Depressional Thoughts
By Kennie Kayoz
Smashwords Edition
Copyright 2011 Coyotes Publishing
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Kennie -
Depressional Thoughts
For the last three days I've been depressed, keeping to myself.
Thinking about all the bullshit and stress back at the other house.
Everything
always getting dumped on me.
No way to escape it.
Shiny objects
looking friendlier and friendlier.
Not
wanting to be in this world anymore.
No I'm not on any sort of
pill.
No I don't want to be on any sort of pill.
My depression
continues to get worse and worse.
I continue to feel as if I can't
do anything right.
I'm doing nothing but screwing up everyones
lives.
They would be better off without me.
They would be alot
happier without me.
I can't help but think that, and at times say
it too.
My girlfriend says she wouldn't be.
But over the last week or so we've had very little good things happen.
Happiness isn't something that comes to either one of us much anymore.
The
depression of one drags the other one down.
Constantly living in a
world of grey and black.
Constantly wanting to leave this world in
a pool of red.
Or with an empty bottle beside me.
- Kennie -
All You Do...
All you do
is yell at me.
Tell me that I'm not good enough.
Tell me that
so and so did the job so I have to do it better.
I can't
stand this, your stressing me out.
What would happen if I started
to shout.
Nothing, nobody would hear, would do no good.
I feel
as if I got nothing I can do.
To make myself feel better.
All you do
is yell at me.
Tell me that I'm not good enough.
Tell me that
so and so did the job so I have to do it better.
No wonder
I've had thoughts of suicide in my mind.
Thinking that if I did so
everything would be fine.
You tell me that this is the life I
chose.
Every night I goto bed angry, every morning I rose.
All you do
is yell at me.
Tell me that I'm not good enough.
Tell me that
so and so did the job so I have to do it better.
Would
things have been better if I did turn to the knife.
Thinking that
in the end all would be right.
I would not see the bright light.
I
wouldn't think hell would be any worse than this.
I doubt that I
would even be missed.
All you do
is yell at me.
Tell me that I'm not good enough.
Tell me that
so and so did the job so I have to do it better.
Kennie Kayoz
Election or Erection ?
Why do we
vote ?
I feel like we're all slaves and we don't even know
it...
In the USA they're trying to encourage people to register to
vote.
In Canada they don't give a shit, that's why our polls are a
fucking joke.
... Lets step out the box for a moment....
We have a
election coming up, and it's all fucking retarded.
There's Stephen
Harper fighting tooth and nail against Helena Guergis
Yet they
both what my vote.
It's like standing in the middle of two bullies
as they fight each other and they try to convince you that one's a
better friend than the other.
It's all a "He Said" "She
Said" sort of battle.
Not really any different then having
two babies and taking one of the rattles.
While
they're fighting whose going to run the country.
Are they really
up for doing what's best for me ?
They all claim the exact same
thing "Lower Taxes & More Jobs"
But really what
they're saying is "Higher taxes so you can pay me you slobs"
Why would
they even give two shits about the common man.
It's common that
they act this way just to get our vote.
When they finally get up
in office they're minds go blank.
It all becomes "me me me me
me" is all they want to please.
Taxes and Gas go up...
Jobs
are tougher to find, they become less and less.
As the country
becomes a bigger mess.
You all go
against your word once you get into office.
So tell me while your
all busy screwing over people like me why should I give a shit and
vote for you ?
Anyone of you, not just the two I named... But
anyone of you why, why should I give a shit to vote ?
No reason
too.
Everything ends up the same.
Nobody ends up happy.
The end of an election is just like finishing masterbating, your always tired, exhausted and ready for bed and yet you can't help but feel that you put all your energy into the task that was in your hand...
- Kennie -
From Friend 2 Asshole..
A few
months back you were saying we were the best friends you could
have.
Always cared, always doing anything you asked of us.
Then
you took time off work, had your sister call in.
A few random text
messages saying things aren't good and to call.
I called some guy
named "Mike" answers the phone.
Later sending me a text
message claiming you had relations with my fiance.
After
questioning her and watching her goto tears infront of me the anger
built.
It continues to build as your silence now becomes your way
of life.
No longer giving a shit about you.
Thinking every day
how I would have reacted if you said it to my face.
You of all
people to say something like that.
Already knowing you were
intimidated of me due to my size.
I got another size that can be
placed between your ex-wifes thighs.
She can feel what it's like
to be with a real man.
Not the one who quickly turns yellow and
takes the cowardly stand.
Hope your silence continues cause it'll forever be the death of you from my life.
- Kennie -
Grass Cutting
Got told
to cut the grass today.
I complained saying its too wet.
It
rained shortly after to add to the wetness.
