© Ivana Hrubá 2011
Smashwords edition
Dear Reader,
What you’re about to read is nothing you couldn’t live without but definitely worth what you paid for it … Enjoy!
INTRODUCTION:
Ivana Hrubá is a lovely, lovely girl and a writer of some "notable" talent, the sum of which will, just for your entertainment, be very modestly noted here. Specializing in writing bold, quirky and outrageously entertaining fiction, Ivana is what we call an undiscovered gem, an exotic island waiting to be explored or, as some people say, a territory best left uncharted.
Ivana devised her first novel at the tender age of twelve when she was but a wee little girl wearing out her brother's hand-me-downs, chasing the geese off the village green in her native Czech Republic which was then under communist rule. Filled with poultry and very long sentences, Ivana's idyllic childhood came to an abrupt end in 1983 when she and her family crossed the Alps on foot to seek a new life free of communists and their blasted queues. After a year spent frolicking in a West German refugee camp, the family finally had a gutful of that sort of adventure and settled in Australia in 1984 where they've been living it up ever since.
Forward twenty years. Following the publication of her debut thriller, the psychological 'A Decent Ransom' in 2008, Ivana developed the habit of talking about herself in the third person, a skill that comes in particularly handy when writing biographies. To this end, Ivana has also conquered her fear of appearing ridiculous due to excessive bragging as can be seen in this very intro right here. In the tradition of all gifted folk, working for a living has never appealed to our author; therefore, Ivana has largely given up on the idea, preferring to spend her time writing books. How long she can keep it up will depend on how well her books sell... (Ivana has recently split the atom (again) when she discovered ebook publishing on the net and proceeded to convert her entire body of work into ebooks in hopes of a tremendous public response. Hint, hint, this is where you, the public, come in).
In the wake of the tremendous success of her debut novel (18 copies sold in North America alone) Ivana has retreated from her adoring public to gain some much needed perspective on her life. These days Ivana can be found traipsing around her garden practicing the ancient art of Feng Shui which, in Ivana’s case, consists of pouring manure on her flower beds and cutting shrubbery into interesting geometrical shapes. Yes, a regular Edward Sissorhands, Ivana’s letting her creative juices flow in many a new and varied direction. Having successfully faded from the public view, Ivana has been able to spread her creative wings and work as a freelance writer completely undetected, dabbling in corporate copywriting, theatre promotion and wedding speeches. Finding these ventures a little more financially rewarding than her high-brow literary pursuits, Ivana has decided to seek out more of them so if you, dear reader, find yourself in need of a writer, give her a bell. She’ll be delighted to get involved.
At the close of each day, Ivana likes to unwind in front of the computer, googling herself and drawing cartoons for her own amusement. To unwind from that pleasure, she takes her dogs, cats, mice, lice, ponies, chickens and goldfish for a walk down the beach. It's a good life for everyone involved and, for the most part, Ivana has always enjoyed herself tremendously in it. However, certain unfortunate events, namely the untimely demise of her publisher Kunati Inc. in late 2009, left Ivana feeling rather flat, like she had lost the key to the executive washroom. Yes, the Key to the Executive Washroom! Some of you who are fellow Published Authors will understand completely the scope of her devastation, for obtaining the Key to the Executive Washroom is the Mecca of all writers. It comes as no surprise then that having once obtained it, Ivana had every intention of holding onto it. Yes, Ivana had liked having that key.
Not a day went by without Ivana mentioning to all and sundry that she was a Published Author with a Two Book Deal and that Sales of 'A Decent Ransom: A Story of a Kidnapping Gone Right' were Trending Upwards. On the days when Fan Mail arrived, there was no stopping her; armed with her trusty wine funnel, she trumpeted the news far and wide, catching unsuspecting passers-by at the bus stop, at the bakery, and on the school run. Yes, people, those were giddy times.
