Peanuts
By David Lea
Smashwords Edition
Copyright 2011 David Lea
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The five peanuts took the opportunity to relax. The eventful fight from Mexico was starting to take its toll, but being so close to their holy grail was keeping their spirits going. Adonis Bill, as a mark of respect was trying to etch Roger’s name into the side of the box using a grain of salt.
“For Roger!” saluted Roberto Bert. “For bringing us here, for telling us about the holy land of ‘Ye Olde Men’s Clubbe’ and for sacrificing himself the evil authorities to allow us to continue.”
“Yes, yes. Now sit down you numpty,” order El Toney. “If you have learnt anything from this journey, it’s to expect the unexpected.”
The sudden screech of the brakes meant one thing for the peanuts, squeaky bum time. El Toney, Roberto Bert and Juan Frank all knew better than to wonder about in the open. They crouched down into their ‘snuggle’ spots all hoping that extra dunking they took into the salt pit would pay off. Adonis Bill was still trying to scribble the name on the box lid and had left himself in a precarious position. Therefore he was more than happy at being wedged in-between his old home, a packet of Tesco’s finest American roasted peanuts, and the side of the box. Heyzus, a peanut who opposed being still because of the principle, was catapulted into the air, after a dozen somersaults he ricocheted off the edge of one lid and then against another finally spinning to a halt in front of the group.
“It was never in doubt, for I am he.” preached Heyzus.
“Luck. Dude, that was luck.” Adonis Bill managed from his cramped spot.
The group sat quietly, listening as a rusty erk was followed by a muffled thud and the box changed altitude. Bursts of blinding light individually showered the peanuts before unexpected darkness covered the group. Outside some humans exchanged those things that they do to keep themselves happy and pass the time. Finally came the scribbling bit. Every one of them knelt down and prayed. Since the peanuts were not in any packaging they were left open to a mini judgement day from their new owners. The soul crunching sound of pen on paper was reminiscent of soldiers being ordered over the front line, a fate that still had a future, but a future that was not in their control. In this case it would either end with the freedom to continue their voyage or be plunged into the black pit of doom.
“Please let us make it to the pub,” whispered Juan Frank.
The sight of a grotesque slob wearing a very worn out number, which included food stains from no less than eight different food groups and displayed all of his chest hair, was of great comfort to the gang. He ignored them for the time being as he trundled his way into a scanty area divided between being a bar and a billiard room, tossed them into a bowl and emptied a bag of their fellow compatriots on top of them.
“Waste not, want not?” searched Heyzus.
The rest just looked at him. Heyzus shrugged, he was going to try and get one quote right before he gave up religion.
“Door. Door!” beamed Juan Frank. He was so excited he almost grew a pair of arms to point at the exit.
“Let’s be careful. First we need to get out of this bowl and onto the stool. Then we’ll have to improvise from there.” commanded El Toney as quietly as he could.
“God will lead us.” Heyzus whispered to Adonis.
“You sound like your reassuring yourself.” smirked Adonis.
Heyzus would have frowned at him, but he had no eyebrows. The group didn’t have any legs either, but it didn’t stop them from reaching the stool. El Toney didn’t even pause; he jumped straight onto the stool.
“No worries it is foam.”
The remaining peanuts rained down on top of the cushioned stool.
“Ooo this is nice, I could stay here sun-bathing all day.” grinned Roberto Bert.
“You’re indoors Bob.” mentioned Juan Frank.
“Better to sunbath indoors, I’ve told you I burn easily.”
None of them even bothered correcting him.
“Ok get back to concentrating.” snapped El Toney, “It’s bouncy time, like in the airplane, but without the turbulence. Remember aim for the wall and bounce, aim for the stool and bounce or you’ll have to put up with an identical twin.”
El Toney went first as usual producing a solid example, Juan Frank came a close second, joint third were Adonis Bill and Heyzus mainly because they were bouncing off each other and Roberto Bert finished last even though he only hit the wall and plummeted to the floor.
“Don’t worry; I think this penny broke my fall.”
El Toney had stared at Roberto Bert before and he still could not figure out how Roberto Bert defied all forms of scientific reasoning. He was a completely unique peanut that had absolutely no value.
“I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it next time. Right, time to get out of this place.”
