Memoirs from a Third life
by
Lauren Linton
Copyright Lauren Linton 2010
Smashwords Edition License Notes:
This ebook may only be copied for personal use by the legal purchaser, provided it appears in its entirety without alteration, and the reader is not charged to access it.
I wrote this dramatized account based on some real experiences related to me from a unique person growing up with an unusual difference to most people on the planet. This is their story not mine. All names and identities are fictional and any accidental similarity with anyone known in the public eye is entirely accidental. To protect the identities of those involved, I have used my first pen name alongside the purely fictional last name of Du Clou
This is Lauren Du Clou’s story. I hope you are as fascinated, touched and intrigued as I about this gentle and unique person and their experience of growing up in a world without a box to place their beautiful sensual nature and expression. It will challenge you on many levels and provoke many thoughts but mostly it’s a gentle tale woven and expanded with care around a real person’s experiences, who also wishes to remain anonymous. We felt that while many people from the LGBT community would enjoy and empathize with this story, we also felt the experiences could be of great value to others too. Prepare to enter a gentle twilight zone between the gender norms, a very strange tale indeed.
At times in the course of human existence there arises a curiosity. A reality which defies a rational explanation. A bend in the ‘norm’. Some may look at this as an aberrant mutation, too unique to be taken seriously.
I am not good or bad, right or wrong. Like most of us I have experienced all these dynamics in my own life, in others I have touched or those who have touched me. I have found that conclusions and judgments are mostly irrelevant to the natural processes of life and growth. Things will be what they are by nature. On top of all these attributes which we share, I have some that are simply unique, maybe a blessing and maybe a curse.
At times I know it may shock you, indeed there are many times I have shocked myself! At other times you may hear the faint voice of reason echoing out from the chaos and confusion that can consume our lives. Mostly, I offer you a ride on a different path, a chance to see some moments in another way of being.
My story follows the discoveries and adventures of an ordinary person with an extraordinary tale to tell, one that you may never have experienced before. Is it true? Of course, We have changed the names to protect our privacy but the story is as it stands. Perhaps, you will work it out for yourself but to be honest I will never confirm or deny it’s truth. It will always remain my secret. Everything else I am happy to share with you.
This is a story about growth, change and love of life. Both in my life and society at large. An adventure on the third side of the human coin and a description of the subtle events that led up to a most remarkable and extraordinary change in the order of life.
I was born in France in 1973, in a village overlooking the sea, not far from Marseille. My Mother is French and my Father is from Ireland. We left France when I was six and moved to a town in the south of England. Within driving distance from Gatwick airport, so my father could easily commute. My mother is an actress and my father, a lawyer in the media industry. I had a ‘normal’ childhood until I turned 12, well, as normal as could be expected for the times. Even in my earliest years I was aware of my difference from others. As events unfolded my path became clear.
So, my story begins in my most innocent years. As young beings, we are like half blind caterpillars searching for the day we can change and float away as butterflies. The saving grace of life is that time always moves forward and any hurts, fears and failures can fade into the past. The saving grace of being young is that only the ‘best’ needs to be taken forward on your journey. The choice between which we take and which we leave forms the framework for our lives, the path we choose to travel.
This is how I approached my life. With sensuality, passion and truth. This is what I teach my children, it’s what they will teach my grandchildren and their children’s children too.
At times, there comes a change in the order of life, an oddity occurs. Mostly the change goes unnoticed but sometimes its echoes are heard...
Natalie was probably the most truly beautiful woman I'd ever seen but then I was only twelve at the time! She had blue grey eyes with fine ‘sculptured’ features and shoulder length platinum hair. She always dressed with feminine elegance and style. If you hadn’t met her before you would assume that she was quite conservative, a 1940’s woman reborn, but this was just one of the many illusions she used to disguise the broadness of her being. I learnt much from Natalie. She was quite famous and in many ways she used her appearance to protect her inner self from exposure to the world. I had little idea then of the impact she was to have on my life.
At the time, my life was becoming stranger by the day. I sincerely wish that I had known about my true nature and being from my earliest childhood, rather than to be left with battles that didn’t need to be faced. You see, I was born with a difference to most people. It wasn’t until my teenage years that I finally discovered it’s truth. Rather than tell you now, I think it is better to let you speculate a little, the way I had to… until the events explain it by themselves. This way, you may understand something of the conflicts and assaults I had to face inside me. It may surprise you to know that I was brought up as a boy, though even as I say it now, it seems as though I am talking about someone else. I had no inkling then of how my earliest experiences would influence my life and those around me
My early childhood was actually quite mundane except for my inner conflicts. My friends have told me since, how easy it really was for me… I know they are right, especially when I learnt something of the trials they had to face… they made my own experiences seem quite superficial, almost a suburban neurosis. However, when you are growing up you simply don’t have the knowledge or experience to see past your own reality.
As I look back, I can still feel the pain of wrestling with myself. Struggling with artificial social taboos that had nothing to do with nature expressing it’s true diversity. Battling with a choice of only two sides to a coin, nearly tore me apart. Even as you read this, I know that you will judge me, you may not mean to… but inside, your first impression as you read my earliest discoveries will be to assume that I am just a freak of nature or yet another disturbed personality. One of the many that make up the tapestry of life. Can you show me anyone who isn’t? Can you show me, how anyone who values personal honesty can absorb their mismatches with the directions of our society and not carry some of the scares through life? And if you could, I would ask Why? What for?
