The Day Tony Lost His Manhood
by Mike Garry
Smashwords Edition, Electronic Editing,
Published By Wayne Press July 2011.
Copyright © 2011 by Mike Garry
All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction, either in whole or in part, in any form. This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictionally. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
The Day Tony Lost His Manhood
By Mike Garry
“On a day not long hence a cat will walk backwards, a woman with an umbrella will lead you astray, a pig will fly, and you… will lose your manhood. FOREVER!”
“This is a joke. You’re a gypsy at a high school carnival. You can’t be serious.” Tony half laughed, pulling in one of his signature dimples. But only one, as he tried not to hide in the bulk of his lettermen’s jacket.
The gypsy was hot in that kind of older, kind of out there, incense waving sort of way. Smoke filled the ridiculous red and yellow striped tent, all musky and mysterious like. She was a little freaky looking as she hovered over the glow from her ‘crystal ball.’ Probably just a stupid light bulb in fish bowl. But Tony couldn’t blink under her stare. Like Coach Packens, all serious and intense. And he was sweating. Because what she had said… it was total bullshit.
“Young man, it will happen. Soon.” She had some fake accent that made her ‘R’s’ all weird and hard to understand. But strangely sexy in a ‘stab you with a stake while you sleep’ sort of way.
“Like it will just…fall off?” Tony’s voice went up like a frightened girl’s. Then he got pissed that his fear showed. That he actually was afraid. “I mean that’s freakin’ stupid!”
“I cannot say.” But the smug look on her face said she could say but wasn’t going to. “There is nothing you can do.” She swirled her hands slowly over the light to cast shadows that gyrated on the walls.
“It is…FATE.” Her voice was all breathy and dramatic.
“Whatever.” He was done. And a little freaked. Which he didn’t want to admit to her or himself.
Tony tried to dismiss her words with an eye roll and a lazy saunter out of the tent. It didn’t quite work out that way.
The thin legs of the metal folding chair he was on had sunk deep into the wet grass. Nonchalant eye roll and saunter turned into nonchalant trip and falter. Tony’s exit became a desperate attempt not to get grass stains on his face in front of half of the student body.
Fortunately, there was someone just outside the tent to break his fall.
“What the FU — AAAHhhhhhhh!”
Tony face planted into a worn ‘Ramones’ t — shirt, and tackled the guy to the ground. There was some crunching, and some bruising. Possibly some bleeding. The guy didn’t move after Tony rolled off him and sprung to his feet.
“Dude, are you alright?” Tony jabbed him with a foot in the side. But there was no movement. Just a skinny — assed guy in all black pressed into the football field. His arms, legs, and trench coat fanned out like a snow angel of darkness. But he wasn’t moving.
Oh shit, he just killed Gage!
Tony knelt on the ground. He went through the motions he’d seen Coach do whenever someone got knocked ass over teakettles on the field. Tony checked for breath. Gage was breathing. He checked the eyes, but had no idea what to look for. Tony put his hand on Gage’s chest and had it slapped away.
“Stop touching me.” Gage groaned but didn’t open his eyes. Tony sighed in relief and got to his feet.
The memory of the curse petrified him again. The gypsy’s words were each a finger that squeezed his insides. Tony thought he was going to be sick.
At that moment, Jessica Bertram sauntered past Tony in a cheerleading skirt that swung up and down as she walked. It spanked the tight, round ass she had underneath. She gave him a flirty, I know what you’re watching, smile. He auto — flashed her both dimples. Her hips swung a little more widely after she passed him. Tony slowly spun to watch her go. Beauty in motion.
Tony didn’t need to do a junk test. It was still there and worked just fine.
“I fucking hate you.” Gage moaned from the ground.
Tony’s eyes reluctantly left Jessica’s lovely tail to rest on the newly flattened Gage. He was pressed into the earth and pissed off as hell.
Tony suppressed a chuckle, but not the opportunity to razz his friend. “Hey, you took that hit pretty well. Next time you should lower your stance and put your shoulder into it.”
Gage disengaged one hand from the ground and slowly lifted it, in epic fashion, to display one finger prominently to Tony.
“Noted. Now get off your ass.” Tony grabbed Gage’s thin wrist below the offered finger and yanked him off the ground. “I gotta talk to you.”
“Oh did the gypsy scare you or something?” For a guy who only knows how to spell hygiene, Gage took way too long to straighten and dust himself. Tony was antsy and impatient. Of course, Gage noticed.
“Holy crap she did! Oh, this is brilliant. Tony, I always knew you were kind of slow. Getting hit daily by a bunch of guys, on purpose, doesn’t help. You really need to change your after school activities.”
“It gets a lot more girls than your dark and brooding, nerdi — ness.”
“That’s not a word.” Gage said with a dark and brooding look. Tony managed an eye roll before Gage said, “So what did the scaaaa — ry gypsy say that had you bolt from the tent and plow me into the ground. Oh and thank YOU, by the way, for the grass enema. I did need more fiber in my diet.”
“Let’s go to the car.” Tony said hesitantly.
Gage watched Tony run a nervous hand through his hair. “OK, whatever. I wanna smoke, anyways.”
Once they hit the parking lot Tony stammered. “Look. I mean, I am like totally NOT taking this seriously. But…dude…she said,” Tony grabbed the arm of Gage’s coat to stop him. He scanned the cars for people who could overhear. Gage raised an eyebrow at Tony. Tony lowered his voice. “She said I was going to lose my manhood.”
“Lose your manhood.” Gage gave him a blank face.
“Yeah!” Tony couldn’t stop the hand that ran through his hair again. They both paused.
Gage sighed and reluctantly asked, “When?”
“Like, soon.”
“So is it just going to fall off?”
“I asked that too! But she got all mysterious and said it was fate.” Tony pounded the last word. He was worked up. His arms flailed wildly while he talked.
This was a bit of a hazard for Gage. “Ok wait,” Gage lifted his hands up between him and Tony defensively, “what EXACTLY did she say?”
“Something about a cat and a chick with an umbrella. And a pig flying.”
“And when all of these things happen, you’re gonna lose your manhood?’
“Yeah.”
Gage snorted and shook his head. “She was so fuckin’ with you.”
“What?”
“When pigs fly, Tony. She was screwing with you.”
“Wait, Gage.” Tony paused, took a deep breath and asked in a whisper, “What if the curse is true?”
“Then dude…” Gage took a dramatic pause to Zippo his cigarette on fire. He pulled it out of his face and sucked the smoke in deep. Then he chuckled, exhaling the smoke in bursts. “…you’re fucked.”
* * * * *
“Stop jumping you son of a…ha — ha, I GOT you!” Brains and arms sprayed red over the bottom half of the screen. Tony guided his soldier via joystick and thumb dexterity to the platform that held the best weapon in the game. Rocket launchers for the win.
Gage sat cross — legged and still as he concentrated. His hands subtle in movement as they left Cheetos dust on the black controller. Tony was ass to edge on the couch. He dodged and weaved as much as his screen character.
Suddenly, Gage exploded out like a spring with sound. “HA! Head shot!”
“You sniping, sneaky bastard!” Tony collapsed back on the couch as the words ‘GAGE WINS’ scrolled across the screen. An equally obnoxious voice shouted it though the speakers. Tony snapped it off with a click and dropped his controller on the thick carpet.
“Hey.” Gage lifted his arms like a small black crane ready to take flight. “What gives?”
“Cheetos ain’t doin’ it for me, anymore.” Tony plodded solemnly to the kitchen. He sat on the counter and attempted to sweeten his bitter defeat with cookie dough ice cream.
Gage followed lightly behind, controller still in hand. “So you quit cause you lost? You always got pissed at me when I quit after losing.”
“So, now you’ve won.” The creamy cold wasn’t cooling him fast enough. His loss still burned.
Gage reclined, elbows on the counter, with a smug expression and snickered. “You look like a grumpy ogre.”
Hunched over his ice cream, his bulk crammed on the counter, Tony did. He tried to grimace through his need to smile. He only managed to drool a little. There was a pause as ice cream dripped. Their eyes met.
They both exploded into deep cackles. Tony choked and sprayed ice cream, which only made Gage howl louder. Tony turned and spit out the remainder in the sink so he could laugh freely.
“If I’m an ogre,” Tony sputtered, “you’re a half — ling.”
Gage snorted and a wicked grin grew up his gaunt face. “And you just lost your manhood.”
“What!?” The ice cream container fell to the floor slower than Tony’s stomach. He heard a whoosh in his ears as all the blood left his face. “But, but,…?”
Gage rushed to Tony whose legs shook. Gage was a mouse who stood under the threat of a falling oak. But he stood his ground, hand on Tony’s shoulder. “Dude, I was kidding. It was just a game.” Gage’s voice begged Tony to hear logic. The fear pounding of Tony’s heart muted it.