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Is it coz I is a Muslim?
A collection of poetry ‘n’ tings
Written by Mahtab Khan
Illustrated by Donna Skidmore
Published by Change Agency at Smashwords
Copyright 2010 Change Agency
ISBN 978 0 9553290 1 2
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
About the author
Mahtab Khan has pulled together a selection of works he has performed at Edinburgh Fringe and on his radio shows. Born partially sighted Mahtab’s late discovery of literature has led him towards poetry and comedy – here he combines both. Humorously illustrated by his Reader and Support Worker, Donna Skidmore, the book takes both a satirical and ‘dark’ look at being a Muslim in today’s world.
The further you look, the less you can see.
His one hour family friendly set is a humorous and entertaining mix of readings, music and spoken word catering for Muslims and non-Muslims alike.
For bookings please contact info@the-change-agency.co.uk
About the book
Shortlisted for the Muslim Writers Award 2008, this book is exactly as the title says – a collection of poems ‘n’ tings from the perspective of a 2nd generation Pakistani born into a Muslim family in the UK.
Also by this author: The A to Z of all things Asian
Is it coz I is a Muslim?
On my way to work
You size me up on the train
Is it coz I is a Muslim?
At elevensies you eat your bacon sarnie
So the stench fills up my nostrils
Is it coz I is a Muslim?
I go to buy my sweet treat
To chew throughout the day
And you’ve laced it with gelatine and pigs gut
Is it coz I is a Muslim?
I go to visit my friend in hospital
And you insist I wash my hands in alcohol
Is it coz I is a Muslim?
Ah a packet of tortillas on my way home
That’d be nice – well perhaps not
They’re produced using 0.2% alcohol
Is it coz I is a Muslim?
I get home and switch on the telly
There’s a headline about bombs being made
Out of chapatti flour and hydrogen peroxide
That means that I can’t date that
Fit blonde hairdresser down the road
That is coz I is a Muslim
Mr Brown and Ms White
Mr Brown and Ms White
See they went out one night
But Ms White see
She got into a fight
They were sharing their McFlurry
To cool down from that lovely curry
When a year 10 glue sniffer
Adjudged their relationship improper
He threw stones in their direction
Reducing the blood pressure in Mr Brown’s intention!
It was only after the 2nd hit
That Ms White threw a Kung Fu fit
There’s a year 10 cold turkey in hospital now
And Ms White’s been arrested for her whizh shoo pow
Ms White and Mr Brown
See they no longer go out
Once the sun’s gone down
Confused Omar – aged 11
Papa’s in the kitchen,
Mixing up chapatti flour.
While mama’s in the salon,
Turning everyone blonde
Wot am I ta fink?
Wot am I ta do?
Ma bruver’s grown a beard
(somefing my older sister has shared)
Their musical taste is equally
AH AH AH AAAHHH weird
Wot am I ta fink?
Wot am I ta do?
Uncle’s in da allotment,
He grows plants in compost
Oh no isn’t that the same as fertiliser?
Wot am I ta fink?
Wot am I ta do?
Ma Aunty who’s a doctar
Asked me to put her case in da boot of her car
Tucked away in da back
I saw a gas canistar
Wot am I ta fink?
Wot am I ta do?
I know what, I’ll phone a helpline
Parentline, na
Childline, na
Anti Terror hotline, that’ll be the one
I know wot I fink!
I know wot I’ll do!
It wasn’t a terror plot
In the making
They were living their lives
In Great Britain
Wot was I ta fink?
Wot was I ta do?
Muslim paranoia
Is it me that’s paranoid?
All I wanna do is play Asteroids
But I’m worried they’ll fink
I was terrorist training
All I wanna do is to make a bang
In the back garden’ll do, like they do on Brainiac
But I’m worried they’ll fink
I was terrorist training
I remember it all started when I was a kid
Seeing a plane fly overhead, finking it’s engines were missiles
I asked dad to show me a close-up of a plane on the internet
He didn’t – I fink he worried bout vem finking
It was terrorist training
When I asked Imran’s mum if we could go paintballing
She said “no, no, no,”
She woz worried people might fink
It was terrorist training.
Umm my holiday pics of Big Ben and the London Eye
I hope they don’t think it’s reconnaissance
NVQ part 2 of the
Terrorist training!
Is it me that’s paranoid? Or just us?
Arranged Family Marriages
I’m a DJ me
I like to play music see
Coz I can’t do singing see
I’m a DJ me
Turn it around and it’s JD
That’s the name of a whisky
So is Johnny Walker and Teachers and Dimple
I wonder why they name whiskies after people?
Teachers and Johnny Walker
I’m told that them is FIREWATER
Dimple, Dinky, Pinky and Puppoo them is all my cousins see
And they all look just like me!
They all have different personalities though,
Quite where that came from, I don’t know
Coz our gene pool is shrinking I’m told,
But I have thick black hair and my dad was bald!!
Though it could be why the royal family look like horses
Horses for courses where they own the horses.
This is not meant to be an anti-establishment poem.
ARRANGED FAMILY MARRIAGES – they’re more common than you might think!
To: H M Treasury
cc: Ministry of Defence
bcc: Foreign Office
Subject: Fiscal thinking
Some people don’t use the right tool for the right job!
Then when it comes to it they fiddle and they juggle
And they weave and they bob
You know that to slice a loaf
You don’t use a cheese knife or carving knife or both!
But though they’ve got the tool, they’re lacking the wisdom
Or maybe they’ve got the ‘can’t be bovered’ syndrome?
Like money comes with earning
Wisdom comes through learning
Put down those weapons that destroy en mass
And impose a weapons manufacturer’s windfall tax!
Muslim colleague @ works do
S’wot dya do for Eid then
Go out for a drink wiv ya mates?
Here’s a bottle of wine, we all clubbed together
You can have that if you’re up ‘til late
We know you don’t do Christmas
But we thought we’d do it coz you’re one of us
In comes the stripogram
Dressed in a police uniform
Out comes the embarrassment
At being proud to work for this establishment
Wax works
There once was a man
And he did this
And he did that
And then he was no more
There was another man
And he said this
And he said that
And then he was no more
A woman came along
And she said this
And she said that
And they burned her on frenzied flame
Another woman came along
And she did this
And she did that
And they made a wax model of this Dame
Money
Today my son said
Can I have £5 please daddy?
£4, I said?
What do you want £3 for?
Here you are have 2…
…
…
…
…and give me one back.
