Black Gentlemen of Trong Suan
J. McMahon
The Black Gentlemen of Trong Suan
By J. McMahon
Published by J. McMahon at Smashwords
Copyright 2011 J. McMahon
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
Thanks to Joshua Abeles and Christopher Luppi for extensive editorial and creative guidance.
-This useless old fucker and his twinkling cunt, doesn’t care if he gets hurt.-
Nick Cave Green Eyes
Diary
April, 16.
On this day I begin the adventure of my new life. It is on this day that my house is completed and I feel such happiness I need an outlet to express my thoughts. This will be my journal of reinvention. At each day’s end I plan to put down the little changes in me that are part of this metamorphosis.
I can imagine the looks on all those familiar faces from the last twenty-two years in L St. hub office. If they could see me tonight, wrapped in a sarong happily slapping at mosquitoes on my new front porch. Tucked into the jungle on a little dirt road overlooking the sea. Half a world away. I’ve opened a bottle of beer to celebrate this new life, this new me.
This is no vain attempt by a middle-aged man to forget his past. Indeed I am proud to have served the managers desk at L St. hub for these last many years. My code reaffirmation has become compulsory learning for new clerks. I think it stands as a testament to my dedication.
Tonight as I partake of a native feast and indulge in this domestically brewed ale I restart, a new me. Here in this jungle solitude away from the crush of modern life I will read all of the books I never had time to crack open. Swim in the ocean, walk the jungle in the cool mornings. Buckle down and study the local language and become the kind of man only dreamed of in L office. Tanned, vital, learned, daring.
I know I will have trouble sleeping this evening but with the sky full of dazzling stars I don’t mind at all.
April, 18.
Now two days since I first stepped across the threshold of my new home. I am fortunate to be where I am. I never would have been able to afford a house with building costs and taxes at home. Here it was a fraction of redecorating my flat. True I don’t own the land but thirty years is a very long time.
I have been very busy unpacking and generally setting up housekeeping. Throughout this process I’ve discovered a few rudimentary problems in the finishing of the place. First there doesn’t seem to be any water. The plumbing is intact, blue PVC pipes poke out of the tiled walls in both bathrooms and kitchen but no water comes from the taps. I’ve tried to talk with my neighbors who have been around, walking through the house fingering various objects of mine and discussing the appliances at great length but seem too shy to look at or speak with me. When I ask a question, after waing deeply, they simply stare at me, murmuring to one another shaking their heads. Once my language skills improve I’m sure we’ll get on with ease. So much for my six month course back home. None of this is a problem. I want my home to be open to them, but I must find a way to communicate that I disapprove of their smoking indoors and for the spitting on the floor; I’ll have to look into that culturally.
There is also an electrics problem. The light on the porch works terrific. The one lamp I bought at the market brightens my bedroom, but otherwise the house has no fixtures. Needless to say it’s been a bit trying with no light and no water. I know I can’t expect the same kind of comforts here as in England but I’m sure the contractor will be back to set things right soon since he’s been paid in full. I’m studying the language books like mad, the sooner I’m able to communicate on a natural level the better life will be.
April, 23.
I awoke this morning at daybreak to shouting and laughing along with strange animal sounds. When I came completely awake I realized they must have been coming from just below my window. My parcel of land is quite large and I purposely, against the wishes, advice and eventually even the first breaking of ground by my contractor had the house built far from the road to avoid just these sorts of disturbances.
When I came down to investigate I found three young men, two sitting and smoking the third one laid out asleep on my front veranda. They had brought their cows to graze on my new lawn. This really shouldn’t bother me as people here are very communal but I paid a good deal of money for the turf to be lain and I doubt that it had a chance to take root, I could see some of the sections had been overturned by the cattle already, Why has their noise making been described as lulling I find it very disturbing.
I addressed the young men who in their own good nature took no notice of me except to look up and smile in a distant way then continue with their conversation. It was then I realized they were drunk, amazing drunk at six a.m. . . . Instead of lingering on this I went for a brisk walk. Even at that early hour it was terribly hot. After about two kilometers I was fagged and stopped at the nearby resort to refresh and breakfast (145 b).
My heart raced because the staff understood everything or nearly everything I said and praised my ability to speak the language. I talked at length with my waitress who said the locals are very difficult to understand, then in English she added ‘they are jungle people’, she herself is from Bangkok. I am now even more dedicated to coming to grips with the puzzling intricacies of this beautiful language.
As the day lingered on it became impossibly warm. I spent a great deal of the afternoon bathing in the sea and showering at the resort, still no running water in the house, then napping in the late afternoon over Tristram Shandy. Ten pages read and reread. By evening the temperature comes down a bit and now I sit on the porch having a warm beer. No outlet for the frig/freezer. I noticed earlier a few people gathering at the front of the property, I thought for a moment this might finally be some kind of welcoming party. Then the fire began. It wasn’t a large fire, but naturally I was curious as to why they were doing it. By the time I reached the blaze the people had left, from the fire came thick toxic smoke a popping sound and an awful smell of smoldering plastic. They were burning their rubbish.