Got bitched at later
on.
Once again to cut the grass.
You can see the deck still wet
from the rain we had.
For some
reason people don't understand
They think the grass is
insta-dry.
But under cloudy skies.
Lay down salt and it can be
insta-die.
I've
always hated cutting the grass.
But it pisses me off more when u
watch it rain.
Then tell me to go out and cut a few hours
later.
You think you know what your talking about.
Worried
about weeds taking over.
But puddles to walk through are
fine.
Gotta drop everything just for you.
But when you forked
out triple digits.
You said you would help out.
Now when you go
and do it, You scream and shout.
I don't
get you.
Never have never will.
You expect me to drop
everything for you.
But yet you won't help me when I need
it.
Remembered my last job.
Had to borrow money for pants and
shoes.
The new shoes and clothes who bought'em ?
Not you, you
wouldn't give me a dollar for a drink.
Since
realizing it I've sat back more.
I've got bitched at more.
I
can't help but get pissed off more.
I won't be here for a
week.
You need to learn.
But I already know.
When I'm
gone....
It won't get done.
Kennie Kayoz
I Can't Stand This...
I feel
like shit.
Been in the bathroom like 4 times before u get
home.
You walk in, act all concerned.
Then tell me to go cut
the grass.
The words
"suck it up buttercup" makes me want to punch u.
With
each passing syllable harder and harder.
Till you don't get
up.
Maybe then I'll feel better.
I doubt
it, nothing could make me feel any better.
All you do is anger
me.
Cause me to want to scream at you.
As you blatanly ignore
me.
Smile and say "I love you" or "your
awesome"
Still want to punch you with each passing syllable.
Why can't
you do something for yourself.
Instead of making more work for
me.
I leave it, you keep screaming and screaming.
Makes me want
to punch you more and more.
The oldest son you love, you
worship.
You ask him to do nothing and praise him for it.
But me you
dump everything on me.
Makes me want to scream.
Even though
when I open my mouth
Nothing comes out.
Stress continues to
build up.
I have so
much stress there's no way it could all leave.
I just can't stand
this
Wish I could just release some stress.
In some way, some
how.
But nothing seems to ever work.
- Kennie Kayoz -
I Need A Change
I need a
change
In my life and the way I'm living.
I need a change
In
my life and the way I'm living.
I need a
change in my life.
I'm tired of myself and everything about
me.
From the smallest detail to the biggest one.
I want to
change my look.
I want to change my religion.
I respect all
religions.
But for some reason things just don't seem to fit.
They
all want to punish the same thing before I commit.
But you hear of
all these "born agains" who have committed.
It makes me
scratch my head and wonder.
Does that really work or is it just a
blunder.
I need a
change
In my life and the way I'm living.
I need a change
In
my life and the way I'm living.
- Kennie Kayoz -
The Unwanted Family
Why is my
family always unwanted.
9 Different cages
7 Cages with mice in
them.
2 With hamsters.
The one who I’m suppose to call mother
won’t let me bring them to her place.
But yet she wants me to be
there and be happy as well to help.
To stay happy I need the
family cause they’ve been there for me.
But of course she don’t
care, just like she don’t care about me.
I don’t want to move
back cause the family can’t come as she don’t want them.
If
she don’t want them then she don’t need me back.
On the street
is my future.
I knew that was my fait back in the day when my mom
got mad.
But now all she does is argue with me, no matter what
gets said.
The Unwanted Family is just like me.
I’m unwanted
too.
- Kennie Kayoz -
Letters Of Depression #1
I can’t
drastically change my life anymore.
I’ve grown old, bitter &
sore.
I don’t want to be alone.
The emptiness has gotten to
me already.
I never know what I’m going to do tomorrow.
I
never know what to do today.
My life got drastically changed twice
in less than a year.
I can’t stand this, I can’t go on like
this.
It’s always been changing for the worse.
It’s
never been changing for the better.
For once I wish it would
change to benefit me an not hurt me…
- Kennie Kayoz -
Deep
Depression
Hurting me is perhaps the only way around
this.
Show that I can’t go on like this and that I must look for
a guiding light.
No more of lifes struggles or the eternal
fight.
The pain in my mind continues to be an eternal freight.
To listen
to the dark voices inside my head.
Continue to picture myself in a
casket dead.
The deep depression has gotten to me numerous times
through out my life.
I wonder if I’d ever beable to find a
wife.
The depression got me doubting everything around me.
I
never thought I would go back to this deep depression.
I don’t
even want to think about what lays beyond this deep depression for
me.
I just don’t want to ….
- Kennie Kayoz -
Hurting
Myself
I continue to proceed to hurt myself.
Both
internally an externally, no matter what it takes.
I know I’m
down now and got to remain this way.
I shall continue to hold this
above me.
Never again shall I be full of happy an glee.
That
just wouldn’t be me…
That would be someone else to beable to
bounce back.
I have been given enough flak.
About everything
from hair, looks to music.
It’s
gotten to the point that it has made me sick.
- Kennie Kayoz -
Just Want
It To End
I just want all this shit to end.
I want to move
an keep everyone of my friends.
But I know by the time all this
does end.
I won’t have a single friend.
The family will be no
longer.
An I shall not be any stronger.
Everyone wants me to
live the lives they want.
No one wants me to be any different than
them.
No matter how hard I try they want me to do what they
want.
Why is it that they won’t let me be me.
I just want all
this shit to end.
I just want to remain with all my furry
friends.
- Kennie Kayoz -
4
Corners
Workin just down the street from the scene of my
fathers last breath.
Havin to look out an constantly remember the
crash that caused my fathers death.
Not the best way to work when
your standing around all night doing little to none.
Laughing,
jokin around, but little things not keeping your mind off things that
aren’t fun.
Loosing
your place at work an havin to stand around totally confused an can’t
think.
Havin to pay for every portion of food an drink.
Things
getting harder an harder as the night goes on.
Not bein able to
think straight not bein able to get certain thoughts outta ya
head.
Tellin people that your not gonna go back an you’d rather
be dead.
- Kennie Kayoz -
Snow
Fall
Havin the night stuck inside the store in which you
work.
Watchin the snow fall, an have to worry bout the drive
home.
Short drive but 4 corners got the nightmare wrapped
around’em.
Not realizing how much it has affected his mind at
this time.
The snowfall continues as the plows roar by.
Uncertain
about how the night would continue to look under a white sheet.
Hopin
that things won’t turn into a ice rink.
Tons of
turns an hills await the drive home.
Kennie remained silent not
sayin much to Crystal.
She remained worried about wonderin what
was wrong.
He later explained himself after he spent the day
sleepin in his bed.
Wakin up to find out she wasn’t going to
stop by.
The thoughts of everything continued to flow through
Kennie’s mind.
But he didn’t have to work tonight so
everything remained fine.
- Kennie Kayoz -
No More
Time At Tims
That uniform won’t be seen on me at anytime in
the near future.
I maybe a superman but that shit be hauntin me
like lex luther.
The mentality in which things put in my mind
isn’t anything I want to deal.
Playin cards with the devil when
I know that my fate is already sealed.
I know that my life has to
get better an I have to get my ass up.
To continue on with another
job in which isn’t near the scene of death.
Already think about
the accident doesn’t need to see the scene constantly.
Stood
around doin nothing the last hour to tell ya honestly.
They don’t
need anymore help, they need direction.
They won’t see me
anymore, I’d rather be hung.
Puttin these lyrics to a
song.
Maybe my only way outta what lays ahead of me.
If they
think they can see me again.
They got another thing coming
considerin I be getting another job real quick.
- Kennie Kayoz -
Pathetic
I can't
help but sit here and feel that certain people are pathetic.
They
comment on there own stuff before anyone reads it.
I really do
feel sorry for them.
But I guess if I wrote that badly.
I would
attempt at things like that too.
This isn't
the first time I've seen it.
Won't be the last time either.
But
if that's what they need to do.
In order for people to read what
they write.
Then I guess that's what they feel is right.
Spend your
time commenting on your own stuff.
If that's what you see fit.
If
you dislike your read count.
Go sit in the corner and pout.
Kennie Kayoz
Sad
All I do anymore is feel sad.
Not sure what has gotten me feeling so bad.
For the most part I just want to sit and cry.
I've always hated my life.
Not sure what I do anymore to make myself happy.
Guess anything I write, is anything but sappy.
At times the thoughts in my own mind don't make sense.
Wishing I could live in a world of just happy thoughts.
A yellow and black happy faces, nothing but positive thoughts.
But that's not the world as we know it.
The world is becoming nothing more than shit.
I can't stand the way things go.
I try to do my best
But my best isn't anything according to the rest.
Always getting left behind.
The world moves so fast around me.
But mine can't keep up.
I don't know how people manage.
- Kennie -
So Hideous
Why was I
made so hideous.
People always think that I'm so ugly.
Always
thinking I'm the one outside in the bushes.
The creep that roams
the street at night.
Decided to
never take care of myself long ago.
Letting myself get worse and
worse.
For the day that I end up in a hearse.
Nobody
will give me the time of day.
Nobody will hire me.
They all
judge by what they see.
Many say different but they all change
there tune.
I always
sit alone in the dark.
People only smile when they walk
by.
Knowing that they don't have to see me all the time.
I'm so
hideous, why do people even care about me.
Why do people even want
anything to do with me.
Kennie Kayoz
The Rain...
Woke up in
the morning, roamed above ground.
As the light hits me, see what I
found.
The deck was wet, it was still falling.
I put my head
against the window.
It made it seem as if I was crying on the
outside.
Atleast my reflection can show some emotion.
I stand
there with a blank stare.
As the rain continues to run down the
window.
Giving the impression that I'm still crying.
But sadly
feeling no better on the inside.
Not sure if I have any emotion
but anger inside.
When my
father died, I forced tears out.
Did so in the bathroom so no one
could see.
It only happened once.
I sit and stare while it
continues to rain
Kennie Kayoz
Untitled
If you
love me let me know.
So I can run away before I know.
My heart
is just to black to care.
It's gone through too much, thick and
thin, wear and tear.
To live
with me and my hate.
I wouldn't put your money on anything that
could be my fate.
I know it won't be good.
I wouldn't know
where to go, or if I should.
My soul was taken long ago.
If I
was to change, I hope I wouldn't know.
I still
watch you from outside, I know I'd never be able to come in.
Your
world is so innocent and my world is full of sin.
I press my hand
against the cold window.
In hopes of feeling some emotion aside
from sorrow.
I should
save my breath since you don't care.
I know that you have made it
very clear.
I guess I was never your friend.
As you did hurt me
in the end.
I never have said that I was a saint.
That is
definitely something you ain't.
Kennie Kayoz
Untitled
I've
always hated people who claim so and so is #1.
But when in doubt
you can't get any higher than me.
90% of what I write becomes
listed in the popular content.
I guess you can call me certified
platinum.
Cause when I write I certainly flatten'em.
Everything
I write gets read.
But yet none of it goes to my head.
I put my
life in text.
I tear people up like a T-Rex.
If you
want to know how I'm feeling.
Read what I write, know if I'm
healing.
I don't resort to the bottle.
Poetry is like jumping
on the throttle.
My mind races with words.
Each line is sharp
as a sword.
Lines go through my mind.
Everything
I write gets read.
But yet none of it goes to my head.
I put my
life in text.
I tear people up like a T-Rex.
Kennie Kayoz
What Did I Do ?
What Did I Do ?
What did I
do to ever deserve this.
At first things seem to be as eternal as
bliss
She says she doesn't remember anything the next day.
Or
is that just what she is starting to say.
Am I really not that
important.
Do I really not mean anything
Am I just going to be
a distant memory soon.
Perhaps forgotten when I'm gone.
Perhaps
I'm forgotten while I'm here.
I don't need to be remembered.
I'm
nothing important.
I already know that.
Does anyone see me when
I walk around.
Or am I invisible to the world.
Only seen in the
eyes of bullies.
Which is turning out to be everyone.
Seems like
nobody is there for me.
She says she doesn't remember.
I
say...
She won't remember when I'm gone.
- Kennie -
You Are My Enemy...
I'm a lit
flame.
What's your future, I predict pain.
Always in the
basement, causes madness.
Don't you
ever call me again.
I'm not your buddy or your pal.
Right here
is where it ends.
You are my enemy.
When are
buddies suppose to be so mean.
There must be hate in the air that
we both breathe.
Always being close to someone thinking there you
were there for us.
I guess I must have misread the meaning of
trust.
I hope you die a bitter death.
Lay in a graveyard where
all you assholes rest.
Now you can hate me cause I'm the best
Shut
down this friendship cause there's no fixing this mess.
You look
at us and be mad that your not satisfied with who you are.
Your
single, divorced and got your kids beggin you for money from a far.
Don't you
ever call me again.
I'm not your buddy or your pal.
Right here
is where it ends.
You are my enemy.
- Kennie -
Thought I would drop something new, been watching alot of the TV Show Dexter...
As per usual always check out my site:
http://CoyotesPublishing.vze.com
Welcome To My World
My
greatest weapon is the pen that I hold, with it I shall do what I
want to anyone.
If you anger me I shall hurt you, I shall become
Gerard Butler in Law Abiding Citizen and take my revenge.
I shall turn into Dexter and chop you up with my words.
My writing is my own personal playground.
It's my own world.
I come and go as I please.
I get to live in it however I want.
I get to seek out the evils in my own life and deal with them however I want.
Who wouldn't want to live in a world of fiction.
You tell me that you don't have fictional thoughts...
Feelings in which you have been let down in life.
Some
people turn to music or movies for there fictional satisfaction.
I
turn to my writing in which I get to write out my fictional
satisfaction for all to read.
- Kennie -