Special Smashwords Edition
Notes from the
Autopsy of God
by
Bo Fowler
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or to actual events or locales is entirely coincidental.
Notes from the Autopsy of God
Special Smashwords Edition
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Copyright © 2011 Bo Fowler All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book, or portions thereof, in any form. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical without the express written permission of the author. The scanning, uploading, and distribution of this book via the Internet or via any other means without the permission of the publisher is illegal and punishable by law. Please purchase only authorized electronic editions, and do not participate in or encourage electronic piracy of copyrighted materials.
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If you like Notes From The Autopsy of God, you’ll love Scepticism Inc.
What the Newspapers think of Bo Fowler’s Scepticism Inc.:
“Scepticism Inc. is a venomously intelligent and funny novel with a richly European combination of whimsy and seriousness… this book’s rare pleasure is that, as well as numerous running gags, it boasts a wealth of conceptual and structural jokes… If Nietzsche had written a novel, it would probably have some of the flavor of Bo Fowler’s ambitious debut.”
THE GUARDIAN
“Beguiling, humane and very funny… Scepticism Inc.’s narrative slipperiness and sly humor reminded me of Slaughterhouse-Five…this is a serious satire on belief and the desire to believe which surprises and delights.”
TIME OUT
“A wildly inventive and funny novel”
THE BIG ISSUE
“A very funny novel”
THE MAIL ON SUNDAY
“An ambitious, daredevil satire”
THE INDEPENDENT
“Scepticism Inc. is a kind of Nietzsche for beginners… refreshingly quick-witted; easy to read and easy to please, with thought-provoking ideas.”
THE OBSERVER
“Fowler’s account of one man and his trolley against the zealots is a shaggy dog story of cosmic proportions. This outrageous irreligious first novel launches an exciting new talent upon the world. Dare I say it, I have great faith in him.”
THE LITERARY REVIEW
Online praise for Bo Fowler’s Skepticism Inc:
FIVE STARS “Good to the last page? Especially the last page. Too many books end with an anticlimactic ‘by the same author’ burble chore, but not this one. The author's note had me in stitches.
Throughout the book, I was delighted by the farcical situations, the lovable, flawed hero and the tight narrative style.
Stop thinking about ordering a copy of this book, and just do it. Order this book… you could have a life-changing experience… or at least a very good laugh.
I have a proposal: we should bulk-buy a million or more copies of this book, and distribute it widely. Ideally, in every hotel and motel throughout the world, next to the Gideon bible, there would be a copy of Skepticism, Inc. It might make the world a better place. Aloha.”
FIVE STARS “Thoroughly entertaining, and thought provoking! stands up to reading time and time again. Generally fantastic book!”
FIVE STARS “I completely disagree with the reviews comparing this writer to Vonnegut - this is in a whole new and exciting league. Fowler should be judged by his own merit. The writer and the writing are intelligent, yet not pompous, quick and original. The book reads like a thriller, but contains tidbits of philosophical ideas, served fresh and easy to digest. I thought it was going to be just a quick summery read - NOT! It was one of the fullest and most fun reading experiences I've had this year. Good going Fowler, I'm running to the shops to get your next one…”
FIVE STARS “This is truly the book that ink has been crying out to describe, the book that pulped trees have been longing to have stamped into their flattened essences, that the human eye has been lost without.”
FIVE STARS “This is quite probably the best book every written. That is of course, a ridiculous statement, but such is the inescapable farce the book kicks up around the reader, it seems, for the duration of the read, entirely true. Is it deep philosophy? No. Is it high-art? Not really. Is it horribly, limb aching, head hurtingly funny? Yes. Yes it is. If you like funny books of any sort, especially ones that are intelligent (if not exactly stretching - but that's not really the point now, is it?) then go and pick this up, or suffer the eternal consequences.”
FIVE STARS “Ever thought anything about religion ever? Read this book. More important than the Bible (probably). This is a totally irreverent novel about a sentient shopping trolley, a man who sets up a Metaphysical Betting Shop through which religious people can bet on their faith and who ends up becoming the world's richest man, and his beautiful female nemesis.