The escape from the dreary establishment was uneventful thanks to it being empty. Outside seemed as equally as deserted. It’s not as if people would notice five peanuts travelling down a street in a holiday resort anyway. The Promenade, however, was a different story. The group huddled together, peeping out from the small filthy orange brick wall, surveying the vast openness. The main problem was the amount of people travelling along it. The main bonus was the amount of people travelling along it. The posse crept forward and took refuge under a grimy green public bin.
“Come on Bess, we’ll be taking you home for a nice rest and I’ll head to the club for a quiet drink with the lads,” mumbled a rickety old donkey minder to his donkey.
A cascading thought swept the group.
“The Donkey!”
“D-Donkey.”
“Donkey!!”
“That man’s a bit old to go to a club, isn’t he?” asked Roberto Bert continuing to ignore rational things like common sense.
“Ehh? Stop being a numpty and look for a way to catch a ride.” ordered Heyzus in a tone that implied it was not the time to give back chat.
The company assessed the scene as logically as they could to find a safe passage to the donkey. They did not find the answer they were looking for. Instead they had to decide whether to take a risk and expose themselves or wait under the bin for another opportunity. Time was ticking.
“No time. All go for the donkey,” ordered El Toney.
Each peanut dived off the curb and onto the warm, smooth, tarmac road. They were fortunate not to have any oncoming vehicular traffic, but the pedestrians were causing them some menace. The people were blissfully unaware of their numerous attempts to massacre the gang. It took some well-timed leaps, the odd twist and a few rolly pollies to close the gap between them and their target.
Time to make another decision, thought El Toney. The man did not have a single crease to hide in, which is not surprising considering he works on a beach all day.
So we only have the donkey. If all those people ride on him he must be fairly comfortable.
“Grab onto the donkey as best as you can lads.”
“Eww it’s all soggy and smells a bit weird,” moaned Roberto Bert.
Adonis Bill was almost flung into the air as the donkey dragged its hooves over a cracked part of the road. The panic in his face told El Toney everything.
“El, it’s too bumpy. What are we going to do?”
El Toney looked at the floor. It was either tracks or open road and he didn’t like the thought of either. For the first time in his living memory he didn’t know what to do. He began to feel desperate and surveyed the scene again. There was nothing. No hope. Well maybe there was one place he could try. He looked up into the heavens and found the answer.
The inside reminded Heyzus of an ancient cave with many stories carved upon the walls. Sand, bits of carrot, page 3 of The Sun. The beginning, journeys, relationships. It was remarkably spacious and yet the eerie quiet of the open terrain still surprised him. He thought back to the song he learnt on the plane God loves all things bright and beautiful. He sensed he had not got it quite right again.
El Toney paused for moment and studied the left overs of excrement scattered along the floor. Roger the aeroplane god had told them about this. The aeroplane stored its waste in a compartment and would open its hatch to drop it on the ground below. He remembered the smile that would grow across Rogers face when he spoke of the ‘delivery’. The process sounded controlled and disciplined. He wasn’t sure how it worked with animals, it would take some time to figure out and until then they would have to find a refuge or risk being delivered.
“What’s that?”
“A lump? Maybe a baby donkey?”
“Don’t be a numpty Roberto, it’s most likely anal cancer.” guessed Juan Frank.
“Well whatever it is, it’s a start at least. Let’s check it out.” ordered El Toney.
The closer the gang bobbled towards the mysterious object and became more mystified by what they saw. An array of lollipop sticks, plastic wrapping and cardboard cups was all held together by what Tudor’s called daub. It was certainly not something they had seen before. Each one froze scurrying through every scrap of information they had learnt. El Toney, Roberto Bert, Juan Frank and Adonis Bill all looked at each other and shrugged, then they looked at Heyzus, he shrugged, so they moved in closer.
When they finally reached it, it was a saloon.
“Well now I’ve seen everything.” declared El Toney.
Their brief bewilderment was interrupted by a barrage of interchanging pincers jabbing the wooden flooring. Out came two small crabs covered in purple crustaceans.
“Buurble.”
“Blub Buurble.”
“No it’s R-O-B-E-R-T-O.” mouthed Roberto Bert as slowly as he could.
One set of eyes emerged and enlarged.
“Roberto Bert,” he mumbled again as the eyes began to freak him out.
“BURRRL!!!”
Then a shrimp came out in a cowboy hat.
“What’s goin’ on ‘ere then.”
