Chronicles of The Josh: A Semi-Biography of South Mississippi’s Local Legend
by
Anthony Jordan
SMASHWORDS EDITION
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PUBLISHED BY:
Anthony Jordan on Smashwords
Cover courtesy of Crystal Leslie
Chronicles of the Josh
Copyright © 2011 by Anthony Jordan
Smashwords Edition License Notes
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Myth #1: The Josh has killed a man
Myth #2: The Josh can stop time
Myth #3: The Josh walked down North Street during Hurricane Katrina
Myth #4: The Josh was viewed as a messiah
Myth #5: The Josh drove an ambulance through the woods
Myth #6: The Josh was followed by the FBI for two years
Myth #7: The Josh defeated a bully with a bow and arrow
Myth #8: The Josh led to the disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa
Myth #9: The Josh changed a man’s race
Myth #10: The Josh saved a damsel by carrying her across hot lava
Myth #11: The Josh was a front man for Journey
Myth #12: The Josh can call down lightning
Myth #13: The Josh swims with alligators
Myth #14: The Josh has drunken forklift operating abilities
Myth #15: The Josh prevented Hurricane Gustav from destroying the MS Gulf Coast
To Mom and Dad, who always believed in me, even when I couldn’t.
To my brother, Brian, his beautiful wife, Connie, and the two lovely nieces and one energetic nephew they gave me, it has been a privilege spending the past few years becoming part of your family.
To the rest of my family, thank you for the inspiration.
To my best friend, Joe Revak, and his family. You have always been there for me even when it was a very unpopular thing to do. You have my eternal gratitude.
To my childhood best friend, Eric Bland, and his family. Thanks for all the laughs during, at times, a very trying high school and college career.
To Sean McNally, thanks for the Four Word. Always had fun writing with you. You’re probably my best ‘net friend.
To Dylan Richardson, thanks for the author blurb. You’re probably the only one who could challenge Sean for “best ‘net friend.”
To Bev Walton-Porter, you doubled as my editor and a voice of inspiration. Couldn’t have made it this far without you.
To Crystal Leslie for the cover. Thanks for making my book look legit…perhaps too legit.
To Luke Harris, you were the greatest owner to work for as well as the greatest owner ever. You helped me grow as a writer and to accept new ideas in my writing.
To Christopher Mueller, I know I always inspired you, but you made me bring my best every time. You’re also the biggest fan of Anthony Jordan, the person, that I’ve ever seen. You never let me get too down on myself.
To Timmy Tabor, the other greatest owner. We had some fights, but it was probably because we’re too similar for our own good. We’re proof that anyone can mend fences.
To Justin Voss, we were bros from the beginning. Even if we’re both semi-retired, we’re still gambling buddies. You owe me a small cut if you get to $200,000.
To Dustin Bragdon, I’ll never forget the impact “Whitey” had on my life. We were OGs. Still hope to write again with you one day.
To Crazy Bill, only thing needs to be said: A-BILL FOREVER!
To the rest of the USCW/BWA/CWA/AWA guys, I had so much fun writing with all of you.
To Ashley, who coined the name “The Josh.”
Finally, thanks to Josh Parten for being one of my best friends and giving me the source material for this book.
Dinosaurs make good mounts.
I have known Josh Parten (“The Josh” as he is known in many circles) for almost eight years now. We first met while working for an evil empire disguised as a retail chain. I confess that I did not like him at first, but it was not his fault. I was hung up on a girl, and I heard he once say she was cute. That was grounds for life-long hatred in my book. However, we had mutual friends, and I learned that Josh was really cool guy. Once I stopped being hung up on that girl, I was able to think clearly and not be a total douche bag. We hung out a little bit before Hurricane Katrina destroyed our place of work.
In the storm’s aftermath, he wound up having my childhood best friend for a roommate as both men had lost their homes to the hurricane. Josh and I discovered we both had a lot in common: we loved comedies, making fun of people we hate and teasing a mutual friend for thinking Judas Priest was Iron Maiden. In the summer of 2006, Josh moved about fifty miles north, and we lost contact.
As fate would have it, I returned to the evil empire like the good wage slave I was/am in February 2007. A few weeks later, Josh transferred to the same store. Despite some of our mutual friends not having time for us, Josh and I became good enough friends to hang out on our own without doing that whole “keep referencing the mutual friend every other sentence or else you realize you’re with a total stranger” thing. Since that time, I have been privy to almost every single story in his life. The stories were interesting. Through a combination of Josh’s creativity and his friends’ inability to remember specific details, the stories grew to epic proportions.
When Josh initially proposed that I chronicle his life, I gave the typical “chuckle-then-dismissive ‘yeah’” response that one would give when presented with an ironic or unappealing suggestion. Yes, I had a desire to write, but a request for a biography is narcissistic, especially when he is not famous or trumpeting a cause that grips at the author’s and readers’ heartstrings. Certainly, no one who knows him would dub Josh as a humble human being or doubt he would request a biography.
That narcissism, however, was not the only reason for my dismissal of his request. I know the man well enough to know that he takes incredible artistic liberties when recounting the events of his life. That is not an insult. His storytelling would not be loved by everyone in his life had he chosen not be imaginative when describing the happenings of his life. His storytelling is quite convincing. After a few glasses of wine, he can have the whole room believing bunny rabbits built Stonehenge (it took a massive effort to prevent our hometown from editing the history books from stating that “fact”). It is entertaining, but it is not something I would put in a biography. It would be Don Quixote, but with the readers having to be every bit as delusional as the protagonist. It was not an appealing idea. The final reason was that such a project could put a strain on a friendship. Quite a few of the myths involve illegal activity. Nothing strains a friendship like sending your buddy up the river. That is why I initially declined his offer.
It is funny how “yeses” and “nos” are rarely ever permanent. If the reader would forgive the platitude, change is the only constant in life. Reality is only bound to the exact instant one examines it. It can often be hard to accept, and many choose not to because to do so would mean giving up a measure of control over their lives (regardless of how artificial that control actually is). Josh must have been in the minority who can accept this because he took my decline of his offer very well. His maturity was commendable. As the days came and went, I reexamined the offer on which I had passed. I began to think this was not the request of an arrogant man looking for a bullhorn. No, this was the request of a man who was a passenger on the vessel of his true identity and had it capsize on the rough waters that were his lies. He did not want a bullhorn; he wanted a life preserver, but was too proud to beg. The revelation of this fact (along with a chokehold that nearly resulted in a manslaughter charge) changed my “no” into a “maybe.”
The biography he requested was not feasible, though. It would have led to a bitter strain on our friendship as my integrity would have fought his imagination. I decided to pitch the idea that I would examine his most popular myths, find the facts surrounding each myth, and declare whether it actually occurred or not. The final product would be a biography of his extraordinary feats (those fabricated and those that actually happened).
The idea met with resistance, but, with both sides interested in the project, a compromise was in the works. My format was finally accepted on the premise that Josh be officially referred to as The Josh after the preface and that I made it clear the findings are my opinion and in no way invalidate his accounts of the myths that are highlighted in this book. I accepted the latter without any opposition. I am not omniscient and cannot definitively say what did or did not happen in his life. I can only research the mangled beard that are these myths and shave away the blatant untruths with Occam’s Razor. The former request was about as welcome in my brain as an earwig, but I chose the project over my sensibilities. Out of these negotiations came this book, which I think of as a close friend’s attempt to pull his chum out of a sea of lies and back onto the deck of the S.S. Reality.
Myth #1: The Josh has killed a man
I was prepared to dismiss this one out of hand and omit it. How could it even be possible? Well, there are circumstances involved that could make this myth technically true. As outrageous as it sounds, The Josh may have been responsible for a couple of deaths. The first case is indirect and did not involve any malicious intent. The second case is something one would hear about on a crime drama.
Scenario #1: In August 2005, a man named Craig transferred to the 5079 (what we cool kids dubbed our place of work) from North Carolina. He joined the Inventory Control Team, and The Josh so happened to be the Team Leader. Craig was renting an apartment in the complex right next to the store. Directly south of both buildings was a four-lane highway, then the Gulf of Mexico. As first reported here, a storm was forming in the Atlantic and eventually made its way into the Gulf. It became the eleventh named storm of the season and was dubbed “Katrina.” As the region prepared for the storm, Craig was facing the dilemma we all were: “Should I stay or should I go?” After listening to The Clash song of the same name, Craig was still clueless. He sought out the wisdom of his supervisor. Having lived on the Coast for thirty years, The Josh assured Craig that he would be safe staying at his beachside apartment. By all accounts, Craig took The Josh’s advice. The storm slaughtered everything on the Coast including the apartment complex.
I have spoken to as many of Craig’s coworkers as I could find. No one has heard from him after Katrina or knows what happened to him. While bad advice is not a crime and does not make one liable for the unfortunate fate of others, history has not been kind to The Josh. The myth is that he did kill Craig. The truth is Craig was an adult who made his own decision and is facing/faced the consequences of that decision. While there is no evidence one way or the other in respect to his survival, the fact that no one has heard from him in five and a half years suggests that he passed away. No one knowing his last name and our employer’s refusal to surrender Craig’s file limited my investigation, but does not confirm that he survived. The more likely outcome is that he died as everyone says because he took The Josh’s advice. However, it is unlikely that The Josh barricaded Craig into his apartment and forced him to face the 20+ foot storm surge. That would be one of the few scenarios in which The Josh would be rightfully blamed for killing Craig. Did Craig die? Unfortunately, yes. Did The Josh play a hand in Craig’s death? Certainly not. The myth holds no weight in this scenario.
Scenario #2 In the summer of 2009, The Josh took his daughter to New Orleans to enjoy the city’s rich history. As the two took a stroll along the river walk, the lovely young girl caught the eye of a young boy. The boy was quite an individual (as “individual” as it can be for a white boy to wear grillz, baggy pants, a sideways cap and assault the English language much the way the Los Angeles Police Department assaulted Rodney King). Kevin Federline would kill the kid a poser. He truly was a blemish upon God’s creation.
His personality was every bit as atrocious as his appearance. He told the young lady that “you gots a booty like a honey glazed ham drivin’ da ice cream truck.” The literal interpretation is that apparently she had honey on her backside, had a commercial grade license and passed a government certification for carrying and charging Freon. The Josh was furious, to say the least. No daughter of his was going to be that crazy lady driving the ice cream truck that everyone pities. He lectured her for thirty minutes about the value of education and the career quicksand that is the food service industry. Once he finally stopped to take a breath, his daughter took the chance to inform him that the boy was lying. The Josh was displeased. He was saving that particular rant for the girl’s sixteenth birthday. It was to be a great bonding moment, but now it was a moment of regret and humiliation. The Josh decided to blame the responsible party, and the boy was soon tossed over the rail and into the Mississippi River where the undercurrent carried him to his demise.
There is no corpus delicti, nor is one likely to be found. Any object thrown into that part of the river may as well be placed on the moon. It may actually be easier to find it on the moon as it would stick out like a sore thumb. Much like the first scenario, there is no definitive proof of a death, only the likelihood of death. Two things, however, work against this scenario: The first is that there are no eye witness accounts. No one saw it happen. There had to have been many people there. Someone would have noticed ninety-five pounds of tween trash flying into the Mississippi River. The second is that even if The Josh did what he claimed, it is not killing in this author’s book. Executing individuals like that boy would be classified under “culling,” not “killing.” The boy fails to satisfy the standards of being classified as a “person.” Even if The Josh did what he said, I would still disqualify the myth and give him a pat on the back.
Verdict: False
Myth #2: The Josh can stop time
On a spring day in 2004, The Josh was stressed. His team was undermanned, and the tasks to complete kept increasing. Joining his team in the trenches, The Josh was working feverishly to lead them to another successful day. Victory began to slowly materialize. They were displaying their excellence for the store to see, but the mental and physical strains were tremendous. No one could see the storm brewing (even had some astute individual taken note, he or she would have been powerless to stop it).
The situation became volatile as the witch from Fabrics and Crafts marched into the backroom. The witch’s ego and condescending attitude had made her a nemesis of The Josh for his first year at the store. Her negative attributes were in full effect as she demanded The Josh soar into the steel to obtain her merchandise. As the caterwauling stung his ears, The Josh notified the witch that the task would be placed in his work queue and that it would be completed by the time the witch returned from lunch. With the witch due her lunch break in fifteen minutes, The Josh found it to be a fair compromise. The witch did not. She snarled and moved on to Travis (who at the time was sporting the greatest afro God ever placed on the planet Earth). Shaken to his very soul by her wicked aura, Travis rushed to get her merchandise to appease her. Upon noticing this The Josh became an inferno of rage. He pointed at Travis with his right index finger and bellowed, “STOP!” Legend has it that everything stopped in the backroom. Every worker froze in his or her steps as paralysis and/or fear gripped each person. The UPS driver froze in mid-toss of a box (even the box was suspended in the air). The tense seconds passed and, as the uninvolved learned The Josh was not aiming at them, they regained control of their bodies as time resumed. Poor Travis remained frozen until The Josh effortlessly broke the witch’s will, which eliminated her control of him. Travis quickly went back to his original task as The Josh banished the witch from his kingdom.
She swore revenge and would start an in-store rebellion where all enemies of The Josh attempted to force him to abdicate his position of power. The bloody rebellion lasted a few months. Many good men and women were permanently disfigured and disabled in the 5079’s civil war. While the story of the war is for another myth, the endgame had The Josh building a makeshift prison to hold the three leaders of the rebellion. Things changed after that. The Josh lost favor with some employees due to the fear of his time-stopping powers. Some sympathized with the rebellion. Only after The Josh survived an assassination attempt (detailed later in the book) did he began to win back the populace.
This is possibly the most popular tale of The Josh, but did it happen? Can time be manipulated? Einstein believed that time would pass slower as one approached light speed or a black hole. Since humanity cannot create a force that reaches light speed nor is there a black hole anywhere near the planet (as Earth would have been pulled into it), I can rule that neither were in play that day. Modern science is against this myth. That would be enough for me to declare it false, but there is another element that begs to be examined: the uniform claim of all involved that it happened.
This story is retold perfectly by everyone who was in attendance. Detail for detail the story never wavers. Is it possible that The Josh assembled a group and had them perpetrate a lie? Yes, but I highly doubt it. Everyone there honestly believed it happened. Another factor at play is that weird stuff happens when The Josh is angry. While he is normally poised and cool, The Josh can give in to anger. Thanks to personal dealings with the witch, I can attest that she could grate on a saint’s nerves. With her in the equation, The Josh easily could have been furious. When he reaches that level of blood-boiling rage, it is said that devil horns burst out of his forehead. That is another widely-perpetuated myth. It suggests that The Josh’s powers are more in the spiritual realm, not scientific.
This is the familiar fight of science versus spirituality. I have never been completely satisfied in either’s attempt to explain the world, so no conviction is going to sway how I determine the accuracy of this myth. The truth is that it could have happened. The spiritual nature of it does not allow me to just fall back on science and deny this myth. Since I cannot completely disprove the established myth, I must allow it to persist (even against my better judgment).