If this book took more targeted attacks at specific religions and religious leaders then it would have gained an incredible notoriety and possibly a fatwa or two. But as it is its intelligent breadth kept it under the radar. If you've ever given any thought to religion in any way, whether you're religious or not, you should read this book- you'll enjoy it and be challenged by it. Excellent stuff.”
FIVE STARS “This book constantly makes me laugh, no matter how many times I read it! All the aspects that this book brings forth, from the human mind, is a revelation of comedy.
The characters are real, the situations, however fantastic and melodiously comic, are plausibly possible. If you don't read philosophy, you might find some parts of it a bit confusing, but even the illiterate will just love the slapstick comic moments. A massively wondrous book. Read it, buy it, and marry it!”
FIVE STARS “Extremely surreal, funny and strangely gripping. You won't be able to put this down, except to wipe the tears from your eyes. This is a superb play on human nature and faith, combined with a central character who turns out to be a shopping trolley.
Don't read this in public, people think you have gone mad when you keep bursting out with laughter.”
FIVE STARS “I avoided this book for ages as I thought the conceit too self- consciously off-beat. Boy, was I wrong. I absolutely adored it. So funny, so sweet: I'm going to try and get my devoted catholic mother to read it … Highly recommended, especially if you like Kurt Vonnegut (which you should).”
FIVE STARS “A perfect book for the trainee Atheist. Very, very funny, but with a serious point to it as well. I certainly agree with the other reviewer - the world would be a much better place if everyone read this book. It's also true that whilst at school we all learn about the major beliefs in the world, there is one belief that gets consistently overlooked - the belief that there is no God. This book provides some memorable moments and some great entertainment. A superb Christmas present for any fundamentalists in your family.”
FIVE STARS “The world would be a better place if everyone read this book. Religion in the modern world is turned inside out by a witty, clever story with very likeable characters. Even the narrator, a shopping trolley with an advanced computer program containing a fault (the belief in God), is extremely likeable. I would definitely put this book on the school curriculum.”
FIVE STARS “This is one of the funniest books I've ever read. It is also a very unusual, odd book, and is very easy to read. In fact, I keep an extra copy around, that I keep lending to people. I eagerly await the author's next book. In addition to being a really enjoyable read, the book does have a message -- one that not everyone will appreciate. A person of strong faith and a sense of humor, will be able to smile at the fun the author pokes at religion. Those with little faith, and no funny bone would attack it. Highly recommended.”
FIVE STARS “First off, I don't give five stars. Except here. And its not because this is the finest piece of literature I have ever read. It's just a very good, very funny book with a great deal of heart. Scepticism, Inc. is a look at the ways in which religion makes people act and manifests itself in society. Through farcical extremes, Fowler puts religion and human nature under a microscope. And its funny …and true. It's very hard to review something like this without giving away the magic. It's not for everyone - those with strict religious beliefs might not appreciate the fun Fowler pokes, but for those with open minds (or even those with closed minds with good senses of humor), Scepticism Inc is worth the read.”
FIVE STARS “The various descriptions of satire, parable, rant, etc. don't do justice to what is an inventive lampooning of hypocrisy. Do not read this book if you are unwilling to openly face the behavior of the world's religions. Fowler takes on all of them. What's not to like about a shopping cart seeking the meaning to life? This is a very funny book with a deep message.”
FIVE STARS “For those who appreciate Kurt Vonnegut's musings, Fowler is a must. His writing style and sense of humor are clearly reminiscent of Vonnegut's, but with a bit more of an optimistic slant. In addition to the humor in his writing (which is sharp and laugh-out-loud funny), Fowler has a knack for making his readers stop and think about the world around them and their role in it (to, "put their money where their metaphysics are," as one of the book's protagonists would say) -- without being at all preachy or over-bearing. I have recommended this thought-provoking, hilarious book to many friends already and recommend it whole-heartedly to my fellow … users as well.”