Ah well, all good things must come to an end. Her publisher's exit from the market economy had, for a moment or two, dampened Ivana’s spirits but she eventually got over it and for a while was determined to get herself another key to the executive loo. She was foolishly hoping for a bigger, more established and dare she say more financially stable executive loo to offer her a key. So she fired off queries left, front and centre, offering her wares. Nothing happened, folks, and eventually, it dawned on her that the door to the executive loo was firmly shut and staying that way. But every cloud has a silver lining! Ivana did get some lovely rejections during this process; beautiful, powerful sentiments wishing her luck elsewhere. Overcome with gratitude, Ivana has pasted them up into a keepsake album, and is thinking of e-publishing them herself. (Stay tuned).
Meanwhile, if you find yourself with a spare 5, 6 hours and can't get hold of a Bollywood movie, why don't you just download Ivana’s books hey? They’re a global phenomenon these days; what with the internet and all … you’ll be sure to find them on Smashwords, Barnes & Noble, Amazon in your country, etcetera, etcetera, just give it a go. It will only take a minute and you'll be glued (she writes “good”, you know). You will make her very happy. Cheers, Yours Truly
Just in case you’ve missed the point of this here silly introduction to this obscure author, this is your chance to open up your horizons and experience a delicious literary treat … Tempted? Probably not, hey, but you can’t a blame a girl for trying …
Treat number 1:
Phoebus Klein is a vulnerable young boy from the wrong side of the tracks. He is a good, gentle soul living a sad and isolated existence deep in the heart of Pristine Mountain. Poor, friendless and with no real prospects of getting on in the world, Phoebus has but one ally, his older brother Kenny, who dreams of infamy of biblical proportions. When Kenny comes up with a plan to kidnap a woman for ransom, the innocent Phoebus is forced to take part in the crime. Put in charge of the beautiful young woman, Phoebus does his best to keep her happy while waiting for the ransom to be paid. However, not everything goes according to plan …
Review:
Finely layered and compelling, this is a well-written thriller about the rich inner landscapes that can exist in bleak surroundings. Hruba does particularly well developing the relationship between Phoebus and the kidnapped woman. He looks after her and protects her through to the end, even though he is aware that she has an agenda he doesn't agree with to get revenge on her husband. In 'A Decent Ransom' the fates of all the characters, driven by madness, greed, love, revenge and hope for something better, come together within a clever plot that moves with humour and pathos to a satisfying conclusion in this well crafted and totally absorbing story. Bernadette Gooden, Matilda Reviews, May 2009
Unsolicited testimonial:
Treat number 2:
An almost biographical and definitely riotous tale of adolescence begun behind the Iron Curtain, continued in a West German refugee camp and coming to a glorious end in the land Down Under.
Cabbage, Strudel & Trams tells the story of a young girl’s turbulent journey from childhood to adulthood, of adolescence begun behind the Iron Curtain, continued in a West German refugee camp and coming to a glorious end in the land Down Under. Narrated by Franta, an imaginary friend inhabiting the inner world of our young heroine Vendula, this satirical coming-of-age tale depicts the trials and tribulations of an ordinary Czech family living in a small mining town in communist Czechoslovakia in the early 1980s, their escape to West Germany and their resettlement in Australia.
The story begins when the combined household of Zhvuk & Dribbler is thrown into chaos by the untimely defection of Uncle Stan to West Germany. With nothing but their damaged political profile to lose, the family decides to eventually follow in Uncle Stan’s footsteps but not before puberty, free enterprise, unrequited love and things that only happen to other people shred our young heroine’s heart. With charm, poise and a little grace, Franta navigates Vendula through the pitfalls of her teenage years, guiding her to discover her own identity. As shenanigans gather momentum, Franta’s humorous insights into Vendula’s loopy family: the assertive mother, the henpecked father, the enterprising granddad, the blissful grandma, the dissenting uncle and his circle of “freedom fighting” friends build a picture of the life of ordinary folk surviving the oppressive communist regime.
Well, even straw will eventually break the camel’s back. Following a trip to the almighty Soviet “Onion” where rows of empty shop windows reveal the future all too clearly, the family escapes to West Germany. Unexpectedly, the refugee camp, a colourless shapeless blur on the edge of a dark, dark forest where only goblins live, is a “happy” kind of place in which tobacco chewing, nose picking, throat clearing, the occasional riot, and plentiful and uninhibited sexual exploits are the order of the day. Of course, life is not all beer and crackers for our heroes; having carved out some sort of an existence in the camp, new challenges arise when the family arrives in Australia.
