and can massage the message and ideas submitted to our environment and slowly, I am also able to show the inner workings and reasons why.
This is good. This gives me a chance to put things together and really assess my ability to make a decision that is not only based on sustaining the status quo, but also improve upon the model.
I sense a love letter coming on...
-M
12:21 PM
2. Stretching My Arms Toward The Sun.
Current mood: loved
Asking myself why I've chosen to become a nocturnal creature, whilst living for the Vitamin D enriched fervor of the daylight, I want to know what keeps me coming back when I know our lives are busy enough with everything we have to maintain to keep ourselves steady.
I still hovered within my inability to produce comments important enough to blurt out, and even with the practice, and the hour, and food later, I still couldn't bring myself to be anything more than who I was at the time.
I don't know who that was, and I felt a sense of hidden meanings and motives. While I tossed it out... Why?
Why can't it be? Of course, that answer is obvious, and even a little seemingly unwarranted.
I am a little softer, just as meticulous, just as intrigued, and more curious.
In a world where people don't know what they want and don't know how to go about doing what's next, all I can do is explain the inspiration and the happiness and the warmth and all of it.
It's really not possible for me to speak about anything related to cahonjes when I have a hard time grabbing mine once in a while.
Here I am, a cheerleader, with only momentum under my wings. Whether it comes from the ocean, or the sun, or anything else.
Oh dear, I grip the memory of the satisfaction of being with. Within the group and within the absolute sensation of all comforting in the world.
The shift from being a life force capable of wrestling the world to meet my will has been an activity I have left by the wayside for a while now... I am now taking the back door through the front, and it's the most unusual feeling ever.
The knowledge of knowing I am more than I am capable of being.. I am the drawing, and the motion of the work is complex and difficult to see at times, but when the picture is right in front of me, I see different things every time. I wonder what I will see next.
Maybe a comfortability and an unknown reason for such comfort. I don't need to know everything.
Mystery can be better sometimes, while I elude my own obvious knowledge of a situation. As if my work is based upon the hints I pick up as often as I seem to find an important artifact.
But the context has to be introduced in order for it to flow into an historical confluence with the modern surroundings.
Yeah, I said it would be nice... Yeah, you had agreed, but really that was it... Music is so relevant and words are so much more fluid, and seeps into the earth as it eventually makes its way back to the water table...
Invisible to the many, but the knowledgeable are aware of its trip back into itself.
I will accept the molecules as they are, single atoms, sometimes attached to their momentary projects until the molecule dissolves and flies through the Universe, until it connects with another.
If love were as cut and dried as molecular biology, we would all see the reason and overall outcome of these infinite bodies of individual energies.
And the element of love, would it lose its luster? Or would it be a little more appealing and better understood?
Would I as a molecular object still make the effort to see the likeness or compatibility in those I once saw as being elemental and required?
Would their presumed evolutions and chemical changes affect my origins and destinations as well? Haha.. Of course.
So why? Why do we seek things in others we don't always see in ourselves?
AND - Are we reflective of the molecular bodies around us, or do we PRESUME to see the likenesses of the ones we attract or are attracted to?
Why AM I attracted to the notion of hanging onto a breath, a word, a concept?
What makes me drawn to be more?
When my soul is as vibrant and diverse as the Amazon Rainforest?
The tropical region only here to serve humanity in the ways of a resource, humans cannot seem to leave alone to it's own life-cycles.
What am I, but a source of energy and materials?
Do you see me for anything other than what you can remove from me?
I ask only because I want to know whether you see this beauty, this primal and natural body and spirit?
Do you sense the calming powers of healing I can provide over what the rest of the capitalist world sees as just another region to conquer?
Why should I even have to ask? I think I know you do.
And you also see and know, I can be dangerous as well?
My unknown depths and venomous creatures, only for self preservation, but you must also be aware of where you venture, and be prepared to find the most amazing creatures and unknown mainstream sensations you will ever experience.
But as the Amazon, you must also know, you have only a short time before the damage is irreparable. And I may disappear forever.
You know this. And so I continue to welcome you, for I know you see the perfection in my everything, as the world is mainly without generic descriptions.