April, 27.
A wonderful morning I hiked up a nearby stream to a small waterfall early this morning. I sat for most gazing at the forest watching the birds and bathing in a small stream. The water was cool and refreshing against the punishing heat, especially as I ‘am still without running water. It was a welcome feeling of cleanliness.
The contractor came by this afternoon as I returned and had a look around. I hate to become negative so soon but I have the distinct feeling that he is dishonest. At first he said that the fixtures and outlets were not in the plan. When I showed him the blue prints he said I would have to pay extra. I showed him the itemized contract where all the work is outlined and he said I would have to find someone else to do it.
I was dumbfounded by his offhandedness. I suggested it may be bad for his reputation and he laughed. Then he inspected the taps and asked where the well was. I told him I didn’t know, as he was the one who put it in. He shrugged and said he hadn’t since it wasn’t in the plans. We repeated examining the plans and the contract where the pump, plumbing and well are itemized. He shrugged and said he might have time next week but it would cost extra. I hinted about going to my attorney with this. He laughed again and ground his cigarette end out on the floor and left. It seems I may have to indeed find another contractor.
He’s just one spotty bottom though and I’m not going to let this ruin everything. I know he doesn’t represent the whole lot. I’m having a warm beer on the patio. This is becoming a bit of a ritual of mine. Assuredly I won’t become one of these old men who sit here wasting the ends of their life drinking beer after beer and complaining about everything.
May, 1.
Today everything I have been working at came together. Today I went into town and called my Nut. I was shaking as I dialed with nervous excitement. It took awhile to get her as she lives in a dormitory. She has finally finished her degree this week with honors. Last month I sent her an extra hundred pounds along with the usual two as a gift and congratulations. I promised her a huge surprise at the end of her hard work and today I told her about it.
At first she was confused, she sounded a little sleepy and called me Chris. She explained that Chris was one of her professors that she did extra work for. When she finally realized it was I and I told her about the house and my being here and finally ready to get on with our marriage plans and our lives she couldn’t speak. She even cried a little. I was as proud as I could be. She will arrive next week. She told me I should get a handy (mobile phone) as there is no telephone in the house. She is a clever girl, she knew exactly the make and model I should get right from the top of her head.
Later in the afternoon I walked around town barely noticing where I went when I came to a restaurant where several Europeans, fellow English sat. I walked in and introduced myself. After a few pleasantries they returned to their conversation but I was so excited that I could barely contain myself. I exploded with the news. I told them how I had met Nut on a fortnight’s holiday two years ago when she was working as a cashier in Hua Hin, keeping most of the details to myself, as a gentleman should. They nodded and grinned away at me until I felt like I was being mocked. As I found both of them to be crude anyway I little cared about their opinion and went out about my day. I think I will see very little of them and indeed town in the future. Well to my beer, my guilty little pleasure mustn’t let Nut find out.
May, 3.
Today I’m going to break my own rule and vex a little. After all what is a journal for? I have this inside me I cannot ignore it. I don’t want anything to come between Nut and I when she arrives, so I will vent here.
The contractor was a shyster. I know this now. The work is shoddy and the electric and water is still unusable. There is actually a well but the plumbing is not connected to it.
The fires. It seems this property must have been the dumping and burning ground for miles around. Each night families arrive with their rubbish until it piles up and is set ablaze. I have contacted the local police and village head where I received the same answer, they laughed, in my face, like the contractor.
The cattle and chickens that arrive every morning at day break to crow and moo and chew up my expensive grass, while the owners lull on the porch, my porch, and yes, laugh at me.
The woman who comes three times a day with two dishes of food for me. I’m not used to the local cuisine but I can honestly say I’ve never had anything as bad as what she brings me. If it weren’t for the burning chilies there would be no flavor, only the taste of rotten fish and rancid oil. I can barely eat any of it and have therefore been subsisting on rice and what I eat at the resort in the morning. Then Afterward I almost always suffer from diarrhea. I have asked her to vary the dishes but she only smiles and hobbles away on her knotty old bare feet with my hundred baht. I have tried to give allowances for my inexperience with the customs here but these things gall me all the same. These things seem to me to be beyond cultural norms or customs; these things to me are about common decency.
Now to rectify. I am going to live here. I am going to live here in peace with my neighbors and myself. There is a solution to each problem. When Nut arrives (5 days) the house will be ready. There, positivity, positive thinking promotes positive action. Now as I rub my hands together, time for my beer, my cold beer, ahoy what? That’s right my cold beer. I bought an ice chest. Progress I think.
May, 5.
One thing about the cows and chickens, they get me up early. And as the early morning is by far the best part of the day I relish it. I make the best of it. While it’s still relatively cool I go for a long walk in the jungle. It’s dense and green and humid. Everything seems to be rotting in there. Having led an urban life it is exciting to just be amongst it. By the time the sun has fully risen I am at the beach. As there is no one about I strip naked and go for a swim in the still cool water. This is the new me. Imagine Janice or Eugene at substation L, he did what, naked swimming, our old manager did? That’s right he did, he does.