Naturally being a peanut, all things are daunting, colours, words, large objects, but this was up there with nut allergy. Since none of them had any idea what to say and this being extremely weird, they looked at Heyzus.
“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou are with me; Thy rod and they staff, they comfort me. Thou prepares a table before me in the presence of mine enemies. Thou annointest my head with oil; My cup runneth over.” Heyzus had memorised it from one of the passengers on the aeroplane when they all started to act strange. He was sure it was fitting.
Now two sets of eyes emerged, enlarged and enraged.
“Have you come to cook these fine upstanding folks?!?!” gasped the shrimp.
“What?” gasped Adonis Bill, shocked at how he thought Heyzus had got something right and yet still got it so wrong.
“You better be apologisin’ son or we gonna be havin’ ourselves some real trouble.”
“Err, ok.” replied Heyzus completely unsure of what was happening. “How?”
“You just say real slow to these fine folks B-U-R-L-R-L an’ hope they accept.”
“BURLOLS” smiled Heyzus as happily as he could.
“By eck you have just insulted his entire family.”
“BUUUUUURLLP.”
“O Darnit.”
“UMPY BURRRRRLLLLPPPP.”
The Shrimp gently removed his cowboy and sighed as he wiped his brow.
“Boy you ever done shot a gun before? A real hootin tootin pistol? No matter, Crimpy just decided you should have your first lesson and not doubt your last. I take it none of you have a piece. Damn no good ruffians can’t even bring a gun to their own shoot out.”
The shrimp tried rephrasing the sentence for the twentieth time.
“Stand at his back, take ten steps forward, turn around and shoot.”
“Who do I shoot again?” pondered Heyzus still coming to terms with the concept of a duel.
“The crab!!!” screamed the shrimp.
“Which one?”
The Shrimp threw his hat one the floor and kicked it as hard as he could.
“If you weren’t about to die I would kill you,” puffed The Shrimp “Aim for the one with the gun…. Who is aiming back at you.” he continued trying not to leave anything unexplained.
The shrimp gave Heyzus a final chance to ask any questions before marching over to the crabs.
“He seems to be in a rush.” said Adonis Bill with a smile.
“Yeah for some reason he wants you to die pretty soon, maybe he has to go for dinner.” added Roberto Bert.
“Heyzus, take it slow, aim low and try to duck if anything goes wrong,” El Toney didn’t know much about duels either, but he believed you couldn’t go wrong if you used some common sense. “Compose yourself, he is coming back.”
The shrimp didn’t say anything on his return, he settled for a firm push to place Heyzus and Crimpy back to back.
“Begin the count down,” boomed the shrimp.
“Wuurm…Zrurlm…Urluum…” began Crimpy.
It just dawned on Heyzus he might not know how to count. O Well better make an effort, he told himself.
“One…Two…Four…Four…Twelventy…One…” hmmm wonder what comes next “Three…Nine…” probably a few more to go yet “One…Two…One…” just a couple more “One..one…” must be there by now.
Heyzus spun around 360 degrees and then another 180. He tried pulling the gun out of the holster, but his vision hadn’t adjusted from the spinning so he ended up tossing it in the air and falling over.
Crimpy began gurgling. He was either drowning or laughing. Eventually he pointed the gun at Heyzus.
“Thou shalt not do it or thou shall be striketh downeth.”
Crimpy definitely began laughing.
“Thou shantest do it!” bellowed Adonis Bill.
The ground shook. Crimpy stopped laughing. A treacle of sweat rolled down the side of Heyzus.
The ground shock again. Adonis Bill slowly turned to Heyzus as a smirk duly broke out on his face. El Toney knew better. His first reaction involved rugby tackling both Adonis Bill and Heyzus. Juan Frank and Roberto Bert always paid attention to the golden rule of being a peanut; never stand in the open.
Out flew Crimpy, enjoying the view as he spiralled through the air. After the initial jerk from landing he realised he was lodged side wards in the sand, but with the good fortune of having the pistol in his free side.
“Well, well, well, what do we have here? Is that a loaded pistol I see, here on a crowded public resort?”
“We can’t be having that can we constable.”
Crimpy eyed the two police men. Shoot one, nut the other.
“Why was the crab sent to prison?”
“Dunno.”
“Because he kept pinching things!”
“O Jeff you crack me up.”
