Take me Home
By Nora Jaber
Copyright 2012 Nora Jaber
Smashwords Edition.
“Take me home, please” I said to my driver before closing my eyes and resting my head against the window. It had been a long night, the sound of the party's music still resonated in my ears, my head throbbed and it felt like my entire body was vibrating. In my mind I could still see the foggy atmosphere I’d just walked out of, I could still see couples grinding and people smoking. My lungs felt poisoned from all the smoke I’d inhaled, even though I hadn’t actually smoked anything. The entire area back there felt congested; I needed to get out. It was way past midnight I knew, but had no idea what time it really was.
“What time is it?” I asked the driver.
“3:15” he replied then turned on the radio.
“Turn it off please, I have a headache” I told him but he disregarded my order and instead raised the volume. I was too tired to argue, my head felt like it were about to explode any minute so I moved forward to turn it off myself. His eyes bore into the side of my face as I searched for the button; feeling uneasy, I moved back quickly and told him again to turn it off.
“I can’t hear you!” he yelled back to me. What the fuck was wrong with him? I didn’t understand, I had had no problems with him this morning.
“Turn the fucking radio off!” I cried.
“Dear God, you talk too much” he said mockingly then turned it off.
“See? Now was that so hard?” I mumbled. He didn’t answer me; he kept his gaze fixed on the street. I closed back my eyes and tried to relax. Around ten minutes later I opened them again expecting to see the street I lived on, instead I found myself in a place I didn’t know.
“Where are you going?” I asked him. Ignored. “Excuse me! Where are you going? Take me home, now.” He turned his head and looked at me so intensely I froze. A surge of fear spread throughout my body, but I didn’t understand why. I decided to stay calm and disregard the feeling, “please, just take me home” I said again, meekly. Expecting him to obey me, I closed my eyes again, but this time I fell asleep.
*****
“Get out.”
I opened my eyes, confused. Why wasn’t I home? I had fallen asleep without realising it and now I had no idea where I was.
“I said get out.” I looked up to find my driver looking down at me.
“What’s going on? Where am I?” I asked before he impatiently gripped my arm and pulled me out of the car; his grip was strong and angry. He flung me onto the ground. I looked around me. Clearly we had driven for a while, I wasn’t anywhere I’d ever seen before; I wasn’t in the city.
All I could see around me was darkness. There were no streetlights; there was no street at all. I closed my hand and around what felt like sand. I pat my hands on the floor around me; sand, everywhere. I crawled a bit further hoping I’d find some pavement but once my eyes adjusted to the darkness all I could see was more sand. The moonlight shone over sand dunes and the air blew it around me, into my eyes. I was in the desert.
I looked up at my driver who towered over me. The moonlight bounced off his figure making him look larger than I remembered.
“Why aren’t we home? I told you to take me home” was all I managed to say. My voice was weak; it felt hard to speak, as if I were choking on my own words. He shook his head and smirked, “you’re still telling me to take you home? Haven’t you realised that you’re not in control anymore? Not tonight.”
I didn’t say anything back, I was trembling now. I buried my head in my hands and prayed; I prayed that this would end, I prayed for it not to be real. I rocked my body back and forth trying to block out reality. Escaping didn’t seem like an option, after all I was in the middle of a place I didn’t know; there would be no escape.
He sat down beside me, “you’re beautiful you know, I’ve been paying close attention to you, you’re beautiful.”
I didn’t lift my head up; I pretended not to hear him.
“I’ve been watching you lately, I look back at you from the rear-view mirror when you don’t notice, I watch you smile when you listen to music, you look sad sometimes too, like you’re missing something, someone perhaps. I know more about you than you think. I notice how you look out the window when I’m driving, you try to memorize the direction of the places I take you to; you never do though. You always end up calling someone to ask them for directions. I find it cute.” I shut my eyes even tighter, as if it would block out his voice, but only found myself squeezing out tears.
“Don’t pretend you can’t hear me,” he moved in closer and whispered in my ear “there’s no escaping this reality.”
When I didn’t move he pulled my head up by my hair. “Look at me when I talk to you!” he grabbed my chin and turned my face towards his, “yes, look at me.” He studied my face; I’d dreamt of being looked at with such desire but never did I expect that I’d have my dream come true this way.
“Your lips, I’ve watched them move when you speak. I’ve seen you wear your lipstick, I’ve watched you lick them when they got dry. They’re perfect. I’ve wished for them for so long.” He said so gently I was paralyzed until he lifted a finger and brushed it over them.
“Don’t touch me!” I yelled, jumping back.
He took a deep breath, as if trying to maintain his calm then looked at me. “Why? Why do you have to make things so hard? What’s going to happen is going to happen whether or not you want it to, give up.” His voice was desperate but firm. I was too shocked to say anything back, I couldn’t believe this was happening to me, I didn’t even know what has happening.
All I could think of was Ace and what he’d think if he knew this was happening, what he’d do. How hurt he’d be that I was being hurt and that no matter what he did, he couldn’t save me from this right now. I decided it would be best not to think of that or of anything at all. I’d deal with the consequences of this later, if I ever made it back.
“What do you want from me?” I asked my driver; he hadn’t taken his eyes off of me for a second; I felt as if he could see through my clothes and onto my skin.