In my ability to thrive and live beautifully, my land is being pilfered and destroyed.
I am proud of myself and my culture and history, and stability, but there is only so much I can do to regain my boundaries without the vigilant efforts of others.
The people have to want to bring me back to my majesty.
Otherwise, I will disappear, and need I remind you, the breathable air I produce has helped sustain life for millions of years, and without me, we will all die.
The efforts of the lacking environment will not be able to keep up with the deterioration of the most basic and beautiful of Earthly elements.
It's not really a news flash, is it?
In my reference to my life as being similar to something as powerful and beautiful and amazing as the Amazon, I see the intricacies of my life and who I am and how I feel about how vital my life is in the balance and support of those people around me is such a simple and newborn concept.
It seems almost cliche, but really, if we are all connected, if everything is connected, then it's the most important lesson to learn.
Now, can we redirect?
Or can we salvage?
Or can we survive?
I don't know, but why shouldn't I want to resist the focus of the minimal and extend my love and self out to seek the most precious and beautiful outcome?
Can I live without your support?
Well, can I?
Are you willing to let me go so easily?
Am I worthy enough to be remembered fondly once I'm gone?
So why wouldn't you want to do more than admire me from afar?
And so what difference does it make what others think... If you're willing to love and admire, aren't you also willing to accept your love and appreciation?
You hold a power greater than you could ever know... Imagine the possibilities...
Now see them working successfully the way they're supposed to.
-M
1:44 PM
3. Jeeves, Pass Me My Notebook...
Current mood: adventurous
You'll excuse my pompous moment for a short time, won't you?
Come with me. Enjoy the moment it takes to sequester the motivation to do so.
I'm sitting in a room with a large wooden table, six chairs with lion's etched into the back. Looking out the window overlooking a beautiful meadow in winter, light flakes of snow blow past once in a while, and birds forage on the grounds.
With me, I have my companion; my girlfriend. She's working on her daily routine while we are sitting with three elderly women who seem to be enjoying themselves.
The one in purple reminds me of the book title: "When I'm an old woman, I shall wear purple." She is also holding a wine glass.
The one in the middle, wears purple hair, a green dress and sunglasses. She looks as if she's been working with water colors, as her forearm is covered in green paint.
The other woman, reminds me of the Sargent from Private Benjamin.. The fiery redhead... But she's much older, and she's wearing a red dress.
All of the ladies are wearing round-rimmed glasses, and looking on at us with presumed admiration.
We are all relaxed. A rarity.
Now, the question... Is it live, or is it fantasy?
Where ARE we?
(Hint: It's one of my favorite places.)
Cheers!
-M
2:26 PM
4. Yes, you.
Current mood: enlightened
I have spirit and excitement with you.
My words will be different for everyone, but I just wanted to see how I could possibly tell you in words that I I'm unable to tell you through actions and intentions and experience.
It seems a little challenging. You don't know I'm writing for you. Do it again. I say. We don't seem to stay in the same place for very long, and the time we spend together is filled with entendres and vividly extended glances where we have conversations without saying anything.
I say this a lot.
I sink into the floor for you.
I flow so much more gracefully into you.
Out of you.
You captivate my attention and see me in a light of question, and a desire for understanding, and when you are not there, you are still, there.
You arrive in my thoughts and writing, as if you greet me casually. Letting me know you're here.
I allow you inside the process. Your essence lingers gently; indiscriminately. I feel you, see you.
We laugh about things I wouldn't tell another soul.
I was in a very happy place and I think of it more with endearment and awe than anything.
Like a proud moment. So sweet, so pure. So dear.
It leads me to laugh and you to wonder what you're getting yourself into..
Such the disclaimer is unnecessary, and you should know this. I'm sure you do.
After the conversation and the meditation on the trip back to my yesterday afternoon, the conversation was slightly surprising for myself; but you see me and know what I'm capable of saying, without getting right to the point, and you are charmed by my command as I am yours.
I am warm and not as dry in the softness of your spirit. Even on a midwinter's snow.