Shoot them both and nut the gobby one.
“What are we gonna do with this little blighter then? Can’t let him run around with that thing, but he is so adorable.”
“Reminds me of the disease ridden mongrel I had as a kid.”
Jeff flipped Crispy on to his back and mimicked tickling his belly.
Crispy somersaulted back on to his feet, his large claw open ready to strike and the gun cocked in his small claw.
“You’ve scared the little blighter now Jeff.”
“And we were having so much fun.”
Jeff flicked his truncheon knocking the gun out of Crimpy’s claw. At the same time Crimpy’s natural reaction was to crush the truncheon. Jeff lifted up his arm and frowned at the crab dangling from his weapon.
“Animal sanctuary for this one”
Todd opened the black safety bag, carefully edged it over the truncheon and waited for Jeff to shake it till it felt a bit heavier.”
The peanuts had seen enough, they were much too close to the black pit of doom for their liking.
“We can’t take any chances. Let’s get this show on the road.” ordered EL Toney.
Heyzus charged at the upside down shrimp and collided head on. The poor shrimp was practically paralysed from the earthquake already. He ripped the pistol from the shrimp’s passive hand and fired it as if it were an automatic.
The donkey didn’t need to know what was happening it simply ran like a depraved junkie sensing his next fix. Inside everyone was playing anal pinball, a very disgusting game that must have annoyed the donkey as much as the participants. The donkey halted for a moment just long enough for the peanuts to watch the shrimp and the crab smash into the saloon, and then came another feint rumble. A flatulent aftershock discharged the peanuts back into the world.
Slowly, one by one, the group rolled themselves upright.
“Is today real?” inquired Adonis Bill.
“I’m beginning to wonder.” replied Heyzus, “In fact I still have a weird whooshing sounding ringing inside my head.”
Suddenly the peanuts were thrust into a concrete barrier and catapulted backwards. Most were performing acrobatic flips with very few points being handed out for technical proficiency. Juan Frank was the first to land on the drenched pale sand. He looked into the sky and noticed it was a rather drab blue, which then changed into a more murky blue. That was odd; he had never seen that happen before. The sky then abruptly fell down on him and the other peanuts. They started doing somersaults in somersaults. It was not for few minutes that they all appeared twenty yards off shore.
“JESUS CHRIST!” screamed Heyzus.
“What a mother …” started Adonis Bill.
“Say it Adonis, you can say it.” urged Heyzus.
“Calm down and think.” El Toney said to himself out loud.
The peanuts drifted another five yards away.
“Is it time to give up religion?” wondered Roberto Bert with genius like accuracy.
“Yes” sighed Adonis Bill “Yes it is.”
“The promised land.” cried Heyzus.
“Wait. Wait. We’re travelling out to sea!” An idea was well and truly surfacing in El Toney’s thoughts.
The distance became thirty yards.
“We’re sailing the seven seas!!!” continued El Toney.
“…” Heyzus was still in despair.
“Since were sailing the seas, can we be pirates now?” ventured Juan Frank.
“Hell yeah I wanna be a pirate! I wanna be…” yelled Roberto Bert.
“I call Long John Silver.” beamed Juan Frank.
“Damn it! Your names not John,” Heyzus was now angry.
“It is now.” replied Long John Silver.
“Ok, ok, I call Moby Dick.” said Adonis Bill.
“Moby Dick was a giant turtle,” said Heyzus continuing his tirade.
“Shut up Heyzus.” snapped Long John Silver.
“I’ll be Blackbeard.” stated El Toney and no one argued.
“Fine, I’m Captain Hook, the most traitorous pirate of them all!” screamed Heyzus.
“Who am I gonna to be?” sobbed Roberto Bert.
“Just make one up, bundle some words together and hey presto.” suggested Moby Dick.
“How about One-Eyed Willie?”
“Leave it Captain Hook.” interrupted Blackbeard.
There was a brief pause as the peanuts floated sixty yards out to sea.
“Now we’re all pirates we’re gonna do what all pirates love the most. Singing! Everyone after me.”
“Row row row your boat…”
“Row your row boat…”
“Row row row row…”
“…gently down the…”
“…boat gently the…”
“…row gently boat…”
“…merrily merrily merrily…”
“…merrily merrily row…”
“…gently boat stream…”
“…life is but a dream.”