In any case, in order to understand something of my personal battles and the way they influenced my destiny, I think it is important to show you one or two of my childhood experiences. It would be too easy to say that they caused the events of my life or even that I attracted them to me. They were simply the cards I was dealt. Some were good and some were… well, let us say, a challenge…
One night my mother and father were out till very late at a party and I was on my own. In a strange fit of adolescent curiosity I wandered into my parents room. I always used to like the smell of perfume and makeup that lingered in the air after my mother had finished dressing to go out in the evening. That night the smell made me unusually curious about gender. Women dress so differently to men and seem to have so much more fun with clothes - well most of the time! For some reason, it seemed so alien from my own relationship with clothes, ignore till they drop!
My mind suddenly interjected with a long forgotten memory of when I used to play dress ups with some of the kids from my parents social set. We had only been in England for a year or two, so I was very keen to please my new friends and my mother was very keen to see me ‘fit in’ with her friends. We had always spoken English around the house as my Father’s French wasn’t so good. Fortunately when you grow up speaking two languages natively, it is very easy to swap between them. Once I was living in England I concentrated on picking up the local accent of my friends. My Mother even changed her stage name to McGuire, though her accent remained fairly strong. Well, she learned when to use it to her advantage!
On this particular day we were playing a game about Pirates and Princesses, I was persuaded to swap my pirates costume with Natalie’s niece, Carolyn. Her dress was a little too small for her and my costume was a little too big for me… in any case she wanted to dress as a boy, the other girls all wanted me to wear the dress too. A fairy princess of all things! I was generally smaller than my friends, it seemed like an innocent request and I liked Carolyn, there something about her that I trusted… so, ‘if the dress fits! etc..’
What surprised me most was the amount of detail I could remember, the swish of lacy material, the softness of the satin, the strange mixture of scratchy discomfort and sensual excitement. I remember really enjoying the experience, while stoically denying it to the boys. The girls were giggling, but supportive, telling me I looked fine, "Yeah!" chirped Carolyn, "You’re better looking than Jane". Laughs all round at Jane’s expense!
We played for an hour or so until Carolyn's mother called us in for something to eat. By then the dress and wig had become like any other clothes to me, totally transparent, that is until I rushed into the kitchen to be greeted by Carolyn's mother.
"I'm sorry, I've forgotten your name dear?" she asked somewhat bemused
"It’s me, Julian, Mrs. Waterford", I replied meekly.
"Julie?, Where did you come from? Did you come with Jane?" she continued.
"No JUliAn! Mrs. Waterford" I protested.
"Oh Julie, Julie Ann - whatever your name is - go and sit over there with the other girls and I'll bring you a drink - Orange alright?" she asked.
"Ah Eh.. ", no matter how hard I tried, I could only muster a pathetic high pitched squeak.
With that all the kids in the room burst into hysterical fits of laughter! Except me (dying with embarrassment).
Mrs. Waterford wheeled around, "What's all the fuss about?" she demanded. By this time the girls were in fits and the boys were all singing in chorus "Julian's a girrrrerl! Julian's a girrrerl!".
"Well of course Julie Ann is a girl you silly children, and she's looks very pretty in that dress" she replied incredulously.
"No I am a boy Mrs. Waterford, really… we were just playing pirates" I pleaded.
"Well you don't look very much like a boy in that dress… can't one of you boys let her have a pirates outfit… I think you might look a little more convincing in a pirates costume rather than a dress! if you want to dress up as a boy!" she finished a little annoyed.
Even more howls of laughter followed, my heart was pounding and my palms were sweaty with the embarrassment of it all. Carolyn finally stopped laughing enough to say "No it’s Julian McGuire Mum! you know, Anna McGuire’s son, he's a boy… not a girl!!"
Mrs. Waterford was duly embarrassed and apologised to me profusely, only to put her foot in it again by saying, "You really do look just like a girl, so pretty", then gasped something that sounded like "I suppose one shouldn't say that about a boy should one?" - I always thought she was a feathered brained sort of a person, but she really didn't mean any harm. The boys and girls mocked support by telling me, "Yeah you look really pretty Julie." Through their giggles
It was all too much for me. I ran to the bathroom in tears, only to be confronted by a full mirrored view of myself standing in that dress - staring back at me from the mirror was a feminine little princess with tears running down her face. The image was a powerful one - at once I tried to tear off the dress but something inside stopped me. No damn it I thought - I'll show them it was only a game. So what if I look like a girl, it is just me in a dress. I thought it was kind of a complement really, Johno would have looked completely stupid! The image forced an unexpected grin onto my tear sodden face.
Just then there was a knock on the door and Mrs. Waterford's voice interrupted my thoughts.
"Julian, are you alright dear? I'm terribly sorry about all that, I've brought your clothes for you, can I come in please?"
I unlatched the door. She immediately gave me a big hug, "I really am very sorry Julie, oh God! I mean Julian" she stumbled. We both burst into laughter at the silliness of her fumbling.
"So you’re feeling a little better now" she asked.
"Yes thanks - a little", I replied.