I want to study the plants, the insects the birds and the animals. When Nut arrives I want to be able to point at a tree and rattle off the Thai and Latin for it. I want to know what insects sting and which bite (all of them it seems). I’ve always wanted to know about these things.
When I returned home after breakfasting and swimming at the beach I was in a top mood and wanted to talk to the local boys about throwing their cigarette butts about. They each seem to smoke about a packet a day and a little pile has accumulated at the base of my porch. To break the ice I started to ask them about a snake I had seen, whether it was dangerous. Though they made no indication of hearing me they started to talk about me. I still don’t quite understand what they say but I realize they are speaking Thai very slowly without really pronouncing everything and skipping every third word or so. They refer to me as Kee Nok Farang, which I don’t quite understand, something about foreign bird, maybe big bird because they think I have money? But its progress. Now for my beer, my cold twilight beer.
May, 7.
Another beautiful day (very hot). It’s easy to get carried away with the petty annoyances here and forget the pure beauty of the place. I know that it’s different for them. I know they can’t see it the way I do. The same way I can’t be enraptured by television hour after hour as they can. No tely here, not for me. Small shortwave for the BBC. I’m not sure how Nut will feel, if she will miss the box or not. But she’s a smart girl I think we’ll be fine.
Had a new contractor in today, I’ve been had and it’s time to move on. That doesn’t mean I won’t follow up with the legal end of that mess. The new contractor (Lek) speaks a good bit of English, seems to know his trade, has been at it for donkey’s years, and was genuinely embarrassed at what had been done and promised to set everything straight in three days. He’s not local which means a lot. He also strongly recommended erecting a perimeter fence, or wall. He says no one will respect my property without it and I will most certainly be burgled. We inspected the turf together and he promised there would be no livestock here while he worked, which is fine with me.
I’ve been taking my meals exclusively at the resort on the beach. The old woman still shows up every day with her plates of rotten fish though I have refused them all. She keeps insisting I pay her, which of course I certainly won’t. Yes sadly when money is the topic of conversation my Thai seems to be perfectly adequate.
A good day all the same. Now as the sun sets over the tree line, the air cools, and sigh, the fires start - I will have my beer.
May, 10.
It’s early, still bearable. When the sun breeches the tree line my day will be over until evening. It’s simply too warm to do anything but sit in the shade reading and napping or swimming. The crew was here at five. Whether I was awake or not their continuous laughter would have soon had me up. People here seem to give no consideration of where they are when they talk. It’s always boisterous, always at full volume. I could compare it to the blacks at home. Something about warm weather people, except with them there is always an undercurrent of violence, while here there is always laughter. What that laughter means I don’t know, but I’m more comfortable with it then the posturing of the blacks when they do it.
10, 6:00 pm
The sun is dissolving into the canopy, it makes for a wonderful day to see the sun both rise and set. I’m sure it’s the natural state for man. Even if one sleeps for most of the day in between. From here on I will be up every day to see the great ball arise. The boys worked hard through the morning slept in the afternoon and then worked until just now. I’d like to see the face on that shyster contractor when this work is finished.
Some of the local boys came round and had words with Lek, he sent them off and they spent a good portion of the day squatting in the shade squinting in through the sun. I believe it actually may come to putting up a wall or fence, at least on the roadside. Every house around, no matter if it’s an old style house patched together with tin and wood scraps or a new concrete bungalow, is surrounded with at least barbed wire, why? Is what Lek the contractor said so true, that there is no common respect for property rights?
One more day until my Nut arrives. I couldn’t be more excited. Am I acting like a silly old fool, well I don’t care? I’ve spent too long being responsible and reserved. I’m going to fill the house with fresh flowers and buy her all the pretty clothes a girl could want. Now for my evening beer, straight from the icy freezer of my now functioning refrigerator.
May, 13.
It’s been a rather devastating day. I sat on the veranda watching the show of the setting sun and could only feel my heart sink along with it, rather drunk. This morning I went to the town to purchase the mobile phone. I couldn’t remember which model Nut specified and didn’t want to disappoint her so I called her at the dormitory. I talked to several of the girls, none of whom seemed very awake; one after the other told me Nut wasn’t there, so early in the morning? Then I got one of her friends, Sai. When I explained who I was, she told me that Nut had taken ill and had gone to her mother’s home. There has been a lot of illness in the poor girls’ family since I met her. Mother had been hospitalized three times and father has undergone two operations. Luckily I was able to assist the family through all of this; I hope Nuts illness isn’t serious.