Review:
What
grabbed me, kept me reading Cabbage, Strudel and Trams is the use of
language. It’s the language, the descriptions, the play with words,
and that Ivana Hrubá not only tells a story in a unique way, but
also has fun with what could otherwise be a morose tale in the
reading. Hrubá still shares difficult times, doesn’t make less of
them, but she makes them lighter to read. After I finished it I took
a moment to let the story set in, to absorb it, and I really feel her
writing style is the winning factor. I found the story entertaining
and humorous, the characters uniquely portrayed and fleshed out
enough to be planted in one’s memory, and just enough depth in
description of surroundings to paint a picture. I also really enjoyed
the use of narration with the story not being told via first person
in the sense of Vendula (the person we are following), but instead
told by Franta who appears to be an imaginary friend. There are
illustrations all through the book to show and emphasize the
characters and the story itself. Some of them are quite comical,
setting off the wonderful sense of humour, and some are just plain
cute. Cabbage, Strudel, and Trams is something I’d recommend to
those who have an interest in biography, Communist communities, and
what it’s like to immigrate to a new culture, but only if those
people appreciate a sense of humour and don’t want something that
dwells on the downside.
Dutchie, Bookish Ardour, February 2011
Solicited testimonial:
If short stories are your cup of tea, Ivana has those too... LOADS!
A collection of amusing minutiae revealing the absurdity of our existence.
Three tragically amusing short stories revealing the pitfalls of marriage, friendship and romance after forty.
The Long Lunch - A slightly scandalous tale revealing the trials and tribulations of online dating for women over forty
The Man of Constant Sorrow - A very public and altogether sordid tale of a 40th birthday celebration taking place at the races
The Remains of the Cheese - A savory tale of bedroom secrets, moral dilemmas and the reckless consumption of far too many bottles of very cheap champagne
A fragrant account of one man's struggle to succeed against incredible odds. (Inspirational)
Cursed with a stupid name and an embarrassing condition — TMG/CEFD (Too Much Gas/Continual Excessive Flatulence Disorder) otherwise known as F.L.A.T.U.L.E.N.C.E Disorder (Fetid, Loud, Abominably Turbulent & Utterly Lethal, Extremely Noxious Current (wind) Expulsion Disorder) commonly referenced as FLATULENCE, Jesus Kryst was a thoroughly unfortunate man. Farting uncontrollably all the time, Jesus suffered ridicule, bad luck and persecution, and was about to throw in the towel when he discovered the power of the fart and turned his life around.
This fragrant and inspirational account of one man’s struggle to succeed against incredible odds is sure to bring a tear to your eye and a scented hankie to your nose. Illustrated by the author whose vivid imagination and sledgehammer wit has become legendary to her fans (4), The Tale of a Worthy Albeit Slightly Flatulent Young Man is well worth the $0.99 download fee. Enjoy!
Solicited testimonials:
Aromatic and pungent … Fan Number 1
A tour de force to be reckoned with ... Fan Number 2
The truth reeks … Fan Number 3
Deliciously putrid … Fan Number 4
A stinking tale … A randomly approached reader who is NOT a fan
A collection of letters to Dear Ned, an Agony Aunt with an eye for the bizarre, the unfortunate, the misshapen, and the plain silly.
The Cautionary Tale of a Young Doodler:
P. Casso, an unremarkable young man in charge of phone enquiries in an art gallery, spends his working hours in a pleasant daze doodling aimlessly at his desk until a random drawing lands him in such an unexpected awkward situation, the young man is compelled to write to Dear Ned for advice.
The Tale of Desperately Boring Mike:
Dear Ned is called upon to help desperately boring Mike, a young man who, by his own admission, is desperately boring and consequently has trouble attracting the opposite sex. Will Dear Ned be able to help? He might if he can stay awake long enough to read the entire letter…
The Tale of the Tall Lady and the Feisty Midget:
Dear Ned has to arbitrate when a romance goes awry after a tall lady engaged to a feisty midget with a suspicious mind and unresolved anger management issues begins to doubt their future together.
The Pungent Tale of the Open-Toe Sandal:
When a maid of honour gets demoted to a banquet hall usher at her sister’s wedding due to her foot odour problem, the unfortunate lady turns to Dear Ned for advice, thinking he might be the only one able to help with the embarrassing situation. But could this be the straw that broke the camel’s back for Dear Ned?
To find out the answer to this and the other ‘conundrums’ Dear Ned is facing in this here volume of amusing albeit silly stories, download them NOW and let us know how you liked them. Cheers, Yours Truly
And just as you thought it was over, there’s one more (for the kiddies):
Shloppy is a plop. Edmund is a cat. Shloppy and Edmund are best friends. Shloppy likes to sing and Edmund likes to eat. Shloppy and Edmund spend a lot of time together doing funny things. They go fishing. They climb trees. They jump over houses. Sometimes they go exploring in the forest. Best of all, they like to skate and learn new tricks, and show them here, in this seriously cute cartoon series for seriously cute but still extremely cool kids.
The Silly Adventures of Shloppy the Plop & Edmund the Cat is a comic book series directed at primary school boys from 6 years of age. Featuring humorous storylines and easy-to-understand age-appropriate dialogue and illustrations, the series aims to attract children who are reluctant readers. Written and illustrated by Ivana Hrubá, an experienced early childhood teacher, the series offers a bridging experience for the early reader whose reading skills and attention span are not sufficiently developed for reading chapter books. Featuring two main characters, Shloppy the Plop, a very cute mythical creature with mannerisms, behaviours and interests of a typical young boy, and Shloppy’s best friend, a cat called Edmund, the short, humorous stories depict everyday situations most children experience during the course of their daily lives, as well as imaginary adventures all children can relate to.
In case you haven’t had enough of Ivana’s blatant attempt at shameless self-promotion, here’s some more stuff about the author you don’t really need to know…
Some of Ivana's favorite things are:
Good conversation, good coffee, chocolate, original ideas, saving the planet for all creatures big and small, kindness, people who do not take themselves seriously, European forests, Prague, Ostrava in the early 1980s, cobble-stoned streets anywhere, cute bear cubs, skateboarding, walking dogs on the beach, traveling back in time, writing, drawing cartoons, and of course, good books...
Other favourites include:
Old people driving slowly on busy roads on busy days, geometrically shaped trees, saxophone solos, people who won't buy the book but will watch the movie, queues at the bank, queues at the taxi rank, queues anywhere really, paying good money for a concert ticket only to find a real tall person in the seat in front of you, inexplicable skin irritations, hemorrhoids, women of that 'certain age' asking people how old they think they are, pageant mums, fat people suffering high self-esteem, skinny people suffering low self-esteem, men with beards, women with beards, men with an eye for a pretty young thing, women who date inmates, all sequels and prequels, newlyweds, new parents and people who relentlessly flog their books any which way possible ...
I know, I know, here goes 14 minutes of your life you’ll never get back … And on that high note — Cheers, and thanks for taking the time, Ivana
P.S. You can also 'like' Yours Truly here, at her Facebook page dedicated to our lovely author and her silly cartoons a.k.a. a relentless and blatant advertising campaign flogging the utterly obscure literary "pearls" written by Yours Truly.
Betraying not a glimmer of thought in her deep-set wandering eyes, the author treads a fine line between profound stupidity and misunderstood genius…
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Any similarity to real persons, entities, or companies is purely coincidental and not intended to represent real living persons. Real brand names, company names, names of public personalities or real people may be employed for credibility because they are part of our culture and everyday lives. Regardless of context, their use is meant neither as endorsement nor criticism: such names are used fictitiously without intent to describe their actual conduct or value. All other names, products or brands are inventions of the author’s imagination. The author and the publisher of this work, its distributors, retailers, wholesalers and assigns disclaims any liability or responsibility for how this work is interpreted by its readers. The author and the publisher assume no responsibility for factual errors, inaccuracies, or omissions.