"Look here's your clothes" she said sympathetically.
"But the game hasn't finished yet", I protested softly.
"What? so you don't mind wearing the dress" she asked a little bemused.
"Well it’s just that if I take it off now", I started carefully, "then the game will stop and all everyone will remember is laughing at me in a dress - and I don't think that's fair. I only wore it because it didn’t fit Carolyn and no one else would. So what if I look like a girl, girls look like girls and no one laughs at them. What's so wrong with looking like a girl? Half the world are girls!" I finished my speech defiantly!
Mrs. W was duly impressed, "Well good on you Julian!", making sure she got my name right! That's a really refreshing attitude… I'll make sure they all thank you for saving the game".
True to her word Mrs. Waterford trumpeted my return and gave everyone a short lecture on not laughing at people and being grateful for other peoples sacrifices. I couldn't have been happier as I stood there proudly in my dress as each of the kids filed past me, muttering apologies and looking at the ground. Finally Carolyn came past and after apologising finished by saying, "But you really do look like a girl Julian, could we please call you Julie just for the rest of the game?" - "Yes please Julie can we?" the other girls chirped in.
"Oh… alright, as long as no one laughs at me again ok?" I said sternly. "No we'll be your best friends - it can be girls against the boys, you can be our leader!".
Mrs. W ushered us all out of the door and told the boys to behave themselves "And No laughing at Julie, I mean Julian! - Oh off you go…".
We all went outside and played till the late afternoon - and for all that time I was Julie and my friends were all girls. At the end of the day I was sad to take off the dress. Without exception the girls came up and thanked me for playing, saying how much they enjoyed their new friend Julie. Jane asked me if I could come over to her place and play as Julie. Her sister Anne Marie said "Yeah I've got a whole lot of clothes from our mum we can play dress ups with". The boys were really quite bemused by this - they left the room feeling very sheepish and it seemed to me that in some strange way they felt a little left out, overlooked or something.
Fortunately, Mrs. Waterford forgot all about the days dramas and talked endlessly to Natalie and my mother about nothing at all as far as I could tell, so my mother didn't find out. That is, until, Jane’s mother rang up the following week saying that Jane had wanted to ask me over. Jane had asked if Julian could come over as Julie!?". She had asked Jane what she was talking about and Jane had told her mother the whole story. Jane’s mother felt, that although it all seemed very harmless, she didn't feel that it was appropriate behaviour to encourage and felt my mother should know.
All these details were relayed in full to me, during one of those painful parent/child, "let's have a talk", sessions.
Why didn't you tell me about it? (Isn't it obvious? now that I've thought about it - I'm terribly embarrassed)
Come on Julian - speak up, I'm not angry with you, you know? I just want to talk to you about it - that's ok isn't it? (my mind immediately began to sense that this was a major incident - I really had stepped off the reality wagon - albeit temporarily)
"You like being dressed as a girl. No?" (Yes - but I don't want to talk about it!)
How much did you like it? (you’re joking!)
No really, I want to know, (ok - It was lovely, it was fantastic, like discovering a new part of yourself, I felt free, relaxed and myself in a way I had never experienced before)
Well, anyway, that’s what I would liked to have said. Instead, I uttered an embarrassed "yes it was ok. I just wanted the game to continue."
My mother replied by saying that If I ever wanted to talk about it to feel free, and that if I ever wanted to play dress ups at home she would find some clothes for me. I feigned disinterest bordering on disgust, hoping that she would drop the whole issue, which by now had skyrocketed in my mind into extreme confusion. One side of me wanted to assassinate that little girls appearance inside me, I was annoyed at her intrusion in my life. The other side of me secretly longed to know more.
The male side won and I was returned to the ranks of ‘normality’ for most of the remaining part of my childhood. On the whole I was too busy with school, art and music lessons to think of anything else. At times though, I would see something feminine in a magazine or on television and my curiosity would return. I really hated my school clothes and often wondered what it would be like to dress like the girls, their clothes seemed so much more comfortable, user friendly. Boy’s clothes spend so much time being functional and long lasting that they completely forget that sensual comfort is part of being human too! I remember getting annoyed that I spent all day wearing trousers simply to take them off at night and step into a new pair to go to bed! I would often strip off my pajamas under the covers so that I could at least give my body some sensual freedom in bed.
My only other feminine experience over these years was during one fateful weekend spent with Natalie while my parents were away. I stayed with Natalie every so often while my mother was working. Mostly these were fun, sometimes Carolyn would come over too. Natalie didn’t have any children of her own and cherished these visits. Unfortunately Carolyn’s family moved overseas and my mother was just doing studio work so she didn’t need to go away as much.
On this particular weekend it was just Natalie and I. While I was walking through the laundry I noticed some of her under things sitting neatly in a pile. I couldn’t resist taking a look. She had excellent taste. Fine slips and satin. I moved one of the slips, as I did, the pile fell over and some of the underwear fell to the floor. I quickly hurried to put it back together, terrified that she might find out. I heard her footsteps nearby. I put the pile was back together but as I rushed to get out of the laundry I noticed a pair of panties still lying on the ground. I had no idea where to put them in the pile so without thinking I stuffed them into my pocket.