“What do I want from you? What a stupid question! You know only too well what I want from you. I want you. I’ve wanted you for so long!” And that’s when I knew it all; I saw what was going to happen in my mind. I started crying now, sobbing. I couldn’t think of any way to stop it from happening.
I begged him to take me home, to let me go, to just let me be. I told him he wasn’t making any sense, that his feelings wouldn’t lead to anything. I promised him that if he let this go, I would too. A promise we both knew I wouldn’t keep. I tried to convince him to rethink the entire thing through.
“Rethink? You think I haven’t ‘rethought’ this in my mind a million times before? I’ve seen this moment in my head night after night, I’ve waited for this for too long now; too long to just let it go.”
He moved closer to me, and smiled, “tell me you want me too.” I didn’t say anything.
I yelled for help over and over again while he sat there smirking quietly waiting for me to realize that my screams were futile.
“There’s no one here, there’s no point in yelling. I chose a place where we could be completely alone. I know you might not want me now, but by the end of the night you’ll have to.”
I thought of my parents and how worried they must have been. My phone was dead and he’d left his in the car; no one would be able to help me. I was on my own this time.
“What will it take for you to take me back home?” I asked.
“Just do as I say. Want me like I want you and you’ll be home by the morning.” He answered. I didn’t know whether or not he meant that, but right now it felt like I didn’t have much of a choice. He moved closer until he was behind me, he placed his hands on my shoulders and tugged at my abaya.
“Take it off” he whispered.
I had no choice; he was stronger than I was. I was alone and I couldn’t escape; I had to do as he said. My heart felt heavier than I ever knew it could feel. I undid the buttons of my abaya and he slid it off of me. I crossed my arms over my chest, my outfit revealed too much of me and I wished I had just worn jeans and a t-shirt like I did every other time. The blue dress I wore clung to my body showing every curve I had. It’s v-neck collar revealed enough of my breasts to have his eyes burning with lust, and my bare legs made me feel more exposed than I’d ever felt before.
He inhaled deeply then licked his lips, “this wasn’t what I expected to see, this is perfect.”
I wrapped my veil around my neck trying to cover some of the cleavage he was only too happy to look at, but he caught my hand before I grabbed the veil.
“I already see you, you can’t erase this from my mind now” he said, “you can’t stop this.”
I looked down at the ground, ashamed. I wondered what I had ever done to deserve this, what I might have done to arouse him this way.
“Don’t think too much, don’t think at all now. Soon enough you’ll be left with nothing but submission.” He said, as if he could read my thoughts.
I didn’t take my eyes off the ground; I didn’t even flinch as I felt his hands move up my thighs. He was right; submission was all I could do now. His fingers traced over my waistline around the edges of my underwear. My muscles tensed and I felt my stomach turning; I wanted to vomit. His other hand slid up my arm and onto my shoulder. He pulled down one of my sleeves, and then moved onto the other allowing my dress to fall down to my waist, exposing both my breasts.
Tears rolled down my cheeks incessantly and every time they reached my lips and I tasted their saltiness, it felt like I was being reminded of the horrific reality I was trying so hard to block out.
I closed my eyes hoping it would make this easier to forget once it was over. I lifted my arms to cross them over my chest again but he held them back and pinned them onto the ground with his hands. He leaned in to kiss my lips but I turned my head so quickly he only got to my cheek.
“You could make this good if you tried, it’s going to happen either way. Don’t make things hard on yourself” he said as he attempted for another kiss.
I might have given up on the thought of escaping, but I wouldn’t give in to this. He wouldn’t ever have me willingly so I kept my lips closed. Frustrated he kissed me he harder, he pulled my arms around his neck expecting me to use them but I did nothing; I didn’t move, I didn’t resist. I sat there as if I couldn’t feel what was happening; as if I were dead.
He tried a few more times to get some passion out of me, to get to me to respond to him; “do something!” he yelled, “any fucking thing, just do something!” And so I gave him nothing, until he was finished with me, I did nothing, I said nothing.
My unresponsiveness drove him insane, it angered him. What happened next must have been his way of punishing me. He rid me of my clothes and pushed me down onto the warm sand. I looked at the sky as he had his way with my body, I looked at the stars and lost myself in their beauty; I immersed myself in the heavenly sight above me and tried to think of nothing else. I bit my lip once until it bled after his first thrust, my eyes teared up from the pain but I was too numb then to realise that he had just stolen away the mark of my innocence. Every now and then I’d flinch at the pain of his thrusts, but apart from that he was thrusting into a corpse. I felt him drain me of my dignity and then I felt nothing at all. He pulled out of me a second before he ejaculated. His groans pierced my ears and I knew then that even after hundreds of sleepless nights, that sound would be the last I heard before I fell into uneasy sleep.
Once he was finished he threw my clothes at me, I shivered despite the hot, humid weather, and with shaky hands dressed myself. I covered my face, as if to hide it from him, from everything.
*****
The ride home felt like the longest one I’d ever been on, he drove silently. I rested my head on the window and watched the night turn into dawn. This time when he turned on the radio, I said nothing, I blocked out every thought that came to my mind knowing they’d only make me feel worse. What happened had happened and forever I’d live with the reality that I had been raped.
My house felt so unfamiliar when I saw it, I hadn’t even realised we’d been driving on my street. He parked the car, and opened my door for me like he normally did. He lifted the veil off my face and looked at the eyes I had fixed on the ground; “remember me” were the last words I ever heard him say before he ran; and of course I forever would.