I was so dejected that her arrival will be delayed, especially by illness and further as she couldn’t contact me. I wandered around for a while until I arrived at the restaurant where I met the other Brits before. I fear my initial judgment may have been a bit harsh. The fat English man, Terry, is certainly very bigoted against the people he has chosen to live amongst but he is also quite amusing and generous in his own way. Jack the Irishman has a great sense of the world. He is rough and foul-mouthed but it’s evident that he is truly a good-natured man. They both seem to be overly obsessed with sex for men of their ages. I explained what had happened and they were sympathetic to a degree, though Terry was mocking me underneath it. He made several allusions to his own wife, ‘you can take a girl out of the bar but you can’t take the bar out of the girl’, was one of his little sayings, to which he added ‘these girls have a pair of sandals and a t-shirt one day then all of sudden they get their Farang and they need a new phone every other day’ Etc... I am naïve; I know that, but not so much that I don’t know what they are thinking about me. They have had some bad experiences with women in Thailand, so my Nut must be the same as all of their girls. But wouldn’t the women they have chosen be some reflection of the men themselves? I ignored it. I was glad to have some company. What can I tell them about Nut that they would understand, that she’s generous and caring and respectful and beautiful?
It’s only been over a month but a month can seem very long with no one to speak with. All those years in the hub office searching for a moment’s peace, I never imagined what so much peace was like. The food was also a treat, fish and chips, I was never very fond of fish and chips but they were lovely today. I sat there for hours and had three big bottles of beer. When the moto taxi took me home I was drunk but I opened this other anyway. Somehow it makes one feel more tragic being drunk. Now the worry begins, again.
If god hears the prayers of drunken old fools let him hear mine. Please keep Nut safe. Please let her get well so she can come to me and I can take of her.
May, 15.
I haven’t had a hangover in seventeen years, I haven’t missed it either. I’ve felt as if there were a film over my eyes all day. Like my body was coated in a rubbery substance. The sour stale taste of old beer in my mouth, the dirty feeling of dried out skin, swollen so that I could see my cheeks puffing beneath my eyes. I watched the boys working all day, sweating and feeling miserable. I can’t remember the last time I was in such a mood. The boys all joked with me about being hung over. There was no mocking beneath the laughter, as there would be in England. I like the way they call me uncle. I like these boys, they listen to me when I speak to them and talk to me freely. How can they be so different then the people who live here? Then I watch them grabbing at each other and playing about in silly childish ways and couldn’t stop myself from thinking them a bit ignorant.
How do these boozers keep it up day after day, month after month? Just one night and I feel stupid from it. What about the addicts how do they manage anything. It was a terrible day, knowing that Nut was ill somewhere and couldn’t reach me because I had put off buying a phone. My hangover, the giggling of the workers and the insolent jealous stares of the neighbors squatting in the shade at the other side of the road. What the hell do they want, what are they mad about? There is definitely a wall going up. Who ever heard of people burning trash in others lawns? What about this Buddhism, where are the police or basic respect? I will sleep and everything will be better in the morning.
May, 16.
It’s quiet again here tonight; the workers are gone after four days of frantic activity. Lights, water, cold refrigerator and a block wall with a gate on the road. I hate that I’ve had to do this but the contractor assured me it was not only necessary but also expected, and until I did so I would get no respect for my personal property. We shall see. I hope it ends the fires.
Better then that I spoke with Nut, she is well. Suffering only from stress after her final examines. She is looking forward to arriving next week. Another week, I will steel myself for the wait. I bought the mobile phone as soon as we were finished speaking which seems to be top of the line and was quite a bit more then I was thinking to spend. Though I’ve never owned one before it seems excessive; full color video screen, a built in camera and something called mp3, But I suppose it was only a little more and she is young. I stopped at Jacks’ restaurant again and had a talk, along with some food. The noodles and rice at home are a bit tiresome. Some of it is nice some of it is inedible and all of it has given me bowel trouble. I met two more foreign residents, Stan and Lloyd. Stan is an agreeable young man; young compared to me, none of the filthy language of the other two. Lloyd is a Welshman somewhat younger then I, jolly enough as the Welsh can be. I shall meet them all again as they have invited me to something they called the Niggers’ club picnic, God help me it’s true. When I asked where the name came from it was of course Terry who called out that since the Thais treat us the way we treat the blacks at home we may as well get used to being Niggers - not me, my brain screamed. Perhaps black gentlemen’s club would be better I suggested jokingly, but he only sneered at me and everyone else was busy watching the football.
May, 18.
Two days now, and four to go until Nut arrives. It has given me the opportunity to scrutinize the place and add the odd refinement. The house suddenly seemed so lifeless. There is no charm to it. The concrete walls and everything tiled. I suppose it keeps it cooler but it seems so hard. So I decided to add some wooden details to the windows and ceiling, the eaves of the porch. Nut is sensitive to such things, I believe, so I hope this will make the place more welcoming.