A little later I was in my room wondering what to do with them, how to get them back in the pile. I took them out. They were so smooth and silky, pale blue with a lace flower on one side. They were quite large. I couldn’t resist trying them on to see how they felt to wear. I quickly slipped into them. Oh how delicious! Soft, like part of my skin, they seemed to melt around me in a swirl of silk…. Hmm? Should I take them off again? No…they feel too nice!.. I thought she may not even notice they were missing so I went about the day as normal. Natalie and I made some scones together. I had no idea that I had left part of her panties showing above my pants, they were so much bigger than I expected. Natalie must have seen them when I was reaching for the flour. She looked at me quite strangely but didn’t say anything. I had no idea she’d noticed!
A little later Natalie called me into the lounge.
"Come and sit with me Julian" She asked.
I sat next to her on the couch. She always smelt divine and sitting so close to her, while wearing her things so close to me, was a gorgeous feeling. She had some magazines on the table and said she wanted me to help her choose some things. It seemed a little odd but I loved doing things with her so I agreed eagerly. When she opened one of the magazines she stopped on a picture of some women wearing some slips and petticoats.
"Oh they’re lovely aren’t they Julian…What do you think?" She asked, I felt no shyness and told her they were beautiful.
"Do you like pretty things Julian?" She asked
I was slightly shocked, but felt as if it was, just a question, why shouldn’t I like them?
"Yes Natalie, they’re really nice. Girls look really good in them" I replied quite confidently pushing it onto a girl thing and away from any interest of mine.
"I can tell you they feel good too dear! Girls aren’t silly you know!" She replied laughing
She continued browsing through the magazine stopping on some of the women’s clothes and underwear. She kept asking me if liked this one or that one. Then quite suddenly she pointed to one outfit and said,
"You’d look lovely in these? What do you think? I’d love to see you in something like it."
I didn’t know what to say! I feigned disinterest.
"I’ve got some things just like these, would you like to try them on?" She asked as if it was an everyday occurrence.
"Oh No, No. I…. Just think they… look good… that’s all" I replied starting to squirm in my seat!
"Oh go on Julian, it’s ok, admit it, you’d like to wouldn’t you.. they feel lovely. It’s nice to have lovely feelings. Well, I think it is anyway… Anyhow, you’re wearing some of my things now, aren’t you dear?" She replied showing her hand with a broad smile on her face.
"Ah.. No.. No I’m not" I replied in complete fear.
"Sweetie, I’ve seen them! When we were in the kitchen, they’re poking out above your pants dear! You sensual little bunny! Don’t worry, I don’t mind. It would be nice if you asked me but I can understand, I guess it’s not the sort of thing a boy asks is it!…. Come on, I won’t take no for an answer. I want to dress you in some girls things.. You’ll love it. It’ll be fun, just a game!" She finished brightly.
With that she took me by the hand and led me into her dressing room. She made it into a light hearted game, laughing and giggling as she looked for things that were small enough for me. It was like dressing up for a play to her. She found another pair of panties that were smaller and asked me to slip the others off. At first, I didn’t feel embarrassed at all with her. I stood briefly naked before her. Her eyes widened a little as she saw my groin. I felt an immediate pang of shyness, my penis has a tendency to shrink back into itself when I’m cold and I didn’t really have any testicles, just a loose little bit of skin that went down between my legs, with a soft hole inside.
I was teased once at school, I had never even noticed it before and was surprised when I looked at other boys and saw how different they were to me. It was the first time I noticed how different I was from others. When I asked my mother about it, she went quite red in the face. She simply told me that my testicles hadn’t come down yet and that it was quite common, ‘don’t worry, they will as you get older’. I wouldn’t have worried about it at all except for her red face and the way she looked away from me. I assumed that she was just embarrassed and maybe I should have asked my dad instead. She wasn’t normally like that though.
Natalie gave me the other panties and I slipped them on. They were much smaller and slightly elastic but still very soft and quite pretty. They fitted quite firmly around me, smoothing out my shape.
"They fit you really well Julian… even around here." She said as she moved her hand over her own groin. "You’re very….umm …smooth, like a girl, you know… Have you ever asked your mum about it?" She asked with a little caution.
I told her about my experience with her. She said that it didn’t sound like Anna, she’s usually a very open person.
"Yes, that’s probably right, it’s probably just your age, you’re nine aren’t you? I don’t really know much about boys bits!" She finished laughing at herself for some reason.
"Ah well, it’s too bad it’ll change some day, it’s great for dressing as a girl!". She added giggling
And that was is it! Nothing ever was a problem with Natalie, all just part of the ‘to and fro’ of life. She was delightful to be with, leaving you feeling lighter than air.
Eventually, after searching through her things she laid a slip, tights, a white cotton dress and a matching cardigan on the bed. They looked delicious. Before long I was standing dressed completely as a girl again. She gave me a pair of Carolyn’s shoes she still had. I felt fantastic. As I looked into the mirror I saw the Julie side of me smiling back.
This time I was really dressed as a girl not just an old play costume. It felt so much more ‘normal’. Just in different clothes. The dress was a little loose but the cardigan sort of held it together. Natalie buttoned it up to my neck, leaving the skirt to flow out from my hips.
