Rock Star Diet
By John Blandly
Copyright 2011 by J. J. Brearton
Smashwords edition
How To Live Long And Prosper Like A Rock Star
Me new star celebrity doctor is fantastico.
Image via wikipedia
Me good fiends, Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, Pink and Gwen Stefani recommended a new doctor for me–I am so grateful.
Q:
Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can
prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so
many beats, and that it… Don’t waste on exercise.
Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you
live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving
faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q:
Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all.
Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they
take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness
that
way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q:
How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have
body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two
bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.
Q:
What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can’t think of single one, sorry. My
philosophy is: No pain…good!
Image via wikipedia
Q:
Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING!
Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they
permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for
you?!?
Q:
Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around
the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it
get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger
stomach.
Image via wikipedia
Here’s a nice photo of me after I lost a lot of weight on the rock star diet.
Whoops! Looks like I lost my clothes too.
Twenty-Five Lions Fly From Bolivia To Denver
Over two dozen lions flew from Bolivia to Denver recently, kind of like Lady Gaga’s arrival at the Grammy’s.
Bob Barker kicked in $150K to pay for lion tamers and music by Lady Gaga, Lindsey Vonn, Jessica Alba, and Gwen Stefani to entertain the Denver cats. The events featured mud fights and girl volleyball players.
I guess Colorado is like catnip to these animals. They are purring big time now.
Image via wikipedia
Animal rights activists complained about circus conditions, and harsh political system used to enslave these lions, who were kept in tiny cages without kitchens, bathrooms, laptops or cell phone service. As a result the government shut down the circuses and kicked the cats out.
Image via wikipedia
These airborne meowers need your help. They need jobs, like, maybe a game show, since they were fired by Bolivian politicians.
Yes, thankfully, at least they have much larger kitty little places.
One lion was interviewed on Oprah.
He said, “I just flew in from Bolivia, and boy, my arms are tired.”
Image via wikipedia
Power to the people—I mean, purrer to the cats—it’s all relative, depending on who you’re related to.
International Political Groundhog
The semi-official US Groundhog’s body double predicted an early end to spring. What, is he blind? Peter Pan used to sew his shadow on. Why doesn’t the groundhog try that?
The USO is thinking of sending Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, Kesha, Cher, David Hasselhoff and the Terminator to entertain the troops.
The president also has other ideas to promote world piece, I mean, peace.
Image via wikipedia
In a gesture of good will Obama is flying Punxatauney Phil by Air Force One to North
Korea to be kept underground until his favorite day.
If he sees his shadow he gets to eat lobster and watch his favorite movie.
If he doesn’t—well, don’t ask.
His body double (he’s been cloned many times) is already in Iran.
The government there is keeping it secret depending on what he sees on February 2.
It’s a good thing there’s a large supply of groundhogs.
Image via wikipedia
How To Be A Saint
I was wondering the other day if there is a Saint Jennifer. Maybe Jennifer Connelly could be a saint. She’s probably my favorite actress. I’ve loved her ever since I saw her hitting golf balls in high heels off the deck of a penthouse in Manhattan on the TV series, “Wall Street.” I’m sure Jennifer Lopez, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jennifer Hudson and Jennifer Aniston would also like to be saints. Here’s a short seminars for these girls on how to be a saint.
Image via wikipedia
Beatification is the third of four steps to canonization. The intercession of saints can only occur with regards to a person if they are beatified. Certainly, beatification is the most beautiful of steps. Yes, it’s a nice step, in some really rough steps for some, yet, the pope made it easier, and clarified the rules in the early 1980s for those who wanted to become saints. But let’s say you weren’t paying attention. Here are the steps in addition to beatification, which is so beautiful. Again, I return to that step.
If beatified, folks can pray to you. Granted, not as good as people praying for you, but pretty good in its own right. When you are beatified, a ruling has been made that you went to heaven. Granted, this decision was made on Earth, so could be wrong, but, an effort is made to guess right.