FIVE STARS “Excellent …a brilliant and brilliantly readable book looking at the only question that really matters.”
Books by Bo Fowler:
Notes from the Autopsy of God
The Philosophy of Stars
Scepticism Inc.
The Astrological Diary of God
Notes from the
Autopsy of God
Anti-Acknowledgement
A number of people did not help in the writing of this book. ‘Friends’ read the manuscript but did not make any helpful suggestions nor correct a single spelling mistake.
As for my agent, the less said about him the better.
A special ‘non thank you’ goes to my wife who did none of the typing and does not consider this a ‘proper book.’
B.F.
“A serious and good philosophical work could be written that would consist entirely of jokes.”
- attributed to Ludwig Wittgenstein
Preface
Since God is a wave function of yes, no and maybe the true free thinker must oscillate; believing, disbelieving and doubting all at once…
(Do not labour under the misapprehension that I wish to be understood.)
Prologue
In the late evening of a balmy spring day God was found face down in the sky, dead to the world.
Attempts at resuscitation were unsuccessful.
The police conducted some initial investigations and then stood around self-consciously.
The world religions bickered.
Muslims wanted God buried straight away. Hindus wanted him burnt. Mormons proposed cloning but no one took the idea seriously. When the Catholics suggested God be eaten the Protestants protested.
Some two months after the discovery of God’s lifeless body, the Vatican, unilaterally, sent a golden submarine up God’s rectum.
The San Marco and it’s crew of four Jesuits was never heard from again.
A short time later God’s remains were declared the property of the UN and a General Assembly was convened.
The General Assembly argued and debated for a year and a day but still couldn’t agree what to do.
Then the Grand Pathologist landed outside the UN in a hot air balloon filled with the wind of spurious arguments.
No one knew from whence he came or who had appointed him but the Grand Pathologist addressed the General Assembly saying that a thorough examination of God had to be carried out since without one it would be impossible to ever ascertain the cause of his demise.
And that was how the Autopsy of God came to be.
Day One
The theists took the best seats, the agnostics hovered at the door way, while the atheists made a point of not attending.
God was laid out in the Divine Mortuary (the former Elephant House in London Zoo).
He was the colour of the pages of an old book.
There was something very sad and utterly ridiculous about him, particularly his toes.
And then the Grand Pathologist entered wearing an electric blue gown.
He took a bow and then cutting little steps with a pick axe clambered up God’s left foot. Once at the top he made his way up the shin.
As the Grand Pathologist went he unravelled a tape measure the end of which he nailed unceremoniously to God’s big toe.
He scaled the knee and headed for the foothills of the groin noting the decay and discolouration and pointing at various things with a stick.
At midday he picnicked on God’s right nipple.
Around two he stopped at the nape of the neck for a nap.
After that, still trawling his tape measure, the Grand Pathologist made his way through the beard and up past the ridge of the chin.
And as the Grand Pathologist clambered this way and that over the remains of God he made curious utterances which were recorded for Posterity (whether she wanted them or not).
1
The world cannot be summed up in words or anything else.
2
Today is the day of God’s autopsy and yet so few have a spring in their step.
3
Virtually all great works of Art are never made, they remain undreamed, unpainted, unwritten beneath the earth of forever.
4
We are only ever for a fleeting moment what we wish - and what we fear - we are.
(There is a certain justice in this.)
5
Religions are hollow. The ‘Voice of God’ the echo of man’s bleating.
6
Often we believe we have thought when we have merely felt.
7
If an alien observed a human reading a book would it be able to tell which was the book and which was the human?
8
Is the wind the source of God?
(Do worlds without lighting also lack religions?)
9
God is dead.
(Break out the party poppers!)
10
I used to be a personal enemy of God but then I realized that was too good for Him.
11
The Metaphysician: a person continuously run over by his own train of thought.
12
Maybe nothing is normal.
13
Christ died to save himself.