"Oh this is fantastic fun. You make such a good looking girl! I’m really surprised… it really suites you… Do you like it?" Natalie asked as she clasped a small pearl necklace around my neck
"Mm Yes, It’s really nice… sought of free and…. Warm at the same time. Don’t tell anyone will you please Natalie" I asked with worry.
"Oh don’t fret, it’s just between you and I, it’s just a bit of fun… They’re just clothes… enjoy it for awhile. It’s good fun being a girl sometimes, we can do more things together!" She enthused.
Natalie had a way of putting you at ease no matter what the situation. Her light hearted manner made it easy to relax. There was nothing odd about it at all. We were just having a bit of fun together, playing dress ups. It made me feel much better about my previous experience at the Waterford’s house. Somehow being with her was safe and easy.
We spent the rest of the day doing normal things. I really didn’t notice I was dressed any differently after awhile except that I was really comfortable. We had dinner and afterwards she put a little make up on me, just for fun. She kept looking at me with a curious sort of stare.
"Are you enjoying being a girl?" she asked as she squirted a little perfume on me. "It’s fun isn’t it!… you look so lovely" She commented.
I felt lovely too, it was really delightful. The clothes seemed… well… normal… not dress ups. Just clothes, but there was something about the way they fitted that made me feel good… almost like an old memory or something. A part of me that I had always known… but for some reason wasn’t part of my life.
We watched television until my bed time. Natalie presented me with one of her shorter nighties to sleep in, though it still reached passed my knees! It was very elegant with thin straps, more like a petticoat. I eagerly tried it on and slept in a cocoon of sensual comfort. There was utterly no comparison between this delicious silky night dress and my scratchy old pajamas! I would have adored sleeping in it every night!
The next day she suggested that I dress in the same clothes again. It seemed so natural with her, she didn’t treat me any differently except that it removed a barrier between us. I felt much easier with myself, easier to laugh and giggle with her. She had great fun ‘taking off’ some of her actor friends, particularly the women. She was so funny to be around, full of jokes. Later in the afternoon she took me upstairs to show me some of her stage costumes and clothes. Some of the dresses were just divine. She had some of the most delicious gowns I’d ever seen. We both tried a few on, Natalie looked stunning in them but they were far too big for me… I just looked a little silly but they felt gorgeous, surrounding me in silk and scents. In a strange way they felt familiar too… as if I had worn them before. However, they still seemed like ‘dress ups’ and when I changed back into my cotton dress again I felt quite normal! As though they were my ordinary day to day clothes… I wished they were!
The following day Natalie had to go out and I had to go to home again, so there was no chance to do it again. I would have loved to dress again as Julie but to Natalie, that was ‘yesterday’ and today is ‘today’ so the thought didn’t even cross her mind. However it left a huge impression on my mind. It relieved so much worry from my inner feelings about my previous experience. It was just fun, that’s all, nothing to think twice about.
I always admired Natalie for her attitudes. Just her presence could put you instantly at ease and now with hardly any effort she had put the whole thing into perspective for me. This is not how I felt with my mother, for some reason I sensed that it was a much bigger thing with her. The thought of letting my mother see me dressed up still filled me with horror. It sort of meant more with her, with Natalie it really didn’t matter one way or the other. Natalie easily became my favourite adult.
Just as my memories were starting to fade I heard a strange whooshing sound - my heart missed a beat! I was standing in my parents dressing room looking towards my mother’s clothes. She had some really beautiful dresses… I loved the way they looked and felt. I didn't know where the noise had come from and all at once realised that I was in danger of being caught. SHOCK, I started to run from the room… out of the corner of my eye, I noticed that one of the dresses had fallen off its hanger. I rushed to pick it up fearing that my parents would think I’d been trying on girls clothes again! My heart shrieked inside my chest, how unfair that would be!. In a flash of inspiration I realised that the whooshing sound I’d heard was only the sound of the dress falling to the floor. My relief was almost instant.
As I moved to replace the dress, I began to think how unfair it was, that I should be so scared of being caught having these feelings. Wait on, what feelings? Caught? caught doing what? - but - What WAS I doing standing in my mother’s dressing room? I didn't have an answer. I was just idly relaxing and being myself. Yet in some strange way I didn't really understand at the time, I was looking for something… something that I could sense but not connect with. Something I knew I had, but had lost or misplaced. I felt suddenly lonely and scared. I replaced the dress and hurried back into the lounge room.
As I watched the television, my mind was in turmoil. What's wrong with me!? I'm turning into a weirdo (a concept I had only learnt after my first experience). I berated myself. I tried everything to rationalise the chaos of emotions racing around my head. It’s my age, all guys probably feel like this sometimes… after all boys are attracted to femininity.... None of these thoughts were enough to convince me. I knew deep in my heart that I wanted to be Julie again, I missed her.... After what seemed like a mini lifetime ago, the part of me that I had lived, for the briefest of moments at the Waterford’s and especially with Natalie, was still there waiting to be visited. I broke into tears as a flood of pent up feelings and repression's rushed through me. They emptied from my sub conscious into my conscious mind in waves. The repression of any remotely feminine feeling within me. The denial when I'd find myself admiring a feminine outfit and wondering how it would look and feel on me. The times my natural instincts were held back in favour of not behaving ‘inappropriately’ for my gender. A pressure that came equally from males and females.