Enchantment is peaking, as it does regularly when the world allows us to embrace.
Hard to surprise you, harder to keep you in suspense.
It's always worth it.
-M
4:28 PM
5. The Temperature, High this Morning.
Current mood:ROYALTY.
Awoke in the bed of a King.
(On SO many levels.)
Romantic on a red velvet antique lounger.
Bathed with a Cayman, the reptile.
Dined with the cohabitants of a Black Rabbit.
Kissed in the closet.
(So that's what it's like... )
Sipped the final moments in from the previous eve.
The briefest glance of a Red-Tail.
The feel; so perfect.
Perfectly unplanned.
On the Edge of a field.
In a place I used to dwell frequently.
Regained enchantment.
Priceless, as usual.
-M
8:29 PM
7. What is this feeling?
Current mood: contemplative
A level of vulnerability I rarely ever posses.
The one true moment of stillness in my life, and I wonder about everything.
Where is my joy?
What is my joy?
Why am I asking?
Why am I asking right now?
Because I feel lesser control. It's okay, really.
It gives me some bearing on how much control I usually feel.
When I'm on my game, I revel in motion. I enjoy it.
I will enjoy it.
What did I say a few months back?
This gives me the power to embrace myself..?
For what it's worth, for what, for what..?
For a better search of my soul and my surroundings.
Yeah, it's all just a mantra.
I've come such a long way... Maybe it was time I realized how far I've actually made it.
I've still got more travel through the maze...
I haven't seen the end, and the best part about this is the growth I will see. Everywhere.
Who is that, looking back at me?
... In my own reflection?
Who is that?
5:20 PM
8. People can be such a distraction.
Current mood: fascinated
Love is such a distraction, but I am a huge fan of it.
All the love in the world. All the people.
All the kindness. All the sincerity.
All the ways we can extend ourselves.
We don't need to be resistant to the understanding that our lives become full of appreciation for things we have yet to understand.
Our understanding changes gradually.
Our outlook on those things we share and value are important. So much so.
People. I love people.
I suppose that's easy to say.
I just saw a friend of mine, I stopped her and said hello. I saw some of my old neighbors drive by, trying not to glance over. I saw an old co-worker drive by slowly too. It's definitely a day of special proportions.
As is every day.
I woke up early this morning. The house was quiet.
I got some water and went back to bed to get a little more rest before I had to make my way out.
To venture.
To meander through my simple little world.
To plug myself back into the energy of the world and seek my peace and joy. To ponder the meanings that keep me guessing. About everything.
I can be such a distraction.
I trust it's all for the best though.
I'll finish up all of this and then begin the process again.
I am harbored in a few sacred places.
In a few places people can find me.
In a few places I am invisible. Asking myself everything. And doing things I'm required to do to keep my place and balance. To justify my breath.
To understand that just because I have it to give, I also receive it as well.
In my safe Haven. It's my lighthouse of sorts.
Sometimes the hardest part of the trek is the last few blocks. When I can see the sandwich board. I give myself the pep talk and make it the last few steps.
I'd bet people wonder about why I'm here, but really, is there any better place than that which you are the most comfortable in?
When I can surround myself with warm walls I've helped perpetuate? It's not really rhetorical.
Though I could presumably say these are my walls.
But I have a beautiful view and people are more than welcome to view and visit on the inside.
Wanting more people to come in and sit with me.
And this may be the moment when my friend told me I'd miss her. And I do. She is more than welcome, and so much more.
I know I can only be who I am.
It's hard to become anything more or less.
This place that has granted me so much love.
I love it so. I love it so.
Humbling and serene.
Brilliant and beautiful.
Honest and loyal.
Beloved and sacred.
Soothing and welcoming.
Thank you.
5:08 PM
9. Right now..
Current mood: blessed
I want to cry forever.
There's a barrel of grief over the time I've spent.
Looking back and seeing the fighting.
My fighting against the world. I am grateful for the life I've had.
I wouldn't change it all now, as I wouldn't have when I was on top of it. Even when I wasn't there, I was.
The shape of everything is vast and now, a little more transparent. I think at light speed. I feel everything right now. And I look back on things and think about everything.