14
Even God’s lifeless body has the power to kindle a thousand religions.
15
God: see above.
16
If reality is merely a dream in the mind of God, what did he eat the night before?
17
Civilization in the world, like reason in the mind, is but a veneer.
18
Religion believes it is written into the fabric of reality whereas Sport knows it is only a game. Sport consequently is philosophically superior to religion.
19
Galaxies: cataracts in the eye of God.
20
That the whole of existence rests inside a single precarious rain drop of probability, means nothing.
21
All arguments about the existence of things are petty.
22
How many distant fond embraces are, really life and death struggles?
23
The flock of birds looked like a flock of birds.
24
And what if the sky reflected like the ocean?
25
Our lives: written with the pen nibs of our wills upon the surface of the real.
26
The inner most chamber of the temple was no bigger than the size of a match box.
27
At the first sign of rain a mob crucified Noah with the wood from his Ark.
28
A temple is a library with but one book.
29
I am a great disbeliever.
30
He tried to paint a picture in someone’s head. He was arrested.
31
We do not see beyond the horizon because we do not care what happens so far from us.
32
Only the ugly see beauty.
33
What if God turns out to be second rite?
34
Just then the dead man’s wrist watch alarm went off.
35
(Some things are not worth writing down.)
36
The Earth: the moon’s moon.
37
The kiss that does not happen is often the most memorable.
38
Your imagination is only limited by your imagination.
39
Why should we feel superior to people we know want us to feel superior to them, the idiots?
40
God: Man’s cosmic mockery of himself.
41
Are idols called idols because they do nothing?
42
Is a poem like a sum?
7.
43
Priests, when they have finished saying Mass, should commit suicide.
44
Even when we are drowned out we still persist!
45
Religious people cannot laugh for the same reasons funny people cannot pray.
46
Life: glorious defeats and empty victories.
47
All art is, of necessity, small.
48
A mouse eats until he weighs enough to set off the mouse trap on which he lives.
49
Man: unluckily lucky.
50
We make most of our toys, like our Gods, in our own image.
51
People who think their dreams make them interesting are wrong.
52
The Universe: an artistic depiction of itself.
53
Memorials are built to make us forget.
54
A pyretic victory is still a victory.
55
Why is there evil in the world?
Because God only works part time.
56
Only people who do not believe in the world require religion.
57
“Can Ann Green please go to the Bargain Basement to meet her husband.”
58
In the nursery the children argued over paradigms.
59
The man in charge of the bouncy castle was reading a book entitled The Big Bang.
60
Religion: art mistaken for something else.
61
How much more beautiful we would be if there were no such thing as mirrors.
62
What is required for us to do amazing things?
An audience.
63
We do not possess forethought even after the event.
64
How could we tell if God were insane and what difference would it make if he was?
65
Neil Armstrong never really left the moon. He eventually ran out of oxygen. No one knows what his last words were.
66
‘Of course there’s a God, I mean what would priests be for if there wasn’t?’
67
Not believing in God is like not shaving:
‘Oh you’re growing a beard’ people say.
‘No, I’m just not shaving.’
68
How God envies the awesome potency of our futility.
69
Only where there is death is there art.
70
Was original sin all that original?
71
God wears a dinner jacket and track pants splattered with spiral galaxies.
72
If you could live forever why start anything now?
73
I hate long hellos.
74
God: the mis-spelt, mistranslated place name of the utterly unknown.
75
Do not confuse words for the world.
(Words delude us into thinking that we know the essence of things when all we know are words.)
76
To regret anything is to wish to be someone else.
77
‘At least I got this far!’ declares the man who falls at the first hurdle.
78
Only mediocre minds dread the obvious.
79
In the beginning was a conjugated verb.
80
Back track long enough and it magically becomes forward.
81
God is dead.
(Make way for the asset strippers!)
82
Laughter: the antidote to everything and more.
83
Believe in your doubts.
84
People’s lives are so absurd, most fail to realize.