I began to realise that for as long as I could remember, I had seen the world through feminine eyes, then denied the very feelings and impressions that were part of me. Did that make me a classified ‘weirdo’, did I want to become a girl - No, in myself I was already part girl, how much I wasn't sure because I had never given myself a chance to find out. I didn't have to become anything other than I was already, this Julie thing wasn't something I wanted to become, far from it. It was the constant act of not being ‘part’ "Julie" that caused me so much anxiety.
After the tears subsided I wandered back into my mother’s room. The dress I had re hung had fallen once again, it lay there softly. The light playing on the blackness of the material made it appear to recede softly in and out of view in the darkness of the corner. Half in view and half out of view, much like myself it seemed.
I picked it up slowly and felt it against me, it’s perfumed scent surrounded me. I held it up in front of me and looked into the mirror. There She was again, my feminine self. The Julie part of Julian.
I had to put it on, it no longer made sense not too. I quickly stripped off my boys clothes, unzipped the dress and stepped into it. The silky lining of the dress felt cold against my bare skin as I slipped it over my body. It fitted perfectly.. or so it seemed! I felt a thrill of self assurance as the dress warmed to my body.
I decided to dress completely as a woman and had great fun searching out all the things I needed. I opened up my mother’s underwear draw and took a breath as I saw the sea of satin, lace and frills greeting my eyes. I just wanted to dive into the draw and roll around in all that silky fabric surrounded by lace.
Imagine being able to wear these things all the time! I felt a pang of envy run through me. I felt shut out of my own feelings, what was perfectly acceptable for half the world was denied to me simply because I was born male - it really didn't make any sense to me.
I carefully lifted out what looked like some panties, white satin with lace trim around the legs. I carefully slipped them on, treating them with utmost care lest their etheric beauty be shattered and fall apart.
I slid into them… what a delicious feeling… bringing back memories from my experience with Natalie. I tucked myself inside them and gasped slightly as the extreme silkiness of the material slipped over the tip of my maleness. Without hesitating my hands reached carefully back into the draw. This time returning with a matching satin bra. I reached in again and found a slip that sort of matched. It was white with a pink floral print. I placed them on the bed while I slipped the dress off again. Eventually, I worked out an awkward method of putting on the bra and fastening it at the back.
Getting dressed as a woman is a totally different experience to dressing as a man. With a man it’s all over in as short a time as possible so he can get on with the day, as a woman it can be part of the day’s activities! A part that I felt left out of before.
The bra had a very strange effect on me, I became aware of the top part of my body. I felt secure, like wearing armour in a funny way. My femininity was proudly defined and yet safe and protected. Next, I slid into the petticoat - it slipped over my panties with an almost embarrassing silkiness as the two fabrics slid over each other. Every time I moved I could feel the petticoat slipping over my panties, as the bra emphasized my nonexistent breasts. It was the most deliciously comfortable feeling. After briefly admiring my new found feminine reflection, I slipped the dress on again and with some contortion managed to zip it up all the way. I was reminded again of the curious mixture of comfort and discomfort from the clothes.
I still didn't feel quite complete. My legs were a little cold and my feet were bare. I searched around and found some stockings and next to them a pretty stringy thing with clips. Then I remembered a picture in a magazine at Natalie’s I had seen of a girl with stockings on and guessed that it must hold the stockings. It took me ages to get it on properly. I slid the stockings over my legs one at a time, sending tingles through to my spine. Eventually I managed to work out how to fasten the stocking tops to the suspender belt! I stood up and straightened my dress. I felt complete, so familiar and yet alien, brand new. I went to the shoe rack and found some matching black heels. Would they fit? Everything else had. My feet were small for a boy. I stepped into them one at a time… Yes they fitted, a little loose actually… but who cares! Triumph! I had done it. I was dressed like a woman from head to toe. The only masculine thing on me was my penis and it was hidden comfortably beneath layers of silky femininity.
I brushed my longish hair... As I flicked it back I caught a sight of myself in the mirror. My hair complimented the effect perfectly. The image in the mirror was no longer that of a little girl dressing up. It was an attractive young teenager looking back at me. Julie was growing up too! It felt so good to be this part of myself again. I was elated. I finished the effect with a little base and some lipstick I found in my mother’s makeup draw. I had seen her ‘putting on her face’ and it seemed pretty easy to me… I was quite good at painting and drawing so it felt very natural… I had such a lot of fun!
I know that, if you have never had these feelings, you may wonder why they were so attractive to me? You might assume, it’s just the early beginnings of a male fetish. All I can say is… imagine if you were a girl and had always been made to wear boy’s clothes, made to feel ashamed of any feminine thought… how might you feel?
I rummaged a little and found some silver earrings, with a dark ruby stone in the centre. I clipped them in place. What a knock out! I was ready for anything! All dressed up and nowhere to go! I felt another pang of envy that my mother and her friends were able to do this whenever they felt like it, a natural sensual experience. Well, natural if you’re female and somehow unnatural if you’re male… how absurd!
I made sure that nothing had been disturbed and went back into the lounge to watch some more television.