I'm in transit.
It's been hard, taking the steps I've taken, pushing so hard against everything.
Directing the world, being a leader. Being a follower.
Seeing everything for what it is. Drive careful, mom.
And keep a puppy for me.
And name it Raichu, like the cartoon character. :)
I love you.
4:43 PM
10. Hey there Duhliluhh...
Current mood: enlightened
I've forgotten how much I love this song lately.
I read Malcom Rollick's latest entry. She is riding a bike from Portland, Oregon to Portland, Maine. It makes me think a lot about the perils I've been going through and it makes me realize how little I have to worry about.
Today for the first time in years, like over 10, I took a bike from the garage and I decided I was going to make the trip to the coffee shop a little easier and quicker.
So I began getting ready at 12:30. The bike had a few flats. I made it to the tire store on Holgate and I filled up my back tire.. I noticed a flat, and I rode the bike to 60th & Tibbetts before I had to stop and carry the bike past Franklin High School.
My muscles were really sore and my breathing was labored so I took it off my shoulder and walked it the rest of the way to Bike Exchange on 50th.
I needed to get a new inter tube. I paid, tipped the mechanic a 5 and then made my way in a very short time to the coffee shop.
Today I am thinking of people and past.
I thought a lot about how my struggle with getting to and from has been excruciating, but worth all the effort. And my 'carma' is paying me back for the last few years. It's alright though. I can learn a great deal about myself in seeing how I deal with situations like this.
I'm bloody and blistered, but it's really not all that bad. Ohh, the tire just blew again while I was sitting here thinking everything was all right... Sigh. What is this? What is going on? Am I asking for this?
It literally just busted.. No weight, no nothing.. No heat..
I've worked down all the things I've wanted to cry over, and this is just another thing.
Not gonna cry over a flat tire. Unbelievable.
Would someone please tell me why I am required to walk? :)
A thousand miles seems pretty far...
I think I killed the battery for the scooter. I plugged the wrong polarities to the charger..
Am I just inept or something?
I've had such difficulties with transportation.. :) Hahah.. Oh well..
At the beginning, I was on my period and everything was breaking. So I posted a message on FB... I'm on my period and my 3 vehicles are down.
One of my friends mentioned I should go buy a box of tampons and get a bike.. Haha.. Well, the period is over.. I got the bike.. And yeah.. hahaha.. Nothing but walking for me. :)
Totally just letting this roll off my back... What am I supposed to do? My options are limited, and I want to do everything on my own... Tough to be independent, but really... What else can you do in this situation? :)
Awwww... Bloody.
Yeah, this ox isn't done with me yet, apparently. :)
I though I had it. Harder, better, faster, stronger. This is certainly it. :)
Well, I've definitely gotten a decent amount of experience recently.. Even if I'm not a yogi yet, I'm certainly on the path to enlightenment.
My shamanism is being tested, and I am willing to do everything. Right now I'm blessing the heart. Mine, yours, ours.
The other night, Rhodie called me.
He's been with me for a while. Certainly the past few days. Just goes to show, love doesn't dissipate just because he's on a different plane.
Seriously though... Why would my tire go flat while I was talking about it being an easier and more efficient mode of transportation..?
My feet don't hurt nearly as much though and I was REALLY gettin' back into it. I used to bike everywhere, I used to fix my own bikes myself...
We used to have a million bikes.. We'd do our own brakes and we'd swap out chains; and I have to say, I much prefer 3 in 1 oil to WD-40... It's just better.
Tightening the brakes with a set of vice grips and an old wrench.
Taking a cloth rag to the chain to get all the rust off, checking the links.. Patching the tubes in soapy water.
Riding my 10 speed to school half way with no hands in 7th grade.
All of our injuries, flipping over the handle bars, cuts, bruises, gashes, infections.. Dirt ramps, bike jumps.. It's a nice visit back. Back when I had to be in charge. Back when I had to take care of the lot of us.
Back when we fought and we shot each other with BB guns and lassooe'd each other running through the living room, and made bows and arrows out of the apple wood in our yard.