85
Being really early can feel a lot like being really late.
86
There is no such thing as a living pessimist.
87
Jesus was either a cowboy carpenter or a saint.
88
Confidence is a sort of desperation, so too is optimism.
89
The quickest journey is often the shortest.
90
‘Please keep your Gods on a leash at all times.’
91
Religion: the ritualization of ritual.
92
Why ‘the’ truth and ‘a’ lie and not ‘a’ truth and ‘the’ lie?
93
God, in a beat up old car stuck in morning traffic, put on her eyeliner, for old time’s sake.
94
We don’t extend knowledge, we reduce stupidity.
95
Where do we fit in the tiny scheme of things?
96
Numbers: the very first metaphors.
97
It depresses me to think what I would be like were I not an optimist.
98
The religious man: sheltering under an umbrella on a perfectly sunny day.
99
‘Look at the time! I can’t stand here chatting all day!’ exclaimed the Jehovah Witness.
100
Religions: appendixes in the great book of Misanthropy.
101
If there was telepathy there would be no love.
102
There are too many priests and not enough poets. Or is it the other way around?
103
Is there anything beyond cliché? Only time will tell.
104
A superhero is someone who does not know they are not.
105
Is it intolerant to be intolerant of intolerance?
106
I take my wife out to dinner. I scan the restaurant for attractive women, one takes my eye. She is smiling.
It is my wife in the giant mirror that stretches across the room like time.
107
Solace for what?
108
The obvious is sometimes not so obvious.
109
Does the absolute enter into itself? Who honestly cares?
110
All money is pretty.
111
Dogma: the smell of wonder when it has gone off.
112
God is dead.
(All priests are to come out with their hands in prayer.)
113
Just as no key can unlock an unlocked door, so too no religion can explain life.
114
A philosopher: A sit down comic.
115
If ghosts were real then there should be more and more of them all the time and we, the living, would be lost amid them.
116
Invention: the new evolution.
117
I once phoned a psychic and invited her to come over and tell me my future. At the end of our phone conversation she asked for my address.
‘But you’re psychic’ I reminded her and hung up.
118
‘I’m not going to tell you how to ruin your life.’
119
Nothing that begins is infinite. Souls wear out.
120
A book: a concentration of concentration.
121
Life is the moving from the simple to the complex to the simple again – a train ride from the countryside into a great city and out once more into the countryside.
122
The Catholic Church dictates that the soul is created the moment of conception and yet identical twins do not separate, at the earliest, for two more days.
123
What is God’s favourite colour?
124
Religions; fairy tales taken seriously for no reason.
125
If books were trees forests would be libraries, but really so what?
126
Exact science is not an exact science.
127
I’ve searched for God, now it’s his turn to look for me.
128
Religion: the ballast of a long ago trip no one remembers going on, that didn’t actually happen.
129
I am not even apathetic.
130
Pavlov’s Moped.
131
Jokes are not free: they are made at the expense of reason.
132
Fortunately the Universe does not permit what is impossible.
133
The unknown: the familiar unrecognized.
134
Life: a shimmering of possibilities that do not come to pass.
135
Whatever befalls us, the Milky Way spins on.
There is some comfort in this.
136
God: monstrous cul-de-sac of words.
137
Even if we could change the past it would not make the slightest difference.
138
Cities, it must not be forgotten, are a sort of coral.
139
That none of this matters, does not matter.
140
Truth! Ah, I laugh in the face of truth.
141
It may be pretentious to write but how much more so not to.
142
Do not insult my ignorance.
143
Nothing is impossible unless you try.
144
The remedy of hope is more hope.
145
God is dead.
(Who?)
146
If we ever had a rational religion we would burn people for irrationality.
147
God: a marriage a trios.
148
Art: the religion of a future that never arrives.
149
Where are the aliens? Masturbating in deep space.
150
Language to us is almost invisible.
151
Children make you old and young.
152
Persisting: giving up on giving up.
153
And very slowly God fell awake.
154