Brother Eutychus's Churchianity Mail Order Catalog
By Tom F. Twain
Copyright © 2011
Smashwords Edition
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Brother Eutychus's Churchianity Mail Order Catalog
"Everything the Nominal Christian,
Priest, Pastor, or Modern Congregation
Needs to Practice Churchianity
For Control, Fun, and Profit."
Introduction
Brethren and Sisteren, I'm Brother Eutychus*, but you can call me "Brother Eu." I've spent many years developing the products in this small catalog. Biblical Christianity is nice, but most believers are involved in modern Churchianity. Yes, I know, Christians should have faith in God, but sometimes if you're practicing Churchianity, you have to help things along a bit. In the following pages you'll find products, gadgets, helps, hints, and rules for playing the Churchianity game. Of course, I'm sure your congregation doesn't need any of these products—but you might send a copy of my catalog to that backsliding worldly church down the street.
*Acts 20:9
Note: Some people controlled by the devil have criticized me for manufacturing my products in India. They say I am trying to use those poor people at slave wages. Blasphemers! These factories are a Christian outreach ministry! It just so happens that those people don't lust after filthy lucre. Every one of my plants has a chapel that they can visit if they want on their five minute lunch break. Others have criticized me living on my very small humble estate in Mexico. Brothers and sisters, I would gladly still be living in the good old USA if it wasn't for the demonic ungodly persecution from the IRS and the police. All I will say is that the righteous always have many enemies in the world.
Ordering Instructions: Dear Seekers, pick out the items you are praying for and send the correct amount of filthy lucre to the mailing address below. No checks or credit cards. In God we trust—the rest of you send cash money. All orders discreetly packaged and delivered in a plain brown paper wrapping or unmarked containers. All items prayed over in spirit by Brother Eu in his prayer chapel by the second swimming pool in the south wing of his Cancun, Mexico parsonage. No extra charge.
Mailing address:
Brother Eutychus's Churchianity Mail Order Catalog Warehouse
Box 47395
Demas Drive
Dinero Grande, Mexico
Brother Eutychus's Product List
Brother Eu's Slumber Time Sermon Glasses
Brother, are you tired of the embarrassment of being caught sleeping through your pastor's long boring sermons? Are your sermon snoozes keeping you off the fast track to some prestigious church office? Not to worry! Just order a pair of Brother Eu's Slumber Time Sermon Glasses .Each lens has a natural looking attentive open eye painted on it. Now, you can sleep on—and still look spiritual. Available in all shades of brown, green, and blue. Made by Hindus in India. Price: $300.00 love offering. Double the love offering for contacts.
Brother Eu's Church Meeting Boxing Gloves
Remember the bickering over the color of the choir's robes at the last church business meeting? Turn that ugly arguing into cash! Order a set of Brother Eu's Church Meeting Boxing Gloves, today. Let them duke it out on the church lawn. You'll draw a bigger crowd, and the meeting will be interesting for once. Generate extra income by taking bets on who'll win. Made by Hindus in India. Price: $500.00 love offering for a set of two pair. Add an extra $200.00 for lead filled gloves.
Brother Eu's Theological Jargon Translator
Ever heard a sermon where you had to be a prophet to even understand part of the opening greeting? Order Brother Eu's Theological Jargon Translator. This compact little computer can translate the murkiest theological double talk into plain English, and even compares the Preacher's quotes to the original Bible languages. Now that sneaky pastor of yours can't use the last refuge of a scoundrel in a theological debate: "In the original Greek, it says X." Every church member needs one of these babies! After all, how are you going to criticize the Preacher's sermon at Sunday dinner if you don't know what the heck he was talking about? Made by Hindus in India. Price: $500.00 love offering. Caution: Do not use regular model at Theological Seminaries. For use in a seminary, order the heavy duty model. Price: $1,500.00 love offering. We know that's expensive, but it takes a lot more computing power to decipher the gobble-de-gook of Professors of Theology.