I felt fantastic as I walked, the feel of stockings inside shoes was strangely familiar, the comfort and sensuality of the beautiful black woolen dress complemented the silky warmth of my slip and panties. The scent of makeup and the feel of the lipstick on my lips made me feel complete, a warm glow seemed to have been released inside me. I felt free again.
I had a couple of hours at least before my parents would return and felt confident I could take it all off in plenty of time before they returned from their party. Sitting there on the couch watching the TV, I felt more comfortable and relaxed than I had felt since spending that weekend with Natalie. I was laughing and giggling at the commercials and the comedy shows. In fact I felt so cozy that as I stretched out slowly on the couch enjoying every silky, woolly movement I began to doze in and out of a soft silky sleep. Before I could do anything to prevent it, I fell quite blissfully into a deep sleep…
I was brought back to consciousness by the sound of my mother’s voice quite close to me! At first, I had forgotten completely about the way I was dressed, "Hi… Mum…" I murmured contentedly, genuinely happy to see her.
"Julian… My God!, you've got my clothes on! Oh!, I thought this might happen one day!" She exclaimed.
My brain attempted to scramble from its blissful relaxed state instantly into alarm. My worst nightmare had just visited me! Just at the moment of such harmony, how cruel! I was exposed, stripped of my masks - The girl was out.
"Oh God Mum - I'm Sorry - I'm really embarrassed." I muttered nervously
"I thought there was more to that incident at Marge Waterford's house… Thank God your father isn't back yet. We had to pick his car up from the office. Quickly, go into your room before he comes back. I'll bring you something to remove your make up. She said, snapping instantly into motherly protection
I raced into my room and sat on my bed in utter dismay! How could something so simple and harmless cause such a commotion! It was beyond me.
Shortly, my mother came into my room. Don't worry darling, I'm not angry. I can understand it, more than you know… you're my child and I love you, she said gently.
But what if I'm your daughter as well? I replied with honest despondency.
A long, silent, painful, pause followed....
The air was charged with an electric energy between us. My mother looked at me, then looked away again. Then looked back once more. I could almost see the jungle of thoughts churning over in her head!…. and… for some reason… a tear in her eye Finally after a few powerful minutes with my fate hanging in the balance, she spoke again.
"Stand up Julie. I want to see what you look like" she urged.
Did I hear that correctly, Did she just call me Julie?
I stood up and she looked me up and down.
"Turn around for me", she asked.
Not bad… Not bad at all, your lipstick is even just on your lips! What am I saying… You look quite lovely! I really had no idea you would look so pretty. You certainly don't look like a boy in a dress… Good taste too, my favourite little black dress and my favourite shoes.
I smiled nervously.
"Are you wearing my underwear?" she inquired with the tiniest hint of raised eyebrow.
"Yes…", I murmured with quiet embarrassment
"Hold on a min.....", she slipped out of the room and returned a few moments later with a beautiful white nightdress and dressing gown.
"Here you are, why don't you wear this to bed. No one will know if you sleep in a nightie. Your father is gone before you get up!" she enthused.
"Oh thanks mum!" I gushed. I was really touched by her compassion.
"Now, I think it’s time you went to bed. So off with those clothes and the makeup - leave the clothes here darling, I'll pick them up in the morning. Pop the nightie on, have a lovely sleep and don't worry. We'll talk about it in the morning, Yes?", she finished.
Who was I to argue! She kissed me differently to the way she normally does, sort of closer and yet in a more sisterly way.
I slipped out of the clothes and tried on the night dress, it was really beautiful with short lace edged sleeves and a loose diamond shaped neckline. I slipped silkily into bed, my mind buzzing with the events of the night and my body lapping up the long lost feelings. I snuggled up in my nightie feeling happy in myself.
I awoke later than usual the following morning, at first I had forgotten all about the previous nights events. I felt different, sort of warm and contented inside. I rolled over and stretched my body. I quickly became aware of the material surrounding me. I opened my eyes, lifted the covers and looked down at myself. Oh God! It’s true! Merde! I'm wearing a nightie again. I glanced around the room, my eyes were arrested by a neat pile of women's clothes resting on my chair. The stockings were hanging down loosely over a pile of satin and lace. The sun was peeking in through the side of the blind playing on the pile of clothes, spotlighting them in the darkness of the room. The satin material was glinting with the light.
I fell back in bed, stunned. My mind raced, What happens now? What is my father going to say? How can I face my mother wearing this nightie. Did she really see me like that last night, of course she did stupid! God you've really blown it this time! It will be off to a shrink for sure! A weirdo, a pervert, I want to die!
Knock, Knock… "Wake up darling! Stop hiding in there. Put on my dressing gown and come and have some breakfast, don't worry it’s alright!" she said reassuringly.
I rose and put the dressing gown on over my night dress, I brushed my hair and as I flicked it back I saw myself in the mirror, I had forgotten to take off the makeup and my lips were still stained with lipstick... Julie, was alive and well. I left my room and headed towards the kitchen. Our cat greeted me at the doorway and rubbed himself against me as he meowed, making it quite clear that he hadn't noticed anything much at all really! George, the dog, greeted me as he normally did, without a second glance. Just as I finished patting him, my mother arrived.
"Hi Julian, you look lovely! have you brushed your hair?" she asked brightly.
"Yes, just then", I replied sheepishly.
"Well, there is another side to you, isn't there! ha ha" she laughed
"All these years I've been trying to make you take an interest in yourself, all I had to do was appeal to your feminine side!!"
I laughed with her and we embraced each other.
My laughter soon turned to tears with the emotional rush of it all.
I'm sorry mum, I didn't know I was like this, I tried to hide it, I just couldn't do it any longer" I sobbed and sobbed.
When my tears dried we talked over breakfast almost till lunchtime. There was so much we had never said to each other before. I learnt a little more about her as a person rather than just my mother. We bonded in a new way, we sort of established the basis for a new relationship. In some ways a part of Julian died that day, in other ways Julian became his complete and true self and that self was made whole by the expression of Julie.
We agreed that I should be able to ‘cross dress’ every so often, to make it a natural event rather than hiding my feelings… but I would take it slowly while I discovered for myself how much of Julie I needed to express. Mum said she would talk to Dad, but that he would need time to take it in and to come to terms with it. We both felt that it was pointless telling him before I had a chance to come to terms with it in myself.
Mum went on to say, Dad was on one of his many business trips and wouldn't be back till the next day, so if I wanted to, I could dress as Julie for the rest of the day! I showered and went back to my room. My mother had laid out some clothes for me. She came in and said I could pick some others if I didn't like them. She said she enjoyed picking out things she thought would look good on me. She had chosen well, a shortish burgundy skirt, with a pearl coloured silk shirt. The skirt had a matching jacket. Both the skirt and the jacket were lined. My mother had quite a taste for clothes and always looked fantastic. She picked up the underwear from last night saying I had hardly worn it. She replaced the black heels and stockings with a pair of burgundy flat heeled shoes and pantyhose, they certainly were a lot more comfortable and looked great with my outfit.
Mum suggested that it would be better if I learnt to dress ‘normally’, like a girl of my own age rather than dressing up in her clothes, and added that if she thought I looked ‘ok’ we would go out shopping together, so I could buy a few things of my own. We really had a great time, she did a fantastic job with just the tiniest hint of makeup! I felt a million dollars. My face was quite feminine by nature and I had often had people tell me so, to my embarrassment! With a little make up on, my femininity was completely exposed! As I peered at the reflection of my image in the mirror I was surprised at how abnormally ‘normal’ I looked and felt! Like any other well dressed 12 year old girl! The cut of the clothes had completely hidden any trace of my male side.
After I had finished dressing, my mother had me walk for her... I laughed a lot but I felt so natural it all seemed easy, after all I was just being myself. In some ways I found it easier than pretending to be good o'l Julian. I was shorter than my mother but the clothes still looked ok, we had a similar build with the obvious exceptions!
"Well....", she started, "Let's go shopping!" A moment of terror ran through me! What? face the world like this?. "What if someone finds out". I asked nervously. "Julie, my dear girl, you look absolutely fantastic! The biggest problem you'll have is dealing with boys eyes looking at you!" she said with a great deal more confidence than I could muster! OH no, this is a whole new world! I was very worried. "Just let me do all the talking, pretend you’re shy or something. If anyone asks a question pretend you don't speak English! Speak French. The English hate that!" she exclaimed with a laugh.
My Mother is a professional actress and it seemed to me that she saw the adventure as simply a role to be explored and enjoyed. It gave her a great thrill, a challenge to be tackled with verve and excitement! She also appeared to be satisfying her own desires, both by going out shopping with her ‘daughter’ and to see the ‘actress’ in me perform.
I walked more than a little nervously down the stairs and outside to the car. It was one of those greyish, cloudy days with an occasional hint of the passing winter left in the air. The feel of the breeze on my stocking clad legs gave me a surprise. No wonder girls complain about feeling cold all the time! I opened the car door and sat in the passenger seat. I felt safe inside the car. I had the most odd sensation as I sat in the car seat waiting for my mother, I felt physically smaller or lighter than I did before. I was used to being in the car with her… but that day the car seemed bigger somehow and I felt smaller. My sense of smell and general awareness seemed heightened, probably a classic fear reaction! The smell of the upholstery mingled with the scent of makeup and perfume. The world felt different, I was about to visit an alternate world, one I had not been part of before but one that by nature was part of me.
My thoughts were interrupted by my mother getting into the car. "Let's Go!" she announced. We drove off to a shopping centre I had never been to before. I guess my mother was hedging her bets, in the hope that we wouldn’t run into anyone we knew!
Once we were inside the centre I felt completely relaxed. No one seemed to give me a second look. The other thing I noticed was the amount of mothers and daughters out shopping together, I had never been aware of it before. A few of the girls smiled sweetly at me as we brushed passed the racks of clothes, at first I thought it was because they knew I was a boy but it seemed they were just being friendly. We had a fantastic time, my mother was very generous. She spent far too much buying things that I wouldn't have thought of.
At one store my mother was holding up a dress against me trying to decide whether it suited me. A girl next to me started to hassle her mother saying.
"See that dress, that’s what I like, like that girl, it really suites her." Her mother came over and chatted briefly with my mother. Her daughter came over to me and said "Try it on, I love the colour it’ll look great on you! I want one too!" I felt a little embarrassed but smiled back and said "Thanks, I’m sure it would suit you too".