Laughing under Castro
A 50-year revolution? You must be kidding!
By Modesto Arocha
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Copyright 2009 Modesto Arocha
Published by Alexandria Library at Smashwords
ISBN: 978-1-934804-03-2
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
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Table of Content
Court Jesters: Castro’s Cabinet
Special Humor for the Special Period
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Humor in the midst of despair deserves more than laughter; it merits thought and admiration.
In the United States, we celebrate political and social humor as one of the many forms of free expression. In Cuba, where such expression is restricted and often punished, the Cuban people have nonetheless developed a broad repertoire of humor mocking the repressors with creative wit and resourceful genius.
Thanks to Modesto Arocha’s copious and daring work of smuggling this inspiring humor out of Cuba, we can all see that even when they cannot find a bite to eat, human nature requires us to scrounge around for a bit of laughter.
Yet this book, testimony to this struggle for laughter against a government that is eager to control the source of such happiness, is only one of many similar recordings of audacious political satire. In the tradition of Aristophanes, Maurice Joly and Charlie Chaplin, these jokes show us once again that humor is a powerful vehicle for exposing the most disgusting hypocrisies and hideous policies of our time.
The translator
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Recipe for socialism
A madman stands over a barrel of shit, steadily stirring the contents with a pole. Fidel walks up to him and asks, “Hey you, what are you making?”
“Capitalism, Comandante; I’m making capitalism,” the madman responds.
“Very good, very good,” Fidel says. “Now, how would you make socialism?”
“Ah, yes. That is very easy. Just watch.” He turns to his friend, who is shoveling manure a few feet away. “Hey Chico,” he yells, “bring me two more shovelfuls of shit!”
Doctors at Mazorra
Two doctors at Mazorra [Havana Psychiatric Hospital] are having a conversation. The first one says, “They brought Fidel to me today. He is in very bad shape; he thinks he is God.”
“My case is even worse,” the other doctor responds. “They brought God to me and he thinks he is Fidel.”
Too many requirements
A madman approaches the gates of the Palace of the Revolution and addresses the guard. “Let me by,” he says. “I want to serve in the cabinet of the revolutionary government.”
“What?” the guard responds. “Are you crazy? Are you mentally retarded? Do you have shit for brains?”
“Well, I’m sorry,” the madman responds, dejected. “I am crazy, but I didn’t know that there were so many other requirements for the job.”
New food
Traveling along the highway, Fidel sees a Cuban on all fours in a field, eating grass. He orders an advisor to investigate the situation. The following day, he calls the advisor into his office. “Well?” Fidel asks. “What did you find?”
“Comandante, the man you saw was an insane individual who started grazing like a cow a few months ago.”
“Has this behavior caused him any medical problems?” Fidel asks.
“Apparently not,” the advisor responds.
“Well then, let’s put grass on the ration list.”
The foul ball
A group of madmen were playing baseball during recess at Mazorra. Yet this was no ordinary baseball game; the men were playing without balls, bats or gloves. Fidel shows up and sees that there is only one person in the grandstand watching the game. He approaches this man and asks, “Why aren’t you playing?”
“Comandante,” the man explains. “These people are insane. Just look at them—they’re playing baseball without gloves, bats or even a ball!”
“Ah ha,” Fidel responds. “So you are not crazy! Well then, I’m going to send you directly to the military committee so you can join our comrades fighting in Angola.”
The madmen suddenly lurches to one side, covering an eye with his hand. “Ay, Comandante, help me! I’ve been hit by a foul ball!”
Evidence
A drunk is standing on a street corner, shouting, “I know who is at fault for the misery we are going through.”
The police apprehend him, and hit him with their nightsticks, urging him to reveal whom he thinks is at fault. Finally, the drunk obliges, saying: “The imperialist Yankee is at fault.”
“Very good,” the police captain says, and he releases him.
As the drunk is walking away, he turns around to say, “But I know who you guys were thinking of…”
Be like Che
A drunk walking by a school one morning hears a shout rise from the schoolyard. “Be like Che!” the children call out, echoing a popular slogan of the revolution.
“That’s right,” the drunk responds, “Be like Che: asthmatic.”
Prized beret
A drunk walking along the Malecon—Havana’s seaside boulevard—comes across a green beret on the ground. “This must be the beret of my Comandante!” he says.
When he picks up the beret, he sees a pile of dog shit underneath. “And his brain, too!”
Scarcity
State security arrested a suspicious drunk, but was unable to get any information out of him during questioning. The head agent decided to intimidate him by sending him to a fake execution, in hopes that he would squeal when facing the shooting squad. But he did not talk, even as the blanks were fired. Exasperated, the agents finally let him go.
“Wow,” he said as he walked away, “I got saved because they don’t even have enough bullets here anymore.”
The chains
A loyal communist on the street corner calls out, “Fidel took the chains off the Cuban people!”
A drunk man passing by responds, “Yeah, along with our bracelets, watches, diamonds and rings.”
Philosophical discussion
Two drunks are talking. The first drunk says, “Man is the result of the evolution of the species.”
“That’s just a load of crap,” the second drunk says; “God created man…” But just as the words came out of his mouth, he noticed the boots and olive green socks that the first drunk was wearing, part of the State Security uniform. He quickly continued, “…With the solidarity and uninterested support of the Soviet Union and the rest of the socialist world.”
Whale in Havana
A giant whale swims into the waters of the Havana Bay and the police force decides to kill it. Yet before they can reach it to carry out this decision, Havana historian Eusebio Leal rushes out to intercept them.
“Stop,” he says. “This whale is historical, it is part of our national heritage. This was the whale that swallowed an English ship during the British invasion of Havana.
A drunk man, who has witnessed the exchange, blurts out, “Where the hell was this whale when the Granma landed?"(Granm was the ship on which Fidel Castro and fellow rebels returned to Cuba from exile at the start of the Revolution. landed?)
Science experiment
A teacher in a class on Marxism asks his students: “Is Marxism-Leninism science or art?”
“It must be art,” says one student. “Because if it were science, they would have tried it out with animals first.”
Survival of the fittest
“Did you know that Cubans didn’t evolve from monkeys, but rather from seals?”
“No;
why do you say that?”
“Because even though the water is up
around our necks, we just bark and applaud.”
Lack of food in Cuba
The Cuban Revolution has made at least one important contribution in the realm of scientific knowledge. Before the revolution, people had to die before you could see their skeletons. Today in Cuba, however, it is possible to examine people’s skeletons long before they die.
Cuban obstetrics
One advancement of Cuban medicine is that doctors don’t have to spank a newborn baby to provoke its first breath. In Cuba, all a doctor does is whisper in the baby’s ear, “You’re in Cuba,” and the child starts to cry.
Castron Bomb
The Neutron Bomb kills the people and leaves property undamaged. The Castron Bomb, which has been successfully tested in Cuba, annihilates property and leaves the people half-dead.
The efficiency of Cuban medicine
In a scientific conference, a group of American and Cuban doctors compare the time it takes to complete different operations in their respective countries.
“In the United States, open heart surgery lasts five hours,” an American cardiologist says.
“That same operation lasts just two hours in Cuba,” his Cuban counterpart explains.
The exchange continues in the same way.
“A kidney transplant takes seven hours in the U.S.”
“A kidney transplant requires just four hours in Cuba.”
“Tonsillitis surgery takes half an hour in the U.S.”
The Cuban doctors pauses. “Well, tonsillitis surgery is somewhat more complicated; it takes between eight and 12 hours in Cuba,” he says quietly. The American doctors are shocked.
“How can such a simple operation take such a long time?” one asks.
A Cuban surgeon explains. “Since the Cubans aren’t willing to open their mouths, we have to remove their tonsils through the anus.”
