The Magic Undercrackers
By Lee McGibbon
All content within this collection of stupidity is the property of Lee McGibbon. Nick it if you dare.
For my mum
Preface
I like writing stuff. By stuff I mean songs, stories, poems and just general ‘stuff’. Writing helps me to relax by allowing me to convert all those thoughts which are constantly going around my head into words on paper. It’s my way of letting off steam.
I have always had a vivid imagination and the ability to think differently from others. I’m not saying that I am some kind of genius and I’m not being egotistical, but to me my mind is quite a special place. Some have said that it’s a strange place or a frightening place, but whatever kind of place it is, it is my place (I’ve said the word ‘place’ far too many times here).
Sometimes I might write something serious and it might have a deep meaning behind it and other times (probably most of the time) I will write something, let’s say, a bit silly, but it’s just what’s in my head at the time.
I hope you enjoy reading my stuff.
Lee McGibbon
Chip-Pan
I bought it just the other day
From who and where I’m going to say
But I’m rushed for time so I’ll hurry up
I bought it from a man stood on the street
He had no shoes upon his feet
Just a pair of socks with great big holes
It cost me only 50p
In part exchange with a tree
It was a big horse chestnut of 60 foot
I think I recognised this man
As he drank from his can
He looked remarkably like the Pope
Magic Undercrackers
They gave me luck
They gave me joy
They made me feel
Like I wasn’t a boy
Mighty and powerful
Tall and strong
They made me feel
Like I belong
Whenever it was
Wherever I went
They made me feel
Unlike a gent
Unlike no other
I was blessed
By my side
There wasn’t a test
I could feel the warmth
I could feel the glow
All could see
They were part of the show
Where are they now?
Do they still exist?
What will they think?
Have they been missed?
We shall see
We shall find out
Find out for certain
And banish the doubt
If you believe
If you can see
If you have the vision
Then you can be free
You can do things
No others can do
They can see things
They can see you
Is it the magic?
Is it a special power?
Only you will know
This is your hour
The Linoleum Man
The linoleum man never gets bored
As he goes about his daily chores
Weaving his magic throughout the land
Aiding young ladies and lending his hand
With his cushion backed floor covering
He puts right the wrongs
Just some linoleum loving
And everything’s on song
Peace for mankind is all that he asks
And he brings it about with simple oil cloth tasks
Toast King
I see it on the worktop gleaming with pride
As the sunlight shines upon the stainless steel
My feelings of joy I just cannot hide
I cannot believe this is real
Butter and preserves surround the toaster
They are just as eager as me
Like thrillseekers queuing for a rollercoaster
Their faces filled with glee
Four slices it holds and also it’s said
That toasting is considered an art
Because you don’t even have to stick to the bread
As you can have Poptarts
We wait for the moment, the moment of joy
The moment of glory to savour
Ever since I was a young boy
I knew one day I’d endeavour
To reach new heights and be crowned toast king
Like no man has done before
And all will dance and shout and sing
As I am the greatest forever more
Pigeons
Evil pigeons kiss my arse and please stop frightening me.
Descending from the rooftops and swooping down from trees.
Salmonella carrying, verminous little scum.
Flocking to the precinct and pecking at little crumbs.
I bet Lord Nelson hates you too, stood in Trafalgar Square,
When you perch upon his shoulders and shit all over his hair.
If it was up to me you’d be extinct I’d kill you all today.
But unfortunately you’re not so until you are please will you keep away.
Owl Chase
Let’s all look at the giant owl
Now let’s all run away,
The smell he emits is oh so foul
And the piercing eyes so grey.
Just don’t look back as he chases you
You’re wasting precious time.
He’ll catch you up and get hold of you,
And he’ll tempt you with lemon and limes.
He’ll convince you that he’s being kind,
But he’s only trying to get inside your head.
He’ll attempt to corrupt your mind,
But don’t believe a word he’s said.
Because he’s not really an owl,
And this is just a dream.
You’ll wake up in an hour
And then you’ll start to scream.
The Way of the Vegan
Don’t throw those eggs at me
I don’t want to hurt myself.
Please will you go and leave me be