The kitchen fire I took the fall for for so many years.
Waving Bye to Nikki's mitt from I-5 @ Kalama.
Making chocolate cake mix with raw egg and eating it raw because it was delicious and available.
Skateboarding before Tony Hawk was popular.
Wanting to be a surfer.
Wanting to snowboard for the high school team.
When Picabo was a kid.
I wanted to make movies and be in a movie co-starring Arnold.
All of these dreams. This is the mundane stuff I don't ever tell anyone else, because I'm so caught up in the now. So... Now IS NOT all I have... I HAVE THEN, too. :)
Everything.
I will love THEN as much as I love NOW.
It's gonna take a little while to catch up.
There's so much to say.
I love my brothers and sisters.
I love my family.
3:14 PM
11. Busting Out Of This Shell.
Current mood: awake
Find me later at a different time and I trust I'll be a little different.
The perils of life and being honest is hard sometimes, but it really isn't when you're understood. The worries I had before are next to void, as my life seems to change on a daily basis. And the work I'm doing now has tremendous effects for the future of our lives.
We have overcome so many difficulties over the past year, and I am no different in this evolution. I sense things on the horizon and the improvement of all things intellectual.
And I was so caught up in believing something more concrete and lasting, though my belief is not limited to my need to be loved and understood; and sometimes in order to love yourself, you need to step out of the picture for a second to figure out the best route to take.
It's a challenge for an individual who feels their life is based upon their expressive output.
This sturdy frame is good for a great many things and my passion for life is abundant and fruitful.
I feel much better today than I had a few days ago, and the ability to work through frustrations and presumed goals is as fluid as the waves I long to return to. I have shed my past. A lot of it.
The past when I was trying to contact people on the other side. It's just a silent lull in my history. The spirits are surrounding me, and I am content with being encircled by the Army of Angels who grace my life.
The main change is my conceptual understanding of the achievements I've made have been mine; perpetuated and cheered on by the phenomenal beings surrounding me. Every step, in pain, in vain or not.
All of them. I sometimes want to stop, or get to my destination easily, but where's the challenge in that.. I've realized I'm not really much of a challenge at times, my drive to remain in motion must be met by my ability to wear myself down to nothing but powered clay, as it is written in the parables of the New Testament.
As I generally tend to want to focus on moving the unmovable. It's not really a challenge anymore..
And is it my drive to move myself forward that is embedded in the concept of moving everything else?
Because I am the unmovable.. This is the next focus.
Maybe this is the one thing I wasn't understanding before.
It's easy to get immersed in life and action and easier with someone by your side, but there was so much I wasn't seeing.. It's interesting. What wasn't I seeing?
I put my Sambas back on today. I couldn't walk in my boots anymore... I've drawn plenty of blood lately, and since the excess has seeped away, it's time to redirect my action and fix myself.
I told myself earlier on I didn't want to get blindsided again... By what I presume a lover's interpersonal interaction to mean to me. I engulf the entire coupling experience. If it's too much for me to handle, I still don't think twice about the concern for my safety and happiness until I have to remedy the pain of the separation.
Quite honestly, I guess I'm still unsure of how to find a person suited perfectly to me. I am hoping I figure out the connection before I'm a 90 year-old. I am so driven to wanting to be in a place where I understand romance. Though, many people say it just happens.
I have been on the romance train for much of my adult life. It's as if it's a type of daily commuter train experience. I get on board and hope to reach my desired destination without veering off course or becoming derailed before I arrive.
The world is so interesting sometimes, isn't it?
Am I able to walk myself into the ground?
Sure, I can do anything... But I haven't yet.
But, I am looking good... And feeling better.
My calves haven't looked this good in a few years..
I've spent this year driving myself into the ground..
I can do nothing but improve myself. :)
It feels really good.
5:35 PM
12. 9,074 views. Total Posts: 355, Over the past week.. Walking.
Current mood: adventurous
I have walked, since.. What Last Monday..?
So average a 3 mile trek per day, and an additional 3 mile jaunts, during the sunny weather..
Times 2. So, 24 + 6 = 30.