The Return of Napoleon
Napoleon came back to life in the mid-1980s and held a secret meeting with the leaders of the world. He addressed each individually.
“Monsieur Gorbachev,” he began, “if I had had your prudence, I never would have fought in Waterloo.”
“Monsieur Reagan, if I had had your military might, I would have been victorious at Waterloo.”
“Monsieur Castro,” he continued, “If I had had your Granma newspaper, no one ever would have learned of my defeat at Waterloo.”
The return of Karl Marx
Recent biotechnological improvements in Cuba have made it possible to resurrect people long after their deaths. After a few initial experiments, the scientists decided to revive Karl Marx. He immediately went on a tour to see the progress of the Communist revolution there. After the tour, he was invited to speak to the country on a televised program.
“Mr. Marx, thank you for joining us this evening. Is there anything you’d like to say to the millions of viewers watching our program?”
He cleared his throat and grimaced. “Workers of the world,” he said solemnly, “Please forgive me.”
One more resurrection
A Cuban who died in 1993 is brought back to life in 2100. He immediately begins asking questions.
“How did the war in Bosnia turn out?”
“Oh, that was resolved peacefully. Now the former Yugoslav states exist peacefully with each other.”
“Is there still hunger in the third world?”
“Not any more! New technology produces food so cheaply that the entire world demand is easily met.”
“What about the problem in Cuba, how did they end up?
“Well, Fidel is bound to fall from power this year.”
The new man
According to recent studies performed by Cuba’s National Institute of Demographic Projection, future generations of Cubans will slowly transform until they finally achieve the following characteristics:
Short legs
Very long arms
Flat face (with atrophy of the nose and cheeks)
The institute explained that these changes were a result of:
The need to jump aboard the trucks in which they travel
The need to carry large boxes wherever they go
The repeated action of pushing one’s face against a shop window to look disconsolately within.
Emergency Preparedness
The party’s municipal secretary of mines in Matahambre, Pinar del Rio receives an urgent telegram from the Department of Seismic Activity, reading: “Seismic tectonic movement detected in your zone STOP Locate epicenter and report conditions of flora and fauna STOP”
Weeks pass with no news before the following telegram finally arrives at the department’s headquarters in Havana:
“Epicenter located and apprehended STOP Confession in hand STOP Tectonic dead STOP Seismic and 15 other SOBs got away but we are fast on their trail STOP Flora and Fauna expelled from town for prostitution STOP Earlier communication impossible due to goddamn earthquake STOP”
Take a number
A man brings his broken television to a repair shop to get it fixed. He is told that there is a 10-year waiting list for this type of repair. Unperturbed, the man fills out all the necessary forms and takes each one to a different government office. Weeks later, having finally completed all of the necessary paperwork, the man returns to the repair shop. The receptionist at the office informs him: “Everything is ready. Come back on this date, exactly ten years from now.”
“Should I come in the morning or the afternoon,” the man asks.
The receptionist looks at him in surprise. “We’re talking about ten years from now. What difference does it make if it’s the morning or the afternoon?”
“It’s just that I’ve scheduled the plumber to come to my house that morning.”
*** The Party and its Members ***
The party official and the Virgin Mary
A top party leader heads out for an afternoon aboard his yacht, but the vessel begins to take on water and starts sinking fast. The man, who does not know how to swim and doesn’t have a lifejacket, begins to pray, “Holy Virgin, please help me.”
Suddenly, a large floating plank appears and he grabs hold of it. Realizing the faux pas of his prayer, he says aloud, “The truth is, I don’t know how, after twenty years of devote party membership, I had such a superstitious weakness.” Yet as soon as he has spoken, the plank begins to sink quickly. “Oh, come on, Mother of God, where’s your sense of humor?”
The oldest political party
Q: What’s the world’s oldest political party?
A: The Cuban Communist Party. There were already forty members in the days of Ali Baba.
Naming triplets
Three triplets are born in Santiago de Cuba, sons of a devoted party member who names them Cuba, Populace, and Fidel. When Castro calls the man to congratulate him, the triplets’ mother answers the phone.
“How are the triplets doing?” the head of state asks.
“Very well, Comandante,” the mother responds. “Cuba is crying, Populace is fast asleep and Fidel is sucking me dry.”
Rape
“Mom, last night I was raped by a party member!”
“And how do you know that it was a party member?”
“Because he made me do all the work.”
Amidst Cannibals
An airplane crashes in the jungle and the only survivors are a German, a Russian and a Cuban. A tribe of cannibals captures the three survivors and tells them that they will be released if they can stump the tribe with a trivia question.
The German asks the cannibals to summarize Kant’s thesis. The cannibals provide an excellent synopsis and then throw the German on a spit over a roaring fire.
The Russian asks the cannibals to recite a verse of ancient Slavic poetry. One cannibal steps forward and offers a tearful rendition of the ancient words, and the group tosses the Russian into a vat of boiling broth.
Finally, it is the Cuban’s turn. He asks the cannibals to explain to him what a party meeting is. After deliberating all night, the cannibals finally give up. “OK,” the chief says. “You are free to go. But first, please tell us the answer.”
“A party meeting is what you just had: a group of people gathered around to decide how to screw over everyone else.”
Sons of Bitches
“Mom, do doggies have babies?”
“Of course, honey, where do you think party leaders come from?
Cheap literature
“Do you see that girl over there? She earns her living writing trash.”
“She’s
a novelist?”
“No, she’s a typist for the Communist Party.”
Congressional Chanting
“What’s another name for the National Assembly?”
“The chorus of Havana.”
The delinquent
The police recently arrested a bearded, balding citizen wearing messy clothes and not in possession of a national identification card. Furthermore, he said that he had no place of employment.
During questioning, the man sank even further in the eyes of the law when he said that he was a writer and had just completed an article advocating for a free press.
“What is your name?” the detective asked him.
“Karl Marx.”
Laws and jokes
When Ricardo Alarcón, the president of Cuba’s National Assembly, proposes a law in the assembly chamber, it becomes a joke. When Fidel tells a joke in the chamber, it becomes a law.
Good and bad
“Mom, was Che good?”
“Yes, my love, he was a very good man.”
“What
about General Ochoa?”
“No, he was a very bad man.”
“What about Almeida?”
“Well, we’ll find out once he dies.”
The third gift
A genie appears before a brainwashed Cuban.
“I shall grant you one wish!” the genie pronounces.
The Cuban thinks for a moment. “There are two gifts in this world,” he finally says, “Intelligence and honesty.” I want the gift of being communist to be added to this list.
“Your wish is granted,” the genie says. “But with one exception: No person may possess more than two of these three gifts.”
And it has been this way ever since.
Anti-Marxism
A few years ago, a Cuban policymaker presented a plan to feed and dress the entire country. The plan was quite reasonable, but his supervisors rejected it. “It’s not based on Marxist ideas,” they told the author of the plan.
The policymaker looked over his plan again and then acknowledged its fault to the authorities. “You’re right,” he said. “It works in practice but not in theory.”
On the edge of an abyss
A foreign reporter is interviewing a Cuban in the street. “Tell me, what was life like before the victory of the revolution?”
“We were standing on the edge of an abyss.”
“And what happened after Castro came to power?”
“We took a step forward.”
Constitutions
What is the difference between the Cuban Constitution and the U.S. Constitution?
The Cuban Constitution guarantees freedom of expression, and the U.S. Constitution guarantees freedom after expression.
Little Red Riding Hood in Cuba
Little Red Riding Hood was invited to Cuba. When she sat down to read Granma, the daily paper, she suddenly exclaimed, “Granma, what big teeth you have!”
Bad luck charm
“Homeland Hero” medals, which Castro has awarded to Cuban and international heroes, bring bad luck. Just ask Ochoa and Chauchescu—both were eventually executed by the regime!
Code for Cuban writers
Don’t think. If you think it, don’t write it. If you write it, don’t show it. If you show it, don’t sign it.
Opposition
“Everyone opposes the regime!”
“No, you’re wrong. One person is still in favor.”
Futile search
A foreign intellectual visited Cuba recently to listen to the opinions and arguments of a revolutionary. He couldn’t find anybody…
Change of task
When Fidel realized he had failed in his effort to build the future, he dedicated himself to building the past.
Formula of Cuban socialism
To each according to his obedience.
Marxist dialectics
A Cuban approaches his communist friend with a question. “Hey, can you explain a dialectic to me?”
“Let me give you an example. Imagine that a dirty man is standing next to the bathhouse. Will he or will he not bathe?”
“Yes, of course he will.”
“No. A dirty man is dirty by nature; he doesn’t recognize the virtue of cleanliness, and that is why he is dirty. Does that make sense?
“Well, I suppose it’s logical.”
“Now, once again imagine that a dirty man is standing outside a bathhouse. Is he going to bathe or not?
“No.”
“Wrong again. Let’s see… If he’s dirty, why wouldn’t he take a bath? In fact, he is probably standing outside the bathhouse precisely because he was on his way to bathe. Are you with me?”
“Ok, ok… but… that’s the dialectic? Seems like a bunch of bullshit to me.”
“Exactly. You now understand the dialectic.”
When I grow up
A Cuban father asks his six-year-old, “Son, what do you want to be when you grow up?”
“A foreigner.”
The 40-year-old virgin
A Cuban woman getting married for the third time confesses to her husband on their wedding night that she is a virgin.
“What?!” he says. “How can that be—you’ve already been married twice.”
“Yes, but my first husband was injured in the war in Angola and couldn’t make love and my second husband was a Marxist-Leninist.”
“What does that have to do with it?”
“Well, every night when we got into bed, all he did was tell me how great everything was going to be.”
Exploitation
A
teacher explains to her class. “Capitalism is a system based on the
exploitation of one man by another man.”
“Yes,” says the
student sitting in the first row. “And with socialism the reverse
occurs.”
Utopia
“What did communism mean to you in 1959?”
“A dream.”
“What about now?”
“A nightmare.”
The difference between capitalism and communism
“What’s the difference between capitalism and communism?”
“In capitalism, when they kick you in the ass, you can complain; in communism, when they kick you in the ass, you have to get up and cheer them on.”
The new man
“How would you design a Cuban for the 21st century?”
“He’d be mute, would have big hands for doing hard work, and would not have a stomach.”
Pinochet, Castro and the Granma stylebook:
A Chilean without a job: unemployed
A Cuban without a job: available
A defeat for Pinochet: failure
A defeat for Castro: about-face
An armed dissident of Pinochet: freedom fighter
An armed dissident of Castro: terrorist
Someone who speaks against Pinochet: patriot
Someone who speaks against Castro: traitor
A Pinochet sympathizer: collaborationist
A Castro sympathizer: comrade
Sir or comrade?
A reporter approaches a man on the street. “Excuse me, do you prefer sir or comrade?”
“Sir,” he responds. “Comrade is that guy driving by in the Mercedes.”
The right position
We’ll always stand shoulder-to-shoulder with the government, because if we go in front, they’ll catch us and if we fall behind, they’ll shit on us.
Lexical ambiguity
Two Cuban communists are drinking and one says to the other, “Long live menstruation!”
“You mean, ‘Long live the Revolution!’”
“Whatever; as long as there’s bloodshed.”
Ignorance or apathy
A foreign journalist approaches a Cuban in the street. “Why is the Cuban populace so disappointed with the Revolution? Is it ignorance or apathy?” she asks.
“I don’t know and I don’t care,” the Cuban responds.
*** International Relations ***
Bolívar and Martí
Castro gives his buddy a call. “Hey there, Chávez, whatcha doin’?”
“I’m over here Bolivarizing Venezuela, what about you?
“Me? I’m Martyring Cuba!”
Literary Competition
Did you hear about the literature contest sponsored by the Embassy of the Soviet Union in Havana? First prize is one week in the Soviet Union. Second prize is two weeks in the USSR, and third prize is a full month in the USSR.
Keep your hands inside
The heads of state of Cuba, Mexico and the United States were traveling in an airplane in an attempt to resolve migratory issues. As they passed over Mexico, Fidel Castro put his hand outside the window and said, “You can feel the warmth and compassion of the Mexican people.”
Later, flying over the United States, Vicente Fox stuck his hand out of the window. “I feel the vibrations of production in this great industrial nation.”
After flying over the Florida Straits and into Cuban airspace, George W. Bush put his hand out of the window, but pulled it back right away. “Damn it, they stole my watch!”
Spaniard in Havana
An overweight, balding Spanish man in his fifties walks into the bar at the Hotel Nacional in Havana with a scantily-clad, attractive young woman on his arm. The bartender approaches. “Sir, what can I get you?”
“Give me a whiskey.”
“And for your wife?”
“Give my wife a call and tell her I’m having a hell of a time here in Havana!”
FAO survey
A statistician from the United Nations Food and Agricultural Organization decides to conduct an international survey of the world’s food shortage. First he asks a Swede: “What’s your opinion about the worldwide shortage of food?”
“Shortage? What’s that?”
Then he heads to Ethiopia and asks the same question to a man walking along an Addis Ababa street. “What’s your opinion about the worldwide shortage of food?”
“Food? What’s that?” the man responds.
Finally,
the pollster visits Cuba and asks a random person in Havana, “What’s
your opinion about the worldwide shortage of food?”
“Opinion?
What’s that?”
Popular music
A Canadian tourist visiting Havana goes into a record shop. “Excuse me,” he says to the woman at the cash register. “Do you have the song, ‘Dying of Love’ by the Fabrisas Sisters in 45 revolutions?”
“No,” she responds. “But we do have “Dying of Hunger” by the Castro Brothers in one revolution.”
Freedom in the USA and Cuba
“America is such a free country that I can walk right up to the White House and rant all I want about how awful the president of the United States is,” says an American to a Cuban.
“What’s so special about that?” the Cuban responds. “I can walk right up to the Palace of the Revolution and rant all I want about how awful the president of the United States is, too.”
Gorbachev, Reagan and Castro and the cannibals
A tribe of cannibals is chasing Gorbachev, Reagan and Castro through the jungle. As the screaming, half-naked hunters close in on their prey, Gorbachev scribbles a note and throws it behind him as he continues along the path. The group stops and the chief reads the note. It says, “I am Mikhail Gorbachev, leader of the socialist bloc.” He shrugs and throws the note aside, and the men continue to chase the three victims.
Reagan decides to play his trump card, and writes a note of his own, tossing it onto the path as he runs past. The cannibals stop and read it over. “I am Ronald Reagan, commander-in-chief of the most powerful military in human history.” The chief throws the note over his shoulder and the men keep running.
In sweaty desperation, Reagan and Gorbachev pass the pen and notepad to Castro. He writes a note and leaves it on the path. This time, after the tribe stops to read the note, they turn and run twice as fast in the opposite direction.
After they are a fair distance away, the three men finally stop to rest. “So, Fidel, whadya right?” Reagan asks.
“I wrote,” Castro says, “This path leads to communism.”
Gorbachev, Reagan and Castro and the Whoremometer
A Cuban inventor who has just developed a measurement device he calls the Whoremometer decides to test it as part of an international goodwill flyover featuring Fidel Castro, Ronald Reagan and Mikhail Gorbachev.