Yesterday was the ‘Black Gentlemen’s picnic’ as I will refer to it. It’s a nice day actually, putting on a dinner like this. Pucks of food and a lot of drink, from which I refrained for the most part. Terry who holds the picnic actually has a pitch and put course in front of his house with a long drive of three hundred yards. At the same time it was rather boring. It must be rather boring for them. The six of them, they have dinner together at Jacks nearly every night, each drinking until either drunk or just short of it. Gossiping about the town in which, from what I can tell, nothing really happens. As they’re all retired they have nothing new in their lives to talk about so they just rehash the past over and over again. Or they complain about the Thais, laughing at the smallest difference. None of them speak the language beyond a few words and they’ve all been here for ages. It truly is the ugly ex-pat scene. Of course on a personal level they are all agreeable to a greater or lesser extent. I met two more today, Brian and mark. Both young men, Brian is a teacher part time or something and Mark I was thrilled at hearing is a pineapple farmer.
Fancy a boy from Barton Upon Humber becoming a pineapple farmer in Thailand. Although he talks of little else I was very interested, as I know nothing about pineapple farming. He has a lovely girl and baby daughter, and though he is very much like the rest in his drinking and gossip he at least doesn’t constantly allude to sex. Then there are the wives and girlfriends, who sit separately, together; they wait until the men have finished and then they eat slowly for the rest of the night. Hours. From the time they arrive until they leave they stay completely to themselves.
A great deal of the conversation among the men touch’s on how stupid, selfish, lazy, and untrustworthy the women are. Terry being by far the worst even calling to his wife to confirm her shortcomings. Of the older three only Jack seems to have any affection for his wife, who seems a lovely woman, decent, always smiling.
This picnic happens every other Sunday but I’m sure my first will be my last. A good chat is a good chat but in a group like that it is nothing but petty comments.
I nearly forgot Milton. The most timid, spineless person I have ever met, even in hub L, a magnate for cretins, we never had anyone with less dignity. He acts as the focal point of the mocking and slagging off, a term I have always disliked but heard in this one day at least a thousand times.
Unbelievably the fires are still being lit, they have actually cut a trail around the wall through the jungle and they walk in by the family, children in their pajamas, men bring bottles of whisky, it’s like a bloody party. Dogs, it’s coming to dogs. I can picture a pair of bloody big mastiffs would keep the peace; I am the landed gentry as it were. This is the end of the nonsense. Give them a cookie and they ask for a glass of milk, Christ I just quoted Terry in my own journal.
May, 23.
Nut called and will arrive tomorrow, unexpectedly early. She’s bringing family to stay as well for a while. I am very pleased at the prospect of meeting her parents and whomever else she brings. I must put things in order today, I wasn’t expecting company so soon and the guest rooms are not put together. I am so excited by the prospect of seeing Nut that everything else is swimming in my head, what else needs to be done, I don’t know.
This morning I met with a man who breeds huge Brazilian guard dogs. They are very expensive but if we have to go crazy about security, the measures may as well be something with personality. I have always loved dogs. A couple of pups that in three months will weigh a hundred and thirty pounds with jaws that can crush a young coconut. I’m trying to think of appropriate names for them. Maybe Rommel and Montgomery- that sort of thing.
May, 24.
A quick note now to record the overall scene. The family descended last night and I couldn’t be happier. The house is full of people, some of whom I’m still not sure who they are. A truly brilliant chaos. It’s just after six and I am the only one awake. There are people sleeping and signs of a very merry night. I’m just up now, slept at the resort last night, a bit old myself for this kind of thing, although it doesn’t seem to bother Nuts father who has been keeping up with the younger men.
We bought the local shop out of all their whisky, white whisky and beer. Indeed it has been a rather wild celebration. But a daughter’s marriage is nothing to ignore.
That’s right we are now officially betrothed and announced to the world. I will make a full note later; right now there is some cleaning to do, inside and out.
May, 26.
Some peace for a while here at the resort. I am not used to this level of action. All my years of quiet bachelorhood hasn’t prepared me for this kind of thing. First I haven’t even written about Nut. The whole day I was expecting her; my heart was racing. She called twice to let me know when she would arrive. For some reason I never thought about how she was coming. I was so caught up with just seeing her again. She arrived in a pickup truck with twelve of her family, followed by another pickup with another ten or fifteen, depending on what time I counted. I burst out laughing. She has grown up since I last saw her. I suppose university does that to a young woman. At first I was a bit surprised. She no longer seemed the same sweet angel I thought her. Her clothes tighter and cut low. Her hair is different, wearing a lot of makeup and jewelry, but when she spoke it was my same Nut and I embraced her with all that I had. Meanwhile being swept into a wave of family. We went through introductions of so many different levels of relation I lost my head with keeping track. I concentrated on only her mother and father and close family. The problem for me is that Thais refer to one another as family, mother, auntie, uncle, so that I don’t know exactly who is related and who are friends of the family. On top of that there are more specific relation terms for paternal or maternal family, as well as the pee-nung/ noi-lek elder- younger, smaller-bigger classifications.
Enough of that, the wedding. Nut being Nut thought since she was at home, and her family had gathered for her graduation, she may as well bring them all. And since they were all here we might just go ahead and get married now. It’s of course more than fine with me. I had a long talk with father who seems much younger then I pictured, and whose eyes seem perfect after the operation. I am so glad.
It seems a bit old fashion, even medieval but here men still pay a dowry. We discussed the terms. I have no idea what to do in this sort of situation. Can one haggle over the price of his loves’ hand? It was settled and at not a small sum. I thought when she told me I would have to pay the family a dowry it would be symbolic, a trifling amount. There is probably something in the fact that I’m an old foreigner who is seen as being rich but I am not going to focus on that.
The party commenced as soon as the people were unloaded. I believe in fact it had commenced before it arrived. Everyone flooded into the house and examined everything. They couldn’t believe I could speak Thai, in fact a lot of them wouldn’t believe I could speak Thai and only spoke to Nut. Asking about the house and how much it all cost, which is ridiculous because she has had nothing to do with either the building or furnishing of the place. But I suppose this kind of thing is just polite. Since Nut’s parents are in the master bedroom and the other two rooms are taken up by the women and children, of which there seem to be a lot. I have moved temporarily to the beach resort. With my back I can’t sleep on the floor or the couch or what have you. This way when I’ve had my fill I can leave the party to go on without encumbering it and have my peace as well. Only for a few days until the ceremony. I asked Nut if she wanted to join me of course but she said she was embarrassed with her family here. I can certainly understand that.
June, 5.
So much to do. I thought this would be a simple wedding but it seems these things traditionally go on, well forever. I must also admit here that the amount of money to be spent far exceeds anything I expected. Just housing and feeding and well intoxicating the family is totaling five or six thousand baht a day. I’ve had so much drink pressed upon me today I can’t think straight now, but the whole thing is spiraling out of control really. My living room looks as if, it looks as if what has been going on has been going on. The porch and lawn are covered in plastic bags, Styrofoam containers, empty whisky bottles, beer bottles, food scraps. Stray dogs are everywhere; I was nearly bit this morning coming through my own gate, which has been left open. Not that the gate has done any good as the fire pit grows daily.
I’ve talked to many people about this in the family wondering if they might be able to influence the locals, most of them just shook their head and said mai pen rai, don’t worry, in fact they’re telling me this about everything. Some others who unfortunately were very drunk said I should shoot them and kill them and kill their families and burn down their houses. I think I may have to find my own solution.
We had our first causality yesterday. As the family has been here there has been a card game going constantly. People leave and others come in. Large amounts, what must be very large amounts of money to them, have been lost and won. A fight broke out between two of the cousins, or a brother, I am not sure, but in the ensuing scuffle mothers entire set of Birchwood crockery was wiped out. I am afraid I had a bit of a seizure. Nut was very sorry but couldn’t understand why I was so angry about plates, bless her soul. Well mum, if you’re reading, back whence they come, sorry old dear.
June, 7.
I am a married man! Unbelievable, a bachelor for these many years and just like that wedded. I don’t know if I’m supposed to feel different but I don’t, maybe it hasn’t sunk in yet. It’s not something to go into lightly, the commitment of marriage, not that I have. I know just what I’m doing. The ceremony was a bit of a surprise. I never thought that we would do this so suddenly so I hadn’t researched it all. Monks from the nearby temple showed up at the house before day break, Nuts brother came to get me at the resort, and I had no Idea what he was talking about.. When I arrived home there were pillows laid out on the floor of the veranda, the monks - there was I suppose five of them sat in a line and Nut and I kneeled in front of them while they chanted for a minute or two. Then the oldest, the Abbott I think, tied our wrists together with string and all of the people in the house came by or staggered by, and dropped some small bills on another pillow in front of us. Nut undid the string from my wrist and said ‘we marry already’ picked up the bills from the pillows and led us inside where there were a couple of pots of food along with bottles of drink.
It was all over in about fifteen minutes. For me it’s not about the ceremony but the intention, so the brevity is of no concern to me. As long as Nut is happy then so am I. There were more fees to pay to the monks and for the food of course. So this is it, settled down to a wife and home at last.
June, 9.
Just arrived at the resort for the night, nearly two weeks out of my own house and my patience is wearing a bit. I may not completely understand Thai culture, but I think I know something about common decency. I am very happy to have Nuts family, that is, her mother, father and siblings, but I think the time has come for the party to break up and some of them to go.
I am not even entirely sure who was here at the beginning and who has come in the mean time. The house is in a state of anarchy. Nut keeps assuring me that it’s perfectly normal and that my hospitality is very well thought of. I am afraid I’ve seen little or no evidence of it. Besides some of the rubbish having been moved to the burning pile and set alight last night, no one has lifted a finger to clean. Nut is constantly asking that I buy more alcohol, more food, cigarettes for her uncles and cousins. I don’t really believe that this can be standard; there aren’t many Thai families that could afford it. Then on top of it, as Nut accompanied me to the resort she told me it was expected that I would support her parents from now on. From now on? What can that mean, they’re far younger then I. For the rest of my life? For the rest of theirs, after I’m dead? My head is spinning with it all. I am constantly being handed glasses of whisky and cannot refuse, when I say no thank you, they just tell me a little bit little bit. That many little bits have left me stupefied for the last four days.
Tomorrow I thought I might ask Jack and Thae to come for some relief to the monotony, maybe even Stan and his girl, even Terry would be a relief. Incredibly, I understand quite a lot of what’s being said, and have altered my speech so that I am communicating on a fair level. The entire family has taken to calling me ta-kee. I hope its not some embarrassing nickname Nut has given me that has spread.
Just these few minutes of peace has relaxed me. Not being very familiar with the language it does seem to be very loud. Especially when so much of it is shouting, not at all like the class I took back home. Ha. Some sleep I do believe is the answer. Always a better tomorrow. I do look forward, selfishly, to getting Nut back to myself. She seems to have changed so much in the year. She’s bigger, fuller you might say. She is also much less shy. She’s been drinking right along with everyone else and many times she’s reeked of cigarette smoke. I guess the wild university life. Soon enough we will be together and with time this will be just a pleasant memory, I hope.
June, 10.
I have been stabbed! Not metaphorically. Through my life of sixty eight years I have lived with dignity. I have avoided any physical confrontation and now half a world away from the violence of the western world I have been stabbed in my own home by my wife’s brother. It’s not serious they said as they put the stitches in. Thank god Jack was there and took me to the hospital in Prechuap, the provincial capital seventy Kilometers north. He says they don’t even let visitors out of the Trong Suan clinic alive.
To recount, the party was going as strong as ever yesterday afternoon. Jack and Thae came with food and beer from the restaurant and it was immediately descended on. People were like savages. Thae who is a respected member of the community was embarrassed by the behavior. Jack would hear nothing of it and although he speaks no Thai he got their attention and set a few people straight. When things quieted down he and I headed for the porch to sit and have a chat. When to my own disbelief Nut came out and gave Jack what he described as a bollocking, fluently using the kinds of words I didn’t think she even knew. Saying that he had embarrassed her family and since this was her house he should leave.
I couldn’t believe my ears. I took her aside and pointed out to her that her family had shown very little respect indeed to either Jack or his wife and that so far, they were the only ones who had contributed anything to the nonstop party. I believe I was a little carried away. At first she was crying then angry and then crying again. I tried my best to calm her and when she relaxed she went back inside.
By this time Thae had come out to the porch and said she wanted to go. I apologized profusely to her. She looked more sad then angry but I could see Jack was becoming very tense. Nut came out with her oldest brother Pa, I thought they had come to apologize when Pa began yelling at me. He was very drunk and weaving back and forth. Pointing his finger. By then the doorway was full of people, some yelling some laughing some very quiet and serious looking. For a second I thought I even recognized some of the boys from the village. Then Jack went into a rage yelling back at them and using some very choice words. I was so shocked by the entire scene I could barely understand what was happening. Then suddenly there was a flash and I felt a warm wetness under my shirt. Thae yelled out and Jack, like a bull, went into the crowd. I sat down and saw the blood coming out. I couldn’t believe it, blood. I have never bled like that, never seen blood like that. The next thing I clearly remember is Jack driving me in his old truck to the hospital and Thae holding a compress against my side.
A flesh wound they said, well I’m glad about that. Eight stitches, the first stitches of my life. It really doesn’t hurt; I’m surprised and can’t stop looking at it. It’s funny looking. Spent the night in the hospital. Nut was here at the resort when I arrived. She was in a state. All night she didn’t know what had happened to me. Thinking I might be dead. I would have called her but I don’t know the hand phone number yet. We had a good long talk. She apologized for everything and said she took her brother to the temple last night and they prayed for me and for forgiveness all night. She said everyone had gone home and that tomorrow we would go back to the house and finalize the marriage.
She’s staying with me tonight; she said she has to take care of me. Jack came around in his normal good humor, laughing about the whole thing. He told me how he once drove a car into a telephone pole and lay on the road measuring the blood as it came out of his head by the handful. To watch him tell the story is almost painfully funny. He left a half bottle of scotch that I have partaken of generously. I thanked him and extended my thanks to his wife. I think I will have at least one friend here, not of course counting Nut. Tragedy brings people closer; or together in our case.
June, 11.
A day of peace and rejuvenation at the resort. Away from the circus that my home had become. In the last four days or so I forgot the reason I came to this spot, the beauty of it. The sea and the beach backed against the jungle. Nut has just gone for a lie down. I believe she is as fagged as I. Probably worse, as she had to be the constant hostess. Mum and dad came down today and we had dinner here on the beach. They were very sorry for the stabbing and glad that I was alright. They kept it very light and assured me that Pa would never do anything like that, which I don’t understand because he did. Let bygones be I guess. They are really a very lovely pair. They were so worried about the price of everything, asking the waitress again and again how much it would be, I was afraid they were going to try and start haggling over the price. It’s as if they were thinking that at some point they might be asked to pay for something, but Nut told me they were just proud.
I don’t know. When you live in extreme poverty as they have it must be magnificent to watch someone pay what would be a whole month’s salary for a dinner. Dad and I finished off the scotch and had a couple of brandies. I have always been partial to brandy and they make a fine substitute here. Tomorrow we will be back to the house and survey the damage. Just a few more minutes of sitting here and enjoying the sea. I have always loved the sea at night, sipping my brandy. Nut has been nursing me non-stop and like a child I love the attention. She was just like her old self tonight. Just the way I remember her, the way I fell in love with her. I didn’t even mention the tattoo. What would be the point?
Dad suggested I might fund the building of some small structure at the local temple to add merit to the family. I think he may be confused about my financial situation but I leave Nut to explain this to him. I still need to take an exact figure on what happened over the last week(s).
June, 12.
My writting about this. I had to take my journal with me here. It’s good to have some people talk to. But it’s a hell of long walk in dark.
What is wrong with these god dammed dogs. Who owns the bloody things? Why don’t they shoot every of them. Terry old Terry hes right now. He told me the truth about it. Everything bloody everything.
What is wrong these people. What I done them. How they want? And Nut so these?
June, 13.
Its late morning and I’m sober, terribly sober. I will not cross out the last passage. This kind of incoherent scribbling shows just how fractured my mind was.
I returned to my home yesterday morning with the greatest feeling for our future. Nut had gone early to breakfast with her parents. When I arrived the gates were swinging open and the house was empty, except for the trash. Everything is gone. Down even to my clothing. The mattresses, the cupboards. Two ceiling fans had been removed.
The whole scene was so abstract and bizarre that I literally had a fit, a convulsive fit. Luckily the trash strewn across the floor broke my fall and besides opening a few stitches I was uninjured. When I came too I sat in the heap of garbage and wept. All of the material things in the world mean nothing to me. Not the family heirlooms passed to me over the centuries. Or all of the appliances, or my suits, nor the service awards and bridge trophies from the shelves. Nothing. The trust and love of Nut, who has gone with the rest is what has broken me. I am in fact sober for now but I don’t believe I will be able to stand being for much longer. The memory of the place comes to me as a deep gauging pain in my stomach. I made a thorough investigation of the property and then asked around the village to try and find out what happened. No one would answer me, no one would even look at me. They talked around me, totally ignoring me. I did hear my new nickname ---Ta Kee- mentioned a few times, which Thae thankfully let me know later that night means shit eyes. That’s me, shit eyes.
When I went to the police and told them what happened they asked to see my passport, which is gone with the rest of my belongings. They were going to arrest me for being here illegally. I was beyond belief and continued to argue my rights when they handcuffed me. Finally I convinced them to call Thae. When she and Jack came to pick me up I could barely speak. My brain seemed to be shutting down, section by section. I stayed at Jacks where I became absolutely gutted with the rest of them. I don’t remember much but I remember that there seemed to be some sympathy for me somewhere.
Today I’m at Terry’s who owns a kind of resort here. Completely empty, I’m not surprised. He has come around already with a mix of good will and mockery. Regardless, I’m going up to take his offer of a drink. I feel like hell as it is, it can’t get much worse.
No good Terry’s said it, he s alright. That he knows about it. Could tell you something about it.
June, 17.
I have never felt despair until now. I have led a very sheltered life. A life of order and semi-discipline. The discipline of the faceless worker. Each day I knew what was ahead of me. Each day of my life I knew where I was to be, what I was to do. When I would eat, sleep and wake up. The type of routine life that civilization is based on. Until now I have never wasted time deliberately. But what do you do when you have nothing. When your world has been stripped bare of purpose.
For the last four days I have been more or less drunk. I remember bits and pieces. I remember the days but not the parts of days. They just blend together with no clear points of reference. I remember being at Thae’s restaurant with all of the Niggers and laughing and joking - at myself, at Nut, at my own stupidity. The big jokes on shit eyes. Somehow along the way we have sorted out the police with the help of Terry’s wife.
I paid a bribe. I paid off the police not to arrest me because everything I have has been stolen out of my house. We’ve contacted the police in Hua Hin. Asked them to look out for the family or Nut or any of my things but they said there was really nothing that could be done about it. I have shut the house up temporarily. And throughout it all I drank.
I have never understood drunks. The few times in my life that I have been drunk I have felt so poorly the next day I could never understand why anyone would want to do it on a daily basis or even a yearly basis. Then, nothing has ever happened in my life that has made me want to lose contact with myself. The irony is that Terry, and the others to a lesser extent, have started insulting me for drinking. These people who have lived in semi-alcoholic stupors their entire adult lives as far as I can tell are insulting me, I don’t even like it, and it’s just easy now. So be it. There is nothing now but to go to Bangkok and visit the embassy to start the process of getting a new passport. Part of the bribe I paid the police was to give me a report saying that mine had been stolen. I have no idea what shape my finances are in after this. Everyone has told me to sell the house, which of course is a joke because I don’t own it. Nut and her family robbed their own house. My little angel, the girl I left the country of my birth and a comfortable retirement to set up for life has robbed me of happiness and herself of security.