My
Buggy Battle:
Based On A True
Story…Kinda
by
Eric
M. Watterson
SONBooks
Copyright 2010 SON Enterprises
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Unless otherwise noted, all scripture quotations are taken from the King James Version of the Bible.
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Table of Contents
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The Day Started Out…
…like any other day. The alarm
clock went off. I threw it across the room. It smashed against the
wall and shattered into a million pieces. Yeah I broke it…again.
Don’t judge me. Not sure what I will tell my landlord about all the
holes in the wall when I move out though. I’ll be heading back to
Walmart later today. If I make it there by 3 P.M. I’ll make the
free cake samples. Awww Yeah!
Wait…wait…cake is a sometimes food…cake is a sometimes food! I’m working to have a six pack for when I find my wife one day. It’s a one pack right now! Whatever! Can you see your toes when you stand up?
The day was going fine. Got work done. Watched Sponge Bob flip a few Crabby patties’ and the world continued to spin fine from what I could tell. Later that day I entered the bathroom, searching for relief from the bottled water I had recently enjoyed. As I stood at the relief station taking care of business, it happened. Life as unexpected and startling as it can be.
There he was: my new enemy, my new foe. More threatening than my alarm clock and more horrifying than that lady in aisle 12 at Walmart, wearing fuzzy bunny slippers and a velvet house coat. I noticed him . . . staring . . . watching . . . waiting. His antennas pointed in a 45 degree angle in my direction. They moved slowly up and down, right and left, back and forth. It was clear to me that he saw me too, and was now as motionless as I was.
There was no question. Yes . . . He was watching me. . . reading me . . . noticing me . . . judging me. The fiend!!! I dare him! He wasn’t invited to the party. He wasn’t on the guest list and hadn’t chipped in on rent! And what exactly was he looking at while I handled my business? I felt so violated! So disrespected! The Bible says, “Vengeance is Mine, I will replay…”, but I didn’t think God would mind if I handled this one.
More Thoughts of…
…frustration and anger streamed thru
my mind like a gang of ladies streaming through the shoe department
at Macys on Black Friday! I was pissed and ready to get it on! As I
finalized my business, I quickly scanned my environment for a
suitable weapon to use in the upcoming battle against my enemy as we
continued in our motionless standoff. We both waited to see who would
make the next move as I heard the sounds of rustling wind as if we
were about to enter a high noon gunfight.
Moments later, it happened, I began to debate within myself, "Should I just walk away unharmed? No one would be the wiser. I could deny ever seeing my enemy if he was to suddenly surprise a beautiful female as we sat on the couch together watching “The Notebook.” (Which is the only way I would actual watching that movie no matter how great I heard it was!!!)
I could easily blame the grimy kids next door even though they’ve never actually been inside my place. But if I did walk away, would it really be over? Would this multi legged fiend crawl up my nose as I slept? Would he send for re-enforcements? Would he sneak up on me unaware? I couldn't take that chance! The answer was clear. The choice had been made. My destiny laid out before me before the beginning of time.
This battle had been written by His hands long before the beginning of time and must be completed or the earth would cease to spin. (Yeah…Whatever Dude!!!) For the benefit of all mankind...I, The E, must march forward to my destiny! The outcome has been written. I must trust! I must believe I must march forth to my destiny!
Within a Matter…
…of seconds I surveyed all the items
within arms reach that could be used as a weapon against my foe.
Soap? No . . . too round! It may only clean his antenna! Toilet
tissue? No . . . too soft! He may laugh at my pitiful advance.
Toothbrush? No . . . that's just disgusting!!! Then it happened. As
if a heavenly force was communicating with me supernaturally from
heaven I saw it. A light shined from above and caused it to gleam,
causing it to glow! There it was! The ultimate weapon! There was the
weapon that would lead me into battle. My instrument for victory was
waiting! Shining! Gleaming!
My tool of destruction and victory! The tool of all tools…The Toilet Brush! It sat there in perfect position. It's handle ready for my fingers to grasp and it's bristles ready to destroy all scum in its path! Yes! It was perfect and disgusting! Just like my enemy! (Well...except for the perfect part) They really do need to get that hole fixed in the floor of Bonnita Applebumb’s apartment above me . . . Geeze!
Anyway, back to the case at hand. My choice was made and my sword was ready and waiting, and so was my enemy. He still waited. He still watched. The next move . . . it belonged to me and I knew it. My business was complete . . . No time to wash my hands . . . No time to flush . . . No time to wait! The time was now. It was time. Time for battle! Time for one of the greatest battles know to man . . . The Buggy Battle! No more time to wait and debate. No time to run. No time for fear. There was only one time remaining. The time to strike!!!!
After a Deep Breath…
…I slowly bent my knees allowing
my long muscular arms, similar to those only found attached to Arnold
Schwarzenegger in the movie Conan The Barbarian (You wish dude!), the
reach needed to grab my tool of destruction. As I slowly bent my
knees, I kept my right eye securely fastened on my target. As I
slowly pulled my spiky sword from it's grounded holster, I heard a
sound similar to that made of the famous light sabers by times past
used by similar warriors as myself but of lesser skill on the silver
screen.
To my surprise my spiky sword was slightly wet. Is that why my co-worker Frank was in the bathroom close to 3.5 hours the day before? OMG! That’s so nasty Frank!!! I quickly replaced my thoughts of disgust and of running Frank over with my Mustang and refocused on my current target. Frank will get his next!
The Time Had Come…
…to engage the enemy. If he had just
said, “Oh excuse me. Did you need to use the throne?”, and made
his exit, life would have been fine. But nooooooo! He continued to
hold his position as if he had a right to position himself on the
towel bar in front of me as I relieved myself. And again . . . what
da heck was he looking at?!?! I slowly raised my weapon above my head
as the feeling of oneness embraced me and then I knew it the toilet
brush and I had become one! It had become an actual extension of me.
It became my weapon. I became its master. And it's was disgusting!
But, no time for hygiene now, I will wash my hands later or maybe
take another shower altogether . . . Thanks Frank! But right now, my
enemy had to die and he must die now!
As I positioned my weapon in its final position for maximum impact and destructiveness, to my surprise, my enemy stopped to moving its antennas, and became completely motionless now as if he was anticipating my next move. Had it seen this moment in a vision? Was this the situation that the prophecy foretold? Was this battle between man and bug told around campfires to little children hundreds of years before? Within a moments time I began to doubt. Shall I win? Is my enemy too great? Will I fall in battle today?
A Bead of Sweat…
…formed on my focused brow as I began
to inquire about some backup. Who was worthy? Who could I trust in
moments of battle? Willy? No . . . his wife always kills the bugs.
Pathetic! Junior? No . . . he ran away when this old lady jumped in
front of us in line at Burger King. Maybe I need better friends. I
can call my cousin Dink in Philly! But it would take him 12 hours to
get to Atlanta. Would I still be alive when he arrived? Knowing him
he would have to stop and get a cheese steak before getting on the
road. Whose got time for that? No, the choice was once again clear.
This was my battle! This was my time! This was my war! I gripped myself and rebuked all thoughts of fear! I once again raised my weapon above my head. With my arm completely extended I proclaimed, "You . . . Shall . . . Not . . . Pass!!!!" My toilet bowl weapon began to glow! The water from the sink began to flow! And I, thru heavenly insight, began to know . . . I was not alone. The heavens were with me and the time was now!
Just then it happened! I couldn’t believe it! My eyes bulged and my mouth widened as I watched! My enemy began to show his secret weapon! I must admit . . . I wasn't ready! I wasn't prepared! Slowly my enemy began to spread its wings! My entire world became comparable to those slow motion action sequences like those in Transformers or The Matrix! My enemy slowly began to spread his wings before me as if to say “Are you sure?” And that’s right . . . I wasn’t!
He was displaying to me another tool that would soon be used against me in our momentary battle! What Da Heck?!?! It's got wings!!!! No Fair!!! What kind of bugs do they grow in the south?!?! The roaches in Philly would scatter as soon as the lights would come on just like my family pursuing the turkey at Thanksgiving dinner! But these Atlanta critters, not only do they not run when you stand less than 24inches from them, but they freaking fly! What da heck is that about? Were they created in some secret government laboratory? Was there a panel of nerdy guys wearing white lab coats watching from a lab somewhere laughing at me through the eyes of this freak of nature?
I Began to Shake.
My bones slowly began to quake. I
started to smell Ms. Beamen downstairs baking a cake. Cake would be
nice right now! Yeah . . . lets go get some cake. Nooooo! The
battle! The Buggy Battle! What will I tell my sons in the years to
come? That I ran because this filthy, winged creature just spread a
pair of wings? Ahhhhh . . . Yes! That’s exactly what I will tell
them! Again . . . Noooo!
I got my emotions under control and began to think intelligently. Am I prepared? Am I ready to take this battle to the air? My jetpack is still in the shop!!! It won't be ready till next Tuesday! I wonder if the part came in. Maybe I should call them and see. Hmmmm . . . what will I do?!?! No!!! I cast down these thoughts of fear and break them into pieces like the 10 Commandments Moses broke at Mt. Sinai! I then proclaimed to myself, This . . . Ends . . . Here!!!
With the force of Abraham, Isaac, and Pablo, the Mexican guy from the McDonalds drive thru who super-sized my number three for no additional charge (You Rock Pablo!!!), I struck at my enemy! Whoosh! Bam! To my surprise, I missed my target!!! How could this happen? I watched all my Bruce Lee movies growing up! Have I lost my touch? My strike was so sure and true back then! I couldn’t believe it! My enemy sprang into the air! He jumped into the air landing on the shower curtain! His eight legs seemed to give him speed aided by some evil force that I didn't expect!!!
My enemy landed there and remained still waiting for me to move again! What in the world? Was his Kung Fu better than my Kung Fu? Had he studied at the renowned Shaolin Temple with the monks who denied my application because I asked if they provided financial aid?!?! Haters!!! Despite all of this, I was not moved! I was not shaken! I would not be denied!!
I Swung Again!!
….And Again! My primary strike of
organized precision was replaced with wild frantic swings mixed with
whimpering girly sounds! After a few swings my enemy was struck and
also flung unto the wall! Score!!! Take that you shinny headed monks!
I got skills too! Look at me Momma! I’m on top of the world! In the
wake of my untrained ninja attack laid a broken soap dish, a ripped
shower curtain and a towel rod that was now broken and unusable.
However, shaken from the blow of my weapon of might combined with the
force of the porcelain wall, my enemy laid on the floor stunned.
He had doubted me! Doubted my skills! His first and most costly mistake ever! I stood over my fallen foe gloating, despite the $75 plus in damages that surrounded me. Then he did it! My enemy began to move! If he had been smart and laid there motionless I would have probably called my friends in to see my victory but nooooo . . . he had to move! So I struck again, and again! Each time greater than the last until finally my enemy lay there...on his back...dreading the day he ever mixed company with “The E” and his "Toilet Brush of Doom"!
I Was Going to…
…mourn him and when I suddenly felt as
though my Nike sneaker wanted in on a bit of the action. So my
disgusting partner assisted me in creating a flat paste of Buggy
Juice and Defeat! LOSER!!!!! Ha!!! I, The E, have triumphed once
again! Take that Shaolin! However, if you need a token student for
your Non-Profit division please re-consider my application . . . I
didn’t mean that . . . call me . . . please! If not . . . forget
y’all then!!!
So ends the saga. So ends the tail of the defeat of the multi-legged enemy. The Buggy Battle to end all battles! He was a great foe! Disgusting yes, but great none the less! His days have come to an end at the hands of "The E" and his toilet brush of victory. May this be a warning to all multi-legged foes . . . beware of "The E" when he's taking care of business! And to you, I say regard The Brush! Respect The Brush! Appreciate The Brush. It may someday assist you as it has assisted The E . . . and lead you . . . as it did me . . . to victory!
The E continues the journey. The E now seeks further adventures and foes that dare test his mighty skills. So it is written . . . so it shall be. Pass it on so that the legend never ends! Thank you and may all your battles be just as victorious, but not so disgusting!
The End?
Insert dramatic music as the crowd sits on their
seats waiting for more! Thanks for reading! Hope it made ya smile!
Have a great day!
Eric M. Watterson
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