I've walked over 30 miles over the course of a week.
I'm feeling a difference.
I'm getting more tired, so I fall asleep as soon as I get my shoes off. But I'm sleeping 10 hours a day.
I'm feeling the difference in my body mass.
It's hard to watch bus after bus go by though sometimes..
Especially when I'm tired and in pain. Since me feet are getting more and more tender, my gait is getting a little different, and I really feel like I need to get out of the house.
So when it takes an hour to walk it, and I always bring my backpack with my stuff and not only am I getting a REALLY good workout, I just saved at least a gallon of gas.
I've been doing a lot of thinking about myself too. Nothing like committing to a long walk and making you listen to yourself.
Yesterday I loaded the backpack with as much stuff as I could load into it.. 'Bout 10 lbs.. I was dragging when I was done.. So tired.. I peeled the sock right off my boot rash.. Then, this morning, I left my foot out so the scab would dry...
Oooh! Mistake number one!! I tried to get out of bed and the pain and the throbbing of trying to stand on my foot was excruciating!
I thought for sure I'd be staying in bed all day, but I need to get out of the house, cause I don't feel like I'm getting any work done when I'm laying in bed, even when all my work is online...
Some psychological thing..?
Besides, I wouldn't be getting in shape if I was laying in bed all day..
Even when my body is begging me for rest...
I've got to get stuff done.. I've got 3 deadlines on the 13th, one on the 15th, I've got to get my next project up and off the ground. I've got a gaggle of DK's and a show in 2 days... Ask me if I have the time to rest...
I love this stuff. :D
I think that goal for the year might actually come to fruition... :)
Taking applications for someone who has as much faith in life as I do...
3:24 PM
13. Downloaded a few songs from the cavern of ghosts...
Current mood:UGH!!!!!! RAWRRRRR... GGGrrrrraaaarrrrrr!!!!!!
I sit here, and my foot is aching.. Walking through all the things I am getting a handle on.
Letting go of the world.
Letting it take care of me.
Receiving gifts..
2 songs worth of grief..
I'll get through it.
Loaded the pack with prob'ly 10 more lbs of stuff, so I wouldn't get cold. I'm walking a lot.
I tell ya.. This is better than other things I could be doing...
Working through my hurt... Cleansing myself...
All these ashes... All this pain. And I still walk through and work through everything, working on getting work. Working on my writing. Working on everything.
Now it's Human. Such a beautiful song.. Makes my cry. I want to. :) It'll make me feel better.
Where I stood.. Huh.. Something I need to get through.. I enjoy playing the one song on repeat until I can no longer stand it...
I've got a little more battery power left on reserve.. Maybe I should plug in...
Tell me why I continue to bring my previous thoughts to the table... Like my feelings are less valid than they were last week... Uhhh... Humans.
They break things and just leave it at that... Taking only what they need... Then casting things aside for what may fit better instead of repairing the minor repair... I've made a commitment recently just to say the things I think should be said..
This leaves me extremely vulnerable, and I'm trusting the comments I've made will be welcomed.
And then, there was something that happened last night... After I left things to the world and believed a miracle could happen, I opened it up to some sort of interpretation from some other level, and the same came up for me. The same feelings... Like I was chasing something I shouldn't even attempt to gain... But, really, where's the fun in that?
And now, so I'm burning myself down to the ground... The Phoenix rise has arrived...And I'm still here.
I don't understand people sometimes...
I only hope they understand me. If they don't, I want them to ask more questions, or at least show some sort of effort to understand me...
Yes, Shawn. You're right. But I'll continue to run myself into the ground. :) If the universe put me here, then there's a reason...
If I'm asking the wrong questions, someone, please explain it to me, cause I've really been working hard on this puzzle and I need to ask. I need to know.
I'm gonna need help with this one.
Blessed eves, all of us.... Good luck to everyone.
Peace.
7:28 PM
14. :D
Current mood: bouncy
It's hard to keep going when I sit still. Quietly.
Wanting to be in the arms of another.
Cause I'm already within my own arms..
Sometimes I want to feel how another holds me.
I think to myself about how I long for the greener pasture.