Here Comes da' Judge
By Michael Goldsberry
Smashwords Edition
Copyright © 2011 by the author.
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
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This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either products of the author's imagination or used fictitiously. All resemblance to actual events, locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. All rights reserved. No part of this publication can be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, without the permission in writing from the author.
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either products of the author's imagination or used fictitiously. All resemblance to actual events, locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. All rights reserved. No part of this publication can be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, without the permission in writing from the author.
This book is also dedicated to my darling Chris, because I love her and because she sometimes laughs with me, not just at me.
Here Comes da' Judge is part three of The Holey Bible or Holey Hullabaloo. The first two brought us from Genesis to the conquest of Canaan, toy chickens and all. This one tells the story of the judges with some surprising and silly results. Well, I was surprised. I hope you, dear reader, continue to enjoy these stories and laugh along with me.
Oh yeah, you might want to keep that chicken handy.
Michael
Chapter 1
When Joshua and all that generation passed away and their children had grown, Israel began to forget the lessons learned. They became complacent in their prosperity and started doing as their neighbors did, that which the Lord had warned them not to do. It was mostly subtle changes over time. For example, some Hebrew craftsmen fashioned toy chickens in memory of Moses. The toys became very popular and thus began a lively trade. The nations surrounding Israel all initially wanted toy chickens for their children too, but eventually they began to worship the toys as idols.
Falling into the trap, some Israelites convinced themselves that the chickens were indeed in the likeness of God and began to pay homage. Then one day an angel of the Lord went up from Gilgal to Bokim and said to the people there, “What the hell are you doing?” So the people put away their chickens, but not for long. Seeing that the people remained rebellious, God removed His protective hand from Israel and soon they were defeated by their enemies.
The king of Aram invaded Israel and overtook the land. Not only did he impose heavy taxation on the people, but to satiate his unique sense of humor he also made all the people stand in a long line. When a Hebrew advanced to the first position, the king would ask him, “What is my name?” If the man was able to say the king's name correctly, he was allowed to go home. If not, he had to return to the end of the line and it took about a month to get back up to the front. And there was nowhere to go poop. Vicious. Now the king's name was Cushan-Rishathaim, he pronounced it with a little flourish as if he thought it was fancy. Vicious.
There arose in the land a hero named Othniel from the city of Ner. He was a brilliant young man whose bravery matched his intellect. By trade Othniel created board games, the best-selling he named after himself, Othello. He conceived of a plan to rid Israel of the foreign king by challenging the king to a game on the board.
Game in hand, Othniel got in line along with his fellow countrymen. When his turn finally came, he approached the king. The king asked him, “What is my name?” Othniel was one of the very few who could pronounce the name correctly, and he did. He went on to speak with the king, “I am Othniel of Ner. I challenge you, O king, to a simple game. If you should win, I and all Hebrews will lay our wealth at your feet and leave this land. However, if I win, you and your army must leave our land.”
The king agreed and they played. Othniel won. It wasn't even close. The king demanded best two out of three. Othniel won again. The invaders left in discrace.
The people from Ner held a parade in Othniel's honor. His fame spread throughout the whole country of Israel and how he helped save them from oppression. That day also was set aside by the mayors from other cities to honor the city of Ner annually for their good and wise deeds. And so it was that Othniel the Nerd became the first judge in Israel, remembered every year on the day of the Revenge of the Nerds.
Chapter 2
Again the Israelites were naughty in the sight of the Lord, and because they did this the Lord gave Eglon king of Moab power over Israel for eighteen years. There arose another hero, Ehud, a left-handed man who was barely three feet tall. Ehud made for himself a short sword a foot and a half long, double edged. After fashioning a suitably large toy chicken, he inserted the sword into it, spring loaded. Then the Israelites sent him with tribute to Eglon king of Moab.
Now King Eglon was a very fat man and when he saw Ehud with his small stature, he was greatly amused. Ehud began to juggle the chicken-sword along with two apples and Eglon applauded. He said, “You are a funny wee man. You look kinda like a baby. You know, I'm bigger than you are and higher up in the food chain, so get in my belly!” It was all in good fun, of course, as King Eglon chased Ehud around the throne room. The courtiers had a big guffaw watching the scene in front of them unfold.
That very day King Eglon installed Ehud as his Chief Jester. Having thus gained free access to the palace, Ehud began collecting sensitive information about Eglon's troop strengths and locations. He would then pass the intelligence on to his companions in the Resistance.
One day before they were to put the plan into motion, King Eglon asked Ehud, “So, little fella, I'm curious. Is everything in proportion?” Ehud nodded, unsure what the king was driving at. “You know,” he continued, “Your giggle stick, ding-ding, bobby dangler? Don't be shy, let's have a look.” To which, Ehud dropped his loincloth and stood before the king in all his glory. With wide eyes, Eglon exclaimed, “Good gravy man, you're a tripod!” Ehud grinned.
The next day, the big day, started like any other. King Eglon was seated upon his throne with his nobles and servants around him. When state business was completed, refreshments and entertainment were called for. After Ehud finished his juggling act, he approached the king and said, “I have a message from God for you.” When Eglon inquired about the message, Ehud continued, “Your Majesty, just as Moses heard the voice of God in the chicken, so shall you. Put this chicken to your ear and press the stomach, then God will let it be know what He has in mind for you.” Taking the toy from Ehud's hand, King Eglon did as he was bidden. As he was about to press the button, Ehud backed out of the room and started to run. The court fell silent and they leaned forward that they might also hear the voice of God as He spoke to the king. King Eglon squeezed the chicken's stomach. It squeaked. Ehud's sword shot out from the chicken's mouth and pierced the king's head, who died instantly.
Outside the palace, Ehud joined with the Resistance and they attacked the palace. Per plan, they carried only toy chickens. Not a man among them held a sword. As they stormed through the gates, each yelled at the top of his lungs, “Bock Bock!” Terrified by the events and dreading the God of the Hebrews, the Moabites fled.
Forever after, all the descendants of Moab became afraid of chickens.
And little dudes.
Chapter 3
For eighty years the land of Israel knew only peace under Ehud. After that Israel again did naughty in the eyes of the Lord, so the Lord removed His protective hand from over them. Think they might notice a pattern? Anyway, this time it was the Philistines who invaded and conquered the land. There arose a hero to deliver the people named Shamgar. He was a salesman by trade and quite famous as such. Shamgar could sell sand to an Ishmaelite. Alas for him, however, that he was almost always broke because he had a weakness in his heart, (and elsewhere), for harlots.
Now there came a day when the Philistines made a raid on his home town during which they destroyed Shamgar's favorite brothel. When he heard about it, Shamgar decided to make a stand against the invaders. He gathered together all the working ladies of the land and furnished them with strapon aldos. (The Aldo was invented by Al, which is in essence a replica ding-ding. Most people called them by the slang term, “Ox goad.” Sold exclusively by Al's Secret worldwide, available in various colors and sizes, the basic design is the best-seller. However, there was a stiff niche market for the novelty aldos, some with bumps, others hollow to accommodate vibrating marbles.)
Thus equipped, the ladies stood at attention as Shamgar went down the line polishing all the aldos with a ShamWow, his own flagship product. They gleamed sparkly in the sun. (The aldos, not the ladies.) When all was in readiness, Shamgar gave the order and they began the march toward the Philistine camp. He encouraged them to walk in that way which only women can do and they had fun strutting their stuff hither and yon. Swinging back and forth as they were, gleaming brightly, the army of harlots was unmistakably a new sight to be seen. The ladies waved at the gentlemen lining the road, smiling as confusion registered on their faces. The women spectators laughed and laughed just by watching the expressions zip across their men's faces.