Special Smashwords Edition
The Philosophy of Stars
by
Bo Fowler
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or to actual events or locales is entirely coincidental.
The Philosophy of Stars
Special Smashwords Edition
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Copyright © 2011 Bo Fowler All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book, or portions thereof, in any form. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical without the express written permission of the author. The scanning, uploading, and distribution of this book via the Internet or via any other means without the permission of the publisher is illegal and punishable by law. Please purchase only authorized electronic editions, and do not participate in or encourage electronic piracy of copyrighted materials.
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Copyright © Malcolm Fowler – Untitled Painting
Published by: Telemachus Press, LLC at Smashwords
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ISBN # 978-1-937387-68-6 (eBook)
Version 2011.10.05
If you like The Philosophy of Stars, you’ll love Scepticism Inc.
What the Newspapers think of Bo Fowler’s Scepticism Inc.:
“Scepticism Inc. is a venomously intelligent and funny novel with a richly European combination of whimsy and seriousness… this book’s rare pleasure is that, as well as numerous running gags, it boasts a wealth of conceptual and structural jokes… If Nietzsche had written a novel, it would probably have some of the flavor of Bo Fowler’s ambitious debut.”
THE GUARDIAN
“Beguiling, humane and very funny… Scepticism Inc.’s narrative slipperiness and sly humor reminded me of Slaughterhouse-Five…this is a serious satire on belief and the desire to believe which surprises and delights.”
TIME OUT
“A wildly inventive and funny novel”
THE BIG ISSUE
“A very funny novel”
THE MAIL ON SUNDAY
“An ambitious, daredevil satire”
THE INDEPENDENT
“Scepticism Inc. is a kind of Nietzsche for beginners… refreshingly quick-witted; easy to read and easy to please, with thought-provoking ideas.”
THE OBSERVER
“Fowler’s account of one man and his trolley against the zealots is a shaggy dog story of cosmic proportions. This outrageous irreligious first novel launches an exciting new talent upon the world. Dare I say it, I have great faith in him.’
THE LITERARY REVIEW
Online praise for Bo Fowler’s Skepticism Inc.:
FIVE STARS “Good to the last page? Especially the last page. Too many books end with an anticlimactic 'by the same author' burble chore, but not this one. The author's note had me in stitches.
Throughout the book, I was delighted by the farcical situations, the lovable, flawed hero and the tight narrative style.
Stop thinking about ordering a copy of this book, and just do it. Order this book… you could have a life-changing experience... or at least a very good laugh.
I have a proposal: we should bulk-buy a million or more copies of this book, and distribute it widely. Ideally, in every hotel and motel throughout the world, next to the Gideon bible, there would be a copy of Skepticism, Inc. It might make the world a better place. Aloha.”
FIVE STARS “Thoroughly entertaining, and thought provoking! stands up to reading time and time again. Generally fantastic book!”
FIVE STARS “I completely disagree with the reviews comparing this writer to Vonnegut - this is in a whole new and exciting league. Fowler should be judged by his own merit. The writer and the writing are intelligent, yet not pompous, quick and original. The book reads like a thriller, but contains tidbits of philosophical ideas, served fresh and easy to digest. I thought it was going to be just a quick summery read - NOT! It was one of the fullest and most fun reading experiences I've had this year. Good going Fowler, I'm running to the shops to get your next one...”
FIVE STARS “This is truly the book that ink has been crying out to describe, the book that pulped trees have been longing to have stamped into their flattened essences, that the human eye has been lost without.”
FIVE STARS “This is quite probably the best book every written. That is of course, a ridiculous statement, but such is the inescapable farce the book kicks up around the reader, it seems, for the duration of the read, entirely true. Is it deep philosophy? No. Is it high-art? Not really. Is it horribly, limb aching, head hurtingly funny? Yes. Yes it is. If you like funny books of any sort, especially ones that are intelligent (if not exactly stretching - but that's not really the point now, is it?) then go and pick this up, or suffer the eternal consequences.”
FIVE STARS “Ever thought anything about religion ever? Read this book. More important than the Bible (probably). This is a totally irreverent novel about a sentient shopping trolley, a man who sets up a Metaphysical Betting Shop through which religious people can bet on their faith and who ends up becoming the world's richest man, and his beautiful female nemesis.
If this book took more targeted attacks at specific religions and religious leaders then it would have gained an incredible notoriety and possibly a fatwa or two. But as it is its intelligent breadth kept it under the radar. If you've ever given any thought to religion in any way, whether you're religious or not, you should read this book- you'll enjoy it and be challenged by it. Excellent stuff.”
FIVE STARS “This book constantly makes me laugh, no matter how many times I read it! All the aspects that this book brings forth, from the human mind, is a revelation of comedy.
The characters are real, the situations, however fantastic and melodiously comic, are plausibly possible. If you don't read philosophy, you might find some parts of it a bit confusing, but even the illiterate will just love the slapstick comic moments. A massively wondrous book. Read it, buy it, and marry it!”
FIVE STARS “Extremely surreal, funny and strangely gripping. You won't be able to put this down, except to wipe the tears from your eyes. This is a superb play on human nature and faith, combined with a central character who turns out to be a shopping trolley.
Don't read this in public, people think you have gone mad when you keep bursting out with laughter.”
FIVE STARS “I avoided this book for ages as I thought the conceit too self- consciously off-beat. Boy, was I wrong. I absolutely adored it. So funny, so sweet: I'm going to try and get my devoted catholic mother to read it… Highly recommended, especially if you like Kurt Vonnegut (which you should).”
FIVE STARS “A perfect book for the trainee Atheist. Very, very funny, but with a serious point to it as well. I certainly agree with the other reviewer - the world would be a much better place if everyone read this book. It's also true that whilst at school we all learn about the major beliefs in the world, there is one belief that gets consistently overlooked - the belief that there is no God. This book provides some memorable moments and some great entertainment. A superb Christmas present for any fundamentalists in your family.”
FIVE STARS “The world would be a better place if everyone read this book. Religion in the modern world is turned inside out by a witty, clever story with very likeable characters. Even the narrator, a shopping trolley with an advanced computer program containing a fault (the belief in God), is extremely likeable. I would definitely put this book on the school curriculum.”
FIVE STARS “This is one of the funniest books I've ever read. It is also a very unusual, odd book, and is very easy to read. In fact, I keep an extra copy around, that I keep lending to people. I eagerly await the author's next book. In addition to being a really enjoyable read, the book does have a message -- one that not everyone will appreciate. A person of strong faith and a sense of humor, will be able to smile at the fun the author pokes at religion. Those with little faith, and no funny bone would attack it. Highly recommended.”
FIVE STARS “First off, I don't give five stars. Except here. And its not because this is the finest piece of literature I have ever read. It's just a very good, very funny book with a great deal of heart. Scepticism, Inc. is a look at the ways in which religion makes people act and manifests itself in society. Through farcical extremes, Fowler puts religion and human nature under a microscope. And its funny...and true. It's very hard to review something like this without giving away the magic. It's not for everyone - those with strict religious beliefs might not appreciate the fun Fowler pokes, but for those with open minds (or even those with closed minds with good senses of humor), Scepticism Inc is worth the read.”
FIVE STARS “The various descriptions of satire, parable, rant, etc. don't do justice to what is an inventive lampooning of hypocrisy. Do not read this book if you are unwilling to openly face the behavior of the world's religions. Fowler takes on all of them. What's not to like about a shopping cart seeking the meaning to life? This is a very funny book with a deep message.”
FIVE STARS “For those who appreciate Kurt Vonnegut's musings, Fowler is a must. His writing style and sense of humor are clearly reminiscent of Vonnegut's, but with a bit more of an optimistic slant. In addition to the humor in his writing (which is sharp and laugh-out-loud funny), Fowler has a knack for making his readers stop and think about the world around them and their role in it (to, "put their money where their metaphysics are," as one of the book's protagonists would say) -- without being at all preachy or over-bearing. I have recommended this thought-provoking, hilarious book to many friends already and recommend it whole-heartedly to my fellow... users as well.”
FIVE STARS “Excellent...a brilliant and brilliantly readable book looking at the only question that really matters.”
Books by Bo Fowler:
Notes from the Autopsy of God
The Philosophy of Stars
Scepticism Inc.
The Astrological Diary of God
The Philosophy of Stars
or
A-Hundred-Thousand-Million-Billion-Glow-In-The-Dark-Crucifixes
Jung saw the night sky as the most suitable region for man’s projection of unconscious content
- A Dictionary of Symbols
Are there no Moravians in the Moon, that not a missionary has yet visited this poor pagan planet of ours to civilize civilization and christianize Christendom?
- Herman Melville
He who sits in Heaven laughs
- Psalm II
Most books are dedicated to a person.
This book is dedicated to an idea.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
O what ramifications flow from what you are!
Part One
Aream Theologorum Perussit Sict Fulmen
(It Fell Like A Bomb Into The Playground Of The Theologians)
1
In the middle of nowhere in particular there was a little church that’s spire was so tall it would have poked God in his iridescent eye.
If there had been a God.
2
Next to the little church in the middle of nowhere in particular were some olive groves and a friary that made Glow-In The-Dark-Crucifixes for the glory of God.
The friary made over a thousand Glow-In-The-Dark-Crucifixes a week which was impressive as just six friars lived there.
Engraved over the entrance to the friary were the words:
SMILE, JESUS LOVES YOU
3
The Glow-In-The-Dark-Crucifixes were collected every Saturday and ended up on sale in places like Lourdes, Medjugorje and Vatican City.
Some of the Glow-In-The-Dark-Crucifixes made in the friary next to the little church in the middle of nowhere in particular ended up in the Holy Land itself.
Six times a day production of Glow-In-The-Dark-Crucifixes was stopped and the friars prayed in the little church in the middle of nowhere in particular.
4
Father Herbert had been in charge of the friary for as long as anyone could remember. He was 301* years old and prided himself on the amount of Glow-In-The-Dark-Crucifixes his little community produced. Father Herbert had a chart on the wall of his study showing weekly production figures.
* The ages of all the characters in this novel have been calculated using Biblical chronology. Biblical chronology was devised in 1833 by devout Christians to explain the longevity of such Biblical characters as Moses and Methuselah.
In Biblical chronology there are only three months to a year instead of the normal twelve.
The friary was the most productive in the Franciscan Order and Father Herbert saw himself as a Henry T. Ford who made Glow-In-The-Dark-Crucifixes for the glory of God.
Next to the chart on the wall of Father Herbert’s study was a postcard of Jesus. It was the sort of postcard that changed when you moved your head just a little. One minute Jesus was smiling at Father Herbert and the next he was looking crossly over the friar’s shoulder.
5
The six friars in the friary next to the little church in the middle of nowhere in particular didn’t watch television. Nor did they listen to the radio. They were, for the love of God, not supposed to pay any attention to news or current events. They were supposed to think about the Virgin Mother, the Holy Ghost, Jesus Christ, God Almighty and that was about it.
There were signs all over the friary that said:
Let no one dare to ask about
the gossip of the world nor tell it,
nor speak of trifles or frivolous
subjects apt to cause laughter.
There were other signs that said simply:
Shhhhhhhsss.
6
Friars had been quietly making Glow-In-The-Dark-Crucifixes in the friary next to the little church in the middle of nowhere in particular from the late 17th century.
The Glow-In-The-Dark-Crucifixes these days were white, made of plastic and had ‘Made by Genuine Franciscan Monks’ proudly embossed on the back. Each little plastic Christ was about six inches tall and pale green.
At night, when the friars had all gone to bed the plastic Christs would glow like crazy.
They really would.
7
Brother Ferdinand (247*) was the foreman of the crucifix workshop and was always saying that the Lord’s work was never done.
Brother Bernard (340*) painted the gold relief work on each and every Glow-In-The-Dark-Crucifix and walked with the aid of a crutch.
* Biblical chronology.
Brother Bernard’s crutch was second-hand, came from Lourdes and had stickers on it that said things like:
Jesus;
Because Everybody
Needs a Hero
or
Tougher
than
Nails!
or
Make Abortion
Illegal
or
What is missing
in Chr ch?
Brother Bernard would sometimes have ‘turns’, during which he would become convinced that the end of the world had begun.
Brother Bernard had medication for these episodes.
Father Herbert looked after it for him.
8
Brother Blachford (303*) poured the holy plastic while Brother Falzon (210*) carefully glued each Christ to his cross despite being very nearly blind.
* Biblical chronology.
Once the green plastic Christs had been nailed to each cross, but these days it was cheaper and faster to glue them.
When the Glow-In-The-Dark-Crucifixes were finished Brother Falzon would pack them into cardboard boxes crossing himself as he did so.
Printed on the side of each cardboard box was:
^ This Way to Heaven ^
9
Brother Entwistle (315*) prepared the food.
* Biblical chronology.
Food at the friary was very bland. It was meant to be. The friars were supposed to think about God not what they were eating; consequently Brother Entwistle prided himself on how bad his cooking was.
When everyone had finished eating the six friars would go in single file into the kitchen where they all put on yellow gloves and washed up.
They were supposed to wash up in silence.
There was a sign on the wall of the kitchen which said:
Shhhhhhhsss
10
The six friars in the friary next to the little church in the middle of nowhere in particular wore sneakers under their robes. Father Herbert had bought them wholesale. (He had refused to buy Nike as this was the name of a Pagan Goddess.) Father Herbert and his brothers wore their sneakers all the time and their feet smelt just terrible.
The friars rather liked having smelly feet, this was all to do with the mortification of the flesh, with holy people not liking their bodies very much.
(Brother Ferdinand, the foreman, secretly put pin tacks into his sneakers to further suffer for the sins of the world.)
Hatred of the body came from Gnosticism, a religious movement that flourished in AD 100 and later incorporated into Christianity. Gnosticism saw anything physical as downright evil, which is very stupid.
Gnostics are very hard people to live with.
11
By the main entrance of the friary next to the little church in the middle of nowhere in particular was a gift shop.
The gift shop sold Holy Bibles, book marks, Virgin-Mother-Jigsaws, Glow-In-The-Dark-Crucifixes and a collection of mood swinging Jesus Christ postcards.
No one had ever bought anything from the gift shop which was just as well since none of the friars had any idea how the till machine worked or what on earth to do with a credit card.
On windy days Brother Falzon and Brother Blackford would sometimes fly kites made from Glow-In-The-Dark-Crucifixes and tin foil on a nearby hill the friars had nicknamed Mount Arat.
Once, while flying his crucifix-kite during a storm, Brother Falzon had been struck by lightening.
He really had.
The lightening had struck him in his left eye.
It had hurt like hell.
12
Every Sunday the six friars would say Mass in the little church in the middle of nowhere in particular.
They were joined by the little old ladies from the village nearby. The little old ladies were 500* if they were a day.
* Biblical chronology.
Father Herbert would perform Mass then clamber into the Stannah Stair Lift, installed some years ago, and, almost imperceptibly, ascend to the pulpit where he would give a sermon.
When he had finished his sermon Father Herbert would announce the number of Glow-In-The-Dark-Crucifixes made that week and the little old ladies would smile, rustle plastic bags appreciatively, and waddle out to the accompanying clanking of walking sticks.
13
Things had gone on exactly like that in the friary next to the little church in the middle of nowhere in particular for as long as anyone could remember.
Until one rainy Sunday morning.
14
That particular morning the six friars found a Post-It-Note stuck to the church door when they arrived for morning prayers.
Written on the Post-It-Note in very small, neat handwriting was this:
I
Only we insomniacs are free. We cannot be made to sleep. We cannot help but use our eyes. For us the night sky is less a view more a point of view, a florescent philosophy, a frame of mind.
We have discovered the New Gospel: the Telescopic Revelation. The Revelation to end all Revelations.
We look upon the night sky and see it for what it is: a terrible blasphemy, which is to say a terrible truth.
Once it was a tragic mistake to be a Christian now it is
an impossibility. To be a Christian today is to be a Comedian.
After the friars had read the Post-It-Note stuck to the church door there was a period of silence.
Then everyone looked at Father Herbert.
15
Father Herbert saw that everyone was looking at him and wondered what to do. He decided in the end to peel the Post-It-Note from the door, roll it into a little ball and toss it in a nearby bin.
‘Domine, labia mea aperies: Et os meum annunciabit laudem tuum’ Father Herbert said when everyone was sitting inside the little church. It meant in a long dead language; ‘Lord, open my lips; and my mouth will declare your praise.’ When he had said this the six friars began to sing.
They were just terrible.
They knew they were terrible, they just hoped God would understand.
It was, after all, the thought that counts.
When the terrible singing had finished the friars prayed for Jesus, the Pope and the Minister General of their Order. Last, but not least, they prayed for the production figures of their Glow-In-The-Dark-Crucifixes.
Then there was more terrible singing.
Some fifteen minutes later the friars stopped singing terribly.
Brother Blachford coughed.
(This was not part of the service but might have appeared to be to an innocent bystander.)
16
Father Herbert’s sermon that day was on ecumenical matters. He climbed into the Stannah Stair Lift and made his way to the pulpit.
When, finally, he got there he told a joke.
The joke went like this:
‘How many Protestants does it take to screw in a light bulb?’
‘I don’t know, how many Protestants does it take to screw in a light bulb?’
‘None, they are all in eternal darkness.’
When Father Herbert’s sermon on ecumenical matters was over he announced the number of Glow-In-The-Dark-Crucifixes made that week and the little old ladies smiled, crossed themselves and rustled their plastic bags in appreciation.
After that it was time for lunch which consisted that day of nothing at all.
This was called fasting.
When the six friars had finished fasting for lunch they went in single file into the kitchen and washed up the empty plates they hadn’t eaten anything off.
17
On Monday, with his brothers hard at work, Father Herbert occupied himself in the library with an enormous copy of The lives of the Saints reading about the life of the founder of the Franciscans, St. Francis of Assisi.
Father Herbert had a thing for St. Francis. St. Francis was Father Herbert’s Elvis Presley.
As for St. Francis himself, he had had a thing for animals.
Saints, like Gnostics and Rock Stars are hard people to live with.
18
St. Francis had been born in the city of Assisi in 1118.
His father had been a successful cloth merchant, his mother, a fervent and devout Catholic.
St. Francis’s youth was not what one might expect for a future saint. He drank like a fish, partied into the early hours, serenaded scores of young ladies and never set foot inside a church. To begin with St. Francis was something of a playboy.
At the age of eighty four* St. Francis, overcome with terrible boredom, decided he would become a heroic knight and perform feats of gallantry; he went to fight in the war then raging between the cities of Assisi and Perugia. St. Francis was a very bad knight, in his very first action he fell off his horse, hit his head and was taken prisoner.
* Biblical chronology.
Conditions in the Perugian prison St. Francis was thrown into were horrendous. St. Francis’ spirits however were high, he told his fellow captives that he would one day be honoured by the entire world. His fellow captors told St. Francis to get the bump on his head seen to the moment he got out.
St. Francis was eventually released and returned to Assisi, where he started to have dizzy spells caused by his fall and found that he could only say his parents’ names backward. St. Francis insisted that there was nothing seriously wrong and set off to fight in another war, this time between the cities of Assisi and Apulia. His father’s advice being not to fall off his horse this time.
With these words ringing in his ears St. Francis set off, on what was to be his road to Damascus.
19
On Tuesday it poured with rain and Father Herbert and his five brothers found another Post-It-Note on the door of the little church.
Written on it was this:
II
Philosophy is the art of staying awake.
Religion is the art of sleep, the studied capacity to ignore reality, to turn one’s nose up at things-as-they-are, treating reality as if it simply was not there.
The child of the philosopher, the scientist, looks, peers on his tiptoe, squints as far as he is able - the religious man denies the existence not merely of the universe but of eyes.
Man has sided with the religious man, has chosen ‘ignorance’, willed himself not to look, not to think. Consequence of this immorality? His philosophy is four hundred light years behind his astronomy, his world-view: mediaeval, provincial, parochial, Aristotelian.
A little later the friars sung terribly again for the glory of God then prayed.
They prayed for Jesus, the Pope and the Head of their Order. They prayed for their production figures and last, but not least, they prayed for whoever it was leaving the curious Post-It-Notes on the door of the little church in the middle of nowhere in particular.
20
Not far from Assisi St. Francis began to have second thoughts about being a heroic knight. He told the others he was travelling with that he needed to pee and that he would catch them up.
It was then that St. Francis had the first of what would be numerous visions. In the vision God told St. Francis to return to Assisi where he would contact him again and tell him what he must do.
Then God told St. Francis to put his willie away and wash his hands.
St. Francis returned to Assisi where everyone, including his loving parents, concluded that he was a coward, a chicken, a yellow-belly and so on and so forth.
‘Am I glad to see you’ said St. Francis when God appeared in another vision a day later.
‘Francis’ God said ‘come and follow me.’
‘Sure’ said St. Francis who didn’t have anything better to do now that all his friends had disowned him for being a coward, a chicken, a yellow-belly and so on.
Then God told St. Francis once again to put his willie away and wash his hands.
St. Francis locked himself in his room and prayed non-stop for days.
‘Not only is my son a coward, he’s turned into a loon as well’ said St. Francis’s father in despair.
A few days later St. Francis moved out of his parent’s house and took to living in a grotto and eating uncooked pasta. Even his mother, who was deeply religious, became a little worried at this stage.
21
It was raining on Thursday when the friars found the next Post-It-Note.
III
Some ideas are so vast in their implication, so grand in their scale they can be lost from view, taking up the whole field of vision, the entire canopy of sky.
We are concerned here with such an idea – an idea startling, wondrous and ‘a thousand times accursed’, a philosophical-revolutionary idea, that, once grasped, precipitates a revaluation of all things.
None of the friars, of course, had any idea what the Post-It-Note was going on about.
They didn’t have a clue.
22
On Saturday, two friars in their white van came to collect that week’s Crucifix production. They parked next to a little door opposite the workshop that had the words: