101
Politically Incorrect
Limericks
Volume One
by
Gary Kuyper
CONTAINS
SNLV
FOR MATURE READERS ONLY!
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Copyright © Gary van Nikkelen Kuyper 2010
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual people living or dead, events or locales, is entirely coincidental
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ISBN 1 45388 786 5
DEDICATION
For my very good friend, Vincent Butler
INTRO
I have here some brand new ditties
From old and not-so-old cities
They mostly contain
Stuff to warp your brain
Such as sex, violence, language and nudities
FOREWORD
From Sydney to old Essex
Comes this collection that prudes will vex
Be forewarned to refrain
For it doth mostly contain
Violence, nudity, language and sex
HISTORY
The Limerick was originally known as Nonsense Verse and was popularized by Edward Lear in the 19th century.
Contrary to popular belief, the Limerick did not find its origins in the Irish county of the same name, but in the fact that many of the early Nonsense Verses included the refrain, ‘Won’t you come to Limerick.’
Basically, a Limerick is a five-line poem in anapestic or amphibrachic meter with a strict rhyme scheme viz. AABBA i.e. the 1st, 2nd and 5th stanzas rhyming with each other, with the 3rd and 4th having their own rhyme scheme.
The first line traditionally introduces a person and a place, with the place appearing at the end of the first line and establishing the rhyme scheme for the second and fifth lines. In early limericks, the last line was often essentially a repeat of the first line, although this is no longer customary.
The Limerick is intentionally witty or humorous, and is sometimes obscene with humorous intent.
Gershon Legman, renowned for compiling the largest and most scholarly anthology, held that the true limerick as a folk form is always obscene, and cites similar opinions by Arnold Bennett and George Bernard Shaw, describing the clean limerick as a periodic fad and object of magazine contests, rarely rising above mediocrity (See DEFINITION). From a folkloric point of view, the form is essentially transgressive; violation of taboo is part of its function.
DEFINITION
The limerick packs laughs anatomical
In a space that is quite economical
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical
# # #
101
Politically Incorrect
Limericks
Volume One
If you consider the names in the ivory tower
This is most definitely America’s darkest hour
This might sound lewd
But we’re definitely screwed
With a Dick and a Bush wielding power
The altar boy awoke in his bed
To the sensation of getting good head
But upon lifting the cover
To his dismay did discover
It was the local vicar called Ned
A man by name of Bin Ladin
Awoke with a very large hard on
“Come and see
My WMD!”
He shouted naked in the garden
A daring young lady called Violet
Had ambitions to become a jet pilot
When the general replied,
“Your request is denied.”
She told him just where he could file it!
Moaned the captain of the elite S.W.A.T.,
“From the mayor new orders I’ve got
He seems rather keen
To form The Women’s Action Team
And then to duly name it T.W.A.T.”
A fanatic from old Iraq
Strapped a nuclear device to his back
His voice he raised
Crying, “Allah, be praised!”
And blew the doors off his shack
Sir Galahad the brave handsome knight
Killed the dragon in a formidable fight
But on exiting the dark lair
Discovered the damsel fair
To be an ugly old bitchy transvestite
The president, name of Obama
Wrote, “Desperately seeking Osama
Good info I’ll laud
With a large reward
If it ends this ongoing drama.”
A dying monk called Chong Lee
Said, “See ya all tomorrow at tea.”
When the brothers all cried,
“Before then you’ll have died.”
He said, “Yes, but I’ll be reincarnated by three.”
Her hubby came sooner than later
“One outta ten’s what I rate yer
You’re useless in bed
So tomorrow instead
I’ll be usin’ my six-speed vibrator.”
Bill, known better as the big boss
Was asked by Hillary fuming cross,
“What’s wrong with your dick?
It looks kind of slick
And has the color of Monica’s lip gloss.”
The argument between Yoda and Vader
Was about who had the longest light saber
But when the Jedi pulled his out
A storm trooper did shout,
“I’ve picked up something nasty on the radar!”
A man’s most amazing art
Took him straight to the top of the chart
Although, most thought it obscene
He could play, ‘God save the Queen!’
In a solitary single long fart
The headline in the daily paper
Told of a daring robbery caper
And a lady who complained
That she felt so ashamed
When the thieves had refused to rape ‘er
The habit of Joseph the Baker
Is sure to shock and to shake ya
If his wife says, “Joe,
I told you, ‘No!’”
He’ll just spread her legs and make her
After catching his butt-ugly wife Sue
At it with his best friend Stu
George shook his head
Then calmly said,
“I have to, but do you?”
A man with one shoe undone
Tripped while on a fun run
When a spectator said, “Tie it!”
He answered, “I’d try it,
But on the sole is written ‘Taiwan.’”
It was going well
Till the teacher did yell,
“I did not intend
You to expose your end
When I said, ‘It’s show and tell!’”
A Mauritanian lady called Denise
Had a husband who preferred her obese
He’d ram a large funnel
Down her throat tunnel
And feed her like the foie gras geese
The bullfrog to the princess did sob
I’m actually the handsome prince Rob
But when her kiss failed
The horny toad wailed
Maybe next we should try a blowjob
An Olympic swimmer from Zaire
Won gold medals by means most unfair
Her rivals were hoping
She’d be nicked for doping
When, in fact, she’d inflated her tits with air
A large lady from downtown Manhattan
Covered her bed in silky smooth satin
But it caused her to slide
Over the side
And her fat Persian cat she did flatten
A naïve cowboy called Dan
Tried his first muff on old Pam
He cried in a fit,
“It tastes just like shit!”
She replied, “’Cause you need to go west, young man.”
The suspects were forced to strip bare
Till the abused victim cried, “I swear
It’s him, third from the left
Guilty of raping and theft
I’d recognize his bent crowbar anywhere!”
A General known better as Stan
Formulated a crystal plan
He would hire thugs
To protect his drugs
And retire as king of Afghanistan
There was a young man from down under
Whose farts were louder than thunder
He met his death
When he held his breath
And blew his two cheeks far asunder
A high diver from Peru
Attempted to try something new
But on his bath’s rim he slipped
Over he flipped
And got his head stuck in the loo
A vicar from Gillingham Homestead
To the attractive young organist said,
“I’ll pay you quite well
To also ring my bell.”
So she proceeded to give him some head
There was a man from Calcutta
A real and genuine nutter
By jumping, it would seem
After consuming much cream
Could shit bricks of premium butter
A nudist from upper Peking
Went to town on a serious fling
I must declare
It was a sad affair
When a snake charmer charmed off his thing
There was a silly flea
Who set out to cross the Black Sea
When he reached the other side
He hung his head and cried,
“It was just a fucking cup of tea!”
When asking a botanist fella
Why he called his new hybrid Mandela